am on my second cycle of my chemotheraphy treatment.. who would have thoughts.
i'll describe about it a little later..
but what i want to tell you people out there..
thanks a zillion bunch!!
i have soo much love
prayers came endlessly
well wishers uncountables
those beautiful thoughts remind me how i was not all along
thank you kind people!!
orang cakap, berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul..
frankly, let me doubt that for once.
my hubby, kids and families been putting their very hard to support me
my friends keep reminding me how much they missed my company
everybody was hoping things were different
and everything changes
and i really felt touched
that was the strenght
abang, manje kuat sebab manje ada abang.
aidan, aimar, aivey, mama tak kuat sangat sekarang ni, tapi mama look forward for a healthier me to spend more times with you people
abah, mama, yeen, mi, k ani, miton, mum and semua2, thank you
kekawan, the doa really heal
this is just a start.
setiap waktu, masa, tenaga, ingatan, doa are my theraphy.
thank you
my channel to ramble. this is my PERSONAL blog and not for public use, unless permitted.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Thursday, December 19, 2013
aidan's 8th bday
we have about a week before i started my chemo.
i won't lie by telling i'm all set. i was and still am scared.
but as we started sharing the news with families and close friends, i felt so much love that build up my strenghts. my hubby consistently explaining to me on how i will feel etc and me, i somehow find something that has been missing in my life, the spiritual side in me. and i can never thank allah enough for the chances He gave me to live a better life. i know He will always be there no matter what. yup, it's a sad thing that i just got to realized it now, but alhamdullillah, it's never too late to change for a better.
...
we celebrated aidan's bday as planned.
aidan wanted a futsal bday party, despite the bday would fall on school holidays. he was busy distributing the invites, made sure his buddies made it for the day.
it was the simplest bday arrangement we've ever made. i booked the court for 3 1/2 hrs.
we paid someone to deal with the candy buffet table and the goodie bag and even the banner. my hubby had to get the tables and chairs from my aunt's shop, so, that was a bit hassle. my aunt prepared the fried beehoon which my mom paid for. my bro-in-law paid for the KFC. my bro bought the pizzas. and we bought some McDs and drinks and some junks.. haha very healthy!!;)
my dad and my cousin sponsored few gifts for the lucky draw and the futsal winners.
the kids enjoyed the game. the adults had fun teasing too. i must thanked all aidan's friends' parents who drop their kids and some even stayed for the games.
the party was great. the kids had fun times.
...
while i was healthier;)
i won't lie by telling i'm all set. i was and still am scared.
but as we started sharing the news with families and close friends, i felt so much love that build up my strenghts. my hubby consistently explaining to me on how i will feel etc and me, i somehow find something that has been missing in my life, the spiritual side in me. and i can never thank allah enough for the chances He gave me to live a better life. i know He will always be there no matter what. yup, it's a sad thing that i just got to realized it now, but alhamdullillah, it's never too late to change for a better.
...
we celebrated aidan's bday as planned.
aidan wanted a futsal bday party, despite the bday would fall on school holidays. he was busy distributing the invites, made sure his buddies made it for the day.
it was the simplest bday arrangement we've ever made. i booked the court for 3 1/2 hrs.
we paid someone to deal with the candy buffet table and the goodie bag and even the banner. my hubby had to get the tables and chairs from my aunt's shop, so, that was a bit hassle. my aunt prepared the fried beehoon which my mom paid for. my bro-in-law paid for the KFC. my bro bought the pizzas. and we bought some McDs and drinks and some junks.. haha very healthy!!;)
my dad and my cousin sponsored few gifts for the lucky draw and the futsal winners.
the kids enjoyed the game. the adults had fun teasing too. i must thanked all aidan's friends' parents who drop their kids and some even stayed for the games.
the party was great. the kids had fun times.
...
while i was healthier;)
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
the diagnosed
the appointment was scheduled for 1145, but i made my hubby to reach pcmc around 1115. not that i was too eager, but it was my hubby's first visit to the known hospital and so we were excited.
...
we only were called to the doc clinic around 1230. we were bored by then.
dr yeo, smiling and shaking our hands firmly. i couldn't remember what happened next. he poked my nose with that small camera of his to confirm on things and he told us it was cancer. and he poked my nose again and tjis time he took some sample of the cell.
how did i react?
i frankly din remember.
it was smooth,the way he delivered the news. and next we were set to the next clinic to meet the oncologist.
...
me, with my heels, holding my hubby's firm hand.
never could i imagined we were seeing the oncology. my hubby never knew that oncologist study cancers.
my hubby was fast with his fingers googling things about NPC / Nasalpharangeal Cancer. he even can relates to which stage i was when he googled. he is sooo my oncologist.
