Saturday, December 29, 2018

It is personal

I did something that is soooo hard for me to swallow today.
I am no noble, but, today, I prayed in my prayers for Allah to forgive those who hate us.
I usually asked for a 'blanket' prayers "oh Allah, please forgive those we hate".
But today, I specifically mentioned their names.
They hate us so much that they cut off totally.
They invited everyone but us. Not the first time, though.
I always blame myself for what had happened.
I always ask for Allah's forgiveness to forgive us as I always believe that we are the one that cut ties.
We stand for our rights wanted to know why they hate us so much, that they had to bring out all those hatred that they kept for the past five, ten years... and maybe more.
Earlier this month, people whom I thought I love, were screaming at me, yelling..
Telling to go away.
Yup, they did
They asked me to go away.
"Pergi! Balik!"
Those words were too harsh coming from people I thought I know all my life.
And silly me, I didn't go back,
I didn't go back because I didn't want to be the one who Allah's be mad at and I don't want to hurt our beloved Prophet SAW for cutting ties.
I regretted that I did finally go back that night.
But one thing, that night was the night I knew it wasn't me.
It wasn't me who cut the ties.
Today, I mentioned their names, asking for Allah's forgiveness.
I specifically mentioned their names.
And I cried.
Truthfully, I was being true.
I mentioned their names, out of hatred, asking for Allah's forgiveness so I could be the better person.
Nope, I'm not ikhlas.
I knew it.
And I pray for Allah to give me strength.
I forced myself to be true, but it's too hard to swallow.
Allah knows.
Allah knows I wasn't true to myself when I asked Allah to forgive both of them in my prayers.
Tapi, Nabi SAW sendiri cakap, kalau baca Quran, paksa lah diri untuk menangis.
And for this situation, I am forcing myself to ask from Allah, ampunkan mereka. I knew, that's a sign I'm trying hard to forgive them, despite of me not being truthful.
Abah said he witnessed her asking for my forgiveness, not just a standard selamat hari raya ampun maaf zahir batin.
And if she really asked for my forgiveness, why didn't they extended the birthday invitations and the wedding's invitations?
Gosh, I know I will hate this posting.
But I guess, as I meant well that this is for Aidan, Aimar and Aivey to read when I am no longer in this world, I want them to be reminded.. I want them to know, mama did try!
Aivey just came in the room, asking me why I was crying..
and as I explained to her, she told me 'don't worry ma! you are brave! fight the battle to go out from the darkness!'
Allahuakbar.. She's a godsent. She's the asbab of Allah telling me, Allah definitely knows best.

Sunday, December 23, 2018

Family ties

marriage is complicated.
when you got married, you thought you life is complete.
instead, you realized they are so many surprises waiting, and you realized it's too late to turn back.
Nope, no turning back.
It's either you bulldozed with passion and strength or you stop and put everything off.

marriage is not just between a husband and wife.
with marriage, there comes in-laws, sons, daughters and all.
it's a community.

one thing about community,
you don't have to like everyone in it.
as long as you could respect each others, that is good enough.
if you love them enough, care for them, always wanted the best for them, you could take the courage to correct them if they are at fault or the least tell them they are in the wrong.
not just by giving your sweet face like everything was okay and talk about them behind their back.
that is sick. very sick.
you communicate when you are in a community.
communicate. community.
do I need to elaborate more about it?
and if you your choose not to communicate, the least you should do is not to say if anything.
if you decided to say it, what's wrong with others wanted to know how could you come up with such conclusion?
verifying is also part of communication.
you communicate by expressing your views, listening to others' in respond to your views, verifying things you don't understand and get verified so people don't misunderstood you and improve oneself if need be.

a husband is responsible to the wife.
just as much parents are responsible to the children.
treat others with respect.
yes, being a husband is tough. you need to be the sole-provider. and you also are responsible on what you wife and children's behaviours. and so, we must know, why Islam puts a husband higher than the parents of the wife.
a husband ought to know how to treat the wife and the children. physically. mentally. emotionally. spiritually.

and definitely. it takes two to tango.
a wife, her responsibilities are all fall upon Allah, Nabi SAW, and her husband.
it's not hard to earn jannah. sounds like. it's not easy too.

syaitan had made his promised to bring all Adam's families to the hell.
syaitan won't let it be easy for any of us.
and when he won, you should be thankful how Merciful Allah is to those who repent.
may Allah accept our taubah.

Saturday, December 8, 2018

you are winning

if this is the game you play to win,
you are winning!
i was told she told my boys not to be rude like their father.
i went to her to verify
i came in peace, to discuss
and i was shouted at
which i failed then, i shouted back!
that was the trigger..
others stormed off
they were asking me to leave
i was the one who got shut off
i used to be his favourite, but that was then..
that night, i saw him taking sides
though he said he didn't want to get involved
'wallahi' he said.. he heard her well that night, he told me.
he shamed my husband
for that was what everyone wants
that was what she and she wanted
and that night, they won.
yes, you are winning!
i rest my case.
we wanted to talk
end up we were told off.
my hubby did talked,
but was told it wasn't a talk but was a fight.

kang, cakap dayus kang, marah.
tapi, kalau bangga dengan cerita kamu bergaduh
trust me, itu bukan dayus..
itu hina..
yang dayus bila kamu masih mengikut telunjuk si isteri kaya berkerjaya
hingga kamu tak mahu tahu apa yang benar
yes, you are winning!
since that day i went to confront you,
and like you will always be,
showing others how noble you are
while you are just a fake chickenshit!

you have won!
when you made everyone hate him
just the way you wanted
just the way you've been keeping for the past decade.
and everyone seems to hate him

you are winning.
i just wanted to know
when you decided to hate him, and pretended everything was ok, whom are you kidding?
when you decided to share your opinion, and started to hate me when i shared your opinion to my own hubby, whom are you kidding?
when you started to draw your own conclusion, spreading lies to others, whom are you kidding?
when you started to yell and scream, as if you are the victim, whom are you kidding?
grow up!
you are no little girl!
for goodness sake, you are 36!

but i guess you could never grow up!
not like me!
i had cancer when i was 36.
and i won't stab people the way you did!
if that is what winning is to you,
you won!

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Me! Me! Me!

I was fooling around the the online game that passed by my FB wall.
I never take any of the result seriously.
Somehow, I took a screenshot of this one, just for the sake of my own 'wanting' to talk about it before I call it off for the day.
I had it hard last weekend.
Nope, it's not my cancer. and don't ever think it was about my husband.
Payah gak hidup dalam alam social media ni, semua yang kita share, bila berkias je, ada je statement 'i love that person so very much' or a statement 'someone so close in my heart' atau yang seangkatan dengannya, maka, akan mula lah jarum-jarum halus dari mata ke otak hingga yakin sampai ke hati "ni mesti ngata laki dia ni!"
As much as I love telling stories in my kind of way, I doubt that I talk about my hubby except his goodness... Of course, to someone close to me, I do share my rants about him once a while. But then again, being me, I always believe whatever information I withheld from my dear husband, will sooner or later leak to him, with or without intention. Bearing that in mind, I always remind myself, never to tell lies and talked bad things about your spouse, coz I know that he won't do that to me!

Alahai..panjang lak melalutnya.

Anyway, I had it bad  last Saturday! It has been a while.. as a matter of fact, it is 'celebrating'its 1st anniversary last Nov.

Nope, I'm not stating it every details.
But I know, as I'm getting older and the children get a lot wiser, and they decide to read up my blog one day in the future, as they stumbled upon this post, they might recalled how bad it was.

The day when Aimar wanted to seek the truth and got shut off by someone older just and the day Aidan spoke his mind by asking what's wrong for asking to verify and the day they were both being told off 'jangan kurang ajar macam bapak korang' just because they asked for the truth.

We taught our children to pick to be true over being kind for that is what as Allah's slave wajib buat!

So, AbgDan, Aimar, you boys did nothing wrong and you boys are not 'kurang ajar'. Sometimes, different mindset define 'kurang ajar'differently. And that what happened.

As I stumbled upon the outcome form the '7 things describe the truth of Ain'.. I wonder, of all the combination the game is programmed, all the descriptions  what made it happen over the last weekend incident.

1. wears my heart on my sleeve!! this is what being Ain is!truth is, i have always been that girl who speaks her mind out loud. I guess, that is why I have lots of friends, and not missing out, lots of enemies as well. love me or hate me! trust me, it has been a struggle but yes, i wanted to try.. wanted to learn to be more reserve... but it has always been a struggle!
2. does not like fake people!! back to point one, being too comfortable voicing my opinion out loud, fake people hate me and my guts. so, should i take a blame over someone who choose to fake their feelings over being true to others?
3. sometimes cries in secret. hmmmm.... friends know me how 'lembik' i usually am. politically correct phrases 'sikit-sikit nak nangis!'... somehow, i cried more and deeply behind that closed door.
4. is a fighter... hahahaha.. to sound cliché, didn't they say 'we cancer patients are fighters?':)
5. joyful and optimistic nature. well, again, k intan and ija are my witness how true this is to me! as simple as I would raise my right hand and confidently announced it out loud 'follow my hand, turn left!'and yes, sometimes, my confident won over the correct answer.
6. does not give up easily. i grew up with the idea i do give up easily. but i guess, as time passes, experiences after experiences, i knew for a fact that, yup, i don't give up easily.
7. has a lot of faith in God. alhamdullillah. most people who has an argument and does not come head-to-head with me would say 'tahu agama, tapi perangan tak macam orang tahu agama'. allahuakbar. please don't put blame on my agama and faith. that is me. my ignorance and my bad. nothing got to do with the Islam and its purity. kita sama-samalah doa. the thought and feeling like Allah is always there, the sweetness in zikrullah, the wanting in what He ask us to do and all is the strongest love story one would want now and hereafter. Doa kita sama-sama, may Allah gives us more and more loves, and may own Allah's bless bila nanti tiba yaumul qiyamah.
So, it's December huh?
It wasn't an easy year, but, bumi mana yang tak ditimpa hujan, kan?

