i wrote this few weeks back.
i hope this would give me some peace.
it has been bugging me all days and weeks.
i feel frustrated.
i've been preaching sabar and the sweetness of forgiving and how Merciful Allah SWT is, and yet, i find it a struggle for me to walk the talk.
being a libra, i thought i could forgive easily.
apparently, i was wrong!
i misunderstood myself.
at times me writing this, i'm just mad.
i'm mad at myself,
i'm mad at fakers,
i'm mad at people who pretend to care,
i'm mad at people who is arrogant,
i'm just mad.
this is bad.
i wanted the best life, dunia akhirat.
and being mad at people is definitely not the way to close the gap between me and Allah.
for whatever, it will surely make it worst.
i read how sabar rasullah saw and all his sahabat were.
i couldn't compute how human being could have so much sabar.
but then, we know Maha Besar Allah... they were so close to Allah and the Deen, and of course Allah is close to them too...
that is all i wanted.
to be close to Him.
i read of how to be close to Him.
all i have to do is istighfar, always have Him in whatever, do what he ask to do, sabar and syukur.
be good to people.
all those common sense that we can do if we want to.
and i just realized, those natural common sense things we should be doing is hard enough when you have an unhealthy heart.
ya Allah, i seek forgiveness from You ar-Rahman ar-Rahim..
please let me have a clean heart.
as i'm writing this,
i'm mad. very mad.
one of the thing being a good muslim is to give forgiveness. afterall, as abang reminded me, don't we want Allah to forgive us?
if only is that easy.
Allah, please give me strength.
i'm an easy person. i adapt well with people and people loves me (some may not la). i don't take matters seriously and don't take things personally. i'm so forgetful that i sometimes forget that i have to be rude to some people who were harsh to me but i didn't. i thought i have forgave and forgotten. i thought i forgive easily.
apparently, i'm not.
as i'm writing this, i was reminded how horrible a person has been treating me nine years ago.
to that person, who might be reading this as i'm sure she would and she would know i meant her, yes, i mean you. i'm sorry for all that i would be writing. i thought i have forgiven you and i thought i have forgotten what have done to me.
but sadly, i don't.
i really want to.
i want to be that winner who forgiveno matter whose fault it is.
but i can't.
it's heartbreaking to know how weak i am.
i always knew deep inside, i am strong.
i get what i want.
and this time, i just want to forgive you.
but it seems so impossible.
i was in the labour room, my hubby was still offshore and my parents are 800km away from me. my son was only one year and nine month. all i need was someone who called upon herself a sister to be near me. it wasn't easy. my baby was premat and the hospital was not convenient. and i was there for three nights and not even once that she came and visited me. perhaps, that's how she treats all her friends who seems like a sister to her, i guess.
that was nine years ago. i knew i've confronted her and told her i didn't understand why she didn't bother visiting me. she couldn't give me any answer. i forgave you. and so i thought.
shame on me!
after nearly a decade, the memory of her 'abandoning' me; flashed back in my memory land.
i won't be reminded of such horrible even if she didn't remind it of late. she did, not directly and intentionally, but she did and she sucked!
when she texted me teling me that had a fight with her hub, the usual complained had; i treated it normal. but it all went wrong when; with no guilt and respect; she had gut to told me upfront thant they were fighting because of me & my hubby!!
what were you thinking?
what do you expect me to say?
how do you think i should react??
i should have known you nine years ago!!! i should have known you are just that faker who wore that smile just so you could escaped confrontation.
yesterday, you and your hubby drove all the way up to our place for the good 3 hours drive, just to pay us a visit. please accept my apology for i wasn't a good host. i needed you to know, i plan to be a good one but your insincerity was too transparent and i was just not good a faker as you are.
what you did was wrong and i was mad. at least, that's what i felt.
you should have know better la. for the good ten years, at least, i was the one you consulted whenever you have issues with yourself and your marriage. your marriage was always seems to be at the brinks because of others; because your in-laws, your hubby and all; but never you! and now, all that you were complaining was about me! how could anyone digest that? if you don't have any heart, could you at least endowed your brain?
is that how you treat a so-called sister cum friend?
is that how you treat a human?
o, stop your act.
you might meant well when you came and visited us for that few hours,
but i still couldn't compute how your brain works.
I'm sorry for i suck in handling my emotions.
I'm sorry for i was being such a horrible host.
and i'm sorry for i just couldn't find the means to forgive and forget!
it's just unacceptable!