Wednesday, September 17, 2025

Kita tak serupa

Semalam, aku gagal!
I failed miserably..
I've been keeping it myself all the 'cerita lama' and yesterday, it came out of the closet and it was ugly. 
...
Terngiang-ngiang lagu Headwind, Kita Serupa. 
Jahat lagu tu!
Mendayu, bunyi penuh ikhlas merayu.. 
Jauh di sudut sang penyanyi yang meluahkan, ada rasa dendam.. 

Kalau dapat kupetik bintang di awan biru
Kan kusematkan ke dalam dadamu
Kalau dapat kucapai bulan mengambang penuh
Kan kuhadiahkan di hari jadimu

The first verse bunyi cam ikhlas je. 
Tinggi cita-cita berangan nak fulfill
Terpaling hebat nak hadiahkan bulan penuh yang keluar tiga hari sebulan, yang hanya ada satu kat Bumi ni nak bagi ke orang... 

Begitulah janjiku kepadamu
Walau dikau hanya menunduk bisu
Ku tahu kau diluka kerna cinta
Oleh dia yang tak setia
Nasib kita serupa, bercinta dan kecewa
Mungkin dikau yang tiada menduga
Biar aku pilihmu, mungkin dikau kan tahu
Betapa pilunya hatiku
Malah kau tuduh aku, hanya menambah luka
Yang kini masih terus berdarah

Jahat janji tu. 
Benarkah si pemberi ikhlas.. kalau dia sudah lalui, kalau dia dah rasai pilu kecewa, kenapa hendak diberi rasa itu pada yang dia cinta? 
Seharusnya si penerima ada hak nak tuduh si pemberi makes things worse. 

Kita serupa (kita serupa), kita serupa (kita serupa)
Hadirku untuk mengubat luka, oh
Kita serupa (kita serupa), kita serupa (kita serupa)
Walaupun hatiku pernah dikecewa 

Tak.. hadirnya takkan mengubat luka!
...
Susah dan kerasnya hidup ni. 
Kau terluka, tersakiti.. dan kau kena hadap semua bertahun-tahun.. 
Kau made peace. 
Kau cuba nak tenangkan diri.. bukan keadaan.. 

And once you've made peace.. 
Tetibe, dtg balik luka lama.. triggered. 

Orang dah tak ingat
Diorang pi peringatkan. 
Siap pesan, ingatlah nak buat baik... 

Dah kenapa?

waktu kitorg dicerca, dicaci, dihina.. sapa datang buat baik kat kitorg?
waktu kitorg dituduh jahat, kurang ajar.. sapa datang buat baik kat kitorg?
waktu kitorg diuji, berkira-kira duit belanja, nak makan apa.. sapa datang buat baik kat kitorg?

Lama simpan
Indeed.. it wasn't easy.. 
to walk the path was hard and tiresome and sad.. 
yup, angry and mad were also there. 
And I decided to make peace. 
The whole thing is damaging myself. 
I could hardly sit and stand, I could bare walk. 
I would stay in the room, cry my tears all out.. 
And I had to walk the path all by myself, with my spouse and kids supporting me, 
I had to walk for the last 6 to 7 years, and I decided to put an end. 

Semalam, 
citer tu datang balik. 

Tolong Ya Allah
Give me strength.. 

Even if I could grab the moon and the stars to give those who did what they did to me, I would give to them whole-heartedly.. 
Not for them to feel how it felt when I felt 
It will never be the same. 
The feeling will never be mutual. 
It hurts. 
Badly. 

Tak, kita tak serupa. 

Wednesday, June 18, 2025

The art in me

Last weekend, Aina got engaged. Aina is the youngest of AyahNgahZul's, my hubby's uncle from Mi's side. 

I'm not gonna talk about AyahNgahZul.. lemme reserved that nanti. 

But, I felt like writing about the pipe cleaner mini flower that I've crafted myself for Aina's goodies deco. Alhamdulillah. It was an honour bila AyahNgah texted me asking for help. AyahNgah ni, taste dia high class sikit.. almaklumlah, orang kerja ngan kerabat Terengganu lama sangat.. so, he is a very particular man, especially bila bab deco2 ni.. So, when he assigned me the task, of course I am honoured. Alhamdulillah. 

