Happy Birthday, Yu

24.11.2018
I thought of just texting you or an FB shoutout to wish happy birthday to you..and realized, it's not just a usual annual birthday.
it's you big 40, kan?
I have so many things to write that I ended up writing it in the blog instead.
...
Happiest 40th, Yu.
Aku ada banyak wish nak wish and doa kat kau, untuk kau, Medi, Sahila and insyaallah to future ayu's & medi's clan!
...
You are definitely a proud daughter to you late ibu & ayah, and a loving sister to Munir.
You are no doubt, the best mom to Sahila and the hottest wife to Medi.
and to me,
You are the best buddy i can rely on whenever wherever.

You are my girl!
You'll finish my words just before I utter them
You understand what I was thinking when I myself don't
You wait forever when I say in a minute
You listen to me hours when I am upset and just want to have a 'wall' to throw everything out
You don't seem like no me forever, but you do know me like forever
You support me no matter how insane my idea is
.....
ooooo, the list could go endlessly.

For that friendship, I really need to kill you if I don't want to have a trace of my past (or even my future) to know about it!

Yu,
We both know our each struggles.
Kau dengan citer kau.
Aku dengan citer aku.
Anak-anak aku besar, walau tak depan mata kau, confirm-confirm besar dlama telinga kau, masuk dalam hati!
I remember those days...
Yu,
Aku macam emo bila nak citer bab anak ni.
Aku teringat ibu.. dan aku tahu, kau sure nangis kalau aku over-over.
so, takyah over sgt lah.
It's so sweet bila kau letak nama Sahila as Sahila, a replacement of letter B to H in commeration to nama ibu kau.
She would definitely proud of you, walau macam mana pun...
Kau doakan dia dan ayah kau bebanyak ye.

Yu,
People can and will judge you!
Diorang nampak, kau pompuan tak pakai tudung, hisap vape (dulu lah kan)..
Ada kau kesah?
Aku ingat lagi, selama kita kawan, bila masa aku bunyi je nak try pakai tudung, kaulah satu-satunya kawan yang tak pernah bagi respond negative....
Kau cakap pakailah..
And I said that, not once, not twice.. bertahun-tahun dalam kita berkawan (21 years wuuhuu!) bertahun-tahun lah kau cakap 'nak pakai, pakai je lah'.
Padahal, ada orang yang pakai tudung dari form 1, bila aku bunyi cakap nak pakai tudung, selamba je cakap 'tak yah lah.tak cantik'

Yu,
we've gone so many things after 21 years.
Citer kau
Citer aku

Hari ni,
kalau nak citer satu-satu,aku melalak depan komputer ni dan anak-anak aku mesti pelik sebab tengok 'mama tak tengok youtube pun tapi nangis sakan'...
so, aku hold lah citer tu.
kite simpan dalam memori kita.
dan akan sentiasa bercerita, sesama kita, sesama anak-anak kita.

Aku look forward nak dengar citer2 Sahila nanti.
Sekarang ni pun, kalau bakar sikit je, mesti berjela kau nak citer...
hahahaha
seronokkan!

Aku suka masa kau nak kawin
Aku suka masa kau dapat baby
Hari ni, aku suka sebab kau dah masuk 40, sama ngan aku punye timezone.... haahaha

Happy birthday dear friend.
Moga diberi rahmat dan redha Allah
Moga dilimpahi rezeki hidayah, kesihatan, kekayan, kebahagian, kebijaksanaan dan anak-anak soleh solehah.
Happiest birthday, Yu!
Sayang kau!