...
and we met dr muhammad azrif, the oncologist.
as much as i was hoping dr yeo mistakenly read the test analysis, dr azrif slapped us with reality. he was so calm when he told us it was npc, or we might called it behind-the-nose cancer.
who would have thought.
that 19th nov 2013, we were told of such news.
...
we were scheduled for petscan and mri to confirm should the cancer cell has spread elsewhere.
then, i was asked to do my dental check. should there be any bad teeth or potentially bad teeth, it should be removed. i was told, if i were to undergo the radiotheraphy, dental issue will be a hazard should there be any.
i went to the dentist. i found out that both my gigi taring are still gigi susu;)
i have to remove one good molar of mine on the upper right side. i did removed the lower right side before, hence the dentist advised to remove the upper one.
the petscan was a very interesting experience. when they introduced the radioactive fluid, i was not supposed to move around to reduce any active movement in my body. went thru the petscan for 40mins.
next, the mri, it was noisy, very. took me half hour.
and when all done, and confirmed.
the cell has spread only to the neck lymph nodes. no other else.
npc stage 3.
alhamdullillah.
...
dr azrif npc is common and curable.
i just have to have the courage to go through the program.
he wanted to start chemo right away, but i requested for a week extension so that i can celebrate aidan's futsal bday party on the 1st Dec.
...
we only were called to the doc clinic around 1230. we were bored by then.
dr yeo, smiling and shaking our hands firmly. i couldn't remember what happened next. he poked my nose with that small camera of his to confirm on things and he told us it was cancer. and he poked my nose again and tjis time he took some sample of the cell.
how did i react?
i frankly din remember.
it was smooth,the way he delivered the news. and next we were set to the next clinic to meet the oncologist.
...
me, with my heels, holding my hubby's firm hand.
never could i imagined we were seeing the oncology. my hubby never knew that oncologist study cancers.
my hubby was fast with his fingers googling things about NPC / Nasalpharangeal Cancer. he even can relates to which stage i was when he googled. he is sooo my oncologist.
...
and we met dr muhammad azrif, the oncologist.
as much as i was hoping dr yeo mistakenly read the test analysis, dr azrif slapped us with reality. he was so calm when he told us it was npc, or we might called it behind-the-nose cancer.
who would have thought.
that 19th nov 2013, we were told of such news.
...
we were scheduled for petscan and mri to confirm should the cancer cell has spread elsewhere.
then, i was asked to do my dental check. should there be any bad teeth or potentially bad teeth, it should be removed. i was told, if i were to undergo the radiotheraphy, dental issue will be a hazard should there be any.
i went to the dentist. i found out that both my gigi taring are still gigi susu;)
i have to remove one good molar of mine on the upper right side. i did removed the lower right side before, hence the dentist advised to remove the upper one.
the petscan was a very interesting experience. when they introduced the radioactive fluid, i was not supposed to move around to reduce any active movement in my body. went thru the petscan for 40mins.
next, the mri, it was noisy, very. took me half hour.
and when all done, and confirmed.
the cell has spread only to the neck lymph nodes. no other else.
npc stage 3.
alhamdullillah.
...
dr azrif npc is common and curable.
i just have to have the courage to go through the program.
he wanted to start chemo right away, but i requested for a week extension so that i can celebrate aidan's futsal bday party on the 1st Dec.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
the tests
I finally decided to go to dr koh, the ent specialist in gleneagles after the lump on the right neck is not reducing in size after the antibiotics dr anand prescribed.
dr koh decided to give me a stronger antibiotics.
after two weeks, it din get any better.he wrote a referral letter to dr yeo,the ent head and neck specialist of pcmc.
...
my hubby wanted to be there on my first visit to dr yeo. but he was due for his offshore duties and stubborn me just wanted to go and see the doc and get over with it.
the day I waited for my name to be called upon, I was everything but ok. I even made a big scene when my hubby din called up as he we was caught up with work.
it was quick. he wanted to perform the fine needle aspiration test, or fna, they called it. he wanted to do it right away, but i hesitated.we set for another two days for the test.
I came back on thursday for various test. the blood test, the xray, the catscan and the fna rest.