I am no crafty person. I failed my art when I was 13 years old, and I never failed anything in my exams.. not before that, and even after that! So, you can imagine how real the trauma is! 

Orang selalu cakap, tak mungkin ada orang akan fail paper art... indeed, i did!

Ingat lagi, Abah sampai kena gi sekolah, ckp ngan Cikgu cammana nak make sure I didn't fail lagi sebab I refused to eat and berkurung dalam bilik sebab depressed.. ngada2, kan?
hahaha

Ok, back to my craft skills.. which i don't have any, I started to learn bit by bit when I realised I have so much time at home while my kids were at school. Nope, I don't cook and or clean the house.. Don't ask me how, but I'm thankful and grateful Alhamdulillah for husband like mine who never expected anything out of me when it comes to house chores. 

So, I learned from the internet on how to do such such deco and bunga, because I wanted to. Yet, when I attempted to do bunga telur for my cousin's wedding, with them being midnight blue, using the stockings flowers skills, there were conflicts. I bought premium material, so that it would turned out beautifully. I made one sample and got over excited. 

Somehow, my joy was not being shared.. I was like syok sendiri, some of my relatives didn't find it attractive. In a way, their responds were like, it was not beautiful, and would ruin the 'reputation' if we were to give it to the VIPs.. ok, I was being unfair.. they didn't say it directly.. but that's how they implied it.. they even bought other expensive goodies to replace my VIPs bunga telur.. (which if they would show it to me, I could crafted it for cheaper price)....  Since I've bought all the items, so, I decided to proceed, and gave it to the bride... I have no interest to know how they felt and to whom the bunga telur were given to. Takpe lah.. masa tu, my husband was not working, and itu kira dah mahal habis, me using my savigns, to contribute to her happy days. An appreciation that I intended untuk my aunt for raising me all this while. 

So, I guess, I really don't have 'taste' in craft. My colour combinations was pelik, and tak cantik. 

And that's how I think of me and craft. 

Less that I know, ramai yang boleh appreciate my craft. Masa teachers' day, ramai teachers happy with the gifts I crafted and gave them... exclusive dengan penuh kasih sayang. 

And here's another one... not back for a person who has no background in whatsoever when it comes to craft.. and even failed her art exam in school. 

I guess, it's true.. art is subjective. 


 

keeping this one, for ol' time sakes. 
 


Tuesday, June 17, 2025

so random

The weather is cloudy this morning... 
I guess, that puts me in a mood of writing. 
I want to write about something, that could tell everything, but I just don't know what would be the best thing to write about, and my mind were telling me just write anything, which end up, i wrote nothing. 

hahaha

what a trick!
...
let's talk about love. 
we had Aina's engagement day over the weekend. 
Aina was only 9 years old when I first met her. 
And here she was, a beautiful 29 years old young lady, falling in love. 

and being in love would always be the best thing. 
but, of course, it does come a package.. 
a feeling of annoyance, madness, sadness, anxious, envious, doubts and many more. 
that gives the flavour to love. 
would it make it sweeter? 
or saltier?
or just sour? 
it depends.. it changes every time we chew it. 
even in one spoonfeed, the taste changes.. 

if it's love, you knew it when you knew it. 
...
so, how do we love someone for Allah's sake?
it's not merely what the words utter. 
there were times, things didn't work out. 
there were times, it gets overboard. 
there were times, everything was on top of the hill. 

i never knew the idea of 'for Allah's sake' .. not when I was young. 
i had crush in school, and it was unrequited. 
on the other hand, a cute ustadz boy in the class next door, whom my good friend had crushed on, confessed to me that he has a crush on me ~ no way! i like him, but you don't betray your friend.. 
and so, i just steered everything away.. and there were few bad boys, cute ones, who i tried to lure. 
not genuinely true to my feelings, it was just because i need someone to do chores for me, and i knew they would. they did have feelings on me, but what the heck!
yup, i smashed few hearts.. 
and i thought i found one good one for  me. 
five years in relationship, i thought things were doing great, only to find out he cheated on me. 
after all the cash that i've wasted on him! damn it!! at times of writing this, i still have that grudges and i still would want to tell him, if killing is permissible, he would be the first person i'd be looking for to kill with my own bare hands!

