It is personal

I did something that is soooo hard for me to swallow today.
I am no noble, but, today, I prayed in my prayers for Allah to forgive those who hate us.
I usually asked for a 'blanket' prayers "oh Allah, please forgive those we hate".
But today, I specifically mentioned their names.
They hate us so much that they cut off totally.
They invited everyone but us. Not the first time, though.
I always blame myself for what had happened.
I always ask for Allah's forgiveness to forgive us as I always believe that we are the one that cut ties.
We stand for our rights wanted to know why they hate us so much, that they had to bring out all those hatred that they kept for the past five, ten years... and maybe more.
Earlier this month, people whom I thought I love, were screaming at me, yelling..
Telling to go away.
Yup, they did
They asked me to go away.
"Pergi! Balik!"
Those words were too harsh coming from people I thought I know all my life.
And silly me, I didn't go back,
I didn't go back because I didn't want to be the one who Allah's be mad at and I don't want to hurt our beloved Prophet SAW for cutting ties.
I regretted that I did finally go back that night.
But one thing, that night was the night I knew it wasn't me.
It wasn't me who cut the ties.
Today, I mentioned their names, asking for Allah's forgiveness.
I specifically mentioned their names.
And I cried.
Truthfully, I was being true.
I mentioned their names, out of hatred, asking for Allah's forgiveness so I could be the better person.
Nope, I'm not ikhlas.
I knew it.
And I pray for Allah to give me strength.
I forced myself to be true, but it's too hard to swallow.
Allah knows.
Allah knows I wasn't true to myself when I asked Allah to forgive both of them in my prayers.
Tapi, Nabi SAW sendiri cakap, kalau baca Quran, paksa lah diri untuk menangis.
And for this situation, I am forcing myself to ask from Allah, ampunkan mereka. I knew, that's a sign I'm trying hard to forgive them, despite of me not being truthful.
Abah said he witnessed her asking for my forgiveness, not just a standard selamat hari raya ampun maaf zahir batin.
And if she really asked for my forgiveness, why didn't they extended the birthday invitations and the wedding's invitations?
Gosh, I know I will hate this posting.
But I guess, as I meant well that this is for Aidan, Aimar and Aivey to read when I am no longer in this world, I want them to be reminded.. I want them to know, mama did try!
...
Aivey just came in the room, asking me why I was crying..
and as I explained to her, she told me 'don't worry ma! you are brave! fight the battle to go out from the darkness!'
Allahuakbar.. She's a godsent. She's the asbab of Allah telling me, Allah definitely knows best.