cancer is life

It's Friday.
Alhamdullillah, bangun hari ni walaupun kepala pusing dah macam nak pecah dunia, i've managed.
Semalam, sebelum tidur, sempat merefleksi diri.
I had difficulties to go bed to lately.
I usually an easy-sleeper.
Letak je kepala, terus zzzzzzzz
But of-late, I've been having trouble sleeping.
Been on the bed for hours and yet I couldn't shut my mind.
I blamed the buzzing ears.
I blamed the working brain.
I usually got tired only when it's 1am or 2 am, which my usual bedtime was 11ish.
I would wake at in the middle of the night, like around 4ish as my throat dries up and I need some water or I'll chocked in my sleep.
I was wondering... what more?
I've been in remission for nearly 5 years now, a phase where I've completed my cancer treatment and the cancer cells are supposed to inactive.
Remission also is a phase of 'caution'as the potential of the cancer to relapse and make a comeback will always be there.
I had bleeding ears last few months.
I've been ignoring the sign.
My fear is there.
Last three weeks, I had bleeding nose.
Demn!
What more?
And now, this? The headaches are 'weird'..I had migraine before, but this is different.
And this morning, as I got dressed and drove the car, I wonder, what is it with my body?
What more do my body wants from me?

I visited a friend this morning.
Her husband is in stage 4 of liver cancer.
Her husband had been treated for stage 4 prostate cancer and stomach cancer for the past two years...
and now, this!
He is no longer in chemo.
He had enough.
60 cycles? and here I am complaining with my 8 cycle chemo! Ish, malu kat diri sendiri.
He didn't want to be on morphine.
I remember had mine after my 4th cycle and it was soothing.
I remember how excruciating the pain was from the chemo drug.
It somehow indescribable and yet it stays in my mind vividly even after 5 years.
I remember telling myself, I pray, no matter how much I hate and mad at someone, I just wish the person will never be tested with cancer. Chemo suck! Big time!
My friend is one strong lady.
She is very strong that I felt ashamed for feeling teary when I heard her telling us about her hubby.
They are leaving for Madinah this Sunday.
He is not fit at all for travelling, but that was his last wish while he is still breathing and they are going.
He brought with him an entourage, 13 of his siblings and good buddies.
He wanted to go to Madinah first, then performed his umrah.
His wife told us, they never went to Madinah first, and this is the first time he decided to go to Madinah first.

I remember reading articles, 'makan ni boleh cegah cancer', 'amalkan ni boleh pulih cancer'and so forth.
Truth is, I hate those advertisement.
Cancer is not a death penalty!
Cancer is life.
Cancer will be there, be it you are 'free'cancer or not after treated.
But cancer gives us a lot. At least, cancer gives me a lot of things.
From cancer, I learned the constant buzzing in my ears that get louder and louder everyday, is a reminder for me to never forget that I can still hear.
From cancer, I learned the middle-of-the-night 'disturbed'sleep due to dry mouth and throat is a wake-up call for me to be near Him at the very best time of the day.
From cancer, I learned the fatigues that I constantly complained is the reason I had to just sit in the house, read the Quran and learn the ilmu that I never I knew I need to know.
From cancer, I live.

Hidup ni,
ada cancer takde cancer,
ajal itu hak milik Pencipta.

Beruntunglah bagi mereka yang sedar.
Rugilah bagi mereka yang tahu, tapi masih leka lalai dan tidak sedar.

May Allah eases all our urusan, dunia akhirat.
  

Periksa nombor apa?

Aivey was asking me, "ma, what do i got for the exam?"
"Got what?"
"what number do i get?"
"number? number apa?"
"tak tahu, nenek tanya. saya cakap saya tak tahu. nenek cakap suruh tanya mama."
...
it's the year end.
alhamdullillah..
it has always been great pleasure to see the achievements of each anak-anak kawan in the FB, sharing great moments, flying colours and awards di hari anugerah, ihtifal day and so on.
exam no 1, 2,3. terhebat in everything.
alhamdullillah..
mak ayah pandai-pandai.. anak-anak kena double pandai lah dari mak ayah, kan.

but then again, i wonder, hari anugerah ini, untuk apa dan untuk siapa?
yes, an award to recognize all the hard work of the students, for the students.
but does it really worth it?
...
i have mixed opinion about it.
ihtifal sekolah khalifah ni selalu ada surprise elements.
anak-anak tak diberitahu who got what.
masa ihtifal day, anak-anak kene tengok nama yang teacher letak on placard and they will que. nama naik, maknanya dapatlah hadiah hari tu.