alhamdulillah, i found my love because of the betrayal. 
i guess, sweet lesson always comes after bad ones. 
...
and here we are, after 20 years, 
as shania twain would put it, 
"you're still the one i run to, the one that i belong to, you're still the one i kiss goodnight"
alhamdulillah.. 

dare not, the turmoils will still be there, and that shouldn't be the reason for you to get off the plane. 
just stay onboard. 
adhere to the safety rulings. 
wear your seatbelt. 
remember Allah

and that's how you put up with love. 
...
while you are young, don't bother venture love, if you have no intention to get married next week. 
yes, i used not to believe that marriage would work before we get to know each other and fell in love. 
but that's what made me gone through all the ingenuity and lies through out my path of love. 
if you were to ask me now, should we get married first , then fall in love, i'd say "yes, pls do!"
my faith wasn't affirmed previously, and rest assured, i believe Allah Al-Haq now and love will find it way, Lillahitaalla. 

Halal love always the answer!
...
and there goes my random rambling... hahaha

Monday, June 2, 2025

Tawakkul ~ beautiful surrender

 I learned something beautiful today ~ a saying from Imam Ahmad RA on qadr. He said, if we were to be presented with choices for our future path, we would still choose the choice that Allah SWT has planned for us. Subhanallah, what a beautiful insights! 

Alhamdulillah.. as usual, I have lots to catch up and I guess is best not to pick up where I left, but just move along where I could. 

Aimar had completed all his scholarships application stages, and it's result time, Alhamdulillah. Just like his older brother, he secured straight As in his SPM .. but he has more for he has 12 subjects while Aidan just had 9 subjects. So, both of them did get 6A+, 2As for Aidan and 5As for Aimar, and 1A-. Aimar secured safe place to get through more choices for scholarship application as he got A for BM, unlike Aidan who got A-. Aimar got A- for his Maharat and he didn't even want to have it recheck. Alhamdulillah. And extra advantage for Aimar as he secured A+ for his Add Math. Alhamdullillah.. 

Well, the trending is increasing, students are getting smarter. The scholarships screening was not as easy as it used to be. Not like what we had thirty years ago, not even like what AbgDan had 2 years ago. 

But, Alhamdulillah.. we got thru, and now, making lots of good prayers for the best He has in plan. 

Aimar applied for TNB Prime Scholarship and got rejected for no reason given. I suspected because there's so many A+ students in line... but come to think of it, it is part of Allah's plan.. if he got thru the application, and got thru the interview and being offered a scholarship, he might need more time to take it up because the course that he wanted to do which is chemical engineering was not in TNB list and so he picked the closest he could, mechanical engineering. So, Allah knew it was not Aimar's cup of tea.. or maybe not even his strength, unlike AbgDan's. 

He also applied for UEM, but we could feel that it was also a no news that is good to be shared. The automated email system did told us that they got his application, and should there be any news, they'll keep in touch in 2 months time. Yet, Aimar knew some of his friends had gone thru the next stage of application so, UEM kept him ghosting. 

He got invitation for stage 1 and stage 2 online test from Khazanah. The stage 1 was only maths and english which they wanted to know how good are you to answers quick graphs and long texts questions in a short time... it was very short, and it was horrific! We thought he didn't get thru the 1st stage.. but Alhamdulillah he got an email for stage 2 which was only 3 parts of personality test which is also 'tiring' due to long and repeatable and ethical questions. And he didn't get thru the next stage, Alhamdulillah. 

