Nope, not really... It was not his fault. It was neither me nor my hubby not anyone!
I expected it that being 40 should be something big as we've reached another milestone in life..
I expected it to be as horror as I thought two decades ago.
I expected it to be terrifying as everyone would have described it everywhere... or at least,
I expected it to be one of the grandest celebration to mark me being 40!
Well...so what with the big 4? I should have celebrated it with Mama! That is what birthdays are all about! I have so many things to talk about Mama. She is everything a person could be, and I doubt I could be like her. I pray, and I pray hard, May Allah forgives all her sins, may Allah blesses her life, may Allah fills with abundance love and happiness, may Allah gives her great health and strength, may Allah bestows redha and rahmat upon her lots and lots and lots of it. Ameen.
Yup.. that is the big 4!
Actually, being 40 is a BIG thing. Allah ada berfirman, Nabi ada berpesan. 40 is the turning point! We pick which road we want to choose. Kalau dunia kita nak, dunia lah yang Allah bagi. Kalau akhirat yang kita usaha, Insyaallah..itulah yang sebaik-baik pilihan.
Mintaklah bahagia yang berkekalan, tanpa perlu meninggalkan kemudahan dunia. It's not about balancing dunia dan akhirat.. It's having more weight on akhirat, but not to let go of the worldly life.
It's sound straightforward, but it's not easy.
40 is the age when we do self reflect.
40 is the age when we audit our self.
40 is the age when we improve for betterment.
40 is the age when we take priority on what matters.
I remember reading one of the hadith on the day of my birthday - to me this is the best birthday gift I had for the day.
Hadith 24: Oppression
Abu Dharr Al-Ghifari reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, relates from his Lord that Allah said:
....يَا عِبَادِي إِنِّي حَرَّمْتُ الظُّلْمَ عَلَى نَفْسِي وَجَعَلْتُهُ بَيْنَكُمْ مُحَرَّمًا فَلَا تَظَالَمُواO my servants, I have forbidden oppression for myself and have made it forbidden among you, so do not oppress one another.يَا عِبَادِي كُلُّكُمْ ضَالٌّ إِلَّا مَنْ هَدَيْتُهُ فَاسْتَهْدُونِي أَهْدِكُمْO my servants, all of you are astray except for those I have guided, so seek guidance from me and I will guide you.يَا عِبَادِي كُلُّكُمْ جَائِعٌ إِلَّا مَنْ أَطْعَمْتُهُ فَاسْتَطْعِمُونِي أُطْعِمْكُمْO my servants, all of you are hungry except for those I have fed, so seek food from me and I will feed you.يَا عِبَادِي كُلُّكُمْ عَارٍ إِلَّا مَنْ كَسَوْتُهُ فَاسْتَكْسُونِي أَكْسُكُمْO my servants, all of you are naked except for those I have clothed, so seek clothing from me and I will clothe you.يَا عِبَادِي إِنَّكُمْ تُخْطِئُونَ بِاللَّيْلِ وَالنَّهَارِ وَأَنَا أَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا فَاسْتَغْفِرُونِي أَغْفِرْ لَكُمْO my servants, you sin by night and day and I forgive all sins, so seek forgiveness from me and I will forgive you.يَا عِبَادِي إِنَّكُمْ لَنْ تَبْلُغُوا ضَرِّي فَتَضُرُّونِي وَلَنْ تَبْلُغُوا نَفْعِي فَتَنْفَعُونِيO my servants, you will not be able to cause harm to me and you will not be able to cause benefit to me.يَا عِبَادِي لَوْ أَنَّ أَوَّلَكُمْ وَآخِرَكُمْ وَإِنْسَكُمْ وَجِنَّكُمْ كَانُوا عَلَى أَتْقَى قَلْبِ رَجُلٍ وَاحِدٍ مِنْكُمْ مَا زَادَ ذَلِكَ فِي مُلْكِي شَيْئًاO my servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you, to become as pious as the most pious heart of anyone of you, that would not increase My kingdom in anything.يَا عِبَادِي لَوْ أَنَّ أَوَّلَكُمْ وَآخِرَكُمْ وَإِنْسَكُمْ وَجِنَّكُمْ كَانُوا عَلَى أَفْجَرِ قَلْبِ رَجُلٍ وَاحِدٍ مَا نَقَصَ ذَلِكَ مِنْ مُلْكِي شَيْئًاO my servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you, to be as wicked as the most wicked heart of anyone of you, that would not decrease My kingdom in anything.يَا عِبَادِي لَوْ أَنَّ أَوَّلَكُمْ وَآخِرَكُمْ وَإِنْسَكُمْ وَجِنَّكُمْ قَامُوا فِي صَعِيدٍ وَاحِدٍ فَسَأَلُونِي فَأَعْطَيْتُ كُلَّ إِنْسَانٍ مَسْأَلَتَهُ مَا نَقَصَ ذَلِكَ مِمَّا عِنْدِي إِلَّا كَمَا يَنْقُصُ الْمِخْيَطُ إِذَا أُدْخِلَ الْبَحْرَO my servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you, to rise up in one place and make a request of me, and were I to give everyone what he requested, that would not decrease what I have any more than a needle would decrease the sea if put into it.يَا عِبَادِي إِنَّمَا هِيَ أَعْمَالُكُمْ أُحْصِيهَا لَكُمْ ثُمَّ أُوَفِّيكُمْ إِيَّاهَا فَمَنْ وَجَدَ خَيْرًا فَلْيَحْمَدْ اللَّهَ وَمَنْ وَجَدَ غَيْرَ ذَلِكَ فَلَا يَلُومَنَّ إِلَّا نَفْسَهُO my servants, it is only your deeds that I record for you and then recompense for you, so let him who finds good praise Allah and let him who finds other than that blame no one but himself.Source: Sahih Muslim 2577, Grade: Sahih
This hadith give us a reminder - we live for Allah, The Creator. Not for ourselves.
But on the other hand, Allah don't need us at all.... In fact, He is The One who is giving everything that we want in order for us to live. And all that we need to do is 'ASK'.
Teringat ayat penyedap bahasa masa zaman muda remaja dulu.... "Bila ko nak solat 5 waktu ni Ain? Bila ko nak tutup aurat? Bila ko nak ganti semua puasa2 ko?".... and there's a voice, a very convincing voice talking back to myself "nantilah, bila dapat hidayah".... and one thing that I've mislooked was I never asked for hidayah Allah.. I never made a request.
And today, beyond 40, I'm crying with all my heart out, Ya Allah, berikan hidayah Mu pada aku dan pada orang-orang yang aku sayang. Redhakan kami Ya Allah. Terima segala amal ibadah kami, semoga amal ibadah itu memberikan kami rahmat dari redhaMu Ya Allah. Ya Allah, pada mereka yang yakin akan berubah untuk yang terbaik bila datangnya hidayah, bukakanlah hati mereka untuk memohon hidayahMu singgah menjenguk ke dalam mereka. Sesungguhnya, kamilah makhluk yang menzalimi diri kami bila kami leka dan lalai. Nauzubillahuminzalik.