they called them 'children' not 'student'

bismillah
and i meant well
...
it's teachers' day today. (the day i wrote the post, not the day i posted this)
i have so many things to say and so many blessing to counts, that i decided to write it out, one by one.
...
to all the teachers of my children

i had an experience to guide 11 year 6 students (of 12 years old boys and girls) for a performance they are going to present it this sunday.
i thought it's gonna be easy.
these kids are big enough as much as independent.
these kids are big enough to grab on things what they need and should do.
these kids are the most seniors and easy to guide!!
these kids are students of khalifah model school.
and how wrong have i been!
nope, they are not bad kids.
but then again, when they show no interest, sign of protest, buat idea sendiri takmo dengar auntie ain cakap and so on.... i was wondering, how did all their teachers survived all these while?
istiqomah, sabar, tekun...
ya allah, it's undescribable.
i could hardly make aidan listen to me the first time i asked him to.
and he is my own son, the most obedient anak of all!
and how could i expect the other 10 can listen??????

it was a brief encounter...
and the more i think of it, the more i knew i owe all the teachers that in my life, all the teachers of my children and all the teachers in this world who has made us the way we are..

masyaallah...

i wished i could buy them a Ferragamo bags or an Aigner watches.. just a sign of gratitude.. to all of them... but i guess, for now, cikgu2, kita berangan dulu ye.
...
when aidan was 4 years old, his was in a small kindi in kemaman.tadika seri budi. i remembered one day, aidan came back and told me "mama, sorry, tadi cikgu ros pukul hand aidan sebab aidan was talking when she was teaching".. he was only 4 and i was so defensive. but, i didn't see any wrong that cikgu ros has done. in fact, she was educating.. and that was his first lesson, respect your teachers!

aimar pulak, was lucky enough to get to know teacher noni during his kindi. anak nombor 2 saya ni, hero sikit. when i heard no complaint about aidan, aimar always made me closer to teachers... "kak, aimar pecah kan cermin mata kawan dia" and they were only four... sampai umur sepuluh tahun cikgu dok message mama "kak, nanti saya nak jumpe akak ye." and my usual suspect was aimar :)

bukanlah makna kata aidan tu tak pernah ada isu. o. he has his issue alright...

aivey, taring die belum tumbuh lagi. she has always be the quite one when in class.. just a total opposite than she is at home. belum dapat gu lagi kot.
...
i have been posting so many nice things about the teachers of khalifah.. the boys' teachers.
fact is, they are all nice.

pernah masa amik result aimar, teacher cakap "aimar ni kasar sangat, ada cikgu cakap dia kurang ajar"
aidan pun ada turn kene 'sound' ngan cikgu sampai kena ban from joining the qalam jamaei'
and me, being a defensive mother (and tell me, mak mana yang tak defensive?)... kekadang macam nak marah gak, dan kekadang macam sedih gak...

but then again, bila dengar balik cerita anak2 sendiri, i tried putting myself on the teachers' shoes..not my own shoes.. i might know and accepted my sons weaknesses and flaws... but these teachers... jenuh lah kalau semua nak tau and nak accept perangai 'special' anak2 kita satu-persatu... though, trust me when i say, almost all the teachers in KMS knew their students' acts and antics.... it's just the school. the method their using is so workable and o my, they are not just teaching my children, but me and my hubby too...

i remembered being interviewed by teacher lin before aidan and aimar got to be enrolled to the school... mak aii.. boleh cikgu tanye "how do you penalised your kids at home? do you know that in khalifah we don't encourage harshness".. i was like... ishhh.. sekolah pulak nak ajar camne kami nak besarkan anak kami... and me, being defensive (again), terus tanye teacher "why must you asked?" and her answered was not so convincing. she told me "we don't practice beating or hitting or anything harsh. khalifah method is a method that we guide our students to have a good inner speech, out of their own willingness to be good so that they know what is good and what is not. we teach with kindness. and this can only work out if the same applies at home too".
i was like, huh? no harsh punishment? no marah tengking? only kindness???? boleh ke itu macam?
trust me, i was like "does it work?" and she told me "insyaallah".