Sunday, December 2, 2018

Being True vs Being Kind

I lost to the iblis yesterday 
I knew for the fact, selemah-lemah bisikan adalah bisikan syaitan, and I lost.
I’m not confused
I wanted to know
being true vs being kind
in the qur’an we are much aware that we have to be true.
the qur’an also preach us to be kind.
but if you have to be true and hurt those that matters, you are not kind.
so, that is not the right way.
but if to be kind, means you have to hide ir nit knowing the truth, is that Islam?
the easiest answer is ‘depends’
people say ‘depends on the situation’
but people never realize how selfish the situation would be.
the situation is when you demand the truth, they shut you off.
when you insist, they yell at you because ‘you force them too’
when you  persistence, they accused you not being the real muslim.
when you explain the fact, they tell you off ‘bukan ke mamaafkan itu lebih baik?’
and ask you to let bygone be bygone.
in the end, you are back to square one.
clueless with what happened and start demanding the truth again.
so, what weighted more?
1. seeking for true to understand
2. stand for the truth
3. be kind
4. forgive and forget
"O you who believe! keep your duty to Allah and speak straight, true words." (Holy Quran 33:70) 
"O you who believe, keep your duty to Allah, and be with the truthful people." (9:119)
"Be maintainers of justice and bearers of true witness for Allah, even if it (the truth) goes against your own selves or parents or relatives or someone who is rich or poor." (4:135)

- Clearly, being true is one’s duty to Al-Kholik

Goodness and kindness to others: 
"Allah commands you to uphold justice and to do good to others and to give to the relatives." (16:90) 
"Do good to others, surely Allah loves those who do good to others." (2:195)

-Yes, be kind, but be just too

Consideration and respect for others:
"O you who believe! avoid most of suspicion (against others), for surely suspicion in some cases is sin; and do not spy (into other people's affairs), nor let some of you backbite others." (49:12)
“When you are greeted with a greeting, greet with one better than it, or return it (in the same terms at least)." (4:86)

-Si, if one decided to agree to disagree, why do one talk behind the other and raise the issues at their convenience even after a decade long?
-So, if one returning the same terms, why was the returner got turned away? 

6. Forgiveness: 
"Pardon (people) and overlook (their faults). Don't you love that Allah should forgive you." (24:22) 
"(The dutiful are) . . . those who restrain their anger and pardon people. Allah loves those who do good to others." (3:134)
"Whenever they (true believers) are angry they forgive." (42:37)
"The recompense of evil is punishment like it. But whoever forgives (an evil committed against himself) and amends (matters), his reward is with Allah. . . . Whoever is patient and forgives, that is a matter of great resolution." (42:40, 43)
When the Holy Prophet Muhammad defeated his enemies in Makka and returned to that city as its conqueror, he forgave them in the following words:
"No reproof be against you this day; Allah may forgive you, and He is the most Merciful of those who show mercy." (12:92)

-this is how syaitan won over me

Saturday, November 24, 2018

Happy Birthday, Yu

I thought of just texting you or an FB shoutout to wish happy birthday to you..and realized, it's not just a usual annual birthday.
it's you big 40, kan?
I have so many things to write that I ended up writing it in the blog instead.
Happiest 40th, Yu.
Aku ada banyak wish nak wish and doa kat kau, untuk kau, Medi, Sahila and insyaallah to future ayu's & medi's clan!
You are definitely a proud daughter to you late ibu & ayah, and a loving sister to Munir.
You are no doubt, the best mom to Sahila and the hottest wife to Medi.
and to me,
You are the best buddy i can rely on whenever wherever.

You are my girl!
You'll finish my words just before I utter them
You understand what I was thinking when I myself don't
You wait forever when I say in a minute
You listen to me hours when I am upset and just want to have a 'wall' to throw everything out
You don't seem like no me forever, but you do know me like forever
You support me no matter how insane my idea is
ooooo, the list could go endlessly.

For that friendship, I really need to kill you if I don't want to have a trace of my past (or even my future) to know about it!

We both know our each struggles.
Kau dengan citer kau.
Aku dengan citer aku.
Anak-anak aku besar, walau tak depan mata kau, confirm-confirm besar dlama telinga kau, masuk dalam hati!
I remember those days...
Aku macam emo bila nak citer bab anak ni.
Aku teringat ibu.. dan aku tahu, kau sure nangis kalau aku over-over.
so, takyah over sgt lah.
It's so sweet bila kau letak nama Sahila as Sahila, a replacement of letter B to H in commeration to nama ibu kau.
She would definitely proud of you, walau macam mana pun...
Kau doakan dia dan ayah kau bebanyak ye.

People can and will judge you!
Diorang nampak, kau pompuan tak pakai tudung, hisap vape (dulu lah kan)..
Ada kau kesah?
Aku ingat lagi, selama kita kawan, bila masa aku bunyi je nak try pakai tudung, kaulah satu-satunya kawan yang tak pernah bagi respond negative....
Kau cakap pakailah..
And I said that, not once, not twice.. bertahun-tahun dalam kita berkawan (21 years wuuhuu!) bertahun-tahun lah kau cakap 'nak pakai, pakai je lah'.
Padahal, ada orang yang pakai tudung dari form 1, bila aku bunyi cakap nak pakai tudung, selamba je cakap 'tak yah lah.tak cantik'

we've gone so many things after 21 years.
Citer kau
Citer aku

Hari ni,
kalau nak citer satu-satu,aku melalak depan komputer ni dan anak-anak aku mesti pelik sebab tengok 'mama tak tengok youtube pun tapi nangis sakan'...
so, aku hold lah citer tu.
kite simpan dalam memori kita.
dan akan sentiasa bercerita, sesama kita, sesama anak-anak kita.

Aku look forward nak dengar citer2 Sahila nanti.
Sekarang ni pun, kalau bakar sikit je, mesti berjela kau nak citer...

Aku suka masa kau nak kawin
Aku suka masa kau dapat baby
Hari ni, aku suka sebab kau dah masuk 40, sama ngan aku punye timezone.... haahaha

Happy birthday dear friend.
Moga diberi rahmat dan redha Allah
Moga dilimpahi rezeki hidayah, kesihatan, kekayan, kebahagian, kebijaksanaan dan anak-anak soleh solehah.
Happiest birthday, Yu!
Sayang kau!

Friday, November 23, 2018

cancer is life

It's Friday.
Alhamdullillah, bangun hari ni walaupun kepala pusing dah macam nak pecah dunia, i've managed.
Semalam, sebelum tidur, sempat merefleksi diri.
I had difficulties to go bed to lately.
I usually an easy-sleeper.
Letak je kepala, terus zzzzzzzz
But of-late, I've been having trouble sleeping.
Been on the bed for hours and yet I couldn't shut my mind.
I blamed the buzzing ears.
I blamed the working brain.
I usually got tired only when it's 1am or 2 am, which my usual bedtime was 11ish.
I would wake at in the middle of the night, like around 4ish as my throat dries up and I need some water or I'll chocked in my sleep.
I was wondering... what more?
I've been in remission for nearly 5 years now, a phase where I've completed my cancer treatment and the cancer cells are supposed to inactive.
Remission also is a phase of 'caution'as the potential of the cancer to relapse and make a comeback will always be there.
I had bleeding ears last few months.
I've been ignoring the sign.
My fear is there.
Last three weeks, I had bleeding nose.
What more?
And now, this? The headaches are 'weird'..I had migraine before, but this is different.
And this morning, as I got dressed and drove the car, I wonder, what is it with my body?
What more do my body wants from me?

I visited a friend this morning.
Her husband is in stage 4 of liver cancer.
Her husband had been treated for stage 4 prostate cancer and stomach cancer for the past two years...
and now, this!
He is no longer in chemo.
He had enough.
60 cycles? and here I am complaining with my 8 cycle chemo! Ish, malu kat diri sendiri.
He didn't want to be on morphine.
I remember had mine after my 4th cycle and it was soothing.
I remember how excruciating the pain was from the chemo drug.
It somehow indescribable and yet it stays in my mind vividly even after 5 years.
I remember telling myself, I pray, no matter how much I hate and mad at someone, I just wish the person will never be tested with cancer. Chemo suck! Big time!
My friend is one strong lady.
She is very strong that I felt ashamed for feeling teary when I heard her telling us about her hubby.
They are leaving for Madinah this Sunday.
He is not fit at all for travelling, but that was his last wish while he is still breathing and they are going.
He brought with him an entourage, 13 of his siblings and good buddies.
He wanted to go to Madinah first, then performed his umrah.
His wife told us, they never went to Madinah first, and this is the first time he decided to go to Madinah first.

