Saturday, January 20, 2018

putus

keras yakin kau benar dan 'itu' yang harus diperlakukan
"bukan aku yang memutuskan,
 tapi mereka yang berdengkian,
dihalangnya dari menemukan"

tapi mereka pula mula berbunyi
"ya, memang benar yang menghalang pertemuan itu kami
tak perlu bertemu janji
jika bersyarat yang disengketakan di simpan di lubuk hati
tak perlu diungkit dihakimi
betul ke itu boleh menjadi?"

...


siapa memula siapa memutuskan?
sebelah pihak berkeras ingin membetulkan kekeliruan,
mahu diajak berbincang, minta dijawab segala pertanyaan
kalau betul salahnya mereka, harus dikhabarkan
supaya diperbetulkan
sebab kalau tunggu nak diungkit di waktu kiraan amalan,
allahu, alangkah ruginya manusia!
kau kata kau sayang, tapi kau yang menganiya!
bila kau tak menegur, bermakna kau rela mereka muflis bila menghadap ya Robb!

sebelah lagi berkeras ingin semua disimpan,
takpelah, lambat laun semua lupa diam terhumban
kononnya tidak mengapa, hakikatnya menyumpah seranah
kononnya aku yang teraniya, hakikatnya kau menyombong tak ke sudah
kononnya Demi Tuhan, hakikatnya tak pernah kau faham segala Firman
watawaa sau bil haq - berpesan dengan kebenaran!
mana pesanmu? mana benarmu?
senyapmu, bisumu, hanya membuat mereka keliru
wallahi, itu tidak membantu, mereka atau kamu..
katakanlah sungguh boleh terpadam dengan waktu.
kau sendiri gagal memadamkan biarpun dah sedekad email itu berlalu!
percayalah wahai si hati batu,
manusia ini lemah, takkan mungkin boleh terpadam begitu...
lama disimpan dipendam, macam bom jangka, meletup ia bila tiba waktu!

...
kau mungkin rasa bukan kau yang memutuskan
tapi degilnya kepala, busuknya hati, murahnya harga darah itu...
kau masih tak rasa perlu bertemu, tak perlu diperjelas segala seteru...
bukan kau yang tak izinkan mereka bertemu...
tapi mereka yang minta begitu..
itu fikirmu..

hina sungguh kau letak pintar mu
kerja gah di tempat yang indah
pangkat hebat bergaji lima angka hasil keringat
kau masih mampu berfikir, berbincang bukan jalannya..

kalau kau percaya pada syahadahmu
buka balik buku yang satu
tilik satu-persatu
apa sebab at-taubah tak diawali bismillah
apa sebab diceritakan perihal hudaibiyah
apa sebab kau kena faham sejarah
apa sebab kau kena tahu bermusyawarah
apa sebab kau mengangkat syahadah

...
tak, mereka tak betul,
mungkin kau tak salah;
tapi, kalau kau terlalu dangkal,
tak rasa perlu nak berbicara segala perihal
itu dah sombong namanya
hati mereka tak bersih, maka setiap doa setiap rukuk setiap sujud mereka mengharap ampun belas At-Taubah Ar-Rahim
mungkin kau mahu mencuba.... takut terlalu banyak titik hitam, hingga kau lupa jalan pulang.


Friday, January 19, 2018

Alhamdullilah, Aimar is OK!


I was doing the (neverending) housekeeping and putting aside books that I could give to the class library. I realized this book is new and I don’t  remember buying it for the boys.

I opened the first page and saw these notes - and I was reminded of the time Aimar came back from school one day, last year, excitedly telling me that Tchr Nadzirah gave him the book as a reward. I never knew there was a special notes for Aimar and reading it the first time gave me mixed happy guilty feelings...

I felt in love reading the notes. A stranger who never knew us, twelve months ago was putting comforting words to my dear son and it is soooo genuine and she meant well.

Subhanallah. Sayang Allah dekat kami, diberinya peluang bertemu dengan orang baik-baik. Cikgu ni, she's not the only one... Terlalu ramai cikgu2 Khalifah yang terlalu baik hati dengan anak2 saya, and truthfully, I could hardly pay their ingenuity and love with any amounts of material goods... my best gift would be doa mereka bahagia, doa mereka disediakan syurga - to some, this may sound 'cheapskate', but I know, all I want in life is bahagia and syurga and I believe doa works ...Insyaallah, ArGhaffur ArRahim Maha Mendengar dan Maha Mengetahui.