The catscan was horrifying. When they inserted the fluid, I felt warm the whole body and panicky. I threw out right away after completing the scan.
next I was set to see dr yeo. I thought I will be on local anaesthetic while he performed the test, I was wrong. He simply poked the needle on my neck and that was it! It hurts! I remember squeezing the nurse hand as tight as I could possibly imagine. well, after I cried when they told me no LA, i figured they were much aware how scared I was..
the one day tests alone inserted nine needles on my body including thre times failures of finding my vein for the iv :(
...
result shud be out in a week time, but as dr yeo was scheduled for oversea trip, and plus I wanted my hubby to be there for the result too, we took two and half week to hear from dr yeo.
...
dr koh decided to give me a stronger antibiotics.
after two weeks, it din get any better.he wrote a referral letter to dr yeo,the ent head and neck specialist of pcmc.
...
my hubby wanted to be there on my first visit to dr yeo. but he was due for his offshore duties and stubborn me just wanted to go and see the doc and get over with it.
the day I waited for my name to be called upon, I was everything but ok. I even made a big scene when my hubby din called up as he we was caught up with work.
it was quick. he wanted to perform the fine needle aspiration test, or fna, they called it. he wanted to do it right away, but i hesitated.we set for another two days for the test.
I came back on thursday for various test. the blood test, the xray, the catscan and the fna rest.
The catscan was horrifying. When they inserted the fluid, I felt warm the whole body and panicky. I threw out right away after completing the scan.
next I was set to see dr yeo. I thought I will be on local anaesthetic while he performed the test, I was wrong. He simply poked the needle on my neck and that was it! It hurts! I remember squeezing the nurse hand as tight as I could possibly imagine. well, after I cried when they told me no LA, i figured they were much aware how scared I was..
the one day tests alone inserted nine needles on my body including thre times failures of finding my vein for the iv :(
...
result shud be out in a week time, but as dr yeo was scheduled for oversea trip, and plus I wanted my hubby to be there for the result too, we took two and half week to hear from dr yeo.
...
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
sangat kiasu me!
being ambitious me, i took the blame when aidan told me he's not in the list for the year-end award ceremony day in his scool this coming thursday. i blame myself to the extend i don't pray hard enough for my son's exam result that he's not shortlisted for any award!!!
...
kiasu me!!!
...
aidan has 'sufferred' enough! last two weeks was the exam weeks. when everybody kept telling me he was only eight, i kept pushing him to the max! the teacher called me four consecutive days asking me to pick aidan up because he vomitted while taking his exams! he has no fever, no cold and no anything illness.. he was just stressed out! demn, he was only 8!!!!!
...
it's not healthy at all!
...
anak3 mama semua pandai2.. dulu, masa kecik, mama aboh selalu dapat hadiah year end sebab score exam. so, last year aidan tak dapat any hadiah, despite of him scoring 100% for his english paper. so, this year, mama wanted to make sure aidan is in the list.
teruk nya mama.... bila pikir2 balik,aidan anak yang baik. obedient. when i said no games, ipads, iphones, TVs, cartoons for two weeks.. he followed instructions.. hari2 buat revision. bangun as early as 6am, balik lewat petang.. sambung buat revision. weekend pun tak keluar2 dok sebok study.
to the extend - paper arab KAFA die, die bukak buku teks. mula2, die ckp, buku tu terbukak.. lepas few hours being caught in guilty conscious, he admitted "sebenarnye, buku teks tu tak terbukak. aidan yang bukak. aidan nak tiru sebab aidan tak tau langsung nak jawab soklan".. mama punye saiko kan aidan, to the extend he cheated! malunya mama kat diri mama sendiri! bukan sebab aidan meniru. sebab mama dok ckp "aidan kene excel exam this year".. and that is what aidan is trying to do. to please mama.
aidan, nanti bila aidan baca blog mama ni, aidan kena tau.. mama sampai ari ni nangis bila ingat balik betapa solehnya anak sulung mama ni, dengar cakap mama, cuba nak ikut apa mama suruh, and even, mengaku buat salah sampai muntah2... mama terus doa aidan jadi anak soleh, insyaallah.
you did nothing wrong. i was! i should take the blame!!
i put it hard on you!
kesian kat aidan.
mama tau aidan budak bijak. sangat bijak.
mama kiasu.
mama mintak maaf sayang..maaf sgt2..
if you don't know by now, u should know,
i'm sooo proud of you, sayang, so very proud.
aidan dapat no 7 periksa KAFA.. budak pandai cam aidan je boleh buat camtu.. dah lah takde background apa2, masuk KAFA bile darjah 2, while kawan2 aidan yang lain semua mula dari darjah satu. mama tak tolong apa sangat with your KAFA revision. you done well sayang.
takpe la aidan nye nama tak masuk dalam anugerah cemerlang st john. betul, mama was hoping. tapi, mama tau, you've done you best.. you've take up the challenge sampai berhari2 cikgu tepon ckp aidan muntah kat sekolah though aidan tak demam or batuk or anything. mama tau, aidan stress.. budak 8 thn tak patut stress. semua sebab mama!
sorry my dear son.