i was skeptical. but trust me, how wrong have i been... orang kata, bumi mana tak ditimpa hujan. its not all gold and shines, but it's the best they could give to my boys.

alhamdullillah, praise to allah for the blessings.

one of the right thing we did was to have them in a school like kms.
...
panjang pulak meleretnya...
nak cerita pasal cikgu2, pusing2 bukak citer sekolah.

but then again, if only i could describe the bond the students have with the teachers, the trust the students put on their teachers, the love they had for each others....if only i could....
it is undescribable, indeed...
...

i was working on the teachers' day event this weekend. one of the task is to do some editing work... the students were interviewing their teachers... i noticed one thing in common.. all of them would describe their students as children.. i love working with the children, i wish the best for the children and so on.... and some how, i was touched.
...
dear teachers, you've done so much for my kids, and we were strangers...the best gift i could gift (though Ferragamos or aigner sound great) is our prayers.. ya allah,hanya engkau yang mampu membalas jasa2 mereka yang baik budi... moga ilmu2 yang bermanfaat menjadi bekal buat kalian hingga ke jannah..ameen...

yes, it's personal

salam sir,
it has been 72 hrs, and i thought i could put everything in peace, and i failed.
i couldn't.
therefore, i'm writing this note to you.
...
for whatever we've done to you, please forgive us.
yes, as much as we tried to understand what major sins has been committed to the extent he was dismissed, we still couldn't compute on the decision made.
yes, he did wrong. he was late, always.
yes, he missed the submission.he failed submitting the respond in due time.
yes, the decision was not made by you alone. you do not have the authority to decide all by yourself.

but sir, i wonder, was it so severe that he had to be dismissed immediately, being humiliated to that extent, for all that he's done? did make the company loss so much business and profits? has he hurt anyone, especially you, to the extent you hate him so much?
...
he has his troubles.
i wish he could be more expressive and share it to everyone.
but, being that hard-headed man, i know he won't.

dear sir,
i wonder if you anyone closer to you, to be exact, anyone who is under your amanah, being diagnosed with cancer?
i'm not trying to buy any sympathy.. we don't need any.
in fact, as i'm writing this, i wish you highlight, this means no business, and yes, it's personal.
he didn't knew i'm writing this and please don't put more blame on him.
he was just a man who is 18 years younger than you, jobless, just because he did not submit few pages of his clarifications to defend himself when he had the chance. He definitely a good husband, he is now so distraught for having a sick wife who is not working and three little children who are still at school and need to be feed, take care of and love for. back to cancer, did you know that although he was the first Asian who was given the responsibility as the Supt in the 1st Deepwater FPSO in Asia, he didn't get much recognition on that achievement? I didn't understand how can the Company trust him so much that the Company could give him that post... On the other hand, did you know, when he got the job, he so much under stress. That was the year his wife was diagnosed of having cancer. That was the year he flunked his appraisal after decades in his careers. He has always been a nerdy in school and university and work. But, his wife had cancer, and we were only in our mid 30s.
Alhamdullillah, thanks to Petronas, the treatment was all paid for. Alhamdullillah, his wife recovered after 8x chemo and 33x radiotherapy. She lost 30kg and she was too skinny bone and too tired to work. We opted for her not to work during the remission. It's our 4th year of remission now. Did you know, when his wife no longer working with Petronas, she was no longer having her own medical insurance and depending on his? Did you know that she did not have any other insurance before that and too late to have a personal insurance now for cancer has always been a 'death penalty' to the patients? Did you know that remission doesn't mean you are going to be healthy all the time? Did you know that the chemo drug kills all the cell in her bodies and she is now recovering with such a horrifying side effect? Did you know that the head and neck radiotherapy kills her normal hearing, that she could hardly hear lots of things and need a lot of patience for people to deal with her? She also do not have enough saliva as her saliva gland was severely burnt due to the chemo, did you know?
Enough about cancer... it's just that it wasn't you that give us the cancer. But I just wish that you could understand, when his wife was not well, most of the time, he was the only adult in the house (and has to go to work), making sure everything is run normally and smoothly. That includes managing the kids schooling, the food and so forth. Did you know he was juggling in between time. Yes, you are right. it was none of your business. He should have been smart enough to manage to handle his personal life. He failed the company and it was him to be at fault (really?how thoughtful the company is). But, please agree with me, he is a good husband and a good father. And I bet, you are a good husband and a good father too... otherwise, at the age of 58, you won't be bothering to work and disciplining others, if you do not have children to feed on. Or maybe my assumption was wrong.
dear sir, if only you know how he tried writing up that summary and respond to your letter! If only you know. It was a mess sir! He didn't sleep..not at all.. He didn't sleep, not one or two nights in a row... he didn't sleep eight nights in a row.. at least, that's the longest I managed to keep track on. he was on his laptop, on that word files, editing and amending it over and over again. It was a horrible arguments we had when I asked him to just submit whatever.. and being an oddly perfectionist (which he denies my :)), he failed to submit anything. and yes, it was not your fault sir. but I just wish if you knew.
and on wednesday, when you were so proud on the decision you made, when you were so firm with the decision you held on, i wonder, did you know, that man who is 18 years younger than you is out of work while you are still working... i wonder, did you know he has mouth to feed.. and i bet, just like you, you are working to feed your wife and children.. but unlike you, he is not working..

