Don't be too comfortable

it's been a while since my last post.
diam tak diam, it's november dah.
next month gonna be december.
and less that we knew, next year will be this year.

allahuakbar.
there's so many things had happened despites the 'idea' that time flies.
the good, the bad, the great, the worst.

nak cerita satu-persatu, boleh buat hati robek nak nangis, nak gelak, nak happy, nak marah and all.
...
aidan, diam tak diam, you are going to complete your first year being a hostel boy.
and i know'you are getting used to it and you'll get used to it.
don't get too comfortable with it.

i'm the living proof of being too comfortable with being a hostel girl.
as much as i didn't really enjoy my two years studying in the up north, i started to realize how much i miss the hostel life.
i love my college life, very much, i was the lucky one who got the chance to further up my studies in an established unique international college which to me teach me about everything i need to know about the world. seems like i've travelled the world by knowing everyone in the college. as much as i miss home so much, i started to realuze how wasted my time was for not seizing every opportunity i had when i was in AC. i was the timid little lamb which in returned i failed to blend well the way i should, though i did, but not much.
i love university life. i met a lot of people from various background, various way of living, various opinion on what life is all about. i live the life and i live their life, too. i met aboh on my final year and alhamdullillah, it's gonna be our 19th year knowing each other next year. nope, i don't miss uni life. i had it bad! i such a horrible girl back in uni to some extent i don't believe i deserve to be back in UMIST.

as much as miss my life back then, i'm thankful, alhamdulillah, of where i am now.

and as i'm ranting and posting this, i realized how comfortable i have been, being away from the home.

i was away from home for long.
i was 16 when i boarded MRSM.
i was 18 when i was in UK.
i was 22 when i came back to KL and started to earn my living.
basically, the time being the 'child' in the family that i had was only from i was 1 till 15, which i didn't remember much about my toddlerhood, and so that minus 5 years.. i had only 10 years spent growing up.
as much as my dear family did put me in the loop, as i grew up, i realized, i was the 'stray one', the odd one out.
i love reading books so much that i isolated myself on most family events gathering. i was there literally, but i will soaked myself up with books, ignoring what was happening in my surroundings.
i tend to have different opinions from others, and i was not afraid to voice it out, turned out, people was not in the same opinions with me and as they were not as confronted as me they just didn't say anything. them not saying anything always made me believe that they agreed with me, which as i just realized when i'm typing this that not that they agreed with me, they just don't bother to argue with me and just want to shut me off. and what made it worst, they hold grudges. grudges that i never knew, which i could have known if they did told me upfront when they should. and you know what had happened next.

i still am looking for the answer. i still am wondering what happened? i sometime blame myself. i sometime blame them. it's not a blame game. but i wonder when will it end.

they said, mama ni tingkat tak sama ngan diorang. cuma sayangnya, even if they believe that, why couldn't we find a common ground?
they might want me to agree to disagree. at some point, i think i should. but then, i wonder, how can i disagree (or even to agree) when i didn't know the facts on what to agree or disagree on? i still couldn't understand, aidan. i still am waiting for the answer. they refuse to tell me. they don't even want to try to tell me.

and so, we are back to square one.

padan muka mama... too comfortable being away from the family, mama picked up the 'external force' (as their claims) and brought it in. cuma mama tak faham, if the force is good to me (though not to them, they think), why can't they just respect my choice? if they think they do respect my choice, why do they hold grudges?

aidan, i was being too comfortable away from the family, sampai mama tak nampak that i was a nuisance.

so, here i am, reminding you and adik-adik, don't get too comfortable being away from the family.

aidan,
most of the blog i wrote here was not meant only for you. it's for aimar and aivey to read and learn too. but i'm comfortable to address it to you, because i believe being the eldest, you are going to set everything the right way for our family, when mama and abah are old and gone.

aidan, don't be too comfortable being away from home. never. no matter what, no matter how. please know, we only have each other, me, aboh, you, aimar and aivey. kita tak ramai and you knew it.
...
i wish i could write more and i will.
for now, i had enough tears flowing over my cheeks and i guess i should stop.
...
cerita ini masih tergantung.
kita doa banyak-banyak agar Allah sambungkan dengan kesudahan yang indah.