Peri-menopause

I'm wondering if men would have the same pre-menopause symptoms like we women have. 
It's unbelievably out-of-this-world symptoms I would say. 
I am struggling ~ and not sure when it will end. 
Rozi told me, it might took a year two... o mai!

...

The menses are unpredictable. Kadang datang cepat, kadang senyap tetibe. Kadang banyak, kadang malu-malu. Gosh.. I'm not complaining. 

And the headache and backache would accompany them. 

Lepas tu, the new symptons I'm getting now is tak boleh tido.. melampau-lampau takleh tido, and also kepanasan bagai nak rak.. 

Hot flash or hot flush, whatever they would call it, is real!

Subhanallah... I would blame the hot weather for me feeling hot.. yet, during the cold days, the feeling of sangat panas, burning, is there to stay.. so, proven, it's not the weather! it's me!!!

huhuhuhuh

...

I had my menses quite late as compared as my other friends. I was 15, if I wasn't mistaken. 

So, I'm not surprised if Aivey still not getting it at the age of 13 while many of her friends had had their menses. 

Due to that, I'm not expecting the symptom of perimenopause at the early age of 47yo! Yo!!!.. not until I'm 50. At least, that's what I thought it 'should' be.. 

wallahu'alam ~ Allah knows best. 

Subhanallah.. the sign that we don't belong to ourselves.. even the blood circulating in our body is not within our control. 

Subhanallah... 

Indeed, to Him we belong. 

So, what makes us disobey Him?

No more "because I say so"

A friend did asked me if I would allow Aivey to wear nail polish, if she felt like it. Aivey was only 6 at that time.. I couldn't give an answer to her immediately, which then I said, "maybe not."
And she asked me more, "why don't you? you could wear it, why couldn't she?"

.

.

.

agghh... it's not fair!

...

Parenting is never easy. As time passes by, we as parents who had gone so much, did so many mistakes, and witnessed the wisdom of being wiser from the foolishness of our past, we just want to prepare the best life hack, life short-cuts to our children... 

So, yes, I did wear nail polish when I was young.. why must I allow Aivey to wear it, and she'll get comfortable with it, and would think she need it rather just for the fun of it... then, she would learn to make her prayers, and would spend time cleaning out the nail polish and in times, as she gets too comfortable with the nail polish, she might even opt not to pray for that would be a easier (rather than better) option... O no!! Of course I would not want Aivey to go up to that hell... it's devastating!!

...

What I'm telling is that, I have done so many mistakes in my past. If I could, I wouldn't want to make such mistakes. But we all know it's impossible. 

Now that I have children of my own, I just don't want them to walk that mistakes path of mine... I couldn't bear it! Na'udzubillah.... 

When Aidan, Aimar, Aivey were just babies, toddlers, tweens and pre-teens, it's easier for me to be authoritative over them. 'Because U said so.' 'Because I'm your mom..' and all those no-negotiations mumsy orders... 

And time passes.. the boys and Aivey are growing up, venturing their own lives and wanting to have their own options of experiences... 
I wish I could say No ~ but the choice is all up to them. 
They could even hide it from me, if they knew I would not approved it. And I don't want them to hide it. I want them to be frank, open up and tell no lies but truth. So, I won't deny their choice, be it a bad choice in my view and opinions (and experience)... but as long as the choice they picked don't deviate from what Islam is teaching and rulings... I would need to learn to respect it. 

I guess, when our kids are growing bigger, and older, our reliance in Allah Al-Hafidz, As-Somad is soo much much much more greater and stronger than we could have imagine. 

Fallahu khayran hafidzan, wa hua arham ar-rahimiin. 

Ya Allah, keep them close to You, Ya Allah. and let them be put You closest in them. Ameen. 

For now, I'd say the same ~ observe your salah, don't miss it at all... leave what is haram, and do what is pleasing to Allah. 

May Aidan Aimar Aivey always be in His guidance, Allahumma ameen. 

For He is The Most Merciful.