dear sir, it is not your fault and i'm not pointing fingers on you.. he told me it was not your faults... ada hikmah Allah has arranged beautifully.

but sir, i just want to know? if that's how an HR head thinks the best to disciplining a person, does it really work? Does it give you the satisfaction sir? Does it give you such a great achievement that you can be proud of sir? Does it fair enough rather than other method like demotion and many other option? Does it fulfilled your satisfaction for having such penalty on a person who was clueless what DI was, how it should be conducted and failing to adhere or even requested for extension in a proper manner?

sir, have him and his family done so many wrongs to you that you hate us so much? forgive him and forgive us.
but please know, he hasn't been sleeping for months now. please pray that he's okay.

dear sir, forgive me for this writing, it supposed to be just a few lines of notes. i just want to know what sin has he made that the only option is to dismissed him immediately, as if he was born with no dignity. apparently, i wrote too much. but i wonder sir, did you ever think how it felt to be in this man shoe? the shoe you've done some damage on.

thank you sir. may allah bless you and your family.
...

Permaidani

I guess, I don't need to explain myself for the long pause.
I'm here
...

Rimbun dan redup kasih-Mu
Kau tempat ku berpayung
Di manakah lagi dapat ku rebahkan
Rasa gundah ini

Nun Kau teguh di sana
Pengasih dan Penyayang
Pun ku masih terleka
Meneguk ihsan-Mu
Walau ku sedari

Oh... nyamannya
Bila diperlukan rindu-Mu
Mengimbaulah sentosa

Bentangkan ku permaidani
Dari baldu berwarna putih
Moga tak ku terasakan
Cubaan yang ku galas ini
Kepada Mu titianku
Hijrahkanlah diri ini
...

Sekali-sekala, datang penat itu.
Lelah sesak nafaz dibuatnya.
Letih lesu lunyai.
Itu lah paling tinggi ujianNya.
Sabar.
Kurang sabar kita ini, sebab kurang syukur dalam hati
Astagfirullahhalazim

Dia
itu tempat kita
tempat bercerita
termpat bergossip
termpat mengadu
tempat munuduh segala

