geng ngaji

i was thinking of just an FB shoutout..but there were so many things in my mindbox that i wanted to talk about the picture..a shoutout won't suffice.

the ladies in the picture were strangers who used to get acquainted because they went to the same boarding school twenty(-one) years back.

nope, they were not as close.
they were not groupies.
and back at school, they had their own groups and circles of friends.

(ok,now that everybody is wearing orange, i find it difficult to point out one-by-one to describe..hmm)
yon, the most left cheery girl (we all were) was staying across my room in the hostel block. she was not my classmate's 'cubemate' (or maybe the neighbour of my classmate's cube), but we were not that close. i would dropped by her place to visit my classmate. still vividly displayed in my memory box of her image and her books at her desk by the window. she would still laughed and screamed and pulled stunts, but she just couldn't be apart from her books.
yatt, the girl in black tudung, brought with her the orientation-T that was still loons like she just bought it yesterday though that was yesteryears. she's very reserved and didn't talk much. a chatty person like me would never be in a same ship with an introvert like her. but, no doubt, her smiles back then and now remains.
jas, the one holding the T-shirt, was never in my league and neither did i in her league. our class was just next to each other, but we were not close. she was ok. but when she got her groupies gathered, they could be quite loud.
am not saying i was good. i was horrible too. i'm sure if asked, they might have few things about me that i would make me say, 'really, you think of me in such ways?'

fact was, back then, we were not a clan.
but here we are, twenty years after, meeting up each others' just because.

they are good people, great buddies and how thankful i am as we've crossed each others' paths.
thirty weeks ago, i posted a shout-out on my FB. i wasn't looking for anybody, but i just wanted to tell my friends we can virtually be a group and try completing our quran recitation within thirty weeks. yatt texted me, nervously asking 'how will that be possible?' she trusted me, though that would be my first try too,  and joined me for the one juzu' one week challange. then, yatt was asking me to add on jas and yon in our mengaji group. yatt valued friendship highly. i was touched when i knew, these girls stick by me so that i could khatam my quran recitation.

we picked things up quite at first. then, as we've got the momentum, we were beyond control. instead of delaying the readings should we havd things to do and place to go and work to complete, we sped up. jas was soo panicked that she would be on maternity and so she sped up her readings so thag she won't be left alone. yon was soo competitive that she sped up whenever she knew her menses was due and even when she's off to vietnam and bali. me, i was ok until yon told me she completed her readings. i knew it was only me and yatt and i love to 'provoke' yatt in my own way. we all did. abd yatt was sooo sweet and cool. she's the strong one, if i must say.

despites of jas's hectic schedule with her consulting works...
despites of yon's thesis readings, lecturings, cookings, gardenings, exercisings and her charity worjs..
despites of yatt's madness with her kaizen career and cyclings...
they supported me. they were there. updating in the wassap group should they've completed reading for the day or week. they did it. we did it. alhamdullillah.

set aside the bickering parts, sharing stories, provoking each others, we did it.

these beautiful ladies are speacial.

thank you geng ngaji.. sayang korang sangat2..

round 2.... kite jumpe 30 minggu lagi (or less)...

tudung o tudung

i wanted to remain anonymous about the famous tudung store when i wanted to write about this. 

but, i guess some of you might be able to make a wild guess. 

after all, what i wrote is what had happened to me, and it was not fabricated and it might be a once-off unfortunate occasion and it did not happened to others, hopefully. 

i insisted of writing because i find it an insult to customer's rights by such a prestigious mentioned-company.

i won't deny how 'silly' a lady can be when it comes to shopping. i called it 'passion'.. hahaha.. that's the only scapegoat answer i could give to my husband when he asked 'how much?'.

i bought expensive ridiculous stuff too. i bought handbags that were so plain and yet because that tiny symbol on the left corner of the bags, i sealed the deal. and of course i was satisfied. i got it cheap online from my buddy who is staying in the US and the bags were demn cheap as compared to the same designs sold in the boutiques in KLCC (and yet the boutiques still have paying customers and they survive!). i bought two pairs of expensive shoes and keep on praying for nice weather or i might have to jump over puddles, which i kept telling aimar "please don't step on my shoes, it's expensive" and his response was sweet "why did you buy a shoe that so expensive if you are going to put it on your feet?".. 