I remember reading articles, 'makan ni boleh cegah cancer', 'amalkan ni boleh pulih cancer'and so forth.
Truth is, I hate those advertisement.
Cancer is not a death penalty!
Cancer is life.
Cancer will be there, be it you are 'free'cancer or not after treated.
But cancer gives us a lot. At least, cancer gives me a lot of things.
From cancer, I learned the constant buzzing in my ears that get louder and louder everyday, is a reminder for me to never forget that I can still hear.
From cancer, I learned the middle-of-the-night 'disturbed'sleep due to dry mouth and throat is a wake-up call for me to be near Him at the very best time of the day.
From cancer, I learned the fatigues that I constantly complained is the reason I had to just sit in the house, read the Quran and learn the ilmu that I never I knew I need to know.
From cancer, I live.

Hidup ni,
ada cancer takde cancer,
ajal itu hak milik Pencipta.

Beruntunglah bagi mereka yang sedar.
Rugilah bagi mereka yang tahu, tapi masih leka lalai dan tidak sedar.

May Allah eases all our urusan, dunia akhirat.

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Periksa nombor apa?

Aivey was asking me, "ma, what do i got for the exam?"
"Got what?"
"what number do i get?"
"number? number apa?"
"tak tahu, nenek tanya. saya cakap saya tak tahu. nenek cakap suruh tanya mama."
it's the year end.
it has always been great pleasure to see the achievements of each anak-anak kawan in the FB, sharing great moments, flying colours and awards di hari anugerah, ihtifal day and so on.
exam no 1, 2,3. terhebat in everything.
mak ayah pandai-pandai.. anak-anak kena double pandai lah dari mak ayah, kan.

but then again, i wonder, hari anugerah ini, untuk apa dan untuk siapa?
yes, an award to recognize all the hard work of the students, for the students.
but does it really worth it?
i have mixed opinion about it.
ihtifal sekolah khalifah ni selalu ada surprise elements.
anak-anak tak diberitahu who got what.
masa ihtifal day, anak-anak kene tengok nama yang teacher letak on placard and they will que. nama naik, maknanya dapatlah hadiah hari tu.

when aidan and aimar started with khalifah model school, i was so looking forward to ihtifal day.
i must admit, i was that kiasu mom who wanted to make sure both my sons excelled in their exams and got recognition.
the first year, they didn't fail us.
they made us proud.
sorang siap dapat award ulul albab lagi..
on the second year, alhandulillah, they still got their names being called.
on the third year, i realized, 'sekolah ni, kalau boleh satu sekolah diorang nak bagi award. kalau boleh ada award student paling banyak keluar kelas pergi toilet pun, diorang nak bagi.'
so, was it something bad?
i don't see it as bad at all.
in fact, i was waiting for the forth year, and fifth year this year.

learning experienced with aivey was totally different as compared to abang-abang.
she did has some difficulty in reading, hence, it slows down her learning progress.
she did well in some, but not as excellent as where her abang-abang used to be at her age.
i wasn't expecting her name to be called upon pun.
in fact, i've prepared her mentally that she shouldn't feel anything bad if she didn't get anything during the ihtifal.
told her she has done her best and i knew she could and would do better in future.

during the day, we saw the agenda booklet shared via whatsapp (another great thing about the school, the agenda booklet are in softcopy, no hardcopy, saving the environment, paperless).
i was surprised to see aivey was one of the name listed.
she got the as-saff award, best year 1 student in co-curiculum (non-sport).
i couldn't tell her right away as she was already with her friends in their allocated students seat.
i was nearby when she saw her name was on the placard and she walked passed me and was excitedly telling me "ma, saya dapat hadiah lah. orang yang dapat tu tak datang kot (so, i replaced her)"
that glow in her eyes are so genuine and naive.

the day ended up great.
aimar, for the first time, didn't get any academic award this year.. hahaha (melepas dia duit nenek nak bagi kalau boleh beat balqis - that girl is supergenius lah!)
but he got the hafazan mumtaz and diniyah competition.

ihtifal in KMS has always been special.
nope, academically, they give away to those yang memang dapat no 1 in class dan no 1 in subject.
but they have list of great award like
best performance in dinniyah activities
memorization of juz amma
hafazan mumtaz
best performance in co-currucular, sports and non-sports
most improved
best performance in punctuality in attendance and responsibility
best akhlaq
selfless service
most promising leader
best leadership, dinniyah and overall.
gosh, these list! you do not have to score 100% in science or maths or even arts to get to the stage.
just be kind, a great khalifah. you are competing for the best akhlak, a healthy competition.

isn't all these need to be recognized and appreciated?
after the ihtifal, we have the Parent-Teacher Conference (PTC), a one-to-one session to get the exam results and the students overall performance.

I remember the early years when we had our first PTC and I was looking at the report, looking for the boys ranking in the class. Nope! Na-da!
I remember asking the teachers 'anak dapat no berapa?'
and I remember the teacher responded to us politely with a smile 'kita takde ranking, kak. tapi anak akak ni, alhamdullillah, antara yang mudah nak terima ilmu. terang hati. insyaallah. he will do great. cuma kekadang dia susah nak kawal marah dia. mungkin kita kena sama-sama bantu dia nak kawal emosi.'
i remember asking the teacher in the next PTC and next.
the answer was still the same.
no ranking given and only positive and constructive feedbacks, akhlak diorang, cara adab diorang dengan kawan-kawan, cara adab diorang ngan cikgu.
so, i stop asking rankings and i started asking their teachers have they improved in their communication and relation with others.
from the PTC, i learned my son still having struggle focusing and yet he has improved significantly, trying to put all his strength to focus in things.
from the PTC, aivey don't have any issue with her reading and she just has to practice and practice.
the day after PTC, i received beautiful pictures from aivey's class teacher. she has told me earlier and was excited to share the moments with her students. she has prepared goodies and certificates for each students, giving specific award to each and everyone in the class.
Aivey dapat 'the most caring and sharing award'..which to me the subtle way telling mama yang anak mama ni rajin sembang ngan kekawan, niat nak sharing..hahahaha... anak ain sangat kan!
I saw pictures with the most neat student, the cleanest, the best smile and all....
it was so soothing and we were so proud of the whole year they've been putting through.
School year 2018 has its own ups and downs. 
All in all, aidan, aimar, aivey, do know we are proud of you guys!
I guess it's about time us to start considering rewarding our anak-anak. 
Kalau diorang tak score sains ke maths ke, cuba tengok subject art ke music ke PJ ke. 
They might not be born a left-brainer, but doesn't mean they are born brainless. 
Best is, reward them from having a such a beautiful heart. 
We have to stop 'tormenting'them by tormenting ourselves.
By trying to be humble and sharing the shout-outs in FB 'anak saya ni lemah bab belajar. semua tak pandai'.Mommies, that is a form of bullying! 
To you and to your own breed. 
Stop comparing your anak to others 'kenapa abang dapat no 4? kalau dapat no 3 dapat amik hadiah.'
Just congratulate them and reward them. 
No, you don't need toysrus or fancy restaurants for the reward, I'm sure an ice cream from the 7E will be appreciated when we said we are rewarding them for their effort. 
Lepas tu, boleh lah 'racun'sikit, 'tahun depan kita work extra sikit. mama yakin lah you can do better. kita belajar sama-sama, kay!'
and yes, guide them!
doa yang elok-elok. 
Kalau makcik-makcik nenek-nenek tanya peksa dapat no baper, cakap aje cikgu tak bagitau .. takde ranking. 

Sunday, November 18, 2018

You just can't deny me

Of all the people

You ought to know
It was fate that brought me to him
But it was you being the genesis of how things started
It was you, wanted to visit of the places in London
and I took the courage to call him up
and it was him who brought the two of us
All over the places you wanted to explore
And today, I wanted to know
How could you have so much hates on him
How could you not see that I love him
or the least,
How could you just not accept him the way he is?
How could you just not be happy for me?
You do not have to love him
Yet, you do not have to be rude to me
You ought to know
I cried buckets of sadness when you didn't do well in your SPM
I cried buckets of happiness when you excelled with the Deans'list scroll in your hand
I cried buckets of gloominess when you were nearly gave up for not getting the scholarship to further up your studies, following my footsteps
I cried buckets of anxiousness when you had to work part-times just to finance yourself in the UK
I cried buckets of gladness when you got the job offer from the Fortune500
I cried buckets of delightness when you were getting married
I cried buckets of gloominess when you had to remove that first baby you conceived and had to cut one of your precious tube
I cried buckets of mournfulness when you had your miscarriages again and again
I cried buckets of blessedness when you were pregnant at the same time I did
I cried buckets of blissfulness when you had your daughter two days after me
I cried buckets of easiness when you were pregnant again
I cried buckets of bleakness when you lost your son after carrying him 9 months in your tummy
and I still cried whenever I think of him cause, you ought to know, I regretted for not being able to be near you and see him in his few minutes in life.

