bila keadaan memaksa

Dear Human Resource of a Prestigious Multinational  Oil Company of Malaysia, 

I am writing this on my fourth anniversary of me working with this company that I once adore so much. Sadly, the tone of my writing won't be as excited as I was four years ago. In fact, thinking of what was in my head and my heart, I've cried a river...

I've submitted my resignation two weeks ago.
The reason was straight-forward -. NO EMPATHY from the so-called "HUMAN" Resource Dept.

As I was made known that in any big organization company, an exit interview should be done prior to any departure of any staff, I am so looking forward for the session. However, just 'in case' the 'time' and opportunity is not there for my exit interview, I'm summarizing everything all at once in this posting. 

I'll try to'behave' in my writing, I'll try to 'understand' the overall picture but I can't promise that I won't be 'bias' in my own opinion and thoughts. I have no intention to compete with the infamous farewell letter by Mr Rafizi, though I really wish I could have such a good structured writing skill like his. I have no intention to join the politics should anyone would ask "what will you do after Petronas?"

so.. here's the deal..

i want to be part of PETRONAS
When I've completed my BEng (Hons) in Communication and Control from UMIST, Manchester, UK (which was listed as top 5 engineering school in 1998) I always wanted to join PETRONAS. Being a MARA scholar and was in UK right after the SPM, we (the MARA and JPA scholares) were normally a 'second' class rated scholars as our monthly allowance was not as lavish as the PETRONAS, SHELL, Bank Negara scholars. We shopped at the OXFAM while PETRONAS scholar can afford the New Look. I envied them, and I always wanted to join PETRONAS. The student body took care of their students well-being. I didn't managed to get hired by PETRONAS once I've graduted though I've been sending my resume every six-monthly. Somehow, I ended up marrying my PETRONAS-scholar boyfriend who was assigned to PMO, PCSB. 

My hubby, always a smart genius. At least, in my opinion. Though he's too 'mobile' as his manager would put it, he scored well during his PPA. He managed to secure handsome bonus every year. Being as one of the top rated, high-flyer, and even in the HPS list, he was rewarded very well, just as much as the company valued him. On the other hand, him being bonded with PETRONAS would mean I won't got a secure direct employment job offer from PETRONAS. 

And there was my younger sister, getting an offer as a HR executive with PETRONAS. Her stories was like a fairy tale. She went for a lecturer post interview, just to get slammed down by the interviewer due to her too specific degree course. Of course, she was bold enough to 'slammed' back the interviewers by giving them her own piece of mind. She impressed the PETRONAS interviewer who happened to be one of the panel. She was offered a job way before her graduation day. She was a hardworking girl, trust me, she's a sad workaholic if i have to label her. But a person with such high commitment and full of integrity, being a HR exec in PETRONAS is never and easy task for her. Typical 'orang kita', she was harassed for recommendations, begged for sympathies and threw at with vulgar words when she 'couldn't' help anyone being employed by PETRONAS. As if she owned the company. What i'm trying to tell is that, she couldn't be bother to 'sell' my resume to any of the PETRONAS management, just because... but of course, I envy her. She excelled with flying colours in what she was assigned to. Her higher management speaks highly of her.  

PETRONAS rewarded good people like my husband and my sister very well. yes, they rewarded others as well, but if you are excellence, the rewards were awesome! This is how they value their staff. 

my creditiantals

My first job experience was with a local company, which happened to be able to secure few jobs with the Iraqis under the UN sanctioned program. I was a fresh, young, lady engineer  involved with multi millions control system contract in Iraq. The company trusted the team and I so much and sent us off to Baghdad despite the challenges. It was surely a lifetime experience that no one could ever pay me with money. It was great. 

Somehow, being the ambitious me, despite of the great Iraqi experience, I took up the Western Digital product engineer. Just because, this are a MNC which just be awarded best employer of the year at that time. It was impressive to deal directly with the westerners after my middle-east experience. But, it didn't last long. I need to be in the oil & gas industry again. 