last weekend, my mom bought a tudung. the expensive range from the famous shop. she bought two. one for her and one for me, without me asking. 

okay, i guess mom will always be mom. she used to buy stuff when we were small, and she keeps doing it till now. the only difference is that, she asked for us to pay back this time. and her 'taste' in stuff will mostly be on the new arrival range though the 70% sale signage that made her enter the shop at the first place.

i'm not complaining about her 'buying' skill. but, as she passed me the tudung she bought, and it didn't suited the colour i had in mind and then she told me the price, i was flabbergasted. of course i started nagging to her .. but the least i can do is to get an exchange of the colour that i've wanted.

to me, what she bought was piece of purple show with a 'line' of iron-on beads which i can merely got it by the street at the cost of less than rm50. hers were waaaaaay beyond the 'logical' price for a piece of cloth.

but then again, i couldn't blame the shop when my mom decided to have this impulse buying and i have to pay the price. it's understood that no refund should be granted. but, as i need a green tudung instead, i guess there's nothing wrong of trying to get it exchanged.

man, how wrong could i be. with less than three hours of purchased, i went back to the shop and asked for an exchange. unfortunately, the colour that i've wanted was not in the same range of the purple cloth (yup, to me it's still a piece of cloth with a tiny line of bling2). the green cloth that will match my dress was rm20 cheaper than the purple one. so, i politely asked the salesperson if i could change it and understood should i not be given the difference cashback.

"sorry puan, kita tak boleh tukar tudung ni sebab coding tak sama"
yup, i have hearing issues.. but i thought i heard it right and clearly the first time. trying to control my mental state at that moment, i requested the girl to repeat herself.
and the seconds i realized she was repeating the same sentence, and i repeated for clarity, my anger mode started to tick.

"i'm sure there's something you can do about it. i'm not asking for any refund. and the tudung was only with me for less than three hours. i haven't used it, for goodness sake".

"maaf puan, system kite tak allow"

"please let me talk to your management"

and i've clarified the issued with the smartly-dressed gentleman sitting behind the counter.
"sorry puan, our system did not allowed any exchange of different coding items"
"why is that?"
"it's the procedure"
"by who?"
"the auditor, puan. i do not have the authority to do so"
"this piece of cloth is one of the many that is paying partly for the third-party auditor who you paid to come up with the procedure and proposed the system. if you need to have a complete report stating that a customer insist on not using the automated system and deviate from the procedure that was set by the auditor because she has a change of mind in less than three hours and wanted to have an exchange of an unused product to much lesser value than what she had paid for and not asking for any refund, i could write it for you. and stop abusing the words system, procedures and no authority if you wouldn't mind admitting you are the management"

come on people! stop 'abusing' consumers with these 'power' words.

i wonder how many customers of them that they have 'cheated' in such ugly ways by expressing 'the system can't do it because of the procedure and was instructed by the auditor and i (the management) has no authority'.

shame on you.

of course, me being vocal, i got what i wanted. they even have the guts to tell me "you can pick anything else with the 'extra' money you have paid"
and when i responded "what can i get with rm18 and not to add any single cent more"
the whole clan at the counters took ten minutes of silence to come back with an answer "maybe we can give you a store credit so that you could use it in a next purchase"
well well well
it's sale time and they do not have anything below rm18. bravo!
of course, i took the store credit, not for me to use, but at least it gave me some sort of 'satisfaction'..

really, me? satisfied enough with the store credits...
negative!
it heartbreaking to realized how many customers who was not as blessed as me been saving their money just to get one of the branded tudung as their collection and got cheated..

kawan2, there's more online tudung that is sooooo much nicer, prettier, with higher quality and of course with attractive offers.. just stop buying these oppressive. when the buying slows down, they might realized whether its their auditors they should listen or their customers.

   

tears

"mama nangis kenapa?"

