when it hurts the most

i wonder - which is worst?

better late than never
or better never than late

a dissatisfaction to be told just to let it in-the-know
or a dissatisfaction to be kept just to 'menjaga hati'

a broken promise to be shared as a life lesson
or a silent promise to be saved as a life grudges

a stranger who pointed out your mistakes so you are taught
or a blood buddy who muted up your bad behavious because you will never change (they thought)

a truthful comments that hurts
or a dishonest opinions that charms

the words of betrayals
or the smiles of treachery

i wonder - which is right?

being you
or being the person people want to

being harsh but true
or being fake because you have to

being vocal and understood
or mums up and let it be

i wonder

.................................................

i experienced sense of betrayals in a conflict happened few days back. as much as i wanted to keep it for myself, i failed, badly, miserably.

i got confused.

if we really love someone, we trust that person and we wanted the best for them, why did we hide crucial information such as "what were you thinking of doing? didn't you know you are hurting me and others with that harsh words of yours?"

after 13 years, i got to know there's 'so many dissatisfaction' that we have caused, and unfortunately, i just got to know about it on the day i ASKED for some clarifications on why someone did something to us... and this person who is so dear to me told me "it was just not that someone, but i have been keeping grudges and dissatsifactions from you too. you have hurt me on so many occasions but i chose not to make a big deal of it and keep my distance!"

i was sad the first time i heard about it.

and then i wonder,
1. after 13 years, if only there's no occasion of other party showing their dissatisfaction to us, i won't ask this person who is dear to me.
2. after 13 years, when i seek understanding as a third party, i was told she was one of the hurt victim too.
3, after 13 years, if i never ask, i never knew that i have hurt this person.
4. after 13 years, if i never knew, i will keep hurting them.

and she said, she has been keeping distance...

was i blind or whatever? i never felt that distance!

and after all this time, she told me, she could just burst.

and today, i still wonder, why did you keep it for that long?
if you said you love us, the way we do, why didn't you bother to tell us so that we are aware.
did you know when we are not aware, we never knew we were hurting you and we kept on behaving the way we did and you will kept on keeping it to yourself????? when will that stop????
if only we noticed your changes, then we will knew and hope we could change the way we act on you..
fact is, your behaviour on us still the same and we didn't see any changes!!!!!

and now, we have to take the blame and be bad guys????????????

grow up!

kalau berasa hati, kau bagitau...
sebab yang kau berasa hati tu, bukan ko kenal sehari dua...
yang ko berasa hati tu, bukan ko tak tahu hati budi dia.
kalau ko tak tahu hati budi dia, ko tanya...
ko pretend to be good so that semua okay dan tak perlu drama, nampak sangat ko mulia nak jaga hati....
dan ko patut tahu, ko tak perlu jaga hati sebab kalau kau sayang dan ko nampak orang buat salah, kau tegur supaya dia tak buat salah.

stop playing victim coz you are actually the bully!

hina sangat lakonan kau tu!

and nope, i'm not sorry.