when aidan and aimar started with khalifah model school, i was so looking forward to ihtifal day.
i must admit, i was that kiasu mom who wanted to make sure both my sons excelled in their exams and got recognition.
the first year, they didn't fail us.
they made us proud.
sorang siap dapat award ulul albab lagi..
on the second year, alhandulillah, they still got their names being called.
on the third year, i realized, 'sekolah ni, kalau boleh satu sekolah diorang nak bagi award. kalau boleh ada award student paling banyak keluar kelas pergi toilet pun, diorang nak bagi.'
so, was it something bad?
i don't see it as bad at all.
in fact, i was waiting for the forth year, and fifth year this year.
alhamdullillah.

learning experienced with aivey was totally different as compared to abang-abang.
she did has some difficulty in reading, hence, it slows down her learning progress.
she did well in some, but not as excellent as where her abang-abang used to be at her age.
i wasn't expecting her name to be called upon pun.
in fact, i've prepared her mentally that she shouldn't feel anything bad if she didn't get anything during the ihtifal.
told her she has done her best and i knew she could and would do better in future.

during the day, we saw the agenda booklet shared via whatsapp (another great thing about the school, the agenda booklet are in softcopy, no hardcopy, saving the environment, paperless).
i was surprised to see aivey was one of the name listed.
she got the as-saff award, best year 1 student in co-curiculum (non-sport).
i couldn't tell her right away as she was already with her friends in their allocated students seat.
i was nearby when she saw her name was on the placard and she walked passed me and was excitedly telling me "ma, saya dapat hadiah lah. orang yang dapat tu tak datang kot (so, i replaced her)"
that glow in her eyes are so genuine and naive.

the day ended up great.
alhamdullillah.
aimar, for the first time, didn't get any academic award this year.. hahaha (melepas dia duit nenek nak bagi kalau boleh beat balqis - that girl is supergenius lah!)
but he got the hafazan mumtaz and diniyah competition.
alhamdullillah.

ihtifal in KMS has always been special.
nope, academically, they give away to those yang memang dapat no 1 in class dan no 1 in subject.
but they have list of great award like
best performance in dinniyah activities
memorization of juz amma
hafazan mumtaz
best performance in co-currucular, sports and non-sports
most improved
best performance in punctuality in attendance and responsibility
best akhlaq
selfless service
empowerment
nilam
most promising leader
best leadership, dinniyah and overall.
gosh, these list! you do not have to score 100% in science or maths or even arts to get to the stage.
just be kind, a great khalifah. you are competing for the best akhlak, a healthy competition.

isn't all these need to be recognized and appreciated?
...
after the ihtifal, we have the Parent-Teacher Conference (PTC), a one-to-one session to get the exam results and the students overall performance.

I remember the early years when we had our first PTC and I was looking at the report, looking for the boys ranking in the class. Nope! Na-da!
I remember asking the teachers 'anak dapat no berapa?'
and I remember the teacher responded to us politely with a smile 'kita takde ranking, kak. tapi anak akak ni, alhamdullillah, antara yang mudah nak terima ilmu. terang hati. insyaallah. he will do great. cuma kekadang dia susah nak kawal marah dia. mungkin kita kena sama-sama bantu dia nak kawal emosi.'
i remember asking the teacher in the next PTC and next.
the answer was still the same.
no ranking given and only positive and constructive feedbacks, akhlak diorang, cara adab diorang dengan kawan-kawan, cara adab diorang ngan cikgu.
so, i stop asking rankings and i started asking their teachers have they improved in their communication and relation with others.
from the PTC, i learned my son still having struggle focusing and yet he has improved significantly, trying to put all his strength to focus in things.
from the PTC, aivey don't have any issue with her reading and she just has to practice and practice.
...
the day after PTC, i received beautiful pictures from aivey's class teacher. she has told me earlier and was excited to share the moments with her students. she has prepared goodies and certificates for each students, giving specific award to each and everyone in the class.
Aivey dapat 'the most caring and sharing award'..which to me the subtle way telling mama yang anak mama ni rajin sembang ngan kekawan, niat nak sharing..hahahaha... anak ain sangat kan!
I saw pictures with the most neat student, the cleanest, the best smile and all....
it was so soothing and we were so proud of the whole year they've been putting through.