You ought to know
I just love you
I love you with all your life, I thought
But today, I wonder if I really do
Today, when you left in hurry
Knowing I was there
Was something unbelievable, unthinkable
Yes, you can list down all the 1001 reasons for not wanting to see me
But, when you left
You just give me God's answer to my prayers
The ball is no longer in my court, and now it's yours to play
It has been a year, and that was unbearable
But I guess, after today, I'm definitely stronger than I thought I am
The buzzing and bleeding ears is nothing
to what you did when you left..
If you think you did nothing
Think again
If you can't think as much as you should
Let me put it in the simple scenario
You found a place, and you just want to be there, only to find out the place is full of shit
and so you left..
Nope, you didn't make me feel like I was the shit
But you just showed me how high above you think you are
and how low I was to you

Of all the buckets I cried for you
You ought to know
I was truthful then and I owe you nothing now
You ought to know
No matter how high the position you are in now, life is never permanent
Grow up little girl
Time is no longer in our side
As much as you think the world is in your hand
Look up
You have so many things to own up to Him
Look down
That ground that held your feet, is the same ground that held mine
Look inside
Ask yourself, does it worth it?
Does it worth it being rude to someone who cried behind that door for you just so you won't know she loves you with all her heart?
Does it worth it to run away and let go?
Does it worth it?
If it does, good for you..
You just ought to know
It's not fair to deny me of that cross I bear that you gave to me!

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

Keeping the distance

I always wanted to write something about relationship adik-beradik..
I wanted to write a long note, a book, if I should.
just to dedicate it to my beloved Aidan, Aimar, Aivey.
But, to-date, I am just not that strong big sister who had undergone 8 cycles of chemo and 33 cycles of burnt radiotherapy. I am just not that strong daughter who had undergone a drastic 20kg weight loss in 4 months, a girl who lost her taste for nearly a year, who girl who still couldn't hear as much even after 5 years and will chocked in the middle of the night because of the dryness in her throat..
I can bear all those, but I still couldn't write about what had been going on for the past 12 months between me and my siblings and cousins.
We were so closed that we've lost it in the middle of the road.
Sometimes, I took charge of all the blame.
But on the other times, I wonder, why must I?
I never put a stop in my prayers.
I believe.
Insyaallah, I have no ill-intentions, and the road we are heading is where Allah wants us to be.
Aidan is off for the school holidays two weeks earlier than the public school.
Untung budak MRSM, cuti awal.

He got more 'kasar' with his siblings.
We tried hard to warn him.
'Jaga bahasa'
'Jaga adab'
'Set your benchmark right, you are the examples to adik-adik.'
To some extend, we told him 'you are big enough what is good and what is bad. foul language is never to be use around the family. we can't stop you when you are with your friends, but you are not bring in bad adab in the house!'

Struggle sungguh bila anak ni dah besar dan besar dan besar..
I wonder if I was that difficult when I was thirteen!
I always remember how obedience I was when I was 13.
I remember the first love letter I received dari budak MBS.
Budak tu sngat tak hensem dan sangat nakal masa dalam bas.
But I guess, sebab tu bila naik bas ada je tempat kosong for me, member dah reserved awal-awal.. but I was being oblivious lah kan.
Masa dapat surat tu, terus realized this was a good opportunity for me to tell abah to allow me to take the public bus instead of the school bus... sebabnya, bas tu ada budak lelaki dok kacau!
I passed the letter to abah to read.
And I told abah, if I join the other friends naik public bus (bas mini 44, bas mini 20 or bas mini 10 and bassrijaya 17), takde budak MBS nak kacau, sebab the route memang untuk ke St Mary je.
Ntah cammana, abah bought in my idea.
Anyway, I was genuinely being obedient.
I wonder if Aivey would share her first love letter she received with me.. I will tell her to do so :)

So, back to Aidan.. dah berbulan duduk serama...
Dia jadi the ghetto boy!
Ghetto sangatlah kan... dia tak kenal hebat mama aboh dulu.. saje mama aboh takmo bukak citer!
Bahasa dia kasar..
Too harsh to be used between adik-adik.
Till one day, my husband had it enough, giving him a strict pep talk about the house rules.
Sebab dia dah besar, aboh suruh dia pikir... 'How are you going to be not harsh with adik-adik?'
His answer surprised us.

"Keep my distance. Kurangkan komunikasi"

AbgDan, masa aboh citer kat mama jawapan awak, mama nangis sebak sangat.
Dalam hati meronta-ronta meraung-raung, what is happening.

As Aboh told you, itu dah jatuh dosa!
Nabi takmo mengaku umat!!
Allahu nauzubika.

Of all, I had it bad with less communication.
Yup, perhaps, by not much communication, we don't hurt people as much and people don't hurt us much, too.
Don't ever think of that!
Not in our family!
Not us!
Of all, you've witnessed it the bad way how horrible things have been with people trying to reduce and cut the communication.
People is big enough to think and judge.
Kita doakan yang baik je.
But you, adik-adik, mama, aboh.. we are family.
Itu je yang mama ada.
Jadi, itu aje yang mama mintak.
Sampai mama mati habis hayat..
Even lepas mama mati dan habis hayat..
Berasa hati macam mana pun awak bertiga sesama sendiri, berasa hati dengan ipar biras semua..
Selesaikan cara baik.
Explain apa tak kena.
Jangan buat senyap.
Bila dah explain, kalau orang tak faham, pikirlah what's best.
Bila takde explanation, jangan main buat own assumption. You know that assume is making an ASS out of yoU and ME!
Why you need to explain, supaya kalau ada salah faham, boleh dikasi faham; supaya kalau betul berasa hati, lepas ni orang tak buat lagi (kalau tak explain orang tak tahu); supaya jagan lepas 10 tahun baru nak mengungkit...
Takdenye konsep external force...
Ingat doa mama hari-hari..
Mama mintak bukan takat anak-anak.. mama nak anak-anak dan zuriat kami jadi soleh solehah, menegakkan amar makruf nahi mungkar.
As I'm writing this, I want you, Aimar and Aivey know... galas permintaan mama aboh.
Didik lah zuriat kalian jadi soleh solehah.
Kami didik kalian menjadi soleh solehah.
Peribahasa melayu cakap, air dicencang takkan putus.
Orang melayu lupa, ais itu, air juga.. dan bila dicencang, ia mampu terputus.
Jangan kalian jadi ais, keras membeku menyejukkanna.
Jadi air yang mengalir, soothing and calming.

Ok, mama suck in Bahasa!
But what the heck.. just remember, love each other, endlessly.

Monday, November 5, 2018

Sendu sesorang

And so, here's the thing.

Tadi dalam kete, Abg was telling me, 'tadi dengar bunyi ambulance dok hon.. mesti orang tak alert!'
It has always been our concern while on the road, worrying and getting angry with those ignorance bila ada siren ambulances and fire engines.. payah betul nak respond dengan betul.
However, that was not what I wanted to write  about  tonight.
Yang nak citer sekarang ni, 'rasa' dalam jiwa yang tak tahu apa rasa.

I didn't hear the siren. Abang was telling me he was at the restaurant's counter paying for the food when he heard the honks. I was at the table, which was supposed to be nearer to the roadside instead of Abang. I couldn't hear a thing. A siren? Honks? I didn't even hear the traffic!!!

Tadi siang, tetibe my left ears (which usually is ok) was blocked like nobody's business. Blocked tak macam biasa. And my voice became hoarser. Last few months, telinga kanan ni dok kekadang filled with blood.. ntah datang dari mana, ngak tahu. Last month, suara ada hilang sekejap masa gi Ipoh... tadi kejap je lah..

Teringat masa mula-mula doktor diagnosed me with nasal cancer, NPC (sekarang dah ada Dato' Lee Chong Wei satu geng NPC). It didn't get overnight until I was told I got cancer. It was nose bleed, suara hilang and lump getting bigger and more lumps around the neck after few months. It didn't hurt. And that what made it worst.

Lepas 5 cycle of chemo and 33 cycle of radiotheraphy, after 15kg weight loss and 5 pints strangers' blood in my body, we pulled it through. Doctor kata, dalam cancer treatment, lepas dah settle semua, dah check cancer dah tak active, the patients are in the 'remission' phase. For my case, doctor kata, kalau lepas 5 thn ok je, makna takde relapse and ok lah sikit..though doctor tak guarantee it. Depa bukan Tuhan pun. It's gonna be my fifth year being diagnosed as a cancer patient this November. My first chemo was on the first week of December 2013 and completed them in April 2014. Tak tahu doctor kira 5 tahun tu dari lepas habis treatment ke, dari lepas scan bila dah habis ke (which was not immediately after the treatment) or lepas being diagnosed right away.

Tak dengar siren.

Usually, i'll get all emotional and cried over this. I'll cry all out, refused to talk to Abg or the kids, refused to say anything or respond with everything.
Hari ni, am getting that feeling.
But i cound't shed tears. Alhamdullillah.
Truth is, I miss my 'old' hearing capability.
I missed listening to things that 'normal'people would hear.
Kekadang berasa hati gak bila abg or anak-anak tanye, 'mama tak dengar eh bunyi tu?' They meant well. Not to mock, but to verify. Bila cakap tak dengar, they would describe the sound and so I can imagine how it was like.
And yes, I miss hearing and listening to things others 'should'be able to listen.
Dah 5 tahun.. and I still have faith I would recover. Kalau tak pun, pegang ayat Allah, la-yu-kal-li-ful-la-hu naf-san i-la wus-'a-ha.... Allah tahu I can withstand this test.. else, He won't be testing me with such. selama tak dengar ni, selama kita redha dan doa kat Dia, insyaallah.. Dia takkan aniaya kita..Cara indah Dia berbicara, nak hapuskan dosa-dosa yang terlalu banyak yang kita dah kumpul....