...

i normally chose to answer all questions that were thrown to us from the kids. we promoted the boys to ask and ask and ask and ask. we wanted them to be intrigued all the times. we wanted them to understand better on every other things. we wanted them to talk to us and not to shut them off. and the least we wanted them to know the truth and facts of life so that they learn how to live their life. 

but when aimar asked me that question last night, i was muted. i was clueless in looking for the 'politically' right way to answer him that.

...

i can't tell him i cried because i just had to. 

he cried few weeks back, because he was mad when his classmate made fun of him by showing a caricature of a man with beard was him. i told him not to cry. 

"kalau aimar tak sakit, tak luka, aimar tak boleh cry. hero tak cry"

but i did asked him why he cried..and he's answer was cute "mama tak kasi aimar gaduh, so, aimar cry lah"....

right after that, aidan came with a sour face. after threatening him that i won't drive home if he won't tell what was the issue, he started crying. he cried because he was laughing at his classmate and his teacher thought him a 'sweet' lesson by asking him to do the task that his friend did and as it took the same difficulties like his friend did, his teacher told him that he shouldn't laugh at his mates at the first place. the strong abang in him brokedown and cried in front of mama. but then again, i told him "aidan knew it was wrong. takpelah, next time you'll remember and won't repeat it again. for now, nangis lah"

...

i had a myringotomy surgery in June last year. It's a simple procedures where the surgeon poke a hole in my ear and put a tube so that my middle ear won't get blocked as the air and fluid in the ears is building up, results from the radiotherapy. Last week, the plastic tube that was in the left year was loosen up and fell off. I had been uncomfortable since then. my hearing,which has been deteriorating from the treatment, is getting from good to so-so. my hubby tried making conversation, but i somehow misheard few words and repeating sentences to your wife over and over again is not something comforting. 

my supplement supplies were shorts for days. my dad managed to bought it yesterday and passed them to me this morning. but, lacks of supplements made my body from so-so to too-tired-to-even-to breath. but ladies, please envy me. my hubby let me sleep most of the times, and i do sleep like a baby. 

of course, i'm planning for another myringotomy and i've got my supplement for the month.

but yesterday, as i prayed, i felt like crying. 

i'm not giving up life.

i felt blessed.

i have always been blessed with good life, good people, good things.

one thing i was lacking before is to be thankful of all the blessings. 

nauzubillah, i do not want to go there again.. i do not want to be those who were not thankful. 

i've been given my life back. 

i could die.

i could gave up.

but i guess, it's okay for me to cry. 

...

i cried for how grateful i am with all the blessings and opportunities for betterment.

i cried for how tired and sick i felt, Allah gave me my caring loving husband and my concern families for me.

i cried for how sad i am and as i felt like i'm letting myself down, i knew kasih Allah is there, and all i have to do is 'ask'.

i cried for all the sins i did, and i hope the pain i felt washed it away, ameen.

...

aidan, aimar,

sometimes, we cry .. just because we had to. 

so, it was supposed to be easy?

it has been a week since my husband is off for his routine work duties. that means, it has been a week that i became a 'full time 100% mom' taking care of the kids. and today, i am posting to blog how ashamed i am to myself!

after a decade being a mother, appreciating motherhood and what-so-ever, i broke down!

as i've been telling people (and maybe it was for myself), i have always been good in whatever i do. i was a start student and an excellent employee. but, after one week, taking care of the kids, and trust me, i do cheat and let them stay with their grandparents over the weekend so that i could have a night alone for myself, i still posting this!

no pun intended, but i always thought committing 100% time being a stay-at-home mom will kill any decent lady. what will you do when the kids are off to school, the laundry are done, the house is cleaned by the weekend helper and you can opt to buy your food just a five-minute drive away if you don't want to cook yourself. and this is almost an everyday routine. of course, one of the day, you can go shopping, meet your friends over lunch, go for another shopping, bloggings, on-line shopping, FB, TV, reading and many more.. but, what's next?

somehow, after a week, i was haunted with my own shadows.