Dia Mendengar, dan kau tahu bila engkau tak mahu berhenti berceloteh meluah rasa biarpun suara yang ada hanya suara kamu
Dia Melihat, dan kau tahu bila engkau sendiri yakin dengan keajaiban segala perancanganNya
Dia Ar-Rahim, Dia Ar-Rahman, Dia Al-Latif, Dia Al-Ghaffur
selagi mana engkau yakin Dia ada di dalam mu
selagi mana engkau pegang Dia tempat engkau meminta
selagi mana engkau sujud menyembah Dia yakin diri sangat kerdil dan berdosa
selagi mana engkau basah menangis memohon ampun, memohon belas, memohon tenang, memohon iman, memohon sabar, memohon syukur, memohon rahmat, memohon berkat, memohon perlindungan, memohon cinta, memohon kasih, memohon harap, memohon kebergantungan..
Dia tak tidur
Dia Ada
Selagi mana niatmu hanya Dia
Dia tetap Ada
Yang Satu
Yang Esa
Yang Kasih
Yang Rahmat
Maha Pengampun
Maha boros melimpahkan taubat, melimpahkan rahmat
Pegang Dia
Mengadu pada Dia
Ikut Dia

sebab kita hanya ada Dia
bukan mereka, bukan yang lain
Hanya DIA
...
Maha Suci Dia
Subhanaallah

Ya Allah, Jauh sungguh hijrahku ini.. Lama betul terpesong senget berpatah arang..
Dan hanya Engkau Ya Allah, pemberi hidayah, yang bawa aku kembali

Mashaallah
Sayangnya Engkau pada si fakir hina ini..

Dan aku masih belum puas ketagihkan kasih Mu
sikit lagi Ya Allah
sikit lagi
sikit lagi
bantu aku
bantu kami
jangan tutup hidayah taubat itu Ya Allah

Keterlanjuran kita

Asyik sungguh aku terbuai dengan setiap madah puitis, khusyuk dengan penceritaan ikhlas, terus-terang dan benar-sebenarnya. Seronok! Gerun! Geram! Sesal! Sesak! Semua ada.

Kisahnya mudah, bahasanya indah. 

Layak-selayaknya dia disebut-sebut karyawan ulung, ulama masyhur Hamka.

Aku masih lagi leka membaca setiap mukasurat buku ini.

Terpanggil nak bercerita perihal dunia.

...

'Kerana sesiapa pun perempuan, bagaimana pun hinanya, buruk dan baiknya adalah kepandaian lelaki, lain tidak'

...

Tidak perlu berbicara sedalam-dalamnya. Hari itu, di FB, ada kisah para isteri yang marah.. ustaz ustazah dok tarbiah isteri kena berhias untuk suami, isteri kena siapkan air, sedekah senyuman bila suami balik... yang buat mereka lagi marah bila ustaz ustazah seperti mahu menunding jari kepada si isteri.. padahal isteri pun penat pulang dari kerja, sambung pulak kerja di rumah.. Allahuakbar, usah marah pada sang ustaz ustazah itu. yang mereka kongsikan itu nasihat rasul kita sallallahualaihiwasallam. 

(dan jangan marah saya pulak bila berkata begitu. saya bukan ustazah, ye saya tahu. saya tak kerja, ye saya tahu)

hal urusan rumahtangga hal kita laki bini.

kalau baik, ambil sebagai nasihat. kalau buruk, simpan letak tepi, supaya beringat, jangan buat! 

kita orang islam, tak patut percaya pada karma. tapi yakin Allah itu ada,Allah itu  perancang terbaik, Allah itu hak segala di bumi dan di langit.

banyak sangat cerita tak betul yang kita 'betulkan' untuk keperluan kita.

ada kawan belajar di luar negara, jauh dari ibu bapa, bertemu si cinta hati. kerana tidak mampu menjaga nafsu, tapi gerun dimurkai ibu, si lelaki ajak menikahi si gadis, tanpa izin dari si wali.. kahwin senyap2, nanti balik kampung kita kahwin lagi.

ada sahabat, masih 'waras' fikirnya. mana patut aku bernikah sementara aku masih muda dan masih bergelar pelajar. tapi cinta buat mereka terlanjur. lepas terlanjur, si perempuan risau tak datang bulan. bila sahih ada isi di rahimnya, the only option is abortion😭

ada juga yang masih waras dan yakin gugur bukan cara jalannya. anak itu lahir selepas sembilan bulan, sihat sesihatnya. tapi sebab risau bual mulut orang, sebab gusar ibu yang tua akan gugur jantung jika tahu khabaran sebenarnya, direkakan cerita anak yang lahir itu anak pungut. dia terlalu sayang anak si pungut itu, disimpan dan dibelanya dan si ibu tua juga kasih pada si kecil itu.