Tadi, sungguh...
jauh dalam-dalam hati ni
rindu nak dengar mcm dulu-dulu.
Kalau cancer datang balik, macam mana yek?

Tadi Abg terus shut off my conversation.. the word 'kalau' tu, Nabi SAW dah ajar dah kat kita..perkataan yang Allah tak suka, perkataan syaitan.

Tapi, dalam hati bergelodak gak nak pikir, apa jadi kalau?

Dok pikir, sanggup ke nak chemo and radio balik? Nak turun berat baper kg lagi? Kalau sekarang dah 42kg, tolak 15kg, apa yang tinggal? Air liur takde? Lidah perit? Telinga tak dengar? Muntah tak sudah?.... and the list goes on...

Anak-anak nak exam besar tahun depan.Aimar nak amik UPSR, Aidan nak amik IGCSE Checkpoint. Kalau mama sakit balik, macam mana? Boleh tak nak buat treatment bila settle anak-anak semua?

And also, masih tak tercapai lagi hajat nak gi tunaikan haji, nak duduk berwukuf masam-masam tak mandi dan menangis di arafah, berhimpit-himpit lontar batu di jamrah, bertawaf bersaie... tak puas lagi nak duduk lelama kat masjid Nabi SAW nak baca quran je sepanjang-panjang kat sana...

Yes, kita orang Islam, tak boleh dan tak patut berkalau.
Semua Allah dah tentukan.
Tak semestinya kita buat donna jer berserah... bila ada keperluan, usaha itu wajib.

Sangka baik dengan Maha Pencipta.
Settlekan lah semua hutang-hutang dengan manusia dan dengan Allah sementara ada kesempatan dan kudrat.
Jangan nak mellow tak tentu pasal.

And yes,
To those that I've hurt, please forgive me.
Please know I have so much sins hutang dekat Allah... I couldn't bear my sins to you.
Kalau betul ada dosa yang memang tak boleh dimaafi, khabarkan lah.. kita bawak bincang.
Kena lalui 2 kali chemo pun rasa macam tak mampu... mcm mana lah nak tanggung azab Allah nanti...


Moga Allah terima segala amalan kita.
Moga redha Dia dapat kita kecapi.
Sama-sama kita.


Friday, November 2, 2018

Don't be too comfortable

it's been a while since my last post.
diam tak diam, it's november dah.
next month gonna be december.
and less that we knew, next year will be this year.

there's so many things had happened despites the 'idea' that time flies.
the good, the bad, the great, the worst.

nak cerita satu-persatu, boleh buat hati robek nak nangis, nak gelak, nak happy, nak marah and all.
aidan, diam tak diam, you are going to complete your first year being a hostel boy.
and i know'you are getting used to it and you'll get used to it.
don't get too comfortable with it.

i'm the living proof of being too comfortable with being a hostel girl.
as much as i didn't really enjoy my two years studying in the up north, i started to realize how much i miss the hostel life.
i love my college life, very much, i was the lucky one who got the chance to further up my studies in an established unique international college which to me teach me about everything i need to know about the world. seems like i've travelled the world by knowing everyone in the college. as much as i miss home so much, i started to realuze how wasted my time was for not seizing every opportunity i had when i was in AC. i was the timid little lamb which in returned i failed to blend well the way i should, though i did, but not much.
i love university life. i met a lot of people from various background, various way of living, various opinion on what life is all about. i live the life and i live their life, too. i met aboh on my final year and alhamdullillah, it's gonna be our 19th year knowing each other next year. nope, i don't miss uni life. i had it bad! i such a horrible girl back in uni to some extent i don't believe i deserve to be back in UMIST.

as much as miss my life back then, i'm thankful, alhamdulillah, of where i am now.

and as i'm ranting and posting this, i realized how comfortable i have been, being away from the home.

i was away from home for long.
i was 16 when i boarded MRSM.
i was 18 when i was in UK.
i was 22 when i came back to KL and started to earn my living.
basically, the time being the 'child' in the family that i had was only from i was 1 till 15, which i didn't remember much about my toddlerhood, and so that minus 5 years.. i had only 10 years spent growing up.
as much as my dear family did put me in the loop, as i grew up, i realized, i was the 'stray one', the odd one out.
i love reading books so much that i isolated myself on most family events gathering. i was there literally, but i will soaked myself up with books, ignoring what was happening in my surroundings.
i tend to have different opinions from others, and i was not afraid to voice it out, turned out, people was not in the same opinions with me and as they were not as confronted as me they just didn't say anything. them not saying anything always made me believe that they agreed with me, which as i just realized when i'm typing this that not that they agreed with me, they just don't bother to argue with me and just want to shut me off. and what made it worst, they hold grudges. grudges that i never knew, which i could have known if they did told me upfront when they should. and you know what had happened next.

i still am looking for the answer. i still am wondering what happened? i sometime blame myself. i sometime blame them. it's not a blame game. but i wonder when will it end.

they said, mama ni tingkat tak sama ngan diorang. cuma sayangnya, even if they believe that, why couldn't we find a common ground?
they might want me to agree to disagree. at some point, i think i should. but then, i wonder, how can i disagree (or even to agree) when i didn't know the facts on what to agree or disagree on? i still couldn't understand, aidan. i still am waiting for the answer. they refuse to tell me. they don't even want to try to tell me.

and so, we are back to square one.

padan muka mama... too comfortable being away from the family, mama picked up the 'external force' (as their claims) and brought it in. cuma mama tak faham, if the force is good to me (though not to them, they think), why can't they just respect my choice? if they think they do respect my choice, why do they hold grudges?

aidan, i was being too comfortable away from the family, sampai mama tak nampak that i was a nuisance.

so, here i am, reminding you and adik-adik, don't get too comfortable being away from the family.

most of the blog i wrote here was not meant only for you. it's for aimar and aivey to read and learn too. but i'm comfortable to address it to you, because i believe being the eldest, you are going to set everything the right way for our family, when mama and abah are old and gone.

aidan, don't be too comfortable being away from home. never. no matter what, no matter how. please know, we only have each other, me, aboh, you, aimar and aivey. kita tak ramai and you knew it.
i wish i could write more and i will.
for now, i had enough tears flowing over my cheeks and i guess i should stop.
cerita ini masih tergantung.
kita doa banyak-banyak agar Allah sambungkan dengan kesudahan yang indah.

Thursday, October 18, 2018

bila tak ukur baju di badan sendiri

how others treat you can really makes the best or the worst of you!
at times me writing this, i am so blardy mad!
it is my birthday and i'm swearing.
and i'm posting this!

someone who my hubby trust and in his good friends' list really pissed me off.
udahlah utang dok bagi alasan tak bayar.
pi photoshop slip bank yang tak wujud.
bagi harapan palsu orang check kat bank duit yang dia claim dah masuk, tapi tak masuk.
yang tambah buat nak kena carut, anak 2-2 sekolah kat private international taylors college, sebab anak tak tahu cakap melayu.
padahal ckp nogori punyalah pekat!
duduk kat apartment seri maya yang dah berjuta harga tu.. apartment bukan 1.. ada 2!
bini bahagia pergi tengok konsert popstar kmariah carey, pergi jalan kat bangkok, sebab kawan-kawan semua set artis. kata nye gi konsert tiket free. mana tak free nya, semua kawan sponsor (claim laki dialah),  laki dok hutang orang keliling, lepas tu bagi semua kat bini.

ini warning mama kat anak-anak laki-laki mama..jangan jadi dayus tunduk dekat kehendak bini sampai kamu kena caci cela dengan kawan dan bini kawan kamu!

always remember!

 you are doomed!
the lowest being i've ever known.