I got a great offer with one of the local contractor that was a joint-venture MNC based in US. I smoothly impressed the Greek-born VP and was handed the offer letter right after my interview. The company treated me well. It sharpened my technical knowledge with complete training, it challenged my leadership skill, it exposed me on how PETRONAS engineers really work (and nope, i'm not going to start on that..) I was satisfied with the company, despite the less than 3% yearly increment. Still, as my husband left PETRONAS, I saw my long buried ambition was re-lightened.

the opportunity not to be missed
I submitted my resume online. yup, i did ask my sister for a favour, but all she did was telling me we've received your resume. I was called for a chit-chat session which then led to the interview. Alhamdullillah, rezeki Allah tentukan, I was offered a post with SCM PCSB. Despite the reduced benefits, i was still thankful. Frankly, my husband hesitated. He was quite skeptical of letting his outspoken wife to be working in PETRONAS, especially the idea of me working in KLCC. But, he knew it has always been my dream, and that was the sacrifice he made for his love. My close friends doubted me. They said i won't be able to adapt with PETRONAS environment and culture. Somehow, the ambitious me who been wanting to be part of PETRONAS family was too strong in my veins, i put full confidence and took up the job offer. 

My first ten-month of working in PETRONAS was not something I was proud of. Asked my friends, I kept complaining.. not because of the high workload, but I felt my integrity was being put in jeopardy. My superior 'refused' to load me work, and I felt like I was overpaid and underworked. And as the department reshuffled, I was blessed for been given such opportunities to shine. I've gone through 2 PPA sessions,and I excelled in it. Being rated 2 in two consecutive years, it is something that I could bragged about. My management, up to my General Manager recognized my work. As a service provider, I believed I've done well and my users prefer to work with me for the next project though my superior had to reject the request as I was tied up with other assignments. I love my job. 

and i fell sick
And wham bam! I was diagnosed with Nasal Cancer Stage 3 in Nov 2013. I was needed to be put in the treatment right away. I told my superior and my management were made aware of my condition at that time. it has always about work when it come to my colleague, but i heard they initiated a solat hajat for the whole department, just to send prayers for my well-being, i shed tears.. never have i imagined i was so close to their hearts. with my loud voice, i always thought they won't bother about this girl who talked whatever she likes. but i was wrong. they proved me wrong. my Senior Manager cried when she met my sister asking my well-being back then. 

I've went through three chemo cycle in December. one cycle would take up three weeks. and after completed the chemo, I was put through a daily-thirty-three session of radiotheraphy. It wasn't an interesting experience to share. Even at the times of writing this, the side effects still around, and I was constantly reminded of the worst anyone could ever gone through. I shut everybody off during the treatment. I didn't accept any visitor as I couldn't be the cheerful me that they used to know. In june, I went through the MRI, and my oncologist told us there's no more active cancer cell behind my nose. alhamdullillah. we've fought the battle and won. 

I decided to come back to the office after raya, that was the first week in August. 

So what's missing here... the PROCEDURE and Company Policy. Yes, I was well aware with policies and procedures.. especially working with SCM, i respected policies, procedures and contractual agreements. something that i've learned, and upheld strongly. 

so here's the missing link..

such a commotion

i was sick since Dec, and shut everybody off even my sister during my weakest darkest life experience. it was only three months after that i talked about worked with my sister. i told her, please checked on things i need to submit to the HR as I've waaay past my MCs allocation. The HR Manager, Pn Fatimah, wrote an email to my manager, informing that she just got to know my condition and the email dated March 5th. Yup, there was a missing link when my manager didn't advised the HR accordingly right after. He was newly appointed, and if only other to be blame, being lack of experience would definitely be his defense. Shouldn't the HR briefed him well enough on his roles and responsibilities?  Anyhow, as I was requested for a medical report from my oncology for the HR to proceed with relevance leave documentations, my sister could only managed to to forward the medical report on April 22nd. My bad for being sick, it did take more than a month for me to get the document prepared and submitted to HR accordingly. 

The email chain stopped since then, and my sister wrote to the executive in-charge, Miss Siti Nadhirah, to pick-up the updates on June 26th, wanted to know my 'prolonged' illness status that we were under the impression the HR has been working on as there were no communication after April 23rd. A reply from Nadhirah came on June 28th., telling my sister in the email (which I was not in the loop) the followings:

i. HR is currently deliberating based on the report submitted and engaging the Internal Health Advisor (IHA). At that moment, HR are not able to advise any status yet for the way forward

ii. (Due to my scheme B insurance plan, my insurance benefit reached its limit and kindly HR is considering to increase the limit) HR requested the rejected medical billings to be submitted for their further perusal. 

iii. HR advised me to take up MCs eventhough I insisted to start work in July (blimey!), and HR will follow up with the IHA and expedite the matter in order to see whether I is fit to work immediately. 