before i could realized it, instead of opting lazy time on the bed after the subuh prayer, i had to wake up, took my shower (or maybe later), got the boys ready for school and off we went..faced the horrifying traffic no matter how early we decided to make our move! and once they were off to school, stopped by the nasi lemak stall for quick breakfast, back to home for few minutes naps, and before i knew it, it's another half hour to boob. there were zuhur, lunch and few hours of reading or blogging and zap, time to pick up the kids. reached home, prepared dinner if i felt like it, or just lazing around with another round of my e-book. maghrib, recited quran with the boys and off for dinner if i didn't prepare any homecooked. worked on their homework and some revisions. and it was time to sleep. shut the kids off, and i tried to get some rest myself, and without me noticing it, there goes my 24 hours routine.

the kids were kids, and to add the drama, there were two of them, and they were boys! i have to constantly told them 'stop giving mama headaches, please', and two minutes right-after, i have to mutter the same sentence again. having a toddler is an additional 'advantage'. she would whine, she would charmed her way, she would want all the attention on her.

and being ambitious is unhealthy for someone in remission. aidan need a UHU glue, a box and coloured paper for the art class, and dang, i still hasn't bought it yet.oh no, i went to the bookshoop and didn't get it for him! aimar is eight year old and still struggling with the articles a, an and the.. oh no, is he been missing in class? aivey is going to four, talks a lot and still struggling with potty train. gosh! and i couldn't get the printer to print out aidan's history homework!!! i need my man!

this is the start..

somehow, i still think a fixed office work with complete job description is workable for me rather than a home-maker trying to figure out everything and pretend to the stakeholders that i know this is the right way 'coz i'm a mother!

what was i thinking?????

if you can't understand, please respect

it has been a long silence.. as usual:)

nope, i wasn't busy with work.. definitely not. 

nope, i wasn't occupied with things.. been avoiding the ironing despite of the pile-up laundry

nope, i wasn't rushing here and there.. my eyes prefer to rest during daylights

no excuses on my silent..

i've been meaning to post a lot of things

the year end of 2014 and the new year 2015

the kids growing up

and me being a full-time not working in the office.. yup, as much as i decided to resign, due to circumstances, i settled for six months of unpaid leave. 

let me spare the bragging of being on unpaid in a different post. 

as for now, i'm blogging as i just have to express out what's inside. 

...

i was always a star student. 

i excelled in school, i went miles away from home to complete my degree, i got excellent jobs and i never stop being ambitious. 

wham!bam! i had lumps on my neck, and it was malignant. 

i got it treated.

and after twice of MRIs, alhamdullillah.. i'm still breathing. 

when we got sick,  we took antibiotics, we got it treated, and we will (insyaallah) be in the road of recovery. 

the recovery shouldn't take as much time as anyone could have expected. 

after four months of recovery, and with the MRIs confirming the news, i felt obligated to go to work. i was on sick leave for nearly seven months, and i was paid throughout without doing any work. i was raised by an army officer who uphold his integrity to the highest. bila dah jadi amanah, jaga amanah sebaik mungkin. my guilty conscience was mounted that i knew i have to go to work soonest. one note that i've forgotten was the sickness that i got was not fever or a runny nose. the recovery took longer than i've expected. 

i went to work, still. 

i got tired easily and got sick on alternate days.

i broke down with emotions too sudden over small things. 

i hated the question 'how are you'

i was not performing as much as i used to be. 

and the best thing is to leave. 

what comes around, comes around. 

i have a very strong opinions on ladies who excel in career who opted not to work and contribute. 

and i'm in that lady's shoe..

...

i am determine. 

i am best at home.

i am still as ambitious as i have ever been. 

i am confident, this is my path,

...

but i must admit, i have mixed feelings when other career-minded women asked me 'so, this is for real?'

the question was just that.

but, seems like i could here what's in their mind..

.. what a waste, bright lady with a good job in a great company..

.. depending on the husband, alone?..

.. are you sure you won't get bored?..

.. so, what will be your contribution then?..