...
before its too late, i should allow you to enjoy your childhood. explore and be better in what you are good at, not what i want you to be good in..
aidan tolong mama, ye sayang..
...
kiasu me!!!
...
aidan has 'sufferred' enough! last two weeks was the exam weeks. when everybody kept telling me he was only eight, i kept pushing him to the max! the teacher called me four consecutive days asking me to pick aidan up because he vomitted while taking his exams! he has no fever, no cold and no anything illness.. he was just stressed out! demn, he was only 8!!!!!
...
it's not healthy at all!
...
anak3 mama semua pandai2.. dulu, masa kecik, mama aboh selalu dapat hadiah year end sebab score exam. so, last year aidan tak dapat any hadiah, despite of him scoring 100% for his english paper. so, this year, mama wanted to make sure aidan is in the list.
teruk nya mama.... bila pikir2 balik,aidan anak yang baik. obedient. when i said no games, ipads, iphones, TVs, cartoons for two weeks.. he followed instructions.. hari2 buat revision. bangun as early as 6am, balik lewat petang.. sambung buat revision. weekend pun tak keluar2 dok sebok study.
to the extend - paper arab KAFA die, die bukak buku teks. mula2, die ckp, buku tu terbukak.. lepas few hours being caught in guilty conscious, he admitted "sebenarnye, buku teks tu tak terbukak. aidan yang bukak. aidan nak tiru sebab aidan tak tau langsung nak jawab soklan".. mama punye saiko kan aidan, to the extend he cheated! malunya mama kat diri mama sendiri! bukan sebab aidan meniru. sebab mama dok ckp "aidan kene excel exam this year".. and that is what aidan is trying to do. to please mama.
aidan, nanti bila aidan baca blog mama ni, aidan kena tau.. mama sampai ari ni nangis bila ingat balik betapa solehnya anak sulung mama ni, dengar cakap mama, cuba nak ikut apa mama suruh, and even, mengaku buat salah sampai muntah2... mama terus doa aidan jadi anak soleh, insyaallah.
you did nothing wrong. i was! i should take the blame!!
i put it hard on you!
kesian kat aidan.
mama tau aidan budak bijak. sangat bijak.
mama kiasu.
mama mintak maaf sayang..maaf sgt2..
if you don't know by now, u should know,
i'm sooo proud of you, sayang, so very proud.
aidan dapat no 7 periksa KAFA.. budak pandai cam aidan je boleh buat camtu.. dah lah takde background apa2, masuk KAFA bile darjah 2, while kawan2 aidan yang lain semua mula dari darjah satu. mama tak tolong apa sangat with your KAFA revision. you done well sayang.
takpe la aidan nye nama tak masuk dalam anugerah cemerlang st john. betul, mama was hoping. tapi, mama tau, you've done you best.. you've take up the challenge sampai berhari2 cikgu tepon ckp aidan muntah kat sekolah though aidan tak demam or batuk or anything. mama tau, aidan stress.. budak 8 thn tak patut stress. semua sebab mama!
sorry my dear son.
...
before its too late, i should allow you to enjoy your childhood. explore and be better in what you are good at, not what i want you to be good in..
aidan tolong mama, ye sayang..
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
t.h.i.r.t.y.s.i.x.
same old "it's been a while.."phrase would always be the start of any posting after this.. and before this..and before before this...
we malays or maybe malaysian always a drama in speech, kan..
before before
simply simply
many many
we love repeating the same word twice, or even more, just to make sure the message that we meant get across!
anyway.. am not going to start talking about those habit that have been embedded in our society since forever.
...
it was my 36th birthday last friday.
despite of my throbbing headache and gave me the excuse to got off from work with the sick leave, i was flattered to be reading my hubby's shoutout in the FB wall, right at 12 a.m. well, my hubby is not a kind of guy who leaves love messages in social networks... even he wanted to be extra romantic, he would PM me instead. being said that, the shoutout from him really do mean to me.. muchas gracias.
of course i must thanks those mates, be it close friends or not, who left the shoutouts on my FB wall and WA. I realized that, the older you get, these messages really mean something.. the expectation of getting a gift on your birthday not much of an expectation that you would highly hope on. the greetings were sufficient to brighten your days. not that to show how popular or un-popular you were. but, personally, getting these messages really meant you still have your buddies who remember you in your special days, though you might have not been speaking to her for ages.. on that special day, an abbreviate 'hb' really meant something... and when i replied 'tq' or even like-ing the comment, really meant i'm thankful for the thoughts. it really counts.