On July 1st, Nadhirah wrote back to my sister (who is by the way not the same entity of my Operation Unit),stated that HR has submitted the medical report to IHA, but still not getting any feedback from them. HR advised myself to take up MCs as my sister's observation that I was still weak. HR requested me to submit MCs which I got a little confused in this request. Was the expectation is for me to get the MCs for every single day throughout my treatment? Aren't the medical reports stated is sufficient enough that I was having a treatment and won't be fit to work at that time? The HR also informed my sister that the rejected medical claims by the insurance were on their level 26 and will search and assist accordingly. 

  

Nadhirah, the executive in-charge, finally managed to get hold of  the patient's number (which I don't understand why couldn't they checked in the system) for her sister and called me on July 1st. She told me it was a courtesy call, and HR would like to make a courtesy visit if it was okay with me. well, can i deny such a courteous gesture? of course not. i text her my address, and i remember texting her correctly i.e. i leave in Ampang, Selangor and not Ampang, Sarawak. anyway, the text was left unreplied, and the visit was never in the picture. how silly of me to think that any HR officers would care about a cancer patient? I didn't even get a bouquet of flowers when i was warded.. my good must be not good enough to the organization that even the Human Resource doesn't care about me. 

Anyhow, on July 13th, Nadhirah wrote to my sister informing that the IHA was outstation for 2 weeks. Nadhirah requested MCs from me for their next course of action (and as-to-date, I still wonder what sort of MCs she was expecting for.. the MCs for a GP? my oncologist letter is insufficient?) She also informed that she has received the rejected AIA claims to be forwarded for the Management's consideration (on the request to increase the burst limit). 

I came to the office after the long raya holidays. Truth was, I wasn't very well, but waiting for the IHA to set a meet-up date with me was like forever. Furthermore, I'm sure all Nadhirah would advised was for me to go and get MCs, again and again. She might not know, I was not an MC person. I would prefer to take EL if I were down with migraine, and sleep whole through day and back on my feet the day after. Even I was dead sick, and the GP was not giving me the MC without me asking, i would make time to go to the office. and so, I came to the office, reported to my manager, after nearly eight month of not working. finally, it's not really the work, but as the company never fail to pay my monthly salary, how could i just sit at home and take up the payment for not doing anything. yes, my physical strength are surely limited, but, doing some reporting, analysis, readings and few documentations might help my brain to start exercising. 

the first thing i did was called Nadhirah up. She shut me off. She said she's bit tied up on that day, and let's make up on Friday for brief chat. and how silly was i, of course i have to go to their floor rather than them visiting the 52nd floor of the same tower. The Friday chit chat was never been materialized. Nadhirah never returned my call. I was informed that she was busy with Malam Sekalung Budi. Poor girl, for an executive (E1, perhaps), she was tied up with sooo many responsibilities. so i fully understood how busy her manager would be as I never heard from this famous Pn Fatimah. 

I finally wrote an email to my HR on Sept 2nd, requesting a session to meet up with them and my manager was also asking the same. Nadhirah did not reply, but Fatimah replied on Sept 4th, requesting to meet up at their level (level 26) of the same day. My manager and I came down to 26th floor and were caught by a surprise as the brief chit chat happened to be formal discussion in the Senior Manager's office, Pn Farizun. That should be better. The senior management concerned. 

As I was greeted, the first few words I heard from her was "your case were brought to our attention quite late, it was like two months ago...".. and there goes my expectation to understand the company's requirements, policies and everything went ka-ba-boom!!! yes, called me not professional and was way too driven by emotion, but a senior manager of an HR department of a prestigious company, a Fortune500 listed company speak her mind loudly and in the open to a senior executive, who thought she did well in her job all these while and were always given a handsome bonus every time the PPA result were concluded, who just came to work to the office after her long medical critical illness treatment, who was diagnosed as a nasal cancer stage 3 person and will always need to tick the cancer box in m on any of the past health history screening form, a person who felt obligated to go to work because she received monthly payments despite she was away for medical treatment, an employee who has limited benefit and yet her husband paid for the medical expenses without complaining and she still insisted of devoting herself to her so-called career...yup, the ice-breaking conversation spoke by Pn Farizun, the senior manager of Human Resourced Dept of PETRONAS Carigali Sdn Bhd, at that point of time really stepped off the wrong foot. 