Friday, October 12, 2018

my forever princess

it has been a while.
i've been updating my education blog site, that i've abandoned this blog.
i promised to write something about aivey, for i'm sure, of all three of my nyawa, there's a big possibility that she would appreciate this blog of mine more than her two abang.
a month ago was her 7th birthday last month. anak yang istimewa of her own.

she is so girly yet tough.
she is so manje yet independent
she is so whiny yet strong.
she is so young yet understand.
o my..
i've shared so many things about hee in the FB.
and there's so much more i didn't share about her, too.

i didn't remember much about her toddler years.
i was sick back then.
she spent lots of her time with aboh, atuk and nenek, instead.
i remember the first time i had chemo, and she was the one who fall sick, instead.
i guess the chemo med in my body was so strong that being the youngest, she got the effect easily from me...
but then, back then, i was just emotional looney.
she couldn't come near me when i was lying on the bed.
fear of her spilling the buckets of vomits next on the bed, or even scared of her touching me as i would feel pain...
sakit masa chemo tu sangat undescribable.
ada hari ok, okaylah.
ada hari nak lembik, kene sentuh sikit pun rasa macam kene cucuk!
o, the pain...

she got her hands with tools as young as two three years old.
she knew how pliers, screw drivers and hammers work.
she cleared the dustbin and sidai baju as young as three or four.
credit to aboh.

this year, she was 7.
i don't remember when, but she didn't need me anymore when she took her bath and changed her clothes.
semalam, lepas exam paper science, teacher texted me, told me she got fever.
i went to the school and fetch her.
balik rumah, i gave her a good wash...she needed it.
and i felt so emotional.
lama mama tak mandikan aivey, shampoo kan rambut aivey, lap aivey.
last week, she didn't need me to tie her hair anymore.
she could tie it herself.


dia anak yang baik.
whenever she saw my lying on my bed earlier than my bedtime, she would come to me.. offer to pijak belakang, urut badan or picit my kepala.
she knew i was sick then and need extra attention.
whenever she saw me cry after my prayers, she would just sit next to me, pat my back and said 'allah will give what you doa, mama. don't worry. allah is kind'.
she would do that!

she talks too much too. (hahaha...kene dua too to apit the word much)
last monday, i was told that she was among those who supposed to stand outside the assembly hall.. sebab cakap banyak..

she stands by herself.
being her, is never easy.
mama is very competitive.
abang-abang are doing great in their studies.
and she is still struggling in her reading.
she had improved so much as compared to the start of the year.
i remember when the school counsellor was telling me 'aivey ada mild dyslexic. akak maybe nak pergi get her diagnosed and learn how you can help her.'
of course, we never got her checked up.
we blame the gadget.
it was that evil gadget.
padan muka sapa?
padan muka mama lah.. did not put the limit on her.
bila dengar dia cakap omputeh macam dia gi sekolah internasional.. lagilah mama rasa baguslah peppa pig dalam youtube ni!
and now, i owed it to her.
takpe v, kita cuba dan cuba dan cuba..
selagi mampu.
kita usaha.
insyaallah.... you are great in what you are great in, and you will be great sebab aivey anak mama aboh, adik abgdan abgmar.

next year, aivey is gonna be 8.
it's gonna be a big celebration.
masa abgdan was 8, he celebrated it with his friends playing futsal.
masa abgmar was 8, he celebrated it with his friends playing laser tag.
so, i told her, she can start planning for her 8th birthday..
'saya nak buat dekat rumah, ada bouncy castle.'
"kalau nak buat kat rumah kita takde kawasan lah V. kita buat kat rumah atuk lah"
'kalau buat kat rumah atuk, ada ke sedara kita nak datang me?'
v, i'm leaving a blank space for the answer.

alhamdullillaj, we have all of us and that is more than enough.

Saturday, September 15, 2018

agenda syaitan

Kita yang berTuhan tapi gagal menuhankan Tuhan
Lafaz kita sekurang-kurangnya 5 kali sehari
'inna solati wanusuki wamahyaya wamamati lillahi rabbi alameen'
sesungguhnya, solatku, dan ibadahku, dan hidupku, dan matiku hanyalah kerana Allah, Tuhan sekalian alam.
and yet...cuba kita bukak app FB dalam fon tu.
scroll satu-satu dari atas ke bawah..
nak lagi paham.. baca headline tekan butang share.
nak sedap rasa, baca komen.
dah baca komen, cuba jadi tukang butang like thumbs up or emoticon mulut ternganga or nangis or marah.
kalau masih tak puas, type reply comment.
hebat betul kita!
and i'm talking to myself!!!

i've 'wasted' my morning in such ways!
i scrolled down all the sharing.
even if i didn't make remarks officially, i comment, i like dislike cry stunt angry and i share within myself!
semalam, abang syare taddabur surah al ísra he read and he cried.

Dan (ingatlah), tatkala Kami berfirman kepada para malaikat: "Sujudlah kamu semua kepada Adam", lalu mereka sujud kecuali iblis. Dia berkata: "Apakah aku akan sujud kepada orang yang Engkau ciptakan dari tanah?" (17:61)
Dia (iblis) berkata: "Terangkanlah kepadaku inikah orangnya yang Engkau muliakan atas diriku? Sesungguhnya jika Engkau memberi tangguh kepadaku sampai hari kiamat, niscaya benar-benar akan aku sesatkan keturunannya, kecuali sebahagian kecil". (17:62)
Tuhan berfirman: "Pergilah, barangsiapa di antara mereka yang mengikuti kamu, maka sesungguhnya neraka Jahannam adalah balasanmu semua, sebagai suatu pembalasan yang cukup. (17:63)
Dan hasunglah siapa yang kamu sanggupi di antara mereka dengan ajakanmu, dan kerahkanlah terhadap mereka pasukan berkuda dan pasukanmu yang berjalan kaki dan berserikatlah dengan mereka pada harta dan anak-anak dan beri janjilah mereka. Dan tidak ada yang dijanjikan oleh syaitan kepada mereka melainkan tipuan belaka. (17:64)
Sesungguhnya hamba-hamba-Ku, kamu tidak dapat berkuasa atas mereka. Dan cukuplah Tuhan-mu sebagai Penjaga".(17:65)

Nampak tak?
Ayat 61 - perangai setan...yang suruh bersujud tu sapa? Tuhan Allah kan? tengok cara tanya dia... sujud? yang Kau cipta dari tanah?... soalan pun dah mengundang!
Ayat 62 - jahat2 si syaitan ni, dia masih guna ayat 'sesungguhnya JIKA Engkau..' .. kita ni? bila nak buat apa2, nak cakap apa2, nak emo mana2, nak tuduh ikut suka.... ada ke mintak izin Big Boss kita? Boss yang bagi kita free-free oksigen masuk dalam peparu kita, pastu hembus keluar karbon dioksida.. ada kita tanya, boleh ke kalau ...
Ayat 63 - mana-mana makhluk minta, Allah bagi. tapi, yang Allah bagi, comes with valid disclaimer.
Ayat 64 - Allah siap bagi tips kat syaitan.. join forces, tabur janji manis. Dan Allah juga bagitau kat kita, janji syaitan is nothing but lies.
Ayat 65 - wa kafa birabbika wakila - Dan cukuplah Tuhanmy sebagai Penjaga.
Ini bukan tafsir ahli ye.. this is my takeaways, lepas dengar abang's takeaways and lepas baca terjermahan. This is my own tadabbur and reflection.
It's just worrying.
Hari ni, orang share kat Whatsapp, a screenshot yang golongan LBGT, Pelacur, Kahwin ngan non-muslim and all boleh dapat zakat.
Seperti biasa, printscreen takde explanation.
Hoping semua orang boleh paham...
Hoping semua orang tolong risau atas kehancuran yang kita cuba bina.
hari ni, i learned one new thing.

tapi, hari ni, i learned one new word - ar riqab.
Allah kasik tergerak hati, go google fatwa zakat ar riqab ni and all..
i don't have to conclude and explain what is what.
tapi, to get a better understanding, i was happy to know.
tapi, bila baca komen manusia satu-persatu, worries me.
semata-mata kerana gambar skrin berita di TV3 yang lain dipaparkan, lain disebut dan lain dimaksudkan.
semua bercelaru.
semua disalahtafsir.

kita ni, dah banyak sangat ke amal pahala?
kita ni, dah kuat sangat ke nak tahan azab Allah tu?

Taubat lah kita.

Monday, September 3, 2018

menulis takde arah

i'm writing
as usual, bila mood menulis ni datang, selalunya sebab terlalu happy atau terlalu marah atau terlalu bahagia atau terlalu sedih.
the keyword is "terlalu"

and this 'terlalu' feelings will just dwell and linger around your actions, words, thinkings and all..
sampai 'terlalu'amat sangat rasa the need of doing something to let it go..
and, i usually resort for blogging.
tapi, being me,
bila dah terlalu ni
memacam pikir
bahasa tunggang-langgang
lepas tu rasa mcm tak best
lepas tu stop kejap
lepas tu terus stop

so, dah boleh paham tak tonation blog ni?
apa yang terlalu sangat?

terlalu tak faham
that's it!
tak tahu tak faham diri ke
tak faham orang ke
tak faham keadaan ke
terlalu tak faham!!!
so, let's just talk about random stuff!
let's talk about silaturrahim.
what about it?
yang pastinya, tak bau syurga orang yang putuskan silaturrahim.
allahu nauzubillah.
ya allah, we seek refuge from not being able to be one of the jannah community, ya allah.
jangan jadikan kami orang yang rugi.
jangan ya allah.

lama fikir.
am i cutting ties?
is it good?
we are so much aware, kalau the ties tu memang tak healthy, we should cut our ties.
onlyafter we've tried and tried and tried and tried.
the least i did, i tried.
and i prayed.
bila bangun tiap malam
bila habis tiap solat
bila tamat azan nak tunggu qomat
bila turun hujan, di hujang asar petang jumaat, di waktu musafir, di dalam puasa..
semua lah... time-time waktu mustajab berdoa, i will sure grab the opportunity
ýa allah, jangan jadikan aku hambaMu yang memutuskan silaturrahim dan ampun kan semua dosa kami suami isteri, doa anak-anak2 kami, dosa mak ayah kami dan dosa orang-orang yang kami sakiti'
yes, as much i want syurga Allah, i am more scared of azab neraka.
mampu ke kita??
mampu ke kita bila semua penduduk syuga menerima salam dari Ya Rabb, salamun qaulam mir robbi rohim, dan kita nak jumpa Allah dari jauh pun tak berkesempatan sebab dimurkaiNya.
Robbana faghfirlana zunubana
Aku tak mampu
Aku tak tahu kalau kamu mampu.
It's not about ego.
It's not about siapa betul siapa salah
It's not about level atas level bawah
It's about not being the khosyirun..
Kenapa berkalakuan seperti orang yang rugi?
Baca al-kahf, ayat-ayat penhujung surah, Allah ada berfirman, dan

Say, [O Muhammad], "Shall we [believers] inform you of the greatest losers as to [their] deeds? (18:103)

[They are] those whose effort is lost in worldly life, while they think that they are doin)well in work." (18:104)

Kenapa yakin kita menyangka apa yang kita buat atas dunia ni memang dah betul, dah sohih, dah siap amal ke syurga?