ok, of course it will be different for my hubby. in october, his cash will always need to be extra-spent on me. my car roadtax and insurance will always expire on the 23rd of the month, and i will definitely resort for him to pay up. and this year, i even PM him this nice mustard coach bag that i wanted to buy online under his account. and last week, i spend a dash of cash for another pair of bag, 'few' clothings and households just because it's my birthday month.. don't i love my hubby?:)
...
well, the morning of my birthday, as i was struggling with my headache, i heard a heartbreaking news. my colleague, a guy of 33yo, a biker himself, passed away due to road incidence. he was on his high range bike, to the office. a passer-by found his body lying by the roadside and his phone was crashed and no way to contact his immediate at that point of time. they saw his ID, and posted on FB if anyone knew the family. his photo was everywhere..and as i'm writing this, a flash of memory vividly emblazened in my mind. sedih! he was a dear friend. easy-going. and he just received a new baby ten days ago. i remembered the elevator jokes i made on him, on how thankful he should be as her kids took up her pretty wife face instead of him.. it seems like yesterday, and it feels weird passing by his workstation knowing he was no longer here, in this world..
on my birthday, it made me realized how lucky bitch i was to be alive, to be blessed by Allah with all the luxuries of wealth, health, beautiful smart children, loving hubby, supportive family and friends.. and still breathing.
on my birthday, and as the days go on, i know i haven't been thanking Allah enough, and that is what i should be doing right away.
...
we malays or maybe malaysian always a drama in speech, kan..
before before
simply simply
many many
we love repeating the same word twice, or even more, just to make sure the message that we meant get across!
anyway.. am not going to start talking about those habit that have been embedded in our society since forever.
...
it was my 36th birthday last friday.
despite of my throbbing headache and gave me the excuse to got off from work with the sick leave, i was flattered to be reading my hubby's shoutout in the FB wall, right at 12 a.m. well, my hubby is not a kind of guy who leaves love messages in social networks... even he wanted to be extra romantic, he would PM me instead. being said that, the shoutout from him really do mean to me.. muchas gracias.
of course i must thanks those mates, be it close friends or not, who left the shoutouts on my FB wall and WA. I realized that, the older you get, these messages really mean something.. the expectation of getting a gift on your birthday not much of an expectation that you would highly hope on. the greetings were sufficient to brighten your days. not that to show how popular or un-popular you were. but, personally, getting these messages really meant you still have your buddies who remember you in your special days, though you might have not been speaking to her for ages.. on that special day, an abbreviate 'hb' really meant something... and when i replied 'tq' or even like-ing the comment, really meant i'm thankful for the thoughts. it really counts.
ok, of course it will be different for my hubby. in october, his cash will always need to be extra-spent on me. my car roadtax and insurance will always expire on the 23rd of the month, and i will definitely resort for him to pay up. and this year, i even PM him this nice mustard coach bag that i wanted to buy online under his account. and last week, i spend a dash of cash for another pair of bag, 'few' clothings and households just because it's my birthday month.. don't i love my hubby?:)
...
well, the morning of my birthday, as i was struggling with my headache, i heard a heartbreaking news. my colleague, a guy of 33yo, a biker himself, passed away due to road incidence. he was on his high range bike, to the office. a passer-by found his body lying by the roadside and his phone was crashed and no way to contact his immediate at that point of time. they saw his ID, and posted on FB if anyone knew the family. his photo was everywhere..and as i'm writing this, a flash of memory vividly emblazened in my mind. sedih! he was a dear friend. easy-going. and he just received a new baby ten days ago. i remembered the elevator jokes i made on him, on how thankful he should be as her kids took up her pretty wife face instead of him.. it seems like yesterday, and it feels weird passing by his workstation knowing he was no longer here, in this world..
on my birthday, it made me realized how lucky bitch i was to be alive, to be blessed by Allah with all the luxuries of wealth, health, beautiful smart children, loving hubby, supportive family and friends.. and still breathing.
on my birthday, and as the days go on, i know i haven't been thanking Allah enough, and that is what i should be doing right away.
...
Sunday, September 22, 2013
irfan sofean
I posted this in my notes in FB on 20 Jan 2010
...
I have doubts publishing what I want to write next.. By publishing it, I might have touched hearts that might not be heal forever, I might even cried whenever I think of it.. and why must I write something that is so hurtful and let tears flowing and keep reminding us about sob stories...