Back to the notes, as I kept on reading, I realized how we, adults kept forgetting that sometimes children are the best teachers to us instead! Never shut them off, please.


the first page was all sweet and ooohhh and aahhhhh

and I was teary after reading this page. Dear Teacher, please know that Aimar kept asking his mama "macamana? macamana?" too; and the different between you and me, you realized the need to answer that question while I 'shut ' him off by 'forcing' him to sabar, mintak doa, control yourself, behave and all those things that are in the book and everyone else can comply and so should him, me forgetting to wear Aimar's shoes when I instructed him to sabar. I realized Aimar stop asking me THE question, and reading your noted made me feel so guilty to him and I do really owe him a lengthy explanation bonding time to take up time (lots and lots and lots) teaching him macammana - a learning process, always for him, me and all of us..so that he would get the answer, one day, Insyaallah. 


I wish the teacher who gave Aimar this note read this post.. I will personally thank her when the opportunity comes, but I just want her to know I can never thank her enough for all the budi she sow in Aimar's, penuh ikhlas, penuh kasih. Terima kasih, Teacher.  

Dear Aimar, when you are big enough and manage to find your own time reading this post, find the best time in your life to thank all your teachers knowing how much they put their hopes and dreams and love on you. Dear Aimar, you'll do great and you will remember you are great for Allah has allowed you to meet all these beautiful teachers in our life, Alhamdullillah. 

.......
Aimar! O, Aimar!
I felt so guilty and I really owe this post to him. He is going to be 11yo this October. He has surely have his own 'brand' of himself ... 
sapa buat? Aimar! 
sapa jatuh? Aimar! 
sapa duduk tak diam? Aimar! 
sapa teacher nak jumpe? Aimar!
... but I kept forgetting when he came back from school and kept updating me 
"ma, hari ni solat zohor, Aimar jadi imam"
 "ma, tadi asar Aimar muazzin"
 "ma, teacher bagi cokelat ni sebab Aimar jawab soalan semua betul"
 "ma, Aimar nak hafal Al-Waqiah lagi 15ayat je lagi"
... astaghfirullahhilazim... that Aimar is second after the Aimar yang tertinggal homework kat sekolah :(

Aimar, mama mintak maaf!

Two days ago, in the car, Aimar was making conversations with Aboh. 
"Aboh, masa Ta'ruf week kan, Teacher Huda panggil nama 5 orang students. Dia suruh pergi tepi. Lepas tu dia panggil Aimar dulu. Aimar dah dalam hati ingat apalah masalah Aimar dah buat!"
"Aimar buat apa?" Aboh tanye.
"Rupanya, Teacher Huda nak bagi recognition sebab Aimar has been good and Teacher suruh show lagi best example untuk adik-adik!"
I remembered him telling me that weeks ago, but I forgot to tell my husband and I felt so guilty.  I would usually tell my husband right away on good (or bad) achievements (or issues) the children did so that we could thanked, recognized and encouraged (and also warned, if need be) them to be at their best. 
For forgetting to tell my husband immediately on his credits, and he has to tell it himself, I knew I owe him an apology - I did tell him I'm sorry as I forgot to tell aboh and I told him we were proud of him...but I knew, I was a bit 'late' in rewarding him.

Semalam, there were Syeikh Kamal (A US Scholar) came to the school for a meet &greet session with the students. He was talking about halal and haram. Alhamdullillah, I had the opportunity to listen to his sharing, and I saw Aimar was waving at me when he saw me. And I was like..emmm... duduk belakang! 

How wrong my impression of my own flesh and blood... he was sitting at the back.. so what?.. On that day, Subhanallah, Maha Besar Allah, saja Allah nak tunjuk how doa works... I have been praying that Aimar could control and carries himself well  in public.. Ada anak super-active macam Aimar ni, kekadang risau gak.. 

Listen to this clip ( Aimar's moment with Syeikh Kamal)... 

That morning, I witnessed the kindness of Ar-Rahim. His kindness to Aimar, to me and his dad. Alhamdullillah. Yup! Aimar nailed it!

                                                


Nope, it may not be a big thing. Rezeki Allah nak tunjuk tetiba datang idea dia nak jawab 'perfectly' (aboh cakap dia dapat soalan bocor sebab aboh pernah discuss dengan dia and AbgDan soalan tu masa on the way balik surau).. And that doesn't mean by giving great answer, he would stop moving around and spills things off or slips himself out of the blue... But Allah showed me betapa setiap anak itu amanah dan rahmat! 
And Aimar is our amanah and rahmat. 
Alhamdullillah. 