Alhamdullillah

...

School year 2018 has its own ups and downs. 

All in all, aidan, aimar, aivey, do know we are proud of you guys!

...

I guess it's about time us to start considering rewarding our anak-anak. 

Kalau diorang tak score sains ke maths ke, cuba tengok subject art ke music ke PJ ke. 

They might not be born a left-brainer, but doesn't mean they are born brainless. 

Best is, reward them from having a such a beautiful heart. 

We have to stop 'tormenting'them by tormenting ourselves.

By trying to be humble and sharing the shout-outs in FB 'anak saya ni lemah bab belajar. semua tak pandai'.Mommies, that is a form of bullying! 

To you and to your own breed. 

Stop comparing your anak to others 'kenapa abang dapat no 4? kalau dapat no 3 dapat amik hadiah.'

Just congratulate them and reward them. 

No, you don't need toysrus or fancy restaurants for the reward, I'm sure an ice cream from the 7E will be appreciated when we said we are rewarding them for their effort. 

Lepas tu, boleh lah 'racun'sikit, 'tahun depan kita work extra sikit. mama yakin lah you can do better. kita belajar sama-sama, kay!'

and yes, guide them!

doa yang elok-elok. 

Kalau makcik-makcik nenek-nenek tanya peksa dapat no baper, cakap aje cikgu tak bagitau .. takde ranking. 

Wallahualam. 

...

You just can't deny me

Of all the people

You ought to know
It was fate that brought me to him
But it was you being the genesis of how things started
It was you, wanted to visit of the places in London
and I took the courage to call him up
and it was him who brought the two of us
All over the places you wanted to explore
And today, I wanted to know
How could you have so much hates on him
How could you not see that I love him
or the least,
How could you just not accept him the way he is?
How could you just not be happy for me?
...
You do not have to love him
Yet, you do not have to be rude to me
..
You ought to know
I cried buckets of sadness when you didn't do well in your SPM
I cried buckets of happiness when you excelled with the Deans'list scroll in your hand
I cried buckets of gloominess when you were nearly gave up for not getting the scholarship to further up your studies, following my footsteps
I cried buckets of anxiousness when you had to work part-times just to finance yourself in the UK
I cried buckets of gladness when you got the job offer from the Fortune500
I cried buckets of delightness when you were getting married
I cried buckets of gloominess when you had to remove that first baby you conceived and had to cut one of your precious tube
I cried buckets of mournfulness when you had your miscarriages again and again
I cried buckets of blessedness when you were pregnant at the same time I did
I cried buckets of blissfulness when you had your daughter two days after me
I cried buckets of easiness when you were pregnant again
I cried buckets of bleakness when you lost your son after carrying him 9 months in your tummy
and I still cried whenever I think of him cause, you ought to know, I regretted for not being able to be near you and see him in his few minutes in life.

You ought to know
I just love you
..
I love you with all your life, I thought
But today, I wonder if I really do
Today, when you left in hurry
Knowing I was there
Was something unbelievable, unthinkable
Yes, you can list down all the 1001 reasons for not wanting to see me
But, when you left
You just give me God's answer to my prayers
Alhamdullillah
The ball is no longer in my court, and now it's yours to play
It has been a year, and that was unbearable
But I guess, after today, I'm definitely stronger than I thought I am
The buzzing and bleeding ears is nothing
to what you did when you left..
...
If you think you did nothing
Think again
If you can't think as much as you should
Let me put it in the simple scenario
You found a place, and you just want to be there, only to find out the place is full of shit
and so you left..
Nope, you didn't make me feel like I was the shit
But you just showed me how high above you think you are
and how low I was to you