.. how nice to be a tai-tai..

at least, those are the few i could think of..

and i always have different version answering the question, depending on who's asking and how 'loud' the question is..

but just now, one of the closest to me muttered an 'advice'.. "kerjalah.. duduk rumah buat apa?"

i can't bring myself to a steady mind and i cried.

...

my dearest, i knew the intention is genuine.

i knew it's for 'the best'.

but please know, i have my reasons.

1. i want to learn more about myself. i've been lacking spiritually, and giving new chance to still breathe, i should grab it without waiting. i want to learn islam. i want to know my lackings. i want to improve for betterment. i've always been a sinner and allah still granted me with full of blessings in life. i want to spend more time, repenting, learning and become a better muslimah.


2. i've been in marriage for a decade. as much as i keep thinking i've sacrificed a lot in the relationship, i kept forgetting it takes two to tango. my husband has always been a good man. yes, he may not be perfect, but so do i. we both are learning and we both want to change for a betterment. even after fifteen years of working, i could hardly save a single cent. and i never have to spend a single cent for the family expenses. my husband took care of everything. alhamdullillah. the rezeki is suffice. and all he wanted for me is not to work so that i could spend more time raising the kids. i didn't know what took me so long to come to that agreement.  and i'm still thankful for having such a patience husband. i know, some may think 'you never know, he's a MAN, you know'. i believe, allah is with me. as what allah says to the ummu mukminin,  'and stay in your houses and display not your finery' (al-ahzab; ayat 33).

3. i want to be the best mom my kids would ever remembered. as my husband put it, i am looking forward to the day when they totally understand that i pick them over the career in me. i am committed to raise them, full time and raise them well. i want them to become the best of an insaan they should be. and i want the, to be proud to tell others that i worked for them. i want to spend time with them, get involve in their daily life.

4. i am still not well. i may look fine, i may tell you i'm ok. just because, i myself has stop complaining. if i told you i was not well, all you can do is giving me the sympathy look. don't tell me that you'll understand cause you'll never will. and because of me not being as healthy as i wish i was, i guess it's best for me not to work instead of earning monthly income but not fulfilling the commitment that i should have. 

5. i started to be intolerance with fakers, backstabbers, backbitters, idiot people who snobbish enough to think they were right and many more negative people. okay, one may perceived me as a negative people too. but, at this age, after what i've gone thru, i knew i couldn't change the mindset of the people i worked with.but for sure, i can teach my kids to be a great khalifah, and they will surely be able to change the world for better, insyallah. 

the list could be extended, but at this current rate, these are the few. 

please don't get me wrong. i'm not undermining any working mom. i respected you people for being able to cope both motherhood and the career life. perhaps, some just have no choice but to work. perhaps some just as ambitious as i used to be when it comes to career. perhaps, some just love working. 

but, to those who still think it's a waste for a talent like me not to work, please know, i know this is what i want to do. a bigger best thing is about to happen, insyaallah. and don't worry, i'm still as ambitious as i used to be. it just me. you couldn't imagine the pressure i'm in to raise the kids the way i've visioned. i channeled my ambition to those promises of our breed.

if you can't understand, just please respect my decision and wish me luck. 

bismillahhirrahmanirrahim

happy anniversary, evil you!

I realized that I've 'stop' writing about my health condition for quite a while.
Perhaps I'm not sure how I really feel, whether I'm healthy or not.
Perhaps I'm not sure how I would react, whether to laugh or cry.
Perhaps I'm not sure how I should be, whether to endure or surrender.
Fact is - it's everything and anything.
...
It's been a year! Yup! At these time last year, I was nervous, cried buckets of tears, worried, in grievance and tried to put my daily happy face just to tell everybody I'll be fine.
Yup! It was these time, last year.

(Now I know why I can't write about my health updates! It's too much to take. I haven't started talking about it, yet I'm crying mentally!)

Truth is, I don't know how, where and what to start ranting about when people asked me "how are you doing?"
...
It was a genuine question. People do want to know how I'm doing.
I just didn't know if I should start blabbering telling about all the traumatizing experience  I went through or describing how tiring of me being weak most of the time, even after a year.
Usually, I would just answer them the truth "Alhamdulillah, I'm coping well. I beat the evil cancer!!"
...
Fact is - the treatment left a very significant mixed feeling whenever I think about it. Though I've beat cancer, I still couldn't get things out of my mind..