I need to change the tonation of my blog. 
I definitely need to! It's do or die. 
...

I was sick for the past three days. It was 'weird' sick, I would say. I thought it was my vertigo.. then, my buzzing ears were not coorperating, and the buzzing got louder and louder to some extent I felt pain and it was hurting my ears, my left ears in particular. 

My husband and Aivey tried to talked me down. But I was losing my patience. Not that I could hear myself back. That was normal. But what made it worse was that I could here me echoing myself, and I could here the echo of the echo back at me. It was like three layers of hearing repeating stuff that I'd uttered out of my mouth and it was so hurtful. It was literally hurt my hearing. I just don't know how to describe it. 

In the last few months, I had another symptoms (maybe because of my lack of thyroxine), that my jaw would locked by itself, especially when it was cold surrounding me, and when I was so tired.. yup, tired from doing things, and to some extent, tired from talking. 

It seems funny to some, but I remember crying for it is no matter of laughing business. It is surreal. 

And so, with my vertigo on, my hear buzzed like nobody's business that it hurts my ears, my jaw locked, no surprise that my blood pressure increased significantly... 130/90, 140/100.. and so on and so on.. It just, I don't know what to do. I was so weak, and I was all by myself, alone. I don't want to let my parents worried over me, so, I was trying to act I was ok when Abah dropped by to send me some food, twice. Other time, I told them I had grabbed my food. Honestly, I didn't. I didn't even have the energy to eat. 

What worries me is that I couldn't concentrate in my prayers. It broke me to tears. 

I remembered one of the salah, I was trying hard to stand firm despite of the vertigo, and wanting to recite the Al-Fatihah, of which I failed. My jaw was locked, my ears were buzzing and all I can do was breath and cried. I cried. I cried. and I cried. I didn't stop my salah immediately. I was saying in my prayers, O Allah, help me for I don't know anything bigger than Your help. Allow me to worship you till my last breath, Ya Allah. I've been sinning, I've been abandoning my ibadah all this while. Just let me worship you in any ways before I leave this world. 

Subhanallah, in a split second, I heard silence in my ears, and I could recite the makhraj in al-Fatihah as it is. Subhanallah. That wasn't me. It wasn't me being pious or whatsoever. It was Allah's miracles. It was Allah's mercy. Allhamdulillahi rabb al-alamiin. 

In a split second, there gone my locked jaw, my vertigo, my buzzing ears.. at least for the good 10 minutes, when I had that fard prayer. Alhamdulillah. 

The moment I said my salam, it goes back to the sick me. Alhamdulillah. It was tiring and weakening, but, alhamdulillah.. it was such a blessing to know I am not all alone. 

Oh Allah, forgives all my sins, Ya Allah. 

Excluded

 In times, I learn that being inclusive does not matter ~ what matter is who would want to include you and who won't. Alhamdulillah. 

I have so many weaknesses and I doubt that I have any good deeds left if I don't repent. What scares me is if I have no good deeds to present during The Day and there were loads of sins on my back, waiyyazubillah. 

And that thoughts give me help to just let go. 

...

There post of people bidding farewell the their 'significant' figures, and I know I shouldn't have watched it. Alhamdulillah, I did and of course I was teary, feeling being excluded, as usual.. It has been years.. gonna be 7 years and counting. 

I don't care about them. Honestly, I don't. 

I was more worried of I really thought I'm in the right, but apparently I will be presented of how wrong I was. Na'udzubillah. 

WIth that thoughts in mind, I seek Your Forgiveness Ya Allah. And I seek forgiveness for those who have the rights on me, so that they may forgive me as much as I forgive those whom I have rights upon. 

Ya Allah, all that I want is to be free sin. 

Astagfirullah Ya Allah. 

...

So, it's ok if they want to include me. If it was my faults, I hope Allah forgives all their sins and may they don't claim any redemptions from me Ya Allah. And should it be their faults, I forgive them, Ya Allah.. I forgive them so that people who I have sinned would forgive me too. 

