....
today was bad.
i had been holding up my car loan settlement since october. i decided, today is the day. actually, i tried calling the bank, asking for the total full settlement and was told 'sorry, but we can't disclose your full settlement via phone. you need to go to the branch you took the loan (nine years ago!!).
i really didn't see the logic of not disclosing the information, especially when they expect me to make my full settlement via cash through the counter and not via IBG transfer or even their cash deposit machine!
anyway, as it has been on my to-do list for quite a while, i went to the bank alone - alhamdullillah. i expected that parking would be a hassle as it was noon. Tuhan mudahkan saya dengan good rezeki of great parking spot right in front of the bank..wham! bam!
as i went to the bank, i was told that the car-loan settlement was on 2nd floor, and there were no escalator! it was a struggle... trust me..for a person like me, walking 25 steps were a struggle.
on a side note, we went to the skytrex adventure park yesterday - the boys were enjoying the activities while me and aivey just hang around..and it was such a tiring experience for me, just hanging around... i slept as early as i done my isya' prayers, in my telekung, only to be wake by aimar asking if i wanted to go for dinner which i said no... so, i slept till subuh.
ok, back to the bank, i went up just to realize i left my MyKad in the car. so, another going down and climbing up the stairs and my energy bar for the day has surely reduced. they didn't allow somebody else to come and do the settlement, or else my hubby could help me on that.
and as i've waited, i was told that the amount and was told that i need to make the payment at the counter below which required me to take another number and another waiting time... i was tired. i need to go back and so i told the staff that i would need to make payment at the branch nearby my area as i was just tired and need to rest for one to two hours.
she said i could do that and all i need to do was to pass the receipt and the branch nearby would do the rest.
and so, i went back, zohor and took my lunch.
we went to the branch nearby, and my husband had to wait in the car as there were no parking spot to be seen anywhere.
so, i took my number and waited..only to be told at the counter (of course after i waited for a while) that 'puan kena masuk kat dalam, nak verify thumbprint dan settlement amount'...
she was not courteous and i was tired.
frankly, it was too much - my energy was dozing off and i was just so tired. i asked so many questions at the other branch ealier, for verifications and so forth so that i do not have to go through the verifications bla bla.... all i wanted to do is to give them their goddamn last payment and that was it...
and i broke down.
i screamed at the top of my lung.
and i cried.
i was just tired.
tired of being tired.
and it wasn't nice when a person who used to be so active, so hyper and always on the go five years ago, was all tired and sick and tired and deaf and couldn't hear and tired and alll.... and that has been with me for the past four years, continuously.. and it has yet to stop.
why must the system be so hostile?
why couldn't human be considerate?
at that point.. i broke down.i wonder if i was disabled with no leg or with just one arm, it would be easier... people could just identify me as a disabled person and they could understand my struggles... if only they could see the non-stop fluid that has been coming out from my ears since morning, and not getting better after lunch... if only they could see my blocked ears that i could hardly hear anything and all i could do is smile ans asked politely 'sorry, i couldn't hear you. boleh repeat balik tak?'....if only...
i broke down at the bank.
and i apologized to all of them.
they said it's okay, we understand.
and i trust them, they don't understand.
and i'm sorry
i really am.
...
aimar was scheduled for his circumcision today. it has been delayed for quite a while.
we kept postponing it due to no doctors and some other activities. to the extent, i was thinking that perhaps we need postpone it to march next year. but he has set his mind 'cuti ni aimar sunat'.. and so, we found a clinic and he said yes.
so, we went after asar.
he was all cool and macho all this while, only when we reached the clinic, he need to pee and get all nervous.
i didn't went in, i couldn't bear it.
even when aidan had his, it was just him and aboh.
and so did aimar, him and aboh.
but this time, i heard him screaming, at the top of his lung. 'sakit! sakitnya! ya allah! sakitnya!'
and i cried.
i knew he 's level of tolerance has always been lower than abang dan or even aivey.
he might just exaggerated things.
drama lebih sikit.
and yes, my hubby confirmed that he had it easier than abang dan's. it was minor, very minor. the cries and the screams did not constitutes with the pain.
but i guess, it's aimar.
i kept on telling him bila sampai rumah... la yukallifullahu nafsan illa wus'aha....
and so, he tried to soothe himself and fell into deep sleep.
alhamdulillah..
another new page to turn.
abang aimar dah sunat!