Cancer is evil. It was nothing when you didn't realized it. And suddenly, pop! Out of sudden, you were all weak. Friends, take it from me, find time for yourself and your loved one. Get a health screening package, check your body out. Yup, if it's faith, it is..but, even in the Quran do tell us "usaha".. work things out! Get it done - mammogram, pap smear - everything. Live a healthy life. Go organic, if you could. Eat good cleaned food. Reduced junk! Yup, it's not easy. I'm in a remission and still couldn't get these right.. but, we can just try, try! They don't simply prevention is better than cure for nothing. It's true, prevention is better than cure.

I've completed my whole treatment cycle in March, and here I am, after eight month, still on my road of recovery.

It is tiring.

Nope, I'm not complaining.
But allow me to explain.

The recovery is terrifying.
The tasteless buds is saddening.
The burning throat is unbearable.
The buzzing noise seems to consistently humming in the ears.
The runny nose is a never-ending issue.
The breakdown of the nerves system is a frequent dilemma.
The physical imbalanced judgement is frustrating...o my, it's endless

It was horrifying and still haunting.

The chemotherapy kills all the bad and good cells.
My blood cells reduced, and still counting. The red, white blood cells and everything.. it is still low for the body to cope.
I got sick easily. Like a baby.
In a week, I would have fever, coughs and everything under the sun.
I went to the GPs and got fed-up after a while.
Tiredness is a disease too. I could sleep for days.
If a 'normal' person could still survive after Wednesday, my week got shorten.
Should I have a full Monday, my body started to feel tired on Tuesday, and got weak on Wednesday and by Thursday I could collapsed. It took me three days to rejuvenate!
After a while, this routine is ruining me.
I became grumpy.
I felt useless.
Most of the house chores done by my husband, and I could hardly accompany him for a chat while him doing chores just because I prefer sleeping.
Things got tenses once a while.
I felt tired.
Everything is irritable to me, yet, I thought I was being rational though I doubt it.
There were one time that I went to the GP, complaining of headache and toothache and she referred me to the dentist. The dentist then checked and told me it was the sinus. My sinus vessel has been filled up with fluid.
Of sudden, instead of fluid flowing out from my nose, it came out from the ears! Yup, you read it right, from the EARS!
It was scary, but the onco, with his straight faced, told us "It's the normal effect for those who completed the head and neck radiotherapy. The issues with the ears and the nose will always be there for the next two or three or maybe even five years. The radiotherapy killed all the cells and hairs at the area, hence, everything is developing new. As for now, the nose and ears are 'unprotected'"
My emotions fluctuate highs and lows.
I could be angry and screaming on top of my lung.
I could get violent.
I could just stop talking and shut everything off.
I could cry non-stop just because it was raining.

As I would say it..
I'm tired of getting tired
I'm tired of getting sick
I'm sick of getting sick
I'm sick of getting tired
...
But it was all a blessing.
A great blessing.
As I read the Quran yesterday, tears flowing.
I have no idea what I was reading.
I don't bother reading the tafseer.
But I was crying.

Betapa cantik bahasa Allah.
Betapa merdu susun lagunya.
Betapa agung ayat-ayatnya.
Betapa mahal patah baitnya.
Betapa bertuah diri ini, dilahirkan dengan agama semulia ini, diberi nikmat dunia akhirat.

It's all up to oneself.

Kalau baik mintaknya, baiklah jadinya.
Kalau lalai melata, usah disalahkan Maha Pencipta.
...
It was a ride.
But as the days passed, I cried today for the blessing.

My auntie cooked the best assam pedas, sambal ayam, ikan bakar with the greatest air assam.
I was her number one fan when it comes to food.
I remembered how guilty she was when we had a makan-makan few months ago and she've prepared all the food in everyone's list and overlooked on my 'disability' at that time.
I was crying when all I had was a plain rice with fried egg.
It was unfair.
I couldn't take spicy food. Even the ikan kicap was spicy for me!