ada jodoh, ibu muda itu kahwin juga dengan kekasih hatinya. si suami bahasakan diri sebagai ayah pada anak kecil itu, dan si ibu masih berselindung identiti demi 'maruah' keluarga. 

ada andartu, manis putih orangnya, cuba selindung dari status isteri kedua. dikahwini sang lelaki tua yang rakus di sempadan.. tak berwali tak diketahui. si bapa andartu tak tahu, si isteri pertama mungkin tertanya-tanya.

...

yang lelaki, semuanya mudah, bila hati engkau sudah terpikat, ingat balik asal yang diniat.

bila kau nak amik anak orang, ada cara dan adab yang betul dan halal. 

engkau yang akan berjawab dengan tuhanmu dan tuhan isteri mu. 

kalau niat kamu tulus nak elak dosa, ambil dia cara baik, dari walinya dan terus2an pimpin dia supaya terus diganda pahala.

kalau engkau rasa yang 'terbaik' dengan merahsiakan dan bersembunyi, rasa balik betul2!

kalau engkau nak biarkan si isteri, berharap dia jadi isteri sempurna, tunjukkan dia cara suami sempurna. layaknya si sempurna dengan sempurna.

kalau engkau masih bernekad, aku lakukan demi menjaga agamaku, nekad semula. fikir, sanggupkah engkau jika perempuan itu anak dan saudara kerabatmu? 

nafsu itu memang hebat, tapi akal waras lagi lagi hero. yakinlah.

ada caranya. 

...

Aku tak de hak untuk menilai. Kita semua tak berhak. Kita mungkin tahu apa yang dilakukan dosa besar! Kita boleh berkata, tapi, kita bukan mereka...

Cuma, aku nak mintak tolong satu, balik pada Quran. 

Kita ini manusia... insan.. lemah!

Tapi, bila kita tau kita buat salah, bila kita rasa kita tak layak untuk syurga allah, usahalah berganda2, mintak ampun pada Dia.

Allah cakap, elakkan zina. Bukan, Allah cakap jangan kita hampiri zina! Tu sebab asal mula, kita rendahkan pandangan, kita tutup aurat, kita perlahankan suara, kita tak pakai gelang berkerincing.. antara cadangan untuk menjauhi zina!

Dan aku, antara yang tidak terlepas dari dosa. 

Tapi, Allah juga ajar kita.. di dalam namaNya ada ArRahman ArRahim! Bertaubatlah! Beristighfarlah!

 

Yang lelaki, be the man. 

Yang ada anak lelaki, didik anakmu untuk menjadi lelaki.

Yang perempuan, jagalah diri, jagalah hati. 

Bising buzzing

it's like being in a confined space, smaller than a cave.. perhaps it's like being in a box..

that ringging buzzed were louder than usual..

that high tone toddler's speech were too pitchy..

that every air you breathe, every saliva (if any) you swallowed, every movement of your hair were amplified..

you just don't know how to react..

you tried calming yourself.. 'sabar! be patience! it's part of imaan'... and it is upsetting when you still feel bugged! 

you tried being silent, and you just hate that breathing sound of yours!! 

you tried talking and you heard your

own voices bouncing back!!

you decided to stay silent again and yet that ringging buzz were too much!!

you cried!!

you failed!!

you brokedown!!

you were upset... 

you thought you were okay..

you thought you'd be fine.. 

you thought you'll get used to it, 

but you just cried!

for thought wrongly!!!!

it has been three years and you wonder how much longer will this lastu?

it came out of sudden..

when you were having dinner with your loved ones,

when you were trying to have decent conversations with your people,

it just came, interrupting...

and you cried!!

and you cried hard!!

ignoring your surroundings....

part of you were envious!

you wished they could totally understand how you were battling inside your ears and you knew they won't know.. you never knew how it felt.. you just had to go with the flow...