....
Hmm... tetibe, mama rasa banyak pulak posting panjang-leret pasal Aimar dalam blog ni....

Sayang, just want to let you know, you are special, in your own way, just like Abg Aidan and Aivey are special in their own way too.... 

For whatever, mama aboh never stop berdoa for all of you become the great khalifah of Allah, amalkan amar makruf nahi mungkar, dan jadi penyambung zuriat kami dan lahirkan zuriat yang soleh solehah untuk keturunan mama aboh. Insyaallah. 




Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Yang Terindah

Daqmie; Yang Terindah


Back in 2010, I used to love this song very much!
It's a theme song of the drama series that was the talk of the town at that moment.

I heard it again two days ago, while ironing.
I have stop watching drama series for quite a while, now, and I don't intend to watch any of its kind again... That'll be a long post to talk how damging our malay drama series nowadays (and even before)...

But I guess, I must agree with my husband who told me "kes cerai, gaduh laki bini mertua, anak derhaka maki bapak, zina and all semua datang dari TV3"..of course, he meant the malay drama series... ehem...

Anyway, back to the song that I heard it while ironing and browsing through Astro OASIS, in one of the hadith series... I saw the artist singing the song...

I heard every words of every lines...
I remembered how I vividly saw the vision of the actor and actress of Adamaya (The 'adam' in a man) when I first heard it back in 2010.
This time, I shed my tears...
Subhanallah.. this song is more than that!
How wasted I have been for not realizing it the first time I heard eight years ago.

....
Lillahitaala..

Semenjak kau hadir dalam hidupku
Tiada lagi keresahan
Kau mengetuk pintu hatiku
Tanpa sedar hingga ku izinkan

Kau yang bernama cinta
Kau yang memberi rasa
Kau yang ilhamkan bahagia
Hingga aku terasa indah

Maaf jika ku tidak sempurna
Tika bahagia mula menjelma
Bila keyakinan datang merasa
Kasih disalut dengan kejujuran

Mencintai dirimu
Merindui dirimu
Memiliki dirimu
Hingga akhir hayat bersama kamu

Kau yang bernama cinta
Hingga aku rasa indah

Untuk anak-anak mama, please know, setiap kali mama doa untuk anak-anak yang soleh solehah, yang akan jadi khalifah Allah yang banyak amalnya sepanjang hidup kalian, setiap kali itulah mama berdoa 'Ya Allah, aku banyak melakukan dosa sepanjang hidup mudaku. Aku menzalimi diriku. Dan Kau masih sayang padaku. Masakan kau tak kasih jika kau masih menyempatkan aku untuk mengangkat kedua tangan ku ini di hadapanMu dan berdoa... Ya Allah, lindungi anak-anak kami dari segala fitnah syaitan, dunia, hidup, mati dan fitnah dajal. Ya Allah, jangan kau biarkan anak-anak kami melakukan segala dosa-dosa yang pernah kami lakukan, dan jangan kau bebani ibu ayah kami atas dosa-dosa kami semasa kami muda remaja dulu.'

My sins were overbearing! Setiap kali doa, setiap kali derai air mata, setiap kali taubat, masih perit mengenangkan 'kalaulah Allah tak ampunkan dosa-dosaku dan tak redha padaku. Nauzubillah'.

I remembered telling my dad last month 'kalau cancer ni datang balik, kalau ain sakit lagi, ain tak nak dah buat chemo. ain tak kuat dah bah. ain tak larat.' Abah was crying. Abah, Mama, Abang,,,, tiga nikmat Allah bagi padaku, masa aku terlantar menahan siksa sakit peritnya racun yang masuk ke dalam badanku. Setiap sesaat aku batuk, setiap seminit aku muntah, bergegas mereka menjenguk, biarpun tak banyak yang boleh mereka lakukan.... biarpun pada pukul 3:58pagi.... selama aku berjaga, selama itu mereka berjaga... Dan hingga hari ni, Ya Allah, aku pohon Ya Allah, ampunkan dosa-dosa mereka, dan jangan kau bebani mereka dengan dosa-dasa aku Ya Ghaffur.