Last week, after nearly a year, on the day I was crying and made my colleagues teary, too (don't deny me girls, I knew you were!), throwing tantrums, pulling out dramas and stormed out from the office, Ar-Rahman Ar-Rahim, Maha Pengasih Ya Allah gave me among the greatest gift.. the sensation to withstand the spicy air assam.. After a year!!! All the small things!!!!!!!!

Surah Hud, Ayat 9,10&11:

Dan demi sesungguhnya! Jika Kami rasakan manusai sesuatu pemberian rahmat dari Kami kemudaian Kami tarik balik pemberian itu daripadanya, mendapati dia amat berputus asa, lagi amat tidak bersyukur. 

Dan demi sesungguhnya! Kalau Kami memberinya pula kesenangan sesudah dia menderita kesusahan, tentulah dia akan berkata: Telah hilang lenyaplah dariku segala kesusahan yang menimpaku. Sesunggnya dia (dengan kesenangannya itu) riang gembira, lagi bermegah-megah (kepada orang ramai). 

Kecuali orang-orang yang sabar dan mengerjakan amal soleh maka mereka itu akan beroleh keampunan dan pahala yang besar.

Who am I kidding!
It has always been a blessing.
I got sick, but my kids were taking care of.
They got to one of the good school. They performed well. They even memorize few of the juz amma which I didn't managed to up till now.
The stubborn me learned and still learning to be a better muslimah, wife, mother and daughter.
The material world which seems never enough is actually suffice.
The nikmat are abandon..
Syukur!
Syukur!
Syukur!
Yes, I regret that I didn't realized how much Allah loves us before I was diagnosed with cancer.
Tapi syukur, sebab cancer, I wanted to change to a better life.
It feels great to know the purpose of living.
It time to achieve.
Jom semua, kita work towards Jannah, Insyaallah.










    

what courage is..

we had the whole clan sending my cousin sister to her college.
it was mixed feelings.
my extended family is really extended. and we are very close. we argued, we yelled, we screamed and we laughed at each other - the bonding we cherished..
...
when i was on my long summer holidays, i remembered having her sleeping on my chest, so that I could take a nap too.. it was  soothing to have that small warm tiny baby on your chest that was so fragile!

that was eighteen years ago. and this baby made us proud for being offered a place (finally) in uitm jengka to pursuit her (or maybe ours) ambition.

well, it's a normally sob stories of a girl coming from a poor family and made it through (insyaallah).
but, i felt like writing about it, just as a reminder to myself, herself or anyone who might have forgotten how blessed life is..allahuakbar
...
she's the little daughter of my aunt. her dad, who has three wives and dozens of abandoned children, was barely there in their life.

my aunt, the only one who never received any formal education out of eleven (twelve?) siblings, was so in love with this guy and got married without the parent's approval and became the second wife. i'd still say she got conned by this man, but, once a while, when she talked about him, despite all the mean words and hatred that came out from her mouth, deep inside, i could still figure out the love never dies, partly.

my aunt raised both of her daughters by herself, with the altruism from the family members. nope. not a single cash came in from that irresponsible father of my cousins. maybe there were, but if there were, i knew it was never suffice. in fact, i remember hearing him asking money  from my aunt. i never knew this guy. i just hate his gut that i never was interested to know his issues! they said, he was actually a nice person.. but any man who left his family behind, ignoring them and pretended as if they never exists never deserved to even be called a person!

my aunt took care tens and tens of stranger kids and babies (some have been all grown up and still came and paid her visits), cooked food  (nice food) to sell every morning before the sun even rise. just so to feed herself and her daughters and survive in this while as much as possible. she barely bought things for herself. she took care of us, too. when we were small, when our parents were away for work, she babysit us, provided us food, bathed us, and washed our laundries. and now, she still did her routines for our kids. it was cheap hard labour, but the least she can do. as much as she might think she was lucky to have us, i wanted her to know we were the lucky one to have her throughout our lives.. she has not only two daughters, she raised so many of us, the cousins and our babies too (that would be for my case)!