...

'salah tu sayang!

be patience!

istighfar banyak!

be thankful!

cry if it brings good to you!

don't cry if you hate it!

sebab semua itu datang dari Dia!!!!'

that's what he said...and that's what i needed to hear...

astaghfirullahalazim 

ampun ya Allah 

ampun yang amat sangat 

rahmat Allah bagi, aku masih disini bersama mereka yang aku sayangi dan yang menyayangiku, aku masih di sini bernafas bernyawa menginsafi kehidupan 

ampunkan aku ya Allah 

...

I'm writing this down

so that i would remember 

whenever i felt like it's not going anywhere; the blessings of Allah is way too much for me to complain about those little tiny test that He is giving..

after all, it's His way of saying Hi, istighfarlah..

astaghfirullahalazim 

i failed just now and i don't want to fail again..

it's a shame!

...

vv came up to the room

'kenapa mama cry ni?'

'mama sakit telinga'

'it's ok. mama don't cry. nanti dekat rumah atuk dalam basket tu ada tutup telinga, vv amik and mama can wear. lepas tu tak sakit lagi. now mama sleep, ok'

and she kissed me on both my ears!!

itu Ya Allah, antara nikmat Kau yang tiada siapa boleh nafikan!!Alah Ya Rahim Ya Rahman.. sujud aku, jatuh padaMu, ampunkan aku Ya Allah... 

and He is all you need

everybody is entitled to their own opinions.
but they most of us forget how to respect others' opinion.
we are our own bigot, a hypocrite.
we wanted people to respect us, but we never care to respect others.
what the heck?
...
Wallahi
i have been at my lowest point and i can never stop feeling thankful to Allah for allowing me to change and follow His path.
i am nobody to talk about Islam.
i am not a scholar and i know nothing.
but, i guess, i just have to keep on sharing my views, so that people i love know, i was them and i found out the hard way they were not right. i just want them not to do the mistakes i did, i just want them to know i love them too much that i want to see them in Jannah.

someone of my clan said something to my children.
the words uttered made me uneasy.
she was voicing out her opinion, for the good.
i didn't and won't agree with her.
but, as i've known her my entire life, i knew that arguing won't bring any good.
and my mind were disturbed since that conversation we had.
a brief conversation.
i'm not blaming her.
she didn't know.
i knew, if i was not given the 'second chance' to life, and Allah did not guided my heart to get to know Islam better, i would be in the same opinion as she was.

she told my daughter to buckle up and get ready for the future.
she asked her to start learning mandarin. 'that is what is wanted in the future'
i was okay with that.
and what she uttered next made hurt my ears and made my heart ache.
'you need mandarin, not arabic. knowing arabic won't help. it will only help you reading the quran and that's it. mandarin is the language to survive in future'
Astagfirullahalazim, I seek the forgiveness of Allah, the Mighty.
Allah please forgive us. Please forgive her. Please forgive me.
I knew her. She meant it the good way. But she put it all wrong. She wanted to be sarcastic. We were talking about the PM and his new ties with the China chinese and how the chinese are dominating nowadays. But she put it all in a wrong perceptions. She put it wrongly, and I pray that Allah do forgive her for her ignorance and I pray that she didn't meant the exact words she say.
Takut jadi syirik, takut hilang kebergantungan dan keyakinan pada Allah. Nauzubillahuminzalik.

it was only two days back I was listening to Mufti Menk's clip and he recited the ayat 3 from surah Fussillat,"a Book whose verses have been detailed, an Arabic Qur'an for people who know" (Quran 41:3)
Quran is all ours.
Rasullullah sallalahu alaihi assalam's very own mukjizat.
the Book who will be there for us in kubur and akhirat.
the Book who is a miracle.
and if you are an avid reader, read Quran and don't tell me you are not fascinated with its contents, its languange and everything in it.
the beauty of Quran is, it is the ayat of Allah. read it. and don't tell me you don't feel like your own Maker is talking to you one to one in His own way.
Every ayat, every verse, every surah, though it bears the same meaning and never had been changed since 1400 years ago, it will surely tells you 'different' story depending on who is reading it, the situation, emotion, and mind state of the readers.
to me, this is the only Book ever existed that talked back to you in so many ways.