Of all the buckets I cried for you
You ought to know
I was truthful then and I owe you nothing now
You ought to know
No matter how high the position you are in now, life is never permanent
...
Grow up little girl
Time is no longer in our side
As much as you think the world is in your hand
Look up
You have so many things to own up to Him
Look down
That ground that held your feet, is the same ground that held mine
Look inside
Ask yourself, does it worth it?
Does it worth it being rude to someone who cried behind that door for you just so you won't know she loves you with all her heart?
Does it worth it to run away and let go?
Does it worth it?
If it does, good for you..
...
You just ought to know
It's not fair to deny me of that cross I bear that you gave to me!

Keeping the distance

I always wanted to write something about relationship adik-beradik..
I wanted to write a long note, a book, if I should.
just to dedicate it to my beloved Aidan, Aimar, Aivey.
But, to-date, I am just not that strong big sister who had undergone 8 cycles of chemo and 33 cycles of burnt radiotherapy. I am just not that strong daughter who had undergone a drastic 20kg weight loss in 4 months, a girl who lost her taste for nearly a year, who girl who still couldn't hear as much even after 5 years and will chocked in the middle of the night because of the dryness in her throat..
I can bear all those, but I still couldn't write about what had been going on for the past 12 months between me and my siblings and cousins.
We were so closed that we've lost it in the middle of the road.
Sometimes, I took charge of all the blame.
But on the other times, I wonder, why must I?
...
I never put a stop in my prayers.
I believe.
Insyaallah, I have no ill-intentions, and the road we are heading is where Allah wants us to be.
...
Aidan is off for the school holidays two weeks earlier than the public school.
Untung budak MRSM, cuti awal.

He got more 'kasar' with his siblings.
We tried hard to warn him.
'Jaga bahasa'
'Jaga adab'
'Set your benchmark right, you are the examples to adik-adik.'
To some extend, we told him 'you are big enough what is good and what is bad. foul language is never to be use around the family. we can't stop you when you are with your friends, but you are not bring in bad adab in the house!'

Struggle sungguh bila anak ni dah besar dan besar dan besar..
Aduhai!
I wonder if I was that difficult when I was thirteen!
I always remember how obedience I was when I was 13.
I remember the first love letter I received dari budak MBS.
Budak tu sngat tak hensem dan sangat nakal masa dalam bas.
But I guess, sebab tu bila naik bas ada je tempat kosong for me, member dah reserved awal-awal.. but I was being oblivious lah kan.
Masa dapat surat tu, terus realized this was a good opportunity for me to tell abah to allow me to take the public bus instead of the school bus... sebabnya, bas tu ada budak lelaki dok kacau!
I passed the letter to abah to read.
And I told abah, if I join the other friends naik public bus (bas mini 44, bas mini 20 or bas mini 10 and bassrijaya 17), takde budak MBS nak kacau, sebab the route memang untuk ke St Mary je.
Ntah cammana, abah bought in my idea.
Anyway, I was genuinely being obedient.
I wonder if Aivey would share her first love letter she received with me.. I will tell her to do so :)

So, back to Aidan.. dah berbulan duduk serama...
Dia jadi the ghetto boy!
Ghetto sangatlah kan... dia tak kenal hebat mama aboh dulu.. saje mama aboh takmo bukak citer!
Bahasa dia kasar..
Too harsh to be used between adik-adik.
Till one day, my husband had it enough, giving him a strict pep talk about the house rules.
Sebab dia dah besar, aboh suruh dia pikir... 'How are you going to be not harsh with adik-adik?'
His answer surprised us.

"Keep my distance. Kurangkan komunikasi"

Allahuakbar..
AbgDan, masa aboh citer kat mama jawapan awak, mama nangis sebak sangat.
Dalam hati meronta-ronta meraung-raung, what is happening.

As Aboh told you, itu dah jatuh dosa!
Nabi takmo mengaku umat!!
Allahu nauzubika.