He got to the 1st stage of Yayasan Terengganu scholarship, applying for Australian Engineering Program. So, last monday, he went to KT for the stage 2, the interview session. I didn't get to be with him for I was having the final sem exam for my online degree. Please pray for me, ameen. 
The interview was 'chill' as Aimar would put it. There were 3 interviewers, with 8 candidates required to answer one-by-one questions about personal background, aspirations and all sorts. It was more like get-to-know-you session rather than other 'typical' scholarship interviews. 

And yesterday, Aimar went to PLC for the Petronas interview. Aidan went to the same place two years ago, and Alhamdulillah it was not destined for him back then. Look at him today, happily lying on the sandy beach in Nice with his buddies. Subhanallah

The first stage of Petronas application was the online test of which they had to do two things. One was the IQ logic game test. And the other was HireVue video interview test of which he was given 5 basic questions. I guess, I'll share them here, so that, should Aivey had the same opportunity nanti, Ameen, boleh check balik. Mama malas nak type..so, mama share je lah gambar yang ada.. 




It was tuff and different.. talking to yourself and recorded it.. it was just awkward. Oh, you were given 5 (maybe 3) minutes time to prepare for the pitch before you recorded your answers. And you have 3 chances to record and submit if you were not satisified with the first and second time recording. 

Alhamdulillah, out of 9000+ applicants, and 7000+ shortlisted for the online interview, he was among the 500+ selected for the interview sessions. A session of which he was grouped in 6 (Aidan's was 4 at that time), given a case studies and need to present his personal ideas and also group presentation. He got the topic about content creator and gig economy, the survival of it, go or no go? Aimar picked no-go, and justified his decisions for 5 minutes. As for group session, they had to propose a policy to the Ministry of Economy on how the government could assist on the future of the gig economy. He told us his friends ada yang dapat STEM and why kids don't like it, ada yang dapat pasal green entrepreneurships, ada yang dapat pasal carbon content bla bla bla.. 

Alhamdulillah.. habis dah fasa interview scholarships. Lepas raya ni, tunggu untuk MARA YTP and JPA punye interview for PBU loan... kami berharap Aimar dapat scholarship sebab dia nak sambung belajar kat UK, which would cost millions kalau nak amik loan.. Alhamdulillah... apa-apa pun, Allah knows best. and to Him we submit, bismillahitawakkaltu'alallah.


Tuesday, April 22, 2025

Not Robbed, Just Redirected

 A Story of Brothers, Awards, and Allah’s Perfect Timing

The sun was already high when the car pulled into the school compound. It was a special day—graduation and award ceremony for Form 5 students. Aimar, quiet as usual, adjusted his sleeves as we stepped out. He didn’t say much, but I could sense something was stirring in his heart.

The place was buzzing with families, teachers, students in their best baju melayu and jubah. Banners, bunting, official emcees. A moment, as they say, of honour.

Somewhere in the air was the smell of canteen fried noodles and sweet tea. Somewhere deeper was something harder to describe—hopes, pride, maybe some old, unspoken longing.

A few months earlier, I had watched someone else’s son receive the Tokoh Ulul Albab award—an unassuming boy, the kind whose quiet brilliance often goes unnoticed until it shines on stage. His father, a librarian. His mother, a full-time homemaker. When he walked up to accept the award, something cracked open in me.

I wasn’t jealous. I was inspired. In my heart, I whispered a du’a I didn’t even know I was holding, “Ya Allah, if it’s good for him, let it be Aimar’s turn next year.” That was all. No begging. No bargaining. Just a gentle hope.

But the year passed and that award didn’t come for Aimar. He received other awards—Math, Add Math, 2nd in the entire Form 5 cohort. Strong. Solid. Still, no Ulul Albab. I didn’t complain. I didn’t ask. I just watched my son carry on, shoulders calm, steps steady.

