Bukan ngan Aidan je rasa bersalah.
Ngan Aimar pun ada gak rasa guilty... Lately, asik nak marah je ngan dia. And reflecting back, I tend to marah Aimar a lot lot lot more than I got mad with Aidan or Aivey. I felt so guilty. Bukan menganak tirikan or whatever. I love him to death! Kalau Aidan is so full of wisdom for his age, Aimar ni Allah bagi akal, bersesuaian dengan nama dia 'Aqiel'..He made learning easy.. Dok merewang dalam kelas, cikgu sebut je 'aimar, ulang balik apa saya ajar' tetiba je dia boleh ulang semua... mcm magik, ntah bila dia dengar ntah. Tapi, dugaan betul bila dah diberi hikmah camtu, takmo guna betul-betul, memang jadi bahan kena marah je lah ngan mama. Tanya dia basic general knowledge like what is the different between kampung pekan daerah etc pun menggagau dia nak jawab. Masa tu, mulalah nak compare dengan AbgDan. AbgDan camni, AbgDan camtu. Mama hangin bila tengok dia takde effort nak amik tahu benda-benda general knowledge, unlike AbgDan. Bila dah habis kena marah, confirm-confirm mama felt remorse and guilty! Haipp! Masa tu, baru nak admit anak ni, mak sama pak sama pun, masih lain-lain atur caranya.
Ngan Aivey pun sama rasa guilty. She's a smart girl. Yesterday, she stayed back for reading instead of going for the tennis club activity. Why is that? Sebab mama rasa she needed more reading than playing. So, mama mintak 'special request' kat school to allow her to stop tennis and join the reading class. And why do I feel guitly? I went for volunteering at the reading class yesterday. Yes, I acknowledge that Aivey need more attention and time in doing her reading. But she wasn't alone and wasn't as bad as I rated her! Teacher Lin cakap, she was okay and she will do just fine. I told Teacher Lin, "I'm too comfortable with the bless Allah gave upon Aidan and Aimar and worried for Aivey sebab she didn't perform as much as her abang2 when abang2 at her age." Teacher Lin got my point. Terus kene tarbiah ngan dia, "Sis Ain, Aidan and Aimar are good in both academic and sports. Doesn't mean that Aivey don't excel in what she can excel in. You may see bot Aidan and Aimar as a perfect student, but unlike Aivey, they do have lacking in social skills. Aivey is very good in that department. And she's smart in her own way. Her views on things are so fantastic."... itu dia cikgu yang kenal anak-anak murid dia! yang memang kerjanya mendidik. dengan mama-mama cikgu sekolahkan. Teacher Lin asked me to ask Aivey does she really want to do reading class or to play tennis. But, being an egoist mama, I was so confident that Aivey don't like tennis. Katanya very tiring. Yet, I still gave a shot. I asked Aivey. And she answered, "Coach cakap I am good at tennis. I love tennis"... 48jam mama hati tak senang teringat 'what have I done to her?'
....
Becoming a mother never came with a manual.
Lain anak, lain caranya, lain strugglenya.
Yang pasti, Allah selalu mudahkan kita to realize it's never too late to guide them, and never too late for us to realize they are not ours...they are given to us with condition - amanah yang dipertanggungjawabkan.
My dear Aidan, Aimar, Aivey,
Please forgive me if I was too harsh with each of you.
Please forgive me if I wanted you to do things that I want you to and not what you want to do.
Please forgive me if I didn't realized how I've hurt you guys.
Please forgive me if I was being such an insensitive prick and ignored your feelings and wants.
Please forgive me for just wanting what I THINK is best for the you.
and please know,
Mama doa yang terbaik untuk anak-anak Mama, jadi anak soleh solehah, dijauhi fitnah dunia akhirat, menjadi khalifah cemerlang di bumi Allah ini, mendirikan amar makruf nahi mungkar, dan dikurniakan zuriat soleh solehah macam kalian juga.
I just love you guys. fullstop.
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