and it is so heartbreaking to hear someone would say such thing to my daughter.
Al Quran is everything.
anak2, if you are reading this post, please keep in mind, Quran is everything.
nak jadi orang pandai, nak jadi orang berjaya, nak jadi jutawan, nak jadi genius, nak jadi superhero, nak jadi pemuda terhandsome dan pemudi tercantik, nak jadi manusia termulia, baca, faham, hafal, amalkan Quran.
never leave Quran. keep it by your side. keep it in you.
takpe sayang. kalau sebab nak belajar Quran, kalau sebab nak hafal Quran, you might lose time learning maths and science, lose it. belajarlah Quran. mama aboh redho.

i was her before.
i went for English language class for i knew the need in mastering English.
i went for Engineering for i learned that would be the most needed skill for my future.
i went for expensive Computer courses for i thought that would be an added advantage.
i outperformed myself.
my English was superb.
i was that engineer lady who climbed the compressor plant just to check on the 24" control valve and i was the only lady in the plant during the shutdown at 4 o'clock in the morning.
i was so successful.

but i put Quran on hold.
i couldn't find time to read it. not a page, not even an ayat.
of all my entire life, my memory reading Quran was when i was twelve, that was when nenek forced us to go the surau and learn the Quran. i completed the whole Quran once and that was it. i left it, just like that. i read Yaseen when there were death. i recited AlIkhlas and AlKafiroon in my prayers and that was it. and trust me, i didn't pray much pun.

i never knew what i want in life.
i got a good husband but i always thought he didn't understand me.
i always thought he didn't love me much.
i was good in my work, but it has always been not enough.

and i got cancer.

it was my husband who insisted us to change.
it was my husband who realized we were so drifted away from the path of Islam.
it was my husband who discovered i knew so little about the religion i live by every breath.

Mashaallah...
I am ashamed, to myself, to the Maker.
He knew i wasn't good.
He knew i was sinning.
He knew i was horrible.
He knew i abandoned Him.
and yet, He gave me this feeling, opened up my heart, and all I wanted is to learn how to be close to Him.

...
i'm teary.
i always thought life is all about success.
success is when you earned the most, you can just own anything you want, you have that grande lamborghini and that bungalow with two indoor pools in it.

how wrong i was.

success is peace.
success is firdausi.
success is when  rasullullah happy to meet you in akhirah.
success is when Allah bless you with His rahmah.

itu dah cukup.

takpe, kalau tak tau Mandarin sebab kau masih bersusah-payah belajar Arab, belajarlah Arab itu.
takpe, kalau tak cukup duit nak beli Beemer sebab kau nak wakafkan sikit tanah untuk buat surau, infaqkanlah duitmu itu.
takpe, kalau tak banyak kawan sebab kau tak mahu pergi ke kelab malam menikmati usia muda mu, biarlah hilang kawanmu itu.
takpe, kalau tak tentu masa kau nak habiskan tugasan sedang jemaah di surau menunggu, luangkan sepuluh minit pergi berjemaah sebab itu yang akan tolong kau hidup.

itu hidup.

you may not see it now.
you may think it's not worth it.

just remember, we don't live for the world, we live for akhirah. that is our final destination.
if you have to be poor to be rich akhirat nanti, be it.
if you have to be sick to be healthy akhirat nanti, be it.
if you have to be sad to be happy akhirat nanti, be it.

jangan risau rezeki orang cina kawal.
jangan runsing kalau bukan kau kesukaan bos sebab kau tak mahu makan rahsuah.
jangan sedih, janagan buruk sangka, bila kau, perempuan, belajar sampai ke menara gading, dan suami mu yang tahu tanggungjawabnya dan mampu menyara kamu sekeluarga menyuruh kamu tidak bekerja...
jangan buruk sangka
jangan buruk sangka
jangan buruk sangka

ingat satu
Allah ada...
He'll come to you if you look for Him.
He'll be there for you if you call upon Him.      
and if you decided to pick someone form China to be your guide, just pray hard that China man will guide you to the right path...
for if you go astray from Allah, He would go away from you... Nauzubillahuminzalik.