Ya Allah, one prayer that I wish would be fulfilled, guide them Ya Allah. 

Susahnya nak bersangka baik

"Ma, kenapa diorang masih ingat kita miskin Ma?"
"Dosa ke jadi miskin, Ma?"
"Masa hulur duit tadi, cepat-cepat diorang pesan, 'simpan jangan kasi Mama nampak. nanti Mama nampak, dia tak kasik amik."
...

Korang, berhentilah sangka buruk kat kami, especially kat diri saya dan suami saya. 

Kami anak-beranak okay-okay, Alhamdulillah. 

Kami tak mahu duit korang, bukan sebab kami tolak rezeki. 

Subhanallah, rezeki kami tak pernah putus. 

Cukup! 

Kalaulah korang tau, rezeki cukup itulah yang terpaling kaya. Alhamdulillah. 

Takpe lah kami takde dua tiga rumah

Takpe lah kami takde dua tiga kereta

Takpe lah kami pakai kereta Jepun, bukan kereta Continental

Takpelah.. 

Kami cukup dah. 

Kami takmo lebih. 

Ada lebih, kami nak bagi orang susah. 

Kalau korang ada duit lebih, jangan cari kami. 

Kami tak susah. 

Tolong bagi pada yang hak. 

Ada anak orang susah nak sambung belajar, berkira-kira wang muka nak masuk belajar. 

Ada anak yatim, ibu tunggal dok berkira-kira catu barang dapur. 

Ada sedara korang, darah daging korang, kais pagi makan pagi demi mencukupkan rezeki. 

Bantulah orang yang memerlukan tu. 

Hampir 7 tahun kami tak kebulur dek tak de rezeki korang kongsi dengan kami. 

Alhamdulillah. 

Kami takkan ungkit. 

Kami sungguh tak berharap. 

Tapi, tolong saya. 

Tolonglah jangan buat anak-anak saya rasa macam mana korang buat mama diorang rasa. 

Tolong. 

Saya mohon. 

Tolong

Mana kamu?

How did Yusuf A.S. do it? How could he utter 'laa tasrib' to those who dumped him in that well, left him alone in the dessert and they even sold him at low price to the Bedouin as if he has no values at all? How did he do it?

I wish I have the strength. I pray Allah gives me strength. I used to be strong and I am still strong ~ yet, when being confronted with this feelings, I just lose it all. 

How could I act as if everything ok when everything is not ok? How can I fake it? How can I forgive and forget what had happened to me and my family. When I said family, I meant MY family, me myself, my dear husband, my beloved children Aidan, Aimar and Aivey. 

We were struggling when my husband lost his job. We literally has no income, and all we know we have is Allah SWT. Alhamdulillah. 

Of course, I am all grateful for my brother-in-law, Wan and his wife, CT... we owed it to them. And my sis-in-law, Kak Ani. They were our source of income back then. Satu sen pun tak berkira. They give and give and give. 4 years without a job. It's not easy! We had to make big decisions for the kids. Aidan was struggling adapting hostel life, and so did Aimar. Aivey sacrificed and had to opt for homeschooling, like it or not. Alhamdulillah.... They were so many beautiful people supporting us. Au, Rozi, K Has, Shaz, Khairani... and even Eman... those are among the few that never stop extending financial aids and du'a to us. We can never repay them. Ya Allah, please grant them a place in Jannah for they have help a struggle family. 

But, my other sibling never came to rescue. Yes, she bought nearly half a million condo, she bought a comfy Volvo SUV, but she didn't bother asking for our wellbeing. I wasn't blaming her. I was at wrong myself. Might be my ego tor hers that broke us apart. I was angry at her and so did she. It was nobody's fault. It was shaytan. We were two losers who listened to the devil's whisperers and lost it. 

Alhamdulillah, things getting better and better. I'm happy for her and her children. I'm truly am. She never seek forgiveness from her, and I knew I did via text and email, but I never get any reply from her where she has forgiven me or not. Yet, things are getting better, though a bit awkward. 