...
i has always been a 'screamer'.
i guess most people so dear to me know me better - my mama byk kali pesan 'jaga mulut tu, tak payah lantang sangat bila bercakap'.
trust me, i tried..and trust me, i still hasn't give up on trying.
itulah doa yang tak pernah putus, lepas tahjud lepas taubat lepas hajat... antara yang dalam list nak mintak 'ya allah, bersihkan hatiku, jauhkan aku dari sifat2 jahat yang mengotori hatiku..jauhkan aku dari sikap takbur, sombong, ujub, riak dan semua penyakit hati. tinggikan sabarku, kuatkan imanku, jadikan orang bertakwa. ya allah, aku tak mampu nak tanggung azab nerakaMu atas kezaliman aku pada diriku.. ampunkan aku Ya Aziz Ya Ghafur.'
and to people that i've screamed at, i'm sorry.
but i guess, the beauty of Allah, is jodoh yang 'sekufu'.
dulu, ingat sekufu tu lebih kepada nasab dan keturunan.
but then, my husband's family is not so much of sekufu with mine.
i just hope, one day, people will realize, dia mungkin tak sekufu dengan kamu, tapi kami sekufu.
when what i did may seems wrong, to him, that was my beautiful strength, standing by what i believe is right..sampaikan kalau orang masih rasa tak betul, i need to know why.
dan sekufunya kami, sebab he is exactly that.
mungkin cara, gaya, bahasa tak kena...but all he wanted is just an explanation so that things could be understood and future mistakes could be avoided.
i totally can relate to that, but i guess, most people don't.
sebab orang tak nampak, orang tak tahu.
yang orang nampak sebaris dua ayat, itu lah kesimpulannya.
yang orang dengar sepatah dua kata, itu lah kebenarannya.
sebab dia tak ikut sistem, macam kat bank, i insisted not to give more id verification inside the office just because i was tired but the system had to (though they can just do it over the counter) and i screamed and broke down.. orang nampak, ada perempuan refused to bekerjasama.
orang tak tahu perempuan tu sakit dan penat dan penat sebab sakit dan telinga blocked teruk dan telinga keluar cecair yang dah melampau banyak! orang tak nampak tu.
so,if perempuan itu mintak maaf or not, orang dah ada conclusion sendiri.
the question is: should i tell them, i am on remission and today is my sick day! should they know the truth so that they don't judge? or should i just let them be..let them judge and tell others 'hari ni ada orang gila kat bank'...
i don't know.
...
someone so dear to me told me '..kagum dengan ketabahan menjaga syurgamu..'
and it made me wonder.
belum tinggi sabar ku
belum kuat iman ku
belum bertakwa lagi diri ku
tapi, aku nak syurga yang Allah janjikan
aku nak
aku nak
aku nak
dan aku tau, kalau kita kat syurga nanti, kita boleh ajak semua orang yang kita sayang join kita kat syurga.
Ya Allah, bagi aku sedikit kekuatan untuk menjaga tempat syurgaku.
but for now, all i care is to jaga diri ini, jangan sikit bahang neraka pun sampai di aura ku.
nauzubillah.
aku tau, aku tak mampu.
aku tau, neraka itu pedih, siksa kubur itu membunuh, azab2 yang Allah janji itu benar.
ya allah, jauhkan aku dari segala itu.
ya allah, jaga aku dan orang2 yang aku sayang, ya allah.
ya muhaimin
ya muhaimin
ya muhaimin
ya muhaimin
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