Then one day, almost in passing, he mentioned a graduation event in Kuala Terengganu.
“Graduation apa ni, Mar?"
“Majlis anugerah peringkat negeri… Yayasan nak bagi penghargaan kepada pelajar IKeM.”
I teased him. “Untunglah anak Yayasan. Bukan main…”
Then he added, “Najmi dapat Ulul Albab untuk IKeM.” 
I paused. That made sense. Najmi was consistent. Hafiz, well-mannered, respected. Of course he did. Then Aimar turned to me and grinned, “Tapi Aimar pun, inshaAllah, dapat award juga.”
“Oh ya? Award apa? Budak nakal tapi genius?” 
He laughed, “Tokoh Akademik Ibn Sina.”
And that’s when it hit me.

Not the title I prayed for—but the honour Allah wrote. Not Ulul Albab, but something tailored just for him. A title that, perhaps, mirrored the boy he truly was: precise, logical, razor-sharp—but with a heart that could go quiet for days before it suddenly cracked a joke.

We laughed it off. But I knew better. Allah had answered. In His way.

The day of the event came. We sat among rows of proud parents, the official program booklet in hand. I flipped through it absentmindedly—until I saw it.

Aimar’s face. His name. His school. Tokoh Akademik Ibn Sina.
A small, private wave of gratitude rolled through me.
But something else caught my attention. I turned the pages again.
Najmi’s name wasn’t there. Strange. He had received Ulul Albab, hadn’t he?
Turns out, there's a confusion during the nomination process. The teacher who nominated Najmi for Ulu Albab thought the nomination is on school's basis and hence Najmi will be getting the Ulul Albab award representing Imtiaz Kemaman, while Aimar will get the Ibn Sina award for Imtiaz Kemaman. Somehow, on the day itself, we found out that the Ulul Albab award was only to be given to the top 2 students among the Imtiaz school, while other awards, including Ibn Sina Award is given based on each school.  

After the award ceremony, Aimar told me “Ma… I feel like I robbed this from Najmi.”
There was no pride in his tone. No glee. Just quiet discomfort. Guilt, even. He had just been awarded Tokoh Akademik Ibn Sina—a recognition for academic excellence in his school. But Najmi, his younger brother, hadn’t received the Ulul Albab award, despite being first in school, despite every reason to deserve it.

And in that moment, my heart ached. Not because one got it and the other didn’t—but because I was reminded of Aidan's word on his graduation day. 

Aidan told me, "Ma, I felt like I've been robbed as I should get the award from the girl.. I've been supporting her a lot and she got recognised because of my help." 

Do Allah's put me and Aimar in the spot of that girl that robbed Aidan 7 years ago? Subhanallah. \

The truth? It was a miscommunication. It was the teacher that had assumed both boys would receive respective awards—Ulul Albab for Najmi, Ibn Sina for Aimar. That made sense. Najmi had the academic standing and the memorization excellence. It felt like the stars had aligned.

But on the day of the event, the criteria became clearer: Ulul Albab was awarded only to the top three in the entire state’s Imtiaz system. A narrow selection. Najmi’s name wasn’t among them.

Aimar's was—for Ibn Sina, at the school level. The stage lights were on him. The camera flashes, the applause, the pride. But in his heart? He was thinking he was robbing it from Najmi, and just exactly what his brother felt way before... not his shoe's but in Najmi's. 

And it hit me how deeply awards can echo in our hearts. Not because of the applause—but because of what it says (or doesn’t say) about them. About their worth. About being seen.

And as Aimar sat with that heavy feeling of having “taken” something meant for Najmi, my memory rewound… years back.

To Aidan. The eldest. The one who always tried. Always showed up. Always made us proud. But when it came to official recognition—others were named. I still remember his words. We were talking after one of those school events, and he looked me in the eyes and said, “Ma… it felt like I was robbed.”

That word again. Robbed. So loaded. So painful. So revealing. Even the most well-behaved, high-achieving, quietly consistent child can carry that ache: Wasn’t I enough?

And today, in the other shoe, I realised, even the one receiving the award can carry the burden: Was this really meant for me?

And as a mother, I found myself asking: how many of our children walk around with wounds we didn’t see forming? How many carry silent griefs over unspoken comparisons, over moments that didn’t go the way they had dreamed?

But here’s the truth I want them to live by, not just hear:
Allah does not misplace rezeki.