Of all, I had it bad with less communication.
Yup, perhaps, by not much communication, we don't hurt people as much and people don't hurt us much, too.
But, NOPE! NADA! NEVER!
Don't ever think of that!
Not in our family!
Not us!
Of all, you've witnessed it the bad way how horrible things have been with people trying to reduce and cut the communication.
People is big enough to think and judge.
Kita doakan yang baik je.
But you, adik-adik, mama, aboh.. we are family.
Itu je yang mama ada.
Jadi, itu aje yang mama mintak.
Sampai mama mati habis hayat..
Even lepas mama mati dan habis hayat..
Berasa hati macam mana pun awak bertiga sesama sendiri, berasa hati dengan ipar biras semua..
Selesaikan cara baik.
Explain apa tak kena.
Jangan buat senyap.
Bila dah explain, kalau orang tak faham, pikirlah what's best.
Bila takde explanation, jangan main buat own assumption. You know that assume is making an ASS out of yoU and ME!
Why you need to explain, supaya kalau ada salah faham, boleh dikasi faham; supaya kalau betul berasa hati, lepas ni orang tak buat lagi (kalau tak explain orang tak tahu); supaya jagan lepas 10 tahun baru nak mengungkit...
Takdenye konsep external force...
Ingat doa mama hari-hari..
Mama mintak bukan takat anak-anak.. mama nak anak-anak dan zuriat kami jadi soleh solehah, menegakkan amar makruf nahi mungkar.
As I'm writing this, I want you, Aimar and Aivey know... galas permintaan mama aboh.
Didik lah zuriat kalian jadi soleh solehah.
Kami didik kalian menjadi soleh solehah.
...
Peribahasa melayu cakap, air dicencang takkan putus.
Orang melayu lupa, ais itu, air juga.. dan bila dicencang, ia mampu terputus.
Jangan kalian jadi ais, keras membeku menyejukkanna.
Jadi air yang mengalir, soothing and calming.

Ok, mama suck in Bahasa!
But what the heck.. just remember, love each other, endlessly.

Sendu sesorang

And so, here's the thing.

Tadi dalam kete, Abg was telling me, 'tadi dengar bunyi ambulance dok hon.. mesti orang tak alert!'
It has always been our concern while on the road, worrying and getting angry with those ignorance bila ada siren ambulances and fire engines.. payah betul nak respond dengan betul.
However, that was not what I wanted to write  about  tonight.
Yang nak citer sekarang ni, 'rasa' dalam jiwa yang tak tahu apa rasa.

I didn't hear the siren. Abang was telling me he was at the restaurant's counter paying for the food when he heard the honks. I was at the table, which was supposed to be nearer to the roadside instead of Abang. I couldn't hear a thing. A siren? Honks? I didn't even hear the traffic!!!

Tadi siang, tetibe my left ears (which usually is ok) was blocked like nobody's business. Blocked tak macam biasa. And my voice became hoarser. Last few months, telinga kanan ni dok kekadang filled with blood.. ntah datang dari mana, ngak tahu. Last month, suara ada hilang sekejap masa gi Ipoh... tadi kejap je lah..

Teringat masa mula-mula doktor diagnosed me with nasal cancer, NPC (sekarang dah ada Dato' Lee Chong Wei satu geng NPC). It didn't get overnight until I was told I got cancer. It was nose bleed, suara hilang and lump getting bigger and more lumps around the neck after few months. It didn't hurt. And that what made it worst.

Lepas 5 cycle of chemo and 33 cycle of radiotheraphy, after 15kg weight loss and 5 pints strangers' blood in my body, we pulled it through. Doctor kata, dalam cancer treatment, lepas dah settle semua, dah check cancer dah tak active, the patients are in the 'remission' phase. For my case, doctor kata, kalau lepas 5 thn ok je, makna takde relapse and ok lah sikit..though doctor tak guarantee it. Depa bukan Tuhan pun. It's gonna be my fifth year being diagnosed as a cancer patient this November. My first chemo was on the first week of December 2013 and completed them in April 2014. Tak tahu doctor kira 5 tahun tu dari lepas habis treatment ke, dari lepas scan bila dah habis ke (which was not immediately after the treatment) or lepas being diagnosed right away.

