cancer is life

It's Friday.
Alhamdullillah, bangun hari ni walaupun kepala pusing dah macam nak pecah dunia, i've managed.
Semalam, sebelum tidur, sempat merefleksi diri.
I had difficulties to go bed to lately.
I usually an easy-sleeper.
Letak je kepala, terus zzzzzzzz
But of-late, I've been having trouble sleeping.
Been on the bed for hours and yet I couldn't shut my mind.
I blamed the buzzing ears.
I blamed the working brain.
I usually got tired only when it's 1am or 2 am, which my usual bedtime was 11ish.
I would wake at in the middle of the night, like around 4ish as my throat dries up and I need some water or I'll chocked in my sleep.
I was wondering... what more?
I've been in remission for nearly 5 years now, a phase where I've completed my cancer treatment and the cancer cells are supposed to inactive.
Remission also is a phase of 'caution'as the potential of the cancer to relapse and make a comeback will always be there.
I had bleeding ears last few months.
I've been ignoring the sign.
My fear is there.
Last three weeks, I had bleeding nose.
Demn!
What more?
And now, this? The headaches are 'weird'..I had migraine before, but this is different.
And this morning, as I got dressed and drove the car, I wonder, what is it with my body?
What more do my body wants from me?

I visited a friend this morning.
Her husband is in stage 4 of liver cancer.
Her husband had been treated for stage 4 prostate cancer and stomach cancer for the past two years...
and now, this!
He is no longer in chemo.
He had enough.
60 cycles? and here I am complaining with my 8 cycle chemo! Ish, malu kat diri sendiri.
He didn't want to be on morphine.
I remember had mine after my 4th cycle and it was soothing.
I remember how excruciating the pain was from the chemo drug.
It somehow indescribable and yet it stays in my mind vividly even after 5 years.
I remember telling myself, I pray, no matter how much I hate and mad at someone, I just wish the person will never be tested with cancer. Chemo suck! Big time!
My friend is one strong lady.
She is very strong that I felt ashamed for feeling teary when I heard her telling us about her hubby.
They are leaving for Madinah this Sunday.
He is not fit at all for travelling, but that was his last wish while he is still breathing and they are going.
He brought with him an entourage, 13 of his siblings and good buddies.
He wanted to go to Madinah first, then performed his umrah.
His wife told us, they never went to Madinah first, and this is the first time he decided to go to Madinah first.

I remember reading articles, 'makan ni boleh cegah cancer', 'amalkan ni boleh pulih cancer'and so forth.
Truth is, I hate those advertisement.
Cancer is not a death penalty!
Cancer is life.
Cancer will be there, be it you are 'free'cancer or not after treated.
But cancer gives us a lot. At least, cancer gives me a lot of things.
From cancer, I learned the constant buzzing in my ears that get louder and louder everyday, is a reminder for me to never forget that I can still hear.
From cancer, I learned the middle-of-the-night 'disturbed'sleep due to dry mouth and throat is a wake-up call for me to be near Him at the very best time of the day.
From cancer, I learned the fatigues that I constantly complained is the reason I had to just sit in the house, read the Quran and learn the ilmu that I never I knew I need to know.
From cancer, I live.

Hidup ni,
ada cancer takde cancer,
ajal itu hak milik Pencipta.

Beruntunglah bagi mereka yang sedar.
Rugilah bagi mereka yang tahu, tapi masih leka lalai dan tidak sedar.

May Allah eases all our urusan, dunia akhirat.