The award Aimar received wasn’t “stolen” from Najmi. Najmi’s recognition was never withheld—it’s just delayed, or perhaps replaced with something even greater, waiting at a bend we haven’t reached. And what Aidan felt? That, too, was seen by the Most Just, Al-‘Adl. His effort didn’t vanish. His worth was never in the hands of an award committee.

As a mother, I keep reminding myself and my children: What is meant for you will never miss you. What misses you was never meant to reach you. And what Allah writes, no human can erase.

To Aimar: You did not steal anything. You received what was written for you. And your guilt? That just shows how beautiful your heart is.

To Aidan: Your early ache became your strength. And we’ve seen how beautifully you carry that quiet nobility.

Boys, Never measure your worth by medals or stage time. Measure it by how you treat others, how you carry disappointment with grace, how you shine even when no one is clapping.

This dunya isn’t the final award ceremony. And in Allah’s books, no good deed—no sincere effort, no heartbreak, no quiet patience—is ever lost.

Hadha min fadhli Rabbi.
This is from the bounty of my Lord.




Tuesday, April 15, 2025

Two Photos, and a Lifetime in Between

 Lama tak citer pasal cinta ~ always love the feelings!

Aidan is travelling this Easter - pergi Paris.. and so, I decided to share with him those photos that we took 25 years ago, so that he might want to recreate our memories. The good 'ol days.. 

But this photo strucked me. The contrast of us both! 
...

Two Photos, and a Lifetime in Between

Reflections on love, change, and the quiet things that stay the same.

It started with just two photographs.


Taken in Paris, in front of Notre-Dame—twenty-five years ago.

One was taken by him: composed, symmetrical, thoughtfully aligned. I stood there in my floral dress, smiling; still unsure how deeply that captured moment would nestle into our story.

The other? Taken by me.
A little chaotic. A little tilted. Strangers in the background. He stood with his arms wide open, half-laughing, mid-pose.

Back then, he said nothing about it.
Not a word about the angle, or the crowd, or the cluttered frame.

But yesterday, twenty-five years later, as we were flipping through the old album, he looked at that photo a bit longer and smirked. 

“I took a better photo of yours. Look at how you took mine!”

I laughed. Sahih! It was definitely better. Neater. Cleaner. The kind of photo you'd frame.

The photo I took? It was haywired. But real.
It was him, as I saw him, vibrant, alive, full of movement. It wasn’t polished, but it held something more precious: presence.


We’ve changed over the years. That’s natural.

But there were seasons; quiet, sometimes heavy ones; where I wondered if he had changed.

The man who once wrote notes and made surprise gestures felt quieter now. Less expressive. Less… romantic.

I remember once telling our son, jokingly, that his father gave me flowers only three times in 25 years.

Once, during our courtship.
He woke up early, made his way to my place, and secretly placed a bouquet of white roses in my wardrobe. I opened the door and gasped. My heart still remembers that feeling.

The second time was during my pregnancy with our firstborn.
I had been hormonal and tired and somewhere along the road I blurted, “You never give me flowers anymore.”

That evening, he came home with three things:
A music CD, a box of Frosties, and one red rose.
He explained,

“The CD will last and keep you company during your road trips to Kemaman. The Frosties? Good for you and the baby. And this…” — he held up the rose — “will wilt in a few days. You still want to argue for flowers?”

Touché. I smiled, even though part of me still wanted more roses.

The third time was bold.

I had just landed a new job in KLCC. It was my birthday.
And there, at the office, came a delivery of two dozen red roses. A big, showy bouquet. Everyone noticed.
I knew exactly what it was: his quiet, cheeky way of “marking his territory.”

And that was the last time I received flowers from him.


Do I miss those moments? The courting and dating moments? Sometimes.
I do miss the earlier version of us. The notes. The playful surprises. The honeymoon softness.

But love changes. It matures. It finds new ways to express itself.

Now, he shows his love differently.
In checking the car before I drive.
In locking up the house when I’m tired.
In how he being extra concern about the kids' education.
In how he still makes sure I’m never left alone to shoulder things.