But, after few days, I still think I need to write what I want to write.
She knew her husband since they were thirteen, when they were just kids going to the same school. She was madly in love with him, the only guy that she knew and learned about love, which may be one of the reason we didn't talk much about boys as all she can talked about were him, him and him...the only guy that she've known for the last fourteen years.
They got married last year.It was a lovely wedding.By end of this month, they are celebrating their first wedding anniversary. After three HCG-stick test, she was tested positive. She was very excited. It was supposed to be the best wedding anniversary that one can asked for... After nearly a year of waiting eagerly, a life was formed in her, and she was so happy. I've been there, twice, and there's nothing that word can describe, the mixed feelings of the happiness in preparing oneself to bring a life to the world, the worries to have the best of it and the mysteries of caring a human being in your body... Her husband was so excited as well, of course. He forced her to eat all she can, to ensure she is well-fed with nutritious food. He bought her tonnes and tonnes of soya drinks, milks, cereals and all he could think of.
Only to find out that, the spotting that she's been having were not normal implantation bleeding. Their first gynea visit did not turned out like how it should be. I was in a meeting with the VP when she called. I did not answer it the first time. I text her, telling I was in a meeting, and just text me if she wanted to share any news. She insisted in calling.. I sensed something not right. I picked up her phone, and she was crying. She told me they have scheduled for her operation to be at 3pm. And I stumbled. It was an ectopic pregnancy. The baby was on the left tube and at ninth week this was totally not right. Two hours after she was in the OT, we were under the impression that the baby has been removed, safely, and the gynea managed to avoid open surgery and the tube was still intact. The baby that came out was so tiny. It was like a piece of meat, and nothing more. So tiny and no human form physically. We were ok. And the next morning, she text me as I was in the office. She said, her tube was badly damage that the doctor had to remove it. And I lost control. I was crying along the way, just because I knew I could definitely not be as strong as she has to. And she is a strong girl. She was 'removed' from her boarding school for getting less As than she supposed too, and she still strong. She did not score her SPM and the result were so bad that she has no choice but to go to non-certified college, and she still strong. She was on Dean's list and planning to further her studies in UK but not getting any scholar because the course she was taking was not 'critical' course despite of her marvellous result, and she still strong. She worked as a general worker in Tesco Manchester, and she still strong.. And today, she supposed to be 'berpantang' like all new-mothers, but without her baby... and I knew she still standing strong....She is just not me.
She will cry. She will give up once a while. She will asks why did these happen to her. She will not understand what had happened. She will wonder if she will ever have the chance to be happy.
With her husband, loyally and lovingly be there for her. With her families who love her no matter what no matter how. With all the prayers. I want her to know there's future, a happy ending. I want her to know that the baby she's been carrying for the past nine weeks was a lovely baby, anak bertuah. One day, she'll be sharing the story to her children, telling that she are blessed with her kids because of this baby.
Sayang, my dear friend was telling me " God won't test us if He thinks we can't go through it".. Maha Besar Allah Yang Maha Mengetahui...and He knows you are strong enough to go through all this.
There's always a blessing of what had happened. And please know, we all do love you very much. Stay strong, dear.
...
as i was reading the notes, i cried.
and today, i cried again.
i was literally meraung!!!
...
hari ni, she's been tested with another dugaan Allah.
irfan sofean (i'm not even sure if i ever got the spelling right, but it's for sure a beautiful name for a beautiful healthy boy)... he has always been healthy.. cuma umur die tak panjang. tak sempat mama ain nak peluk cium dia.. tak sempat mama irfan sendiri nak peluk cium die!!
...
my baby sister, she got no where but to be strong. but even i got tired trying to compute what she has to go through!
...
after her ectopic pregnancy, they were blessed with beautiful hyper iris sofea. we both gone thru the trimesters as i was pregnant as well. best ada geng pregnant sesama. though they were alert about her uti, sugar content and everything, she went thru and iris was a charm.
a year after, as they were trying for their next baby, and conceived,we were all very happy.but it didn't last long. at week 10, or maybe wk 12, they faced with miscarriage. i couldn't believe when she broke the news. ujian Allah untuk hamba-Nya. she was always strong.
and again, 9 months ago, she conceived. they were expecting a baby boy. we were esctatic!!!