Sebenarnya, rahmat Allah datang bila hadirnya cancer di belakang hidung ini.
Alhamdullillah....
Kalaulah tak datang cancer tu, aku pasti masih bekerja di pejabat 80 tingkat itu, masih dengan blouse ketat melekat di dada, dan skirt betul-betul atas lutut... masih dengan rambut merah dengan garisan-garisan kuning blonde. Masih takde masa untuk anak-anak dan suami.
Bila mula sakit empat tahun lepas, abang terus mula buat hukum mandatory 'pakai tudung atau tak payah berubat langsung!'
Masa tu, marahnye aku.. aku masih dengan akal dangkal. Aku masih berkeras... 'Hidayah tu milik Allah. Kalau Dia nak bagi, manje pakailah tudung tu..Ni nak paksa-paksa, dah jadi tak ikhlas lak!'
Abang cakap 'kalau tak paksa, bila lagi nak pakai tutup aurat ikut perintah Allah? Nak tunggu mati?'
Itu dia hidayah!
Subhanallah.... menangis berjurai-jurai...... kalaulah aku mati esok, masih 'bertelanjang bulat' dan layakkah aku nak marah pada Si Pemilik Yang Haq "kenapa tak kau beri aku hidayah seumur hidupku?"

Dari cancer lah, sikit-sikit, Allah Yang Pengasih, kasi aku nampak dan dengar. It's funny how the radiotherapy has made my hearing deteriorate sikit, sikit... but I can definitely hears Him clearly now.

Bila Allah tunjuk jalan, semua indah.
Sungguh.
Bila sedih, bila resah, bila marah, bila geram, bila serabut, bila kecewa... terus zikir... kalau tak jadi gak, terus ke toilet, berwudhu'.. by the wudhu', dah sejuk rasa hati...tapi kekadang, bila wudhu' pun masih tak jalan, pasangkan telekung... bentang sejadah... angkat takbir.... dan nangis lah semahuku.

Mashaallah.. sayangnya Dia pada si pendosa ini.

Ain nak 'seru' semua orang yang Ain sayang, yang percaya Allah tu Tuhan kita, yang sayang Nabi SAW kita, yang mahukan syurgaNya dan yang takutkan azab-azabNya.... betul, hidayah itu milik Allah.... Allah itu sangat kasih akan hambaNya... sangat pemurah... banyak sungguh hidayah yang hendak diberiNya... MINTAKLAH HIDAYAH ALLAH.
Tolonglah...
Tolonglah jangan tunggu.
Tolonglah sujud, angkat tangan, nangis dan mintak.
Merayulah pada Tuhan Yang Satu.
Kalau dulu liat nak solat, mintaklah dia peringatkan kita.
Kalau payah nak pakai tudung litup, doalah..paksalah berkelubung... nak rasa tak cantik, buanglah rasa tu..nak kata panas, ingatlah api Allah itu lagi panas... dia menggelegak, kita boleh dengar dari luar.
Kalau tak puasa, cubalah tahan dari lapar.
Mintalah hidayah itu.
Nikmat terbesar kita, bila lahirnya kita dah diberi nikmat mendengar kalimah Allah.... jangan menjauh bila dah besar.
Takut nanti, bila ajal sampai ke tengkuk leher, kita mohonlah 'Ya Allah, beri aku sedikit masa Ya Allah..aku nak bertaubat, nak solat'..... masa tu, kita dah lambat.


Hidayah Allah itu sangat indah.
Terlalu indah.
Hati gundah, terus sejuk bila tahu Dia ada.
Hati marah, terus tawaduk bila tahu Dia tak suka kita marah-marah.
Hati geram, terus diam bila tahu Dia itu adil takkan mempersia sesiapa pun.
Terlalu indah.
Niatkan Lillahitaala...
Yang lain, itu kerja Dia. Insyaallah, Dia tak pernah akan menganiaya... yang menganiya adalah manusia sendiri.

Jom, doa untuk hidayah
ya, untuk redhaNya.

Friday, January 5, 2018

values

people values life differently
...
i value my life differently.
some may think
for whatever, i must keep reminding myself, we can never judge anyone.
when we ourselves don't like to be judged.

sometimes, we thought we know a person very well.
perhaps for more than ten years, or to some it could extend to the day we were born or that person was born.
but in times, people change.
or let me rephrase...
people may not change, but the values in their lives might.

someone might value a relationship so highly,
but some may just put a number in a relationship - for those who can only afford it could be in the ring.