And just yesterday, before heading offshore for two weeks, he asked me quietly:

“Is there anything lacking in me, or in us? What do you think we can improve—our family, or ourselves?”

I paused. Twenty-five years together, and you'd think I’d have a list. But I didn’t.

There was nothing serious to bring up.
No big gaps. No lingering hurts.
Just a steady kind of love that never left.


I look at those two photos again now.
One perfect. One haywired.

But both >> us.

That’s what marriage often is. One partner frames the picture, the other catches the feeling.
One sees the symmetry. The other, the soul.

We don’t always show love the same way.
We don’t always speak the same love language.
But somehow, we still speak to each other. And that’s enough.

Love doesn't always come in bouquets.
Sometimes, it comes in a full tank of petrol. Or a quiet, sincere question before a long goodbye.

And while the petals of early romance may have faded, the roots have only grown deeper.

Maybe he doesn’t give me flowers anymore.
But he’s still the man with arms wide open.

And maybe, just maybe, 
That’s the kind of love that truly lasts.
Lillahitaalla

Allahumma ameen

Friday, April 11, 2025

When Love Doesn’t Stay

— a story of quiet heartbreak and even quieter love —

He never said it out loud. Not once.

But she knew. A mother always does.

There were no teary confessions, no broken sentences. No dramatic sighs over the phone. Just silence, tucked in between words, folded into the pauses, laced into the way he sometimes said, “It’s been a long day.”

He never told her that he still thought about the girl. That he still checked her online status, still replayed the past. That he sometimes wondered if she ever missed him back.
She didn’t need to be told. Her heart already knew how he felt.

He is far away now, in a different country, carrying the weight of growth and grief all at once. And though the world saw a young man building a new life, she still saw the boy who once ran to her after a fall, needing nothing more than comfort.

And now… he fell, but never ran home.

“Love doesn’t always break with noise. Sometimes, it breaks with silence. And silence is heavier.”

She had watched him try to move on. Smile in pictures. Focus on studies. Push through. And yet, beneath it all, was that quiet grief, the kind that doesn’t ask for help, because even grief gets tired of explaining itself.

He was only twenty. And yet, life had already taught him one of its hardest lessons:

You can give someone your sincerest heart… and still lose them.
You can mean every word, every effort, every prayer… and still not be enough for the person you wanted.

“Sometimes, the one you thought was the one… (is actually the one) who shows you that your heart belongs to Allah first.”

She had loved before, too. And lost. So she understood.

Love is beautiful, but also wild. It teaches you joy, and then teaches you surrender. It gives, and then takes. It lifts, and then leaves you in sujood, broken in front of the One who never left.

“The bitter truth? Love is not always returned. Not every ‘forever’ makes it past the gate of dunya. And not every heartbreak is meant to be healed with another person.”

She wished he knew that true love is not about clinging to the one who walked away, but about becoming the one who walks toward Allah, even through the pain.

That the best love is the one that makes you better in the eyes of your Lord, not just in the mirror of your own longing.

That the right person will never leave you confused. And the right path won’t make you lose your dignity just to feel chosen.

“True love isn’t just emotion. It’s direction. It takes you closer to mercy, not madness.”

She didn’t press him. She didn’t demand the truth. A mother knows when the heart is not ready to speak. So she just became the place where he could still be quiet, and still be loved.

And when he ended the call that night, she wept. Not because he was broken, but because she knew healing would come. Not from her, but from Him.

And in the dark of that quiet room, she whispered:

"Ya Allah, he still believes in a heart that already let go of him. So help him believe in You, the One who never will."

“It may be that you love a thing and it is bad for you. And it may be that you hate a thing and it is good for you. And Allah knows while you do not know.” [Al-Baqarah 2:216]

And maybe one day, when he’s ready, he’ll come clean, not to just his mother but to himself. And so he would understand the algorithm of love. 

He would understand that love was real. But it wasn’t the one that he used to have and hold into.  And that’s okay. 

True love will come, Inshaallah.  The best is always yet to come, for the one who lets go, and lets Allah.