Yes, I was made understood that the HR can't proceed with my paper work due to no MCs from the hospital.. for goodness sake.. my oncologist has put it in his report clearly I was diagnosed with Nasal Cancer Stage 3, had undergone the treatment of both chemo and radiotherapy and has compiled the almost-daily blood test report for any health professional could interpret as me not fit to work. And the HR couldn't proceed with my case and pending the paperwork. How professional the PETRONAS IHA, anyway? and should there be any pending documents, how difficult for the IHA to be in touch with my oncologist, who happened to be a panel doctor for PETRONAS as he was in Prince Court Medical Center which PETRONAS identified as the listed panel hospital? 

My manager admitted that he didn't advised HR immediately when I was away for my medical treatment. So, has he just been getting the promotion, was there really a session by a HR officer to advised him his roles and responsibility? I wonder..

Without the HR asking, I told them my traumatized treatment experience. I was teary. Not because i was playing the sympathy game, but, truth was I hate thinking of the moment.. not even at that point, not even now, not even ever!

There goes the HR playing their roles game. I was briefed that due to the late acknowledgement (March was still late and this meeting took up in September when Farizun blasted me with telling without checking her facts right that they only got to know about it two months ago, so was it May now??????) to them, and insufficient documents, for goodness sake, they will still proceed with my case, but will need to back-dated everything. In the meantime, I am still considered as an AWL employee.. offense no 1 in the Code of Conduct!!!!!! As for my appraisals and others, there won't be any increment or anything as I was away from the office for more than six month.

I was sooo clueless at this point of time. 

clueless

Nope, not because of the increment and appraisal. I fully understood that. How could I be appraised and deserved and increment if I was not working? I just wanted to hear from the HR that I won't be in the non-performance list as that won't be fair to me and my employment record. Yes, I believe in reputation and recorded as non-performance will surely be damaging to my beautiful record. 

I was clueless when she mentioned I was an AWL case. What the hell was she thinking and saying that out loud straight to my face and all her executive and manager i.e. Nadhirah and Fatimah did not utter a single word! What was she trying to prove? That I am at their mercy??

I was clueless when she explained that she will have to backdate all the report bla bla bla. Do whatever you have to do ladies. But don't put me in your guilty loop. The Human Resource Dept that should promote integrity was trying to tell an executive that the report to their management might need to be backdated? at least, that's how I interpreted it. If at their defense, they don't mean that, I apologize. You might need to brush up your communication skill especially in conveying information. 

I was still clueless with her just made known about my case two month before Sept. Pn Farizun, though your manager started contacted my manager in the first week of March, and you were only being put in the email loop in April, that was not two month, that was five month.. and it might even have dragged if I didn't initiate the email to officially requested for the session with HR after I came to the office. It took one month and you executive Nadhirah just left me blank. Do you research well. Dig out the old email..read the trail..all Nadhirah was asking is to ask my sister to ask her sister to go to the panel doctor for the MCs. Don't come to work. The IHA will be in touch, but till now, I wonder what was the result of the first medical report that I've submitted and was sent to the IHA in June. Nobody in HR answered that question, and until today it left unanswered, mysteriously.

I was still clueless on many things, and I was still clueless how could a HR person who never seems to pretend to care could show NO empathy at all on the first brief meeting that intended to bombard a cancer survivor named me. 

The day after the meet up, I wrote the resign letter. It was out of emotion, but yes, up until today, I was ashamed to be associated with this prestigious company after what I've gone thru with the Human Resource Department. 

I night be just one person, a low-profile executive and worth not much to the company. My views might not do any harm to the organization, not as much as the famous Rafizi's letter. But I need to write this down. I need to tell others, how shattered a person could be when she looked up into such prestigious organization, speaks highly of the company, being proud of been able to work in the tallest twin tower, and was bullied by the Human Resource Department by the name of work policy and denied empathy by any human just because she was a cancer survivor. 

It's not worth my time. 