I don't want to hate her. I regret thinking back of what I did wrong. I didn't blame her 100%.. I was partly to be blame. 

But today, I'm just as hurtful as I felt few years ago. Those years when Aidan was in Alor Gajah, and she was in the area for her in-laws are there, and she never care to visit Aidan. Aidan did asked me when he was in Form 1, "why didn't they come by and say hi? Aren't they are around the area?" I shut Aidan off. I don't have an answer... but it's so difficult for me to forget that question. 

This morning, my parents were telling me, she wanted to buy a pair of shoes for Aidan so that Aidan could wear it when he depart for Marseille. I am not comfortable with that idea. Definitely not!! 

I know, I shouldn't feel such way. Shame on me! I failed me!!! 

But why? why now? where were they when we really need the support? where were they when I have RM0 literally in my account and has nowhere to go but stay at home, inventing activities with my kids, hoping they would be as happy as others for their holidays would just be on the car porsh, the toilet and the balcony. Where were they????
Astaghfirullah al-azeem. 

Ya Allah, forgive us, Ya Allah. Forgive me Ya Allah

Bila datang rindu..

Lama tak hantar postings dalam blog ni.. 

Nak kurang-kurang melagha sebenarnya... leka bila login kat blogpost yang satu ni. 

Been updating my other blog lately, sharing knowledge I learned online.. moga menjadi sedekah jari'ah.. istiqomah ikhlas lillahita'ala. 

Allahumma ameen.

...

Diam tak diam, banyak benda jadi. 

Alhamdulillah. 

Kalau takde aral melintang, Inshaallah, Aidan will be leaving for France hujung August ni. 

Mama macam caya tak caya je.. 

Honestly, I am more worried than I thought I would be. 

Ya Allah, sesungguhnya Engkau sebaik-baik Penjaga.. 

Moga Aidan Istiqomah jaga Allah, sebab bila jaga Allah, akan terjaga semuanya. InsyaAllah. 

Aimar dah nak SPM .. Bulan 10 ni, kalut nak trial. 

Aivey is still adapting kat MRSM. Dok kalut mengantuk.. Allahu musta'an. 

Ya Allah, fallahu khayran hafidzan... jaga Aidan, Aimar, Aivey Ya Allah. 

Jujur, I really thought I'd be fine for they are all grown up and they'll manage to be away from home. 

Bila orang tanya, "akak ok ke anak2 takde ni?"

I told them, "alhamdulillah.. ok je. banyak benda lain dok perisi masa."

Tapi, bila time gelap-gelap, seseorang kat rumah, mula jiwa kacau, mula risau apa khabar anak-anak di merata ceruk rantau. 

Fallahu khayran hafidzan. 

Lama sungguh Nabi Yaakob tahan rindu kat Nabi Yusuf waktu hilangnya anak dia tu. 

Fallahu khayran hafidzan, wa hua arhama rahimiin.. Itu doa dia. 

Sungguh. Allah sebaik-baik Penjaga, Maha Pengasih, Maha Penyayang. 

Aidan, Aimar, Aivey.. 

Mama tak ok bila syaitan cucuk jarum, "anak-anak ko ni Ain boleh ke jaga iman diorang jejauh dari ko tu? tertutup ke aurat dia? betul khusyuk ke solat dia? sungguh ke dia jaga mulut dan hati dia?"

Allahu Akbar.. time tu lah paling kuat nak cari tepon nak tanya sorang2..."solat dah? ngaji tak? tak yah ngata orang lah... takde paedahnya."

Alhamdulillah... rasa macam nak, tapi tak buat... cumanya, time tu lah paling cepat telefon talian hayat.. doa doa doa.. 

I guess, the doctrin saying bila jauh, masing2 lupa dah tak applicable lagi..

Alhamdulillah, bila dah jauh, makin kuat bergantungnya kita pada Allah As-Somad.. 

Moga anak-anak juga tak putus bergantung pada Allah As-Somad. 

Allahu musta'an

xx

mama rindu anak3