...
they are in bintulu. yeen had it all plan. to deliver in bintulu, to wait for few days only she will come back to kl for her maternity. she is so strong. she had everything fixed herself. the maid, the nanny, the hospital.. everything. sikit pun tak nyusahkan kitorang.
pagi tadi, the waterbag broke. at 8am, they went to the hospital. she was 2cm dilating. at 10am, fifi told me the baby's heartbeat was dropping and doc decided to perform c-sec. at around 11, fifi called. it was the hardest shortest teleconversation we had. the baby passed away. 'saya tak tau macam mana nak bagitau yeen, kak'.. even at the point me writing this, i still don't know how fifi told his lovely wife about the news.
tapi semua dah selesai. baby irfan dah selamat dikebumikan. bertuah sungguh dia. anak soleh. dia tunggu mama ayah dia di pintu syurga nanti.
betul, siapa kita, insan kerdil yang mampu menolak takdir. jodoh pertemuan, ajal maut, semua hak Allah. He has a better plan for my sis, her hubby, kakak iris n baby irfan. baby irfan anak bertuah. tho at the early pregnancy still ada complication, he gone thru it with his mama sesihat mampu. baby irfan will surely be missed. tak sempat nak main bola dengan abg aidan, abg aimar. apa2 pun, baby irfan anak bijak, tak menyusahkan mama ayah. yang pastinya, baby irfan will always be a reason for mama ayah kak iris dan adik2 nanti (insyaallah) untuk keep flying back to bintulu. alfatihah.
...
my baby sister, you lived thru with one ovary's tube at the age of 28.
my baby sister, you witnessed that fetus of yours flushed away and got confused when they said you had your miscarriage at the age of 30.
my baby sister, you had your tummy cut, they removed your sweet lil baby, but you didn't have a chance to hold him dearly..at the age of 31!
syg adik akak, akak tau tau apa pesan boleh akak bagi,
akak tak tau apa kata penyedap hati,
akak tipu kalau akak suruh jangan sedih bila akak sendiri tak boleh berhenti menangis dari pagi tadi..
syg adik akak, nangis lah sayang. nangis sepuasnya. nangis sampai nanti kering airmata. nangis lah kalau itu ubatnya. bukan kita mendengki takdir. bukan kite menyumpah nasib. kita akur acara Allah memang yang terbaik untuk kita. cuma buat saat ini, lepas berzikir selawat menenang hati, kita nangis. kalau lah itu antara cara mendekatkan kita dengan Dia dan si kecil itu.
...
I have doubts publishing what I want to write next.. By publishing it, I might have touched hearts that might not be heal forever, I might even cried whenever I think of it.. and why must I write something that is so hurtful and let tears flowing and keep reminding us about sob stories...
But, after few days, I still think I need to write what I want to write.
She knew her husband since they were thirteen, when they were just kids going to the same school. She was madly in love with him, the only guy that she knew and learned about love, which may be one of the reason we didn't talk much about boys as all she can talked about were him, him and him...the only guy that she've known for the last fourteen years.
They got married last year.It was a lovely wedding.By end of this month, they are celebrating their first wedding anniversary. After three HCG-stick test, she was tested positive. She was very excited. It was supposed to be the best wedding anniversary that one can asked for... After nearly a year of waiting eagerly, a life was formed in her, and she was so happy. I've been there, twice, and there's nothing that word can describe, the mixed feelings of the happiness in preparing oneself to bring a life to the world, the worries to have the best of it and the mysteries of caring a human being in your body... Her husband was so excited as well, of course. He forced her to eat all she can, to ensure she is well-fed with nutritious food. He bought her tonnes and tonnes of soya drinks, milks, cereals and all he could think of.
Only to find out that, the spotting that she's been having were not normal implantation bleeding. Their first gynea visit did not turned out like how it should be. I was in a meeting with the VP when she called. I did not answer it the first time. I text her, telling I was in a meeting, and just text me if she wanted to share any news. She insisted in calling.. I sensed something not right. I picked up her phone, and she was crying. She told me they have scheduled for her operation to be at 3pm. And I stumbled. It was an ectopic pregnancy. The baby was on the left tube and at ninth week this was totally not right. Two hours after she was in the OT, we were under the impression that the baby has been removed, safely, and the gynea managed to avoid open surgery and the tube was still intact. The baby that came out was so tiny. It was like a piece of meat, and nothing more. So tiny and no human form physically. We were ok. And the next morning, she text me as I was in the office. She said, her tube was badly damage that the doctor had to remove it. And I lost control. I was crying along the way, just because I knew I could definitely not be as strong as she has to. And she is a strong girl. She was 'removed' from her boarding school for getting less As than she supposed too, and she still strong. She did not score her SPM and the result were so bad that she has no choice but to go to non-certified college, and she still strong. She was on Dean's list and planning to further her studies in UK but not getting any scholar because the course she was taking was not 'critical' course despite of her marvellous result, and she still strong. She worked as a general worker in Tesco Manchester, and she still strong.. And today, she supposed to be 'berpantang' like all new-mothers, but without her baby... and I knew she still standing strong....She is just not me.