         

a no title

again and again,
i would start my blog with ".. gosh, this is long overdue posting.."..
but what the heck
there's a few in the list

i. the 10th wedding anniversary
ii. the kenduri kesyukuran
iii. the tun mahathir's encounter
iv. the aivey is now 3
v. the 4th working with petronas anniversary and sooo looking forward for the last day of working
vi. the health update
bla bla bla

...
bear with me

all of us

"vv ni manje sangat lah"
"vv tak manje, mama manje"
"mama manje? kenapa mama manje"
"aboh.." (a going-to-be-three-year old girl's answer, trying to tell her mama that was what her father's called her mom, 'manje'
...

it's august...
tomorrow, it will mark our tenth year wedding anniversary, the day i was officially his wife, the day he was my 'abang', and we pray it's for eternity, insyaallah...
i was soaked with emotions lately.
it's been a decade..
of course i've imagined this day will come..
we were happily married.
we celebrated the anniversary in the most grande celebration..
he showered me with lots of expensive gifts..
and many more..
but then, he won't be around on the day itself.
he's going to be working, offshore..
but then again, we'll be clebrating it once he's back..soo looking forward for the day..

i want this feeling, eternally
feeling of being the most luckiest girl having him as my husband
feeling of being endowed with sooo much blessing for the life i'm in now
feeling of being so true to myself and could never thank allah enough with all that has been bestowed upon me and our family
alhamdullillah

he may not be a perfect spouse and neither do i
i won't lie that there wasn't a time that i locked myself in the bathroom for crying outloud as a protest of being pissed at him
of course he raised his voice at me once a while when i was in my stubborn-head mode (and it scares me when i see myself in aivey's)
there were times we yelled at each other just because we were sore losers and we forgotten about each other's feelings
and the list goes on...

that's the beauty in one's marriage life!

we went through a lot
sweet and sour
hot and spicy
and i can never thank allah for letting me the chance to build the life with this special guy
he's handsome - he's my full time model
(and if zul ariffin is sweet when he smile 'senget'ly, wait till you see his senget smile..so original!)
he's smart - he's my wikipedia, my google, my walking dictionary
he takes up responsibilities - what a lucky wife i am, i spend my money, and i spend his money too.. i spend his money more than he spend his!
he's full of tolerance - trust me, you don't want to deal with a half dead human being who is going through 8 times chemo and 33 times radio.. ask him - it's a hell..
he's rational -you can never win an argument with the girl you love, but win their heart, and you'll be your own winner
he picks fight - he asks questions until he gets the answers that he wants to hear, not the answers what his wife tells him.. carik pasal kan tu?
he breaks promises - when he said "be there in five minutes", don't take his words unless you want to waste your time nagging about time management
he sleeps unconsciously - be it a fire in the house, may we were there with him or he'll fry himself
he's hopeless romantic -  he dedicates to me a song (finally, it;s a mellow love song): lagu john legend, all of me. fyi, the last song he dedicated to me was butterfly, crazytown (still love that song though)
he's so chandler - he's full of sarcasms and yet you laugh
too many of him, as much as me in us
i love him head to toe
i love him for all he is for he love me the same
i love him
i love him
i love him

abang,
happy 10th anniversary and let's pray for a lot of tens more, insyallah
i still want to do a lot of my first times with you..
and i want to go through with you for your many firsts too..

...

150 Juta - Fynn Jamal

Untuk kali keseratus lima puluh juta
Mereka tanyakan engkau soalan yang sama
“Eh kenapa kau masih lagi mahukan dia?”
“Apa kau buta, apa kau pura-pura suka”

Di seratus lima puluh juta kali itu
Di depan semua engkau tarik tangan aku
Yang sedang buat muka kosong tak ambil tahu
Sambil ketawa engkau bilang satu per satu

“Dia mungkin bengis seperti singa”
“Tapi dia nangis tonton cerita Korea”
“Dia mungkin keras bila bersuara”
“Tapi dia jelas, jujur apa adanya”

“Aku lagi kenal dia”

Dah lebih seratus lima puluh juta kali
Aku pesan padamu apa yang bakal jadi
Engkau dan aku ada mungkin tidak serasi
Engkau sangat manis, aku ini pula dawai besi

Di setiap seratus lima puluh jutanya
Aku pun dalam hati semacam tak percaya
Apa kau lihat pada aku jujurkan saja
Terus kau cubit dagu aku, sambil berkata

“sayang mungkin baran tak kira masa
tapi sayang tahan kalau yang salah saya
sayang mungkin saja keras kepala
tapi sayang manja bila kita berdua–

saya kenal sayang saya”

Buat apa dicerita
Bahagia kita rasa
Biar tak dipercaya
Peduli orang kata

Baju ronyok tak apa
Asal pakai selesa
Berkilau tak bermakna
Kalau hati tak ada

Aku lebih bengis dari sang naga
Tapi bisa nangis semata demi cinta
Suaraku keras tak berbahasa
Kerna aku rimas gedik mengada-ngada

Aku mudah baran tidak semena
Mana boleh tahan angin cemburu buta
Dan aku sengaja tunjuk keras kepala
Aku punya manja, kau saja boleh rasa

Rahsia kita berdua. 

and after three months

the MRI report was out on 23rd June, yeen's 32nd birthday (sorry sis, no intention in stealing the limelight from you...).