...
Tak dengar siren.

Usually, i'll get all emotional and cried over this. I'll cry all out, refused to talk to Abg or the kids, refused to say anything or respond with everything.
Hari ni, am getting that feeling.
But i cound't shed tears. Alhamdullillah.
Truth is, I miss my 'old' hearing capability.
I missed listening to things that 'normal'people would hear.
Kekadang berasa hati gak bila abg or anak-anak tanye, 'mama tak dengar eh bunyi tu?' They meant well. Not to mock, but to verify. Bila cakap tak dengar, they would describe the sound and so I can imagine how it was like.
And yes, I miss hearing and listening to things others 'should'be able to listen.
Dah 5 tahun.. and I still have faith I would recover. Kalau tak pun, pegang ayat Allah, la-yu-kal-li-ful-la-hu naf-san i-la wus-'a-ha.... Allah tahu I can withstand this test.. else, He won't be testing me with such. selama tak dengar ni, selama kita redha dan doa kat Dia, insyaallah.. Dia takkan aniaya kita..Cara indah Dia berbicara, nak hapuskan dosa-dosa yang terlalu banyak yang kita dah kumpul....

Tadi, sungguh...
jauh dalam-dalam hati ni
rindu nak dengar mcm dulu-dulu.
...
Relapse.
Kalau cancer datang balik, macam mana yek?

Tadi Abg terus shut off my conversation.. the word 'kalau' tu, Nabi SAW dah ajar dah kat kita..perkataan yang Allah tak suka, perkataan syaitan.

Tapi, dalam hati bergelodak gak nak pikir, apa jadi kalau?

Dok pikir, sanggup ke nak chemo and radio balik? Nak turun berat baper kg lagi? Kalau sekarang dah 42kg, tolak 15kg, apa yang tinggal? Air liur takde? Lidah perit? Telinga tak dengar? Muntah tak sudah?.... and the list goes on...

Anak-anak nak exam besar tahun depan.Aimar nak amik UPSR, Aidan nak amik IGCSE Checkpoint. Kalau mama sakit balik, macam mana? Boleh tak nak buat treatment bila settle anak-anak semua?

And also, masih tak tercapai lagi hajat nak gi tunaikan haji, nak duduk berwukuf masam-masam tak mandi dan menangis di arafah, berhimpit-himpit lontar batu di jamrah, bertawaf bersaie... tak puas lagi nak duduk lelama kat masjid Nabi SAW nak baca quran je sepanjang-panjang kat sana...

Yes, kita orang Islam, tak boleh dan tak patut berkalau.
Semua Allah dah tentukan.
Tak semestinya kita buat donna jer berserah... bila ada keperluan, usaha itu wajib.

Husnuzon.
Sangka baik dengan Maha Pencipta.
Settlekan lah semua hutang-hutang dengan manusia dan dengan Allah sementara ada kesempatan dan kudrat.
Jangan nak mellow tak tentu pasal.
...

And yes,
To those that I've hurt, please forgive me.
Please know I have so much sins hutang dekat Allah... I couldn't bear my sins to you.
Kalau betul ada dosa yang memang tak boleh dimaafi, khabarkan lah.. kita bawak bincang.
Kena lalui 2 kali chemo pun rasa macam tak mampu... mcm mana lah nak tanggung azab Allah nanti...

Allahuakhbar.

Moga Allah terima segala amalan kita.
Moga redha Dia dapat kita kecapi.
Sama-sama kita.

Ameen..