Kalau kita tak claim macam tu, kenapa perwatakan macam kita ahli syurga?

Yakin kita buat semua lillahitaala
Orang tu yang lupa daratan
Orang tu yang tak ingat jasa kita
Orang tu yang padam kenangan
Orang tu yang tak jaga keluarga

Apa yang lillahitaalanya, kalau dengan orang itu pun kita tak boleh nak ikhlas se ikhlasnya.
Benci kita kat orang tu, kita simpan dendam 10 tahun, lepas tu kita bukak semua cerita, mengharapkan orang itu memohon maaf...
Manusia mana yang akan mohon maaf kalau dia tak faham apa salah dosa dia?
Taubat - mampu ke kita menangis bersungguh memohon ampun dari Tuhan semata-mata kita ni berdosa...
Macam mana kita berdosa?
Sebab Allah bagitau direct dalam mimpi 'wahai manusia, kau pendosa?'
Tak! bukan camtu! Sebab Allah cuit hati sikit, kita tetiba teringat, Ya Allah banyaknya dosa aku.. dan Allah tak puas-puas bagi nikmat kat aku .. dan masih aku menderhaka!


kalau kau yakin kau buat semua lillahitaala
Kau tak mengungkit apa orang buat kat ko
Itu pun, sebab kau rasa apa orang buat kat ko
Pernah tak kau rasa apa kau buat kat orang?

Aku? Aku buat apa?
Allah masih bagi aku rezeki yang'berkat'(fikir kau)
Allah masih kasi pangkat dan darjat
Zuriat? Aku mencuba tapi belum rezeki Allah nak bagi, bukan sebab aku berdosa, sebab aku ni hambaNya yang dilindung.
Jodoh? Belum ada jodoh aku... buat apa berjodoh kalau semua jantan tak guna..
Itu kata kau, dengan gah
Maaf, aku pastinya menulis terus dari perasaan.
Tapi aku akui, itu perasaan jahat syaitan mencuba sedaya upaya.
Lama aku simpan
Terlalu lama.
Hari ni, aku rabak.
Aku geram
Aku marah..
Dalam-dalam aku cuba berkias.
Aku gagal.
Aku cuba
Menang dekat amarah ku.
Hari ni, kala ni, senja ni,
Aku kalah
Terlalu lama, manusia!
Terlalu lama!

Jangan ungkit kenangan lama
Jangan mula cerita baru
Kalian tak perlu memaafkan kami
Tapi jangan tuduh membuta-tuli!
Hari ni,
bila darah tertitip bersama dengan cecair yang keluar dari telinga ini
yang aku butuhkan hanya redha Ilahi.
aku pohon
aku rayu
aku tunduk

Aku nak masuk syurga
Aku nak lepas siksa kubur
Aku tak mahu diazabi
Aku nak masuk syurga, terus tanpa dihisab
Aku nak terus jumpa Rasululllah SAW
Aku tak nak berdosa dengan manusia
Aku cuba!
Kita bukan keturunan mulia
Tapi tak berdosa kalau kita nak zuriat kita zuriat mulia
Kita tak boleh terus-terusan berdosa
Kita kata kita ikut dah semua yang Allah suruh
Tak perlu bangun bertahjud,
Tengok cermin!
Kita dok cakap
'hidayah milik Allah'
'hidayah tak datang-datang'
hebat sangat kita, lagi hebat taraf anbiya..
memang kita rasa hidayah tu akan datang tiba-tiba ye?
ada pernah kita meminta mencari?
Aku bukan isteri solehah
Aku bukan anak yang baik
Aku bukan kakak termulia
Tapi, aku mencuba nak menjadi hambaNya...
yang aku perlu redhaNya
aku nakkan syafaat Nabi SAW,
Basic Islam 101

Kenapa kena tutup aurat?
Sebab nak mengelak maksiat?

Kenapa tak boleh makan babi?
Sebab babi memang tak sihat?

The ultimate answer 'SEBAB ALLAH SURUH'
Nabi SAW pesan, kalau nak masuk syurga, mana-mana pintu
Kau tau tak 'mudahnya'jadi wanita?
ALLAH SURUH  solat, puasa, taat SUAMI, pertahankan maruah.
Untungkan kita, pompuan?
Tapi, Nabi SAW pun ada cerita, yang banyak masuk neraka pun wanita gak.
Korang tak takut ke?
Korang memang rasa harta-harta dunia yang korang mampu hari ni, memang boleh tolong jadi bomba untuk korang lawan api neraka ke?

Aku cakap benda random!
Bukan kasik ingat untuk korang
Kasik ingat untuk aku
Kasik ingat untuk anak-anak
Cuma aku mintak sesangat, mintak dari korang yang membaca, yang boleh tahu aku tulis untuk sapa, tolong pesan sesama kita..
Tolong berhentilah berfikir aku ni jahat, anak-anak aku tak kenang budi
Aku tak kata aku baik
Aku tahu aku jahat
Dan itu lah yang buat aku benci kat diri aku
Tapi, kita semua tahu
Allah itu Maha Penyayang
Mana mungkin kita benci kat kita kalau Dia sayang kat kita?
selisih faham ni, mungkin satu hari aku padam
mungkin langsung tidak
kita doa yang baik-baik
kita sama-sama nak masuk syurga
aku tak mampu tanggung azab allah,
kalau tak boleh nak baik macam 40 thn dulu pun,
berhentilah berasa diri kalian mulia
kalau betul pun kalian mulia

cuma mungkin harus aku kongsikan
semalam, aku kutuk insan itu, hari ni, insan aku yang menjawab salam teks aku
semalam, aku marah si polan, hari ni, si polan lah yang mendoakan aku
semalam, aku cai keji perempuan itu, hari ni, perempuan itu yang menenangkan

dunia ibarat roda
kalau korang tak nampak, rugilah
aku bukan saja nampak, aku rasa
dan aku tak mahu lagi buat benda-benda yang aku tak mahu rasa sakitnya

again, buat orang-orang yang aku sakiti, aku pohon Allah ampunkan dosa kalian
sebab, aku cuba memohon maaf, kalian mungkin terlalu mulia untuk memaafkan

itu dosa aku ngan kalian
dosa kalian dengan orang?
aku bukan Tuhan

aku, yang banyak berdosa dengan Tuhan dan dengan orang

Thursday, August 30, 2018

belated fourteenth

dang! the date was supposed to be 20.8.18, and somehow, it is 30.8.18 today.
yup, it's true, we do become more complacent as time passes by.
yup, it's true, despite the fact we knew we should not.

so, it was our fourteenth anniversary last 20th.
cerita yang sama, tapi tak pernah tak indah.

nope, we didn't forget the date
nope, we didn't missed it
and we truly acknowledged the day.
i, specifically, told abang, "let me skinned all the prawns in your kuew tiaw as an anniversary gift from me to you."
i sound cheap though i'm expensive.
and i did skinned his prawn more often and not just annually.

but i guess, before august 2018 leaves us for good, i just think i should jot a note, for remembrance.

so,   it is true that after ten years and above you seems to lost interest with each other, isn't it?
it is true that after ten years of marriage you seems to be complacent and take each other for granted, isn't it?

i don't know.
nope, i do know.
and no doubt, that's not true!
it may seems like we do, but, honestly, i didn't feel that.
should there be any feelings i entitled to feel, it would be everything but feeling being complacent or being taken for granted, or losing interest on him or him losing interest on me.
in fact, if ever, we are more matured, definitely in our relationship!

we are madly deeply ever than we ever thought we could!
we wanted to kill each other when we had our disagreements, just to know that feelings is mutual and for the other party not being able to kill the opposing party, that is love, stronger than the hate!
we wanted to yell at each other, spread all the bad words we can think of, and show that finger trademark pissed off sign... only to notice, it was not just us in the house, but the kids were around, even if it's not nearby.
we wanted to compute how could each other think differently and way too contrary and yet we realized, that the differences that made us fall in love two decades ago!