I was nervous, very, indeed. it was good of my dear hubby to console me over and over. we went in the morning and was told that our oncologist will only be available in the afternoon. yup, I even messed up the appointment time. we were supposed to meet the onco in the afternoon, but we came in the morning... told 'cha, I was nervous!

so, our morning were filled with other chores. time flies without us realized it.. and it was time for the appointment.

despite my nervousness, my blood pressure was pretty low.. 70/44.. hmmm
as we were called upon, we went to the clinic with hope, questions and many more.

it was a routine check by the onco, and he finally broke the news that from the MRI showed that there's no more active cancer cells in my neck area...

until today, when i looked back on the journey, it still left me unspoken. it's definitely allah's blessing allowing to live life to become a person i should rather than the person i've been. alhamdullillah. i broke into tears and i still do when i recall the moment. its a life experience that i want my kids to know, one day.

and of course, i wasn't alone.
yes, it was a sufferings getting through the meds and treatments.
yes, the recovery was not easy as i might have thought.
yes, it took a toll on every loved ones who surroundings me.
but alhamdullah..
with allah's blessing, i am where i am now because the love showered on me
the patience my hubby put up with all my antics
the sleepness night my parents had taking carw of their grown up eldest child
the time and money on travelling back and fourths my siblings and my in-laws spent
and i must say, with all my heart to all our relatives and friends, near and far, physical and virtual, the well wishers really helped me going through the days..
nobody could imagine  how powereful could it be for even a 'like' on a fb status on a statement such 'its better than yesterday' really made my days... true! i can't imagine too...
those buddies who wanted to come and visit me but i resisted, please accept my apologies. i won't lie, i was sick and at that point i felt soo useless that i prefer to be alone.
but today, looking back, all those prayers from a friend that has been lost touch with you for nearly two decades did helped me went through 'that' phase of my life....

i can never be thankful enough
these blessings are beyond words
my syukur to allah, and keep on praying that i will always remember the purpose of me living
my prayers and well wishers to all kind hearted people who care sooo much
terima kasih dan moga dirahmatiNya

recovering, alhamdullillah

it's been a while since my last update..
i'm still on the road of recovery..

last last Friday, had a minor surgery called 'myringotomy'..
a surgery that requires GA and it was some experience...
because of the chemo-radiotherapy, the cells (mostly) in my ears, nose, throat, neck were badly 'damaged'..
I won't lie, there were times I cried..
my ears were badly 'blocked'..
there were trapped air and water, in my middle ears..  set aside the buzzing cricket-like noise in my ears, Dr Yeoh who did the initial scoping a month ago was proposing me to have the myringotomy procedures.
it's a procedure where grommets were inserted in my ears, and hopefully it helps with the blocked ears, reduced the trapped air and water, and give me a better 'balance'...
true, I could hardly stand on my feet, hardly..
I was hoping that I could hear clearly after the procedure..
the procedure went well..
my hearing was much better as compare to previous month
but still, the buzzing noise still hasn't go away...
I guess I just have to bear with it for the time being..

the first ent scoping after the completion of my chemo-radiotherapy showed that the cancer cell behind the nose were no longer there nor active..
but this was the first scan, and yet to be confirmed with MRI a month after the scan

I had my MRI this morning..
the radiologist pass me the result in a CD which resulting me in front of the desktop at 1 in the morning while the boys were watching the world cup
p/s: I supported Spain, and they made me upset:(

we shall go thru the MRI result with dr azrif this Monday morning
but, I just couldn't sleep..
I inserted the CD
it took ages...
I doubt its the PC
I can't believe myself that I was nervous..
I felt weak and my knees were trembling
there were so many 'what ifs'
I saw the images
but it was unclear
I still need my oncologist interpretation
I was comparing the image with the one I did way before my prognosis were confirmed
comparing 'apple-to-apple', I can see the nose and neck areas were 'clear'..
but, me no expert
it still yet to be confirmed
as much as I was hoping its for real...and I pray and pray hard that the cancer cells has go away..
and please, don't ever come back
not to me
not to anyone I love
not to anyone I know
not to anyone at all
please ya allah
I knew I've been ungrateful all this while
being blessed with almost everything, I never care to be a good muslim
i'm not saying I've paid my price
what I've done in my past can never be compensated with me being sick
I've forgotten, all the nikmah and blessed were from Him
please ya allah
please allow me to have some opportunity
to be with You in the way I should
to have my children lead a life that they should as the khalifah, and do not repeat the mistakes I've made
please ya allah