i remembered when i was in my primary and the mailman came to deliver a courier. she never knew how to write, and she was supposed to sign the received consignment. she wrote a crooked 'z' representing her name, zaiton.. at that time, i found it cute.. but thinking back, i sympathized! i knew she was struggling, in front of her growing niece and that mailman.. she could hardly hold a pen!

i remembered when i was a teenager and saw her hand-washed my dirty underpants. it was nothing back then, 'ala, mamiton memang basuh baju semua orang'.. and thinking back, allahuakbar, what have i done! i knew she wouldn't mind, but what was i thinking? what was everybody thinking?

i remembered when i wanted to further up my studies oversea, and all she did day and nights were cleaning the anchovies for the sambal she would cooked for me to bring it to the UK,,, she could have just asked my mom to bought the cleaned anchovies to make her life easier, but she said "tak sedap sambal bilis pakai ikan bilis yang dah siap kopek'. as she was the expert in food, we never complained, after all, we never helped! .. and thinking back, how could i do what i did, ignoring small things and noticing how much she cared.

i remembered when i just called her "miton, boleh jaga aidan aimar tak, ain nak gi tengok wayang ngan acap?" and her respond will never fails me..up until today.

i remembered how excited she has been to learn the quran from my boy just because she never knew how to read.

my aunt, seems like non-existing insignificant no-body type of a person, but she's everything.
she is (still) my mom's and my babysitter
she  is the best "washing machine" (never broke unless she was attacked by fever) we could have, and she made the white shirt whiter than you first bought.
she is definitely the best chief we ever had..when others' were telling how much they missed their mum's cook when we were in boarding school, i missed mamiton's food (sorry mama, you still cooked the best nasik tomato, though)
she is our mom.. and she just do hard labour for us..
my aunt, she's everything..

and as we sent her daughter away, as much as we were so proud of her for making it to the university, all the credit must go to my aunt. she has no knowledge how school was, she has no idea how reading was, she learned her basic english words 'jump, run, no, yes' from my children, she has no educational achievement that her daughter can be proud of.. but all of us knew, she will do what it takes to make sure her daughters get what she never get!! if courage is a person, courage is her!
...

nana, ni akak nak pesan.
orang tengok korang orang susah, orang tak bijak pandai..
orang tau tengok je
orang tak rasa susah mak, dah takkan paham susah mak.
alhamdullillah, ada rezeki sepupu2, kite semua tolong sesama kite.
mak berjasa bukan kat nana and tasha jer.. mak banyak jasa kat kitorang.
nana, mak mungkin ada buat silap dalam buat keputusan hidup die dulu.
tapi, akak tau, die bersyukur dapat nana tasha sebagai anak dia.
nana, kite semua tau, takde orang yang boleh tolong kite, selain diri kite sendiri.,
walau mak tak lafaz dekat nana setulusnya, akak tau, dia nak nak belajar betul2, score habis2an..die nak goreng sambal bilis bekalkan nana pergi belajar oversea nanti, insyallah.
nana, belajar betul2.
belajar supaya nasib terbela.
belajar sampai berjaya.
biarlah kawan2 kolej boleh pakai iphone6, kete myvi pergi kuliah, handbag coach latest design, baju sutera yang cantik2, nana belajar je lah. belanja sekadar mampu, tapi pulun habis2an kat university tu.
ari tu 3 kerete hantar nana, though ramai lagi yang nak ikut...nanti, satu bas kita sewa bile nana grad with deans' list, insyaallah.. berkat doa kitorang semua.. berkat doa harapan mak!
insyaallah

akak nak kasik ingat
1. jangan tinggal sembahyang
2. jangan lupa usaha, belajar molek2
3. jangan putus berdoa
4. jangan lara, leka dengan benda2 yang melalaikan
5. set your target high, aim for it and work for it..

insyaallah
belajar tu, part of fisabillillah..
jihad untuk diri, mak, agama, bangsa.

good luck dik

nice shot of miton, nana & tasha

..gosh - u people so young and this was only five years ago!