Nota mama bila lama tak menulis

I haven't been posting anything in this blog as much as I wanted to.
I have a new kinda professional blog which I limit the content and my choice of work.
I have worked on the blog since January and was quite active updating it on weekly basis.
But that is totally not the same as this blog.

I have so many things to share.
I want to remind myself, I need to keep this blog alive till the day I depart. Insyaallah.
At least, till the day when my children mama's nag, or they just couldn't be around me as much as I wish they could be, I want to them to read this blog.
Line by line.
Words by words.

I realized that I couldn't write in a straight mind when I was very very sad and emotional.
As much as I shared a lot of posts that are definitely emotional, most of the posts are 'withheld'.. I would start a few lines and stop until I got 'sober'and continue writing.
I guess it's true.
One see me being so cheerful, talkative and all.
But I doubt that anyone, even my bestest friend, my soul, my life, won't be able to understand how I actually feel, regardless of I shared a lot of things with him.
Fact is, I trust Allah knows best for sometimes I wondered myself what was I thinking or feeling, actually.

I told everyone in many of my posts, I was so 'blessed' with a brain, beauty, loving family, parents who are so accommodating, great friends, promising careers, understanding and responsible husband, tolerable in-laws, obedient and smart children...mashallah. I should be ashamed with myself for what Allah has given me is waaaaaay tooooooo much.

Trust me. As a writer. The following paragraph would be

'Then, I got cancer.'

But I'm not going to write that.

I wanted my children to know, I got cancer and it was cancer that brought me to the life I never knew how much I yearned for. '

I had cancer in 2014. I completed the treatment, and trust me, the remission has brought me to one adventure after another since then. I couldn't eat spices for 12 months after the treatment. The fluid from my ears has been flowing out since then. Last year, there were traces of blood. And this month, I started having flu since 2014. I have fluid running down my nose since 2014 too, but it wasn't flu. But the flu is not a 'normal'flu. I started to get a little uncomfortable for I can 'smell'my flu, badly. And to be honest, I couldn't take it.

Agghh..me and my ramble.

What I wanted to write was, started from cancer, I (personally) have been tested from one occurrence after another. Macam-macam dugaan.

Duit, keluarga besar, anak, suami, kerja, kereta... name it, chances are I am still struggling with it.

I had it bad.
There were times I wish I got my cancer back and die.
There were times I just want to leave everything and that's it.

Anak-anak mama tahu what we've gone thru.
Nak tulis satu-persatu, mama sendiri rasa malu.

Tapi, mama nak anak-anak tahu.
Though life was so much 'merrier' before I had my cancer, I never ever want to go back to that life.
I was so blessed and yet I never care to fulfill my task being a hamba Allah.
Allah gave me so much, and I never care to thank Him.

I felt His love now.
The moment I wish to die, I was reminded with so many things.
The  voice in my head was telling me, 'nak mati dilaknat Allah?' nauzubillahuminzalik.
The moment I wanteed to give up, asking why people do bad things.
I was reminded how all those things do no come from the people, but from the All-Mighty.
And I remember the verse la yukallifullahu nafsan illa wusaha, for Akllah will never burden us with something we couldn't bear.
I get stronger.
Allah knows best and Allah knows I can deal with it.


Aidan, Aimar, Aivey,
Kadang-kadang, I realized how unfair I was to all of you.
We were too frank with you guys that sometimes cerita-cerita yang tak pelu kalian tahu pun kami kongsikan.
Cerita adik yang benci kakak sebab suami kakaknya.
Cerita mereka yang tak jemput kita pergi kenduri sebab mereka takut rukang bayar makan diorang marah.

Aidan,
Masa mama tulis ni,
mama tak 'larat'dah.
Mama rindu semua orang.
Mama nak duduk jumpa berkumpul macam dulu-dulu.
Kalau dulu, sebelum tidur, mama doa mintak Allah ampunkan dosa mama dan dosa diorang.
Sekarang, setiap kali mama ingat, waktu solat, waktu dhoha, waktu makan, waktu dalam kete, waktu hujan... dalam setiap detik, mama doakan diorang.
Mama rindu.

Aidan,
We talked about this and you are well aware what we did and what they did.
Kita bukan Tuhan.
Tapi nanti, bila mama dah takde, tapi masih ada sisa kerabat mereka, Aidan tolong sampaikan rasa rindu mama yang amat sangat.
Ucap terima kasih dekat mereka.
Don't ever be rude.
Hormat mereka ikut syariat Islam.
and just tell them, mama has cried so many tears because of them.
Tell them, mama mintak ampun dekat diorang.
Tell them. mama tak pernah tak doa mintak Allah ampunkan diorang.
Mama puas cari ayaat Quran.. Allah suruh kita cakap benar. Allah suruh kita ampunkan orang. Tapi Mama belum jumpa lagi pesan Allah suruh kita lupakan.
Mama tak simpan dendam.
Mama cuma harap, satu hari diorang jumpa apa benar yang Mama cuba nak sampaikan selama ini.

Aidan,
masa mama tulis ni, Mama dok kira... dah nak masuk 2 tahun mama tak makan laksa mamiton.