ok, i'm getting all tears up and emotional
but fact is, I was reminded the five things we should grab before the other five
the health before illness
the young before old
the wealth before poor
the time before occupied
the life before death
we'll never know what's written for us
but feeling that allah is always there for us, is a blessing
we should keep reminding ourselves, not to forget Him even in a split second, 'coz He never will do that to us.. it's us who abandon Him, and bring mayhem to our very ownself

pp/s: waaahhh..panjang pulak tazkirah..nope, I never became an ustazah.. just a reminder to myself

by the way, I still can't take a single spoon of spicy food.. not a cut of green chilli..
I miss asam pedas, sambal ikan bilis, laksa, masak lemak cili api, even Nasik goring kampong very much!!!
this will take a while
sabarlah tekak

my saliva gland is getting lesser and lesser
but I guess, now that it's been a while
i'm so getting used to it

I believe
insyaallah, these will come back
it may take months, years, but it will come back

to people out there
do pray for my recovery
and hopefully the MRI result to be discussed on Monday is something gratifying...

i'm fine, thank you

hei stranger,
how u doin'?
...

it's been four weeks (I think) since my last radiotherapy session..
it seems like forever.. my first chemo was on dec 3rd, and it ended for the sixth time in march 2014.
six times of chemo.. I guess, my chemo experience wasn't as bad as expected.
perhaps everybody, my hubby, my dad, my mum..even my mum-in-law and sis-in-laws who stayed miles away from us were there, assisting me with whatever they can..

I was touched..
and not forgetting the prayers and well wishers that came in from everybody

I was always sooo 'outspoken' and loud
I say whatever things I want to say
I don't know how to keep it silently to myself
I don't care if people don't like me for who I am
I guess, when the big C came and visited me, I'm pretty sure many people would think 'serve her right'
but then again
prayers and well wishers from everybody near me, from friends that I spend few hours with, from friends of friends, from relatives I never knew exists, from neighbours who I rarely spoke to, from colleagues who don't even know my face and many many more...
gosh
too overwhelming!!!!!!
speechless!!
thank you alone is not enough
I pray, Allah blessed all these kind hearted, thoughtful people who never stop supporting me in every way they could.

back to the chemo..
I were on 3 cycles treatment.. the 1st day I were cisplatin thru IV
and followed by 14 days on xeloda...
I would rest for 7 days, and started the next cycle after the 8th day.
then, after 3 cycles, I were on cisplatin on weekly basis
the effects... I was weak, soooo weak
felt like a giant tight rubber band were all over my body, trying to squeeze me hard
my body was aching badly
I hungered for good massage, but when my loved ones tried to massage me, I would scream
my body didn't want to be touched
it hurt
the nausea and vomiting - don't mention it
it was tiring
my hair was thinning bit by bit
but alhamdullillah, it's not to the extend to balding
my hands and feet turned out all dark, nearly blackened
and dark spot was everywhere
it was the pigmentation effect from the xeloda
I was given 'boosters' for 3 times throughout the treatment, due to low white blood cells counts
and I had four pints of strangers blood running in my body from the blood transfusion due to low red blood cells counts

then came the radiotherapy
it was intensive
I went for 33times, everyday, during the week for a half-an-hour session
I would be lying on the flat platform before entering the machine
the therapist would made some measurements and fixed the mask to me face so that I don't move during the treatment
they would scan me first, then started with the session of x-ray radiation from my nose to neck 360degree
the sessions were ok
but apparently, towards the end, it's 'killing' me