fact is, 
as much as the general view about losing the sparks and so forth, those are all myths.
it just, the love language used might be tuned differently
the 'i love you' might sound fake (so, what did you do? or unless you were having THAT moment), but we knew how genuinely sweet the
'nah, abg beli kit kat utk manje masa bayar kat mesra tadi',
'gi la tido dulu, abg check anak2 jap gi',
'abg buat laundry tadi, tengah spin',
'abg dah do the dishes',
'abg top up touch n go manje dah',
'makan mana mlm ni?',
'lain kali nak masak gi tau, tak yah masak pun',
'ikut suka manjelah'...
and all those "complacent"sentences are what you need after all this time.

i am truly blessed.
and yes,
abang, manje love you!
happy 14th anniversary bang.

tahun ni punya annivesary nak share lagu baru launch this week..
cantik je timing
perfect lyrics

Mr Ragaman (Faizal Tahir)

Mr Ragaman
are you home?
who's Mr. Ragaman?
Mr. Ragaman i brought my sister with me
can you tell us a stry please?

hari isnin kau berkata nak makan lasagna
dah sampai kedai nak tomyam pula
oh my god...
petang rabu nak cendol pula
biar betik...
nasiblah baik mood aku baik

puasa baru nak mula
dah mintak langsir macam nak raya
ragamanmu hanya aku yang tahu

hanya kita berdua kekal sampai tua
bagai bulan dipagara bintang
tetapkan bersama

hanya kita berdua kekal bahagia
walau gila dibuatnya
aku sayang padanya

dah berkali-kali kau buat lagi
tolong! tolong!
hanya kita berdua

dah berkali-kali kau buat lagi
tolong! tolong!
hanya kita berdua

makan malam sudah dihidang
kau masih melaram
time tengok bola kau ajak keluar

Ya Allah...
masuk kereta baru gear dua
kau nak balik
nasiblah baik muka kau cantik

bulan puasa baru nak mula
dah mintak langsir macam nak raya
ragamanmu hanya aku yang tahu

hanya kita berdua kekal sampai tua
bagai bulan dipagara bintang
tetapkan bersama

hanya kita berdua kekal bahagia
walau gila dibuatnya
aku sayang padanya

dah berkali-kali kau buat lagi
tolong! tolong!
hanya kita berdua

dah berkali-kali kau buat lagi
tolong! tolong!
hanya kita berdua

hanya kita berdua
sampai hari tua
bagai bulan dipagara bintang
tetapkan bersama

hanya kita berdua
kekal bahagia
walau gila dibuatnya
aku sayang padanya...

walau gila dibuatnya
aku sayang padanya

walau gila dibuatnya...
aku sayang padanya...

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Jam Montblanc

Hati sangat tak tenang.
Geram dan marah.
As human, memang kita tahu the feelings is nothing unusual...
Cuma rasa macam kena gak post the story hear...
Nak kasi lepas semua marah
Nak kasi ingat..
Though, no doubt, the best is definitely back to The One...
I still need to vent this out!
Í frankly don't know where should I start. 
I am mad a my hubby's friend. 
In times of he is fully aware of our current situation, he still couldn't fulfill what he has promised us, in fact, he topped things up with excuses, lies and b**ls***s.

where do I begin?
citernya mula back in 2015. 
diorang ni dah kawan way back in 2001. 
sama-sama induction masa masuk kerja dulu, and currently he is still with the same company. 
three years ago, dia mintak tolong from my dear husband.. nak pinjam cash.
not tens or hundreds. not thousands neither. 
he was asking for RM15k.
panjang lah drama dia mintak simpati merayu masa tu. 
ada masalah keluarga kena cash instantly... bla bla bla...
encik abang sayang ni pulak, memang jenis percaya kawan, dan kebetulan he happened to have some cash yang disimpan for the rainy days. 
genuinely wanted to help his friend, he transferred the cash instantly, with no guarantee whatsoever. 

this friend of him, lepas annual increment, lepas bonuses after bonuses, lepas claims after claims.. never bother to even talk about the money he owed.
jangan cakap nak mintak maap sebab tak bayar lagi ke apa ke (ok, the first year adalah dia buat citer sedih kekonon kena khianat dapat rating 3L takde bonus)... tapi whenever gaji masuk je, dia buat bodo..krik..krik...krik...

this guy (will stop calling him my husband's friend after this), hidup sangat mewah!
masa attached oversea, memang sakan lah gi europe sokmo. 
bila cable nak stay over sea dah takde, kena deport balik, keje kat mesia. 
rumah duplex kat kondo meeah di Setiawangsa ... ye... yang dah makan harga juta-juta dah value. 
bini tak keje, tapi hebat sangat .. tak main lah micheal memang dah set LV, gucci, birkin and not surprising kalau dia ada bijan gak. 
i remembered she once shared the news that she bought a plain silver sterling bulgary ring cost tens of thousands back then. 
anak 2 orang, kekonon tak boleh cakap melayu, kene gi sekolah international cakap omputeh. 
and he is now a senior manager!
kau nak tau baper gaji diorang ni? 
as much as I could remember, kalau level manager yang bukan non-technical pun dah boleh cecah RM15k per month...
so, can you imagine his gaji?

ok, here's the deal. 
kami tak pernah heran on his lifestyle.
rezeki orang
kemampuan orang
kehendak orang.
cuma yang buat saya sangat-sangat marah bila dia 'menganjingkan' kami. 

my husband asked for the money he owed my husband. 
tapi, as usual, asal cukup bulan, banyak sangat alasan. 
suami ku pulak, sangat-sangat lah berhemah dan berhati baik.. 
yang jadi naik angin ni is the lady in the house la kan. 
to some extent, i just have to intervene. 
sebab when my husband asked for his money, mamat ni boleh masukkan RM100 je in lieu of RM15k debt!!
tak ke kurang ajar?
with his never change lifestyle. 
bawak merc
anak 2 orang gi international school yang sorang bayar ada dalam RM3k (kot) per month
duduk rumah juta-juta
tak ke menganjing namanye bila he only deposited RM100 in my hubby's bank?

i am so impressed with tahap kesabaran encik suami. 
even with such treatment, tak satu pun carutan keluar dari mulut dia. 
siap boleh explain,"Abang boleh empathy with him. Dia memang ada issue nak manage duit dia. That's his struggle. Orang lain-lain struggle.. dia struggle ngan duit. abang struggle ngan masa. so, Abang boleh paham"

gosh! saya sangat cemburu dengan my husband's ability to husnuzon all the time!
that is his speciality. 
orang kata apa, orang buat apa, 
he can always reasoned the good things so that now bad conclusion was made based on assumption!

so, back to this guy, i texted him last month.
i had enough. 
i asked him to pay by installment bila masuk gaji.
i told him he was lucky enough sebab kalau bank, memang dah kena bayar bunga kaw-kaw, kalau ah-long dah kena besi panas dah kaki tangan dia!

last month, dia masuk tak cukup RM5k as promised. 
mcm2 alasan, but I am not dealing with any excuses. 
orang macam dia ni, dah tak boleh bagi muka dah. 

this month, masih nak kena carut ngan bini suami saya!
stress oo deal ngan orang macam ni. 
he print-screened and sent to my hubby two payments.
dia buat 2 transactions, tapi berturut-turut in few minutes. 
at least itu yang print screen dia bagi. 
katanya masuk last wednesday. 
checked on the atm semalam, memang tunggu kena sumpah lah mamat bohjan sorang ni!
nak dipendekkan citer, masa hantar aivey gi kumon, i bumped into him. 
masih mampu hantar 2 orang anak dia yang tak tahu cakap melayu tu ke kumon!!!!
patutkan nak hangin???
kalau kau sengkek sangat, you know what you should do. 
umur dah 40 tahun, tak perlu diajar lagi apa yang patut dibuat!
memang kene çarut lah ngan perempuan sorang ni. 
i can't compute how he thinks. 
so, he gave me reasons and reasons. 
he said he'll be in touch with the bank and he'll make sure the money will go through!

how can i be sure?
that's the reason i wrote this post. 
a warning to him that i do stick to my words. 
i knew that he fabricated the print-screen... apa punye bengong lah mamat ni.. dia ingat kitorang ni umur baper tahun yang nak main scam-scam edit2 gambar ni? 
tuan, saya mungkin tak amik port bende2, tapi saya tak bodoh dan saya juga ada RHB account. 
tell me up front if i am wrong in accusing that kau fabricate print screen payment tu?
kot ye pun nak menipu, cuba jangan nampak sangat kebodohan kau.
so, here's my rant. 
kalau hutang tak settle, 
i can write more, with updates on your real names, whatsapp conversation back from 
 and so forth. 
i can share in public, or best still, i can just sent the email to PETRONAS server... to all the contacts yang I have and be it. 
i can go to KLCC, request to see your boss or even your boss's boss and spilled the bean. 
i can report and file for fraudster. 
apa-apa pun, i have options but stay silent!

so, citer sedih ko semalam, ko dah pajakkan jam montblanc kau?
listen, bro.. 
if this is out in the open, you need to pajak all you got, sebab masalah kau bukan ngan aku sorang!
cuba ingat orang tua-tua cakap 'ukur baju di badan sendiri'... 
kau nak susah sorang, nasib kau..
kau nak susah kan orang, kena tengok sapa orang tu..
kau nak susahkan orang sebab kau nak senang, itu memang bunuh diri,mintaknya.

ok, not healthy, 
mama sudah pissed