Don't be too comfortable

it's been a while since my last post.
diam tak diam, it's november dah.
next month gonna be december.
and less that we knew, next year will be this year.

allahuakbar.
there's so many things had happened despites the 'idea' that time flies.
the good, the bad, the great, the worst.

nak cerita satu-persatu, boleh buat hati robek nak nangis, nak gelak, nak happy, nak marah and all.
...
aidan, diam tak diam, you are going to complete your first year being a hostel boy.
and i know'you are getting used to it and you'll get used to it.
don't get too comfortable with it.

i'm the living proof of being too comfortable with being a hostel girl.
as much as i didn't really enjoy my two years studying in the up north, i started to realize how much i miss the hostel life.
i love my college life, very much, i was the lucky one who got the chance to further up my studies in an established unique international college which to me teach me about everything i need to know about the world. seems like i've travelled the world by knowing everyone in the college. as much as i miss home so much, i started to realuze how wasted my time was for not seizing every opportunity i had when i was in AC. i was the timid little lamb which in returned i failed to blend well the way i should, though i did, but not much.
i love university life. i met a lot of people from various background, various way of living, various opinion on what life is all about. i live the life and i live their life, too. i met aboh on my final year and alhamdullillah, it's gonna be our 19th year knowing each other next year. nope, i don't miss uni life. i had it bad! i such a horrible girl back in uni to some extent i don't believe i deserve to be back in UMIST.

as much as miss my life back then, i'm thankful, alhamdulillah, of where i am now.

and as i'm ranting and posting this, i realized how comfortable i have been, being away from the home.

i was away from home for long.
i was 16 when i boarded MRSM.
i was 18 when i was in UK.
i was 22 when i came back to KL and started to earn my living.
basically, the time being the 'child' in the family that i had was only from i was 1 till 15, which i didn't remember much about my toddlerhood, and so that minus 5 years.. i had only 10 years spent growing up.
as much as my dear family did put me in the loop, as i grew up, i realized, i was the 'stray one', the odd one out.
i love reading books so much that i isolated myself on most family events gathering. i was there literally, but i will soaked myself up with books, ignoring what was happening in my surroundings.
i tend to have different opinions from others, and i was not afraid to voice it out, turned out, people was not in the same opinions with me and as they were not as confronted as me they just didn't say anything. them not saying anything always made me believe that they agreed with me, which as i just realized when i'm typing this that not that they agreed with me, they just don't bother to argue with me and just want to shut me off. and what made it worst, they hold grudges. grudges that i never knew, which i could have known if they did told me upfront when they should. and you know what had happened next.

i still am looking for the answer. i still am wondering what happened? i sometime blame myself. i sometime blame them. it's not a blame game. but i wonder when will it end.

they said, mama ni tingkat tak sama ngan diorang. cuma sayangnya, even if they believe that, why couldn't we find a common ground?
they might want me to agree to disagree. at some point, i think i should. but then, i wonder, how can i disagree (or even to agree) when i didn't know the facts on what to agree or disagree on? i still couldn't understand, aidan. i still am waiting for the answer. they refuse to tell me. they don't even want to try to tell me.

and so, we are back to square one.

padan muka mama... too comfortable being away from the family, mama picked up the 'external force' (as their claims) and brought it in. cuma mama tak faham, if the force is good to me (though not to them, they think), why can't they just respect my choice? if they think they do respect my choice, why do they hold grudges?

aidan, i was being too comfortable away from the family, sampai mama tak nampak that i was a nuisance.

so, here i am, reminding you and adik-adik, don't get too comfortable being away from the family.

aidan,
most of the blog i wrote here was not meant only for you. it's for aimar and aivey to read and learn too. but i'm comfortable to address it to you, because i believe being the eldest, you are going to set everything the right way for our family, when mama and abah are old and gone.

aidan, don't be too comfortable being away from home. never. no matter what, no matter how. please know, we only have each other, me, aboh, you, aimar and aivey. kita tak ramai and you knew it.
...
i wish i could write more and i will.
for now, i had enough tears flowing over my cheeks and i guess i should stop.
...
cerita ini masih tergantung.
kita doa banyak-banyak agar Allah sambungkan dengan kesudahan yang indah.