i'm on recovery stage
it sound soothing...but it's not!!!
after four weeks.. i'm still aching
the effect from the radio burnt my neck and throat area badly
and so did my mouth and nose
I was on milk supplement for 2 months, as I could hardly take any food
alhamdullillah, since last week, I started taking soft food...
however, I kept spitting as the saliva are excessive and thick
it's really bad
I have to have tissues with me every time so that I could spit
it made it difficult for me to do things as I have to spit every five minutes
my nose and right ears were blocked constantly
it's very uncomfortable
but then again, who am I to complain
the doctor said that the saliva will be lessen in times, for at least six to twelve months!
whom am I kidding...
I could hardly talk too
it hurts when I talk
it hurts when I eat
it hurts when I laugh
it hurts when I cry
o throat o mine
the burnt marked around my neck has started to recover
it was bad during the last session of my radiotherapy
I kept applying the cream, just to make sure it didn't dry up
my weight, hopefully is not dropping any lower
the last I checked, I was 41kg
I don't remember feeling sooo light like now
i'm all skinny bone
the first time I took the my weight measurement before the 1st chemo, I was 53kg
do the math... in four month
who need slimming programme
I hope my slimming package is transferable... I really need good facial now
well, one good thing, I have no flabby tummy and big yummy 'drumstick' thigh
all I have to do is to keep good maintenance of it

I can only go through the MRI scan to confirm on the outcome of the treatment in 2 months time
please pray for me that the result would be positive
I really hope i'll be cancer-free by then
I can't bear going through the program all over again
I miss talking to my children
they have soooo many things to talk about, and all I can do is nod and give them sign language
of course I yell once a while, when they just didn't listen
I have to whisper, and even that hurt
I miss being healthy
it's gonna be a different life
...

I believe that this is Allah's blessing, giving me every opportunity in my life while i'm still breathing to become a better me
insyallah
I want to become a better me, a better ummah, a better wife, a better daughter, a better mother, a better sister, a better friend
I've wasted so much time in my life wanting to be me, and I don't even know who I wanted to be
but now I know
alhamdullillah for the chance
demn if I waste it again

...

.. sihat sebelum sakit..

dulu, masa rambut cantik ikal mayang,
sebok dok kaler macam2, nak vogue katanye
sebok dok tayang kat orang, sebab 'ko ado?' katanye
tetibe allah tarik nikmat tu,
tinggal sejemput je pun nak ikat
dilurut2 jatuh gugur genggam per genggam
dok sikat nak nampak comel cik abang tengok, beza takde
baru sedar kasik cik abang sorang tengok lagi puas hati dari dok tayang kat orang
kan ke dah lambat sedar tu

dulu, masa lidah masih boleh merasa,
sebok takmo makan semua bende, gemuk nanti katanye
sebok dok nak mkn salad mahal, tak glamour makan nasik dagang, 'kampung' katanye
tetibe allah tarik nikmat tu,
masuklah apa pun dalam mulut, rasa sama, mcm mkn kertas kadbod
nampak macam2 lauk, bile jamah, tak rasa macam yang nampak, kene flashback ingat balik mcm mana rasa masak asam pedas
cili merah seurat pun rasa mcm pisau hiris tekak
sedih,kan ke dah lambat sedar tu

dulu, masa kulit putih beseri,
sebok nak try pelbagai skincare, nak lagi gebu katanye
sebok nak beli mask tu nak gi spa ni, nak flawless 'mcm retis' katanye
tetibe allah tarik nikmat tu, 
kulit sensitive kene pakai simple product je, lain2 tak boleh, chemical banyak
muka kusam, pudar, mcm zombie pun ada
malu, kan ke dah lambat sedar tu

dulu, masa sore gah berkata2,
sebok dok mengata ikut sedap mulut, tak pikir org rasa, tak pandai cover2 katanye
sebok dok cakap bende ngarut2, 'mulut aku' katanye
tetibe allah tarik nikmat tu,
nak telan air liur pun macam telan batu pasir sakit terhiris, ni kan pulak nak bersuara
nak bersembang tak terdaya, sampai boleh jadi gaduh bila isyarat tangan tak tersampai mesej
sepi, kan ke dah lambat sedar tu

dulu, berat 53kg, tadi ukur 45.5kg.. dlm masa 2 bulan. 
alhamdullillah
allah tarik nikmat cepat
kasi sedar diri sendiri
kasi jangan lupa lagi
moga menjadi panduan hidup
jgn buat dah bende2 tak elok
nikmat allah untuk disyukuri
syukur
alhamdullillah
allah maha mengasihani
allah maha penyayang
allah maha mengampuni
taubat
ikut jalan dia
nikmat yang dia beri
perguna seadanya
tak payah tunggu allah tarik nikmat

allah ya rabbi
padamu aku berserah
aku milikmu
hanya engkau maha menentu
doaku
ampuni dosaku ya allah
pinjamkan aku sedikit nikmatmu
izinkan aku memperbaiki diriku
ameen