Wednesday, July 1, 2015

ramadhan, u ols.

well, it has been a long pause, again.
i will bore people with this post, but then, what the heck, it is meant for me to share with my circle of friends. i'm sure they would love to read about my out and about.
i wrote that paragraph weeks ago, i didn't have the 'energy' to even complete it.

i missed the three first three days of ramadhan. i was soooo sick. i couldn't do anything but lied on the bed. i didn't even have the energy to go the toilet. but i couldn't fast as i need lots of water. i couldn't eat or chew anything. throughout the three days, i remembered the food that went through my throat was only the dates that my husband 'forced' me to eat and helped to remove the seed and just let me chewed whatever i can. it was horrible. especially when everybody is sooo looking forward for fasting, and there i was, lying on my bed.
i pitied my kids the most.

my ears was infected. but, it surely has getting much better after the antibiotic i took. the were traces of blood but it was 'nothing'.

and now, i'm back on my feet.
i miss ramadhan.
this year was quite tiring for me.
all i did was sleep all day, all night.
i wake up to send aivey to school and picked the children back. and most of the time, i only resorted for bazaar ramadhan food for breaking the fast. i sympatized my hubby and children. whilst most mom, especially those who stay at home, resorted to have nice food on the table, i still struggling to adhere to that. but, i'm happy that the least i could prepare sahur for them. at least, once i got my food intake, i could spare some energy to cook before i go to bed.
my husband has been very good, as always. he never complains. he brings food on the table. there were times i felt ashamed as i wasn't a good enough wife to him.
sedih, terkilan, ralat..
semua rasa ada.

my gastrick is not getting any better.
but i guess, i got so used to cramping and holding my stomach tight and it will just be gone in no time.
i'm not complaining.
i want everybody who read this, who has the energy and time, just cherish the moment. do whatever you could do.
ramadhan bulan untuk beribadah.
trust me, i felt the emptiness bila nak solat 2-rakaat pun dah rasa terhuyung-hayang.
jeles bila tengok nak bangun sahur and my hubby was on the prayer mat.
jeles bila tengok anak-anak pergi surau ngan aboh nak solat jemaah.
belum sempat lagi.
mintak berkat tempias jugak sikit2.

one thing i learn about being in a remission - as they would put it for us, the treated cancer patient, life won't be the same.. at least for the next five, or maybe ten years.
to me, it's time i'm trying to understand the signal of my body trying to tell me. at some instance, there'll be fluid coming out from ears, there'll be constant runny nose, there'll be dried tongue, there'll be uncontrollable coldness and many others. one thing for sure, betapa kasihNya Allah, it never came simultaneously. the body is smart enough to 'take turn' who and which the pain will be.

another thing about remission, you just don't know how you would want to answer the question 'how are you?'. to friends that i'm closed to, i like to tell them 'i'm ok but i'm tired and sick of being sick and tired'. i don't intend to buy their sympathy. i know they care. and they keep telling me 'you are strong'.

i doubt that i'm strong.
i trust it's all Allah's way of constant reminder to me of things i've done and thing's i should be doing.
as i've been talking with other cancer patient, 'kita ni special, allah sayang kat kita yang dok peringatkan kita dunia ni kejap je, tak lari mana. bila kite sakit, dunia terus berjalan, dan kita sorang lah kat situ. tu sebab, bila kita sakit, lagi banyak kita ingat mana dunia mana akhirat.'

appreciate life kawan-kawan!
appreciate your health. baru umur 37thn, jalan dari parking level P2, naik lift pergi concourse and jalan to the other side of the mall took all my breath away. saat isetan dok memanggil-manggil masuk store depa sebab ada sale, i resorted for a good fifteen minutes seat and decided to go back sebab penat.
so, those who are still in the pink of health, make use of it to the good.
it won't be late when it's gone, but the the feeling of 'i should have done this when i was in a good health' might not be the best feeling ever.

untuk kawan-kawan yang tengah go through remission, tengah treatment dan tengah tunggu treatment,
true, semua yang sihat is impressed with us.
true, semua yang ada sympathised and felt us,
but, i know, what we've gone thru is indescribable.
we can explain to our onco what we felt.
we can tell our spouse how we felt.
but we felt.

just be strong
He is there.

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