...

Ya Allah, bantu kami Ya Allah.
Kami jahil dengan segala kata yang kami ungkapkan
Kami buta bila dilalaikan dengan harta dan pangkat
Kami bisu dan tak dapat berkata apa-apa bila ayatMu dipertikaikan
Kami pekak bila ada yang hendak menasihati untuk berada di jalan yang Kau redhoi
Ya Allah, bantu kami Ya Allah
Terangkan dada kami, tinggikan iman kami, bersihkan hati kami
Rahmati kami, berkati kami, redhokan kami, Ya Allah.

they grow, non-stop

well, 

let's see if i could try to keep this blog updated as often as i wish..

hahahaha

everytime!

every single time, whenever i started to log in and click on this blog, and tried typing something, i would have that ambition somehow.

we'll see

and, well, i guess i would have known what the outcome would be.

...

and so, 

it's been a while since i keep updating about the children. 

it's year end..

they have all done their exams. 

haven't got any results yet. 

i still couldn't help myself from being a nazi mom during the exam weeks. an hour of one subject to another with 15 minutes break in between. i did empathized the boys. they must be very tired, but then again, they always seems to be clueless whenever we started new chapters or whatsoever. anyway, those phase were gone now that the exam was over. 

but, this time, i have a different mindset. i must ashamedly admit, for the past years, i was expecting excellent results, them being the highest of one and many subjects they could. i remembered picking up Aivey from her kindi and she told me, "Mama, today I did get scolded from the teacher. I was clever". I smiled and praised her. but she wasn't finished, "I was never clever girl. I was just a 'clever klogg' (her class's name) but today I was a clever girl. always Ayra was a clever girl, but today I was." my 5 years-old daughter was so cheerful but I felt like a pang on my cheek. what have I made Aivey into? She has always been the clever girl. She tucked me in my blanket when I was sick. she kissed and hugged me when I cried. She reminded my husband and I not to argue at all because married couple don't argue. O my.. and it was heartbreaking hearing what she have just said. and so, I settled! I wanted to raise them, to educate them, they way I should! to work as hard as they could, without pushing limits; to credits on their efforts and great results would just be a bonus. to keep telling them, they are smart and great kids. 

Aimar made me sad yesterday. he did something he shouldn't do, and I didn't scold him right away as his friends were all around. but I warned him that what he did was wrong and he cried before I punished him. he went to car and slammed the door. I wasn't mad. I was sad. very sad. I mummed and couldn't uttered any word though he was apologizing. Aimar is going to be 10 next year. He has always been the adik to Aidan and he hasn't 'grow up' that much in a sense. Yup, he is physically bigger as compared to Aidan, but he has been depending too much to Aidan and just don't bother about anything. When he got into trouble, he would cried, and we would scolded him. I wished he could change, or maybe we should, instead. but one thing for sure, I will never stop praying. he has always been the good son, and he will be fine. he will grow up and i know i will miss him. 

Just like I'm missing Aidan nowadays. I do. that sweet obedient cute litle budak pejabat. he is going to be 12 next year. he will be leaving for the boarding school and I know he is so looking forward for that. he did the aptitude test that i asked and one of the question was about boarding school. it asked if you were to go to boarding school, where would you want to be?

A. nearby the house

B. far far away

C. not going

and he picked B. I do not have to explain further. I truly don't have much to talk about Aidan, just as we don't talk as much neither. but, when he cried on the day of the cross country the school organized because he was winning and fell down and couldn't finish the game, he cried really hard on my shoulder. at that time, I knew, he will still come running, looking for mama, whenever he needed me and mama will always be there for you.

...

Okay, now cry. 

I could hardly write as emotional as I feel right now.  

I would be selfish if I were to ask them to stop growing. 

but I know how it exactly it feels... just like my mama is feeling now. 

:(