She will cry. She will give up once a while. She will asks why did these happen to her. She will not understand what had happened. She will wonder if she will ever have the chance to be happy.
With her husband, loyally and lovingly be there for her. With her families who love her no matter what no matter how. With all the prayers. I want her to know there's future, a happy ending. I want her to know that the baby she's been carrying for the past nine weeks was a lovely baby, anak bertuah. One day, she'll be sharing the story to her children, telling that she are blessed with her kids because of this baby.
Sayang, my dear friend was telling me " God won't test us if He thinks we can't go through it".. Maha Besar Allah Yang Maha Mengetahui...and He knows you are strong enough to go through all this.
There's always a blessing of what had happened. And please know, we all do love you very much. Stay strong, dear.
...
as i was reading the notes, i cried.
and today, i cried again.
i was literally meraung!!!
...
hari ni, she's been tested with another dugaan Allah.
irfan sofean (i'm not even sure if i ever got the spelling right, but it's for sure a beautiful name for a beautiful healthy boy)... he has always been healthy.. cuma umur die tak panjang. tak sempat mama ain nak peluk cium dia.. tak sempat mama irfan sendiri nak peluk cium die!!
...
my baby sister, she got no where but to be strong. but even i got tired trying to compute what she has to go through!
...
after her ectopic pregnancy, they were blessed with beautiful hyper iris sofea. we both gone thru the trimesters as i was pregnant as well. best ada geng pregnant sesama. though they were alert about her uti, sugar content and everything, she went thru and iris was a charm.
a year after, as they were trying for their next baby, and conceived,we were all very happy.but it didn't last long. at week 10, or maybe wk 12, they faced with miscarriage. i couldn't believe when she broke the news. ujian Allah untuk hamba-Nya. she was always strong.
and again, 9 months ago, she conceived. they were expecting a baby boy. we were esctatic!!!
...
they are in bintulu. yeen had it all plan. to deliver in bintulu, to wait for few days only she will come back to kl for her maternity. she is so strong. she had everything fixed herself. the maid, the nanny, the hospital.. everything. sikit pun tak nyusahkan kitorang.
pagi tadi, the waterbag broke. at 8am, they went to the hospital. she was 2cm dilating. at 10am, fifi told me the baby's heartbeat was dropping and doc decided to perform c-sec. at around 11, fifi called. it was the hardest shortest teleconversation we had. the baby passed away. 'saya tak tau macam mana nak bagitau yeen, kak'.. even at the point me writing this, i still don't know how fifi told his lovely wife about the news.
tapi semua dah selesai. baby irfan dah selamat dikebumikan. bertuah sungguh dia. anak soleh. dia tunggu mama ayah dia di pintu syurga nanti.
betul, siapa kita, insan kerdil yang mampu menolak takdir. jodoh pertemuan, ajal maut, semua hak Allah. He has a better plan for my sis, her hubby, kakak iris n baby irfan. baby irfan anak bertuah. tho at the early pregnancy still ada complication, he gone thru it with his mama sesihat mampu. baby irfan will surely be missed. tak sempat nak main bola dengan abg aidan, abg aimar. apa2 pun, baby irfan anak bijak, tak menyusahkan mama ayah. yang pastinya, baby irfan will always be a reason for mama ayah kak iris dan adik2 nanti (insyaallah) untuk keep flying back to bintulu. alfatihah.
...
my baby sister, you lived thru with one ovary's tube at the age of 28.
my baby sister, you witnessed that fetus of yours flushed away and got confused when they said you had your miscarriage at the age of 30.
my baby sister, you had your tummy cut, they removed your sweet lil baby, but you didn't have a chance to hold him dearly..at the age of 31!
syg adik akak, akak tau tau apa pesan boleh akak bagi,
akak tak tau apa kata penyedap hati,
akak tipu kalau akak suruh jangan sedih bila akak sendiri tak boleh berhenti menangis dari pagi tadi..
syg adik akak, nangis lah sayang. nangis sepuasnya. nangis sampai nanti kering airmata. nangis lah kalau itu ubatnya. bukan kita mendengki takdir. bukan kite menyumpah nasib. kita akur acara Allah memang yang terbaik untuk kita. cuma buat saat ini, lepas berzikir selawat menenang hati, kita nangis. kalau lah itu antara cara mendekatkan kita dengan Dia dan si kecil itu.
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