someone might value safety differently.
earlier this morning, we saw a dad on his motorbike with two small toddlers on their way to the kindi.
the dad was well equipped with safety helmet, thick jacket and so.
while his kids were 'exposed' with no safety helmets on, just the thin kindi uniforms and one of them was not even wearing any shoes / slippers or socks.
we saw the dad was speeding at one corner, and the small bodies behind him were all left and right.
i wish i could stop him and tell him he was wrong... he was endangering his own flesh and blood.
but i guess, perhaps to him, safety is not the priority.

someone might value their careers lightly, when some took it seriously.
someone might value health lowly than spending on food they like.

someone might value adab and respect not based on facts and truthness...
the adab and respect would only be gain depending on who they are paying to.
if it somebody they hate, no matter how right that somebody is, the view would always be negative.

i used to wonder how could a daughter ignored her ailing mom back home
i used to wonder how could a sister decided not to say a word to her brother
i used to wonder how could a friend of twenty years decided to badmouth someone he used to call friend
i used to wonder how could anyone throw a 'genuine' smile for 13 years and told the person 'i hate you for the last 10 years and has been suffering since then'
i used to wonder how could you claimed your love and respect when you don't bother to tell a person the truth if you think the person need to be told and 'need help'
i used to wonder how long a person would want to take 'i am the victim' role?

but i guess, i do not have to wonder..

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

2018: pesan mama

i'm not used to have azam tahun baru... not before and not now.
tapi, hari tu, masa muharram 1439H, i have a few target set for the year - so far so good, alhamdulillah.

and so, it's aivey's first day of school in her primary years today.
i guess, just like aimar, having the older siblings at the school and went to a private school such khalifah model school, we did not put much attention and spying and teaching them to fly like we did for aidan..... aidan was great was he went to st john seven years ago... as for aimar, i was still in the 'sick' phase - i was still on chemo and starting my radio when he went to standard one.. i owed it to him. i felt guilty trying hard not to be able to remember his first day of school. trust me, i'm still having some regrets of my own, though i wanted him to know, not that i love him less than abg aidan, but just because mama was so sick when you were in primary 1.... and as for aivey, i wanted to sneak up on her today, but she said 'parents not allowed in school mama. you will disturb the teachers'.. obidiently i said 'okay lah..mama balik dulu then'
...
so what's for 2018.
wallahuallam - we can plan, but we know it is all written and well-planned.
untuk itu, for me personally, nak banyak istighfar, nak banyakkan amal..... sedihnya bila banyak beramal tapi tak dapat redha Allah...
i hope i could meet my 'muslimah' target! ameen! ameen! ameen!
...

bismillahirrahmanirrahim

i have few things in my mind lately that i would want to share.
its bittersweets of life.

but i guess, i still need to be discreet as if it was not mine, ada aib orang lain yang akan terbuka - neither would be a win-win...

tapi, for my anak3 reading this post; mama not sure if you guys would remember this phase..
the phase when mama cried sebab rasa amat terasing dengan mereka yang sepatutnya akrab dengan kita.

you might remember or you might not.

but i just want you to promise me, apa2 jadi dalam hidup ni, please don't abandon each other!
please stick together for whatever.
busuk ke nanah ke kamu hanya ada tiga orang senasab se-mama se-aboh...
tak kurang, insyaallah, ada jodoh kalian akan bertambahlah kamu kemudian...
tahu dan amik tanggungjawab.
abang aidan, anak sulung, jaga adik2 semolek mungkin.
abang aimar, yang nombor dua, jangan biar abang aidan sorang amik tanggungjawab - keluarga ini keluarga awak juga.
adik aivey, ingat pesan mama pesan aboh pesan abang2, be safe!
nanti, bila masing2 dah besar dah buat haluan masing2 dah ada keluarga masing2, jangan lupa asal kamu, tapi jangan abaikan tanggungjawab kamu.

aidan, aimar, kamu semua anak-anak lelaki aboh mama.
dalam islam, anak lelakilah yang dituntut nak jaga mama aboh. santuni isteri, keluarga mentuamu dan ipar-duaimu. baik didik isteri dan anak2 kamu, baik didikan dan tunjuk ajar mereka, insyallah.. yang lain2 itu kerja Tuhanmu, sebab Dia pasti akan menjaga kamu bila kamu menjaga Dia.
Ingat, letak Dia dulu - lepas tu Nabi kita SAW... mama aboh akan terletak di tempat sepatutnya bila kamu ingat pesan ini.

my dearest aivey, all we pray for you is a great imam to be your jodoh, yang mampu menjaga kamu, membimbing mendidik kamu, yang mampu membawa keluarga kamu ke syurga. Sama pesan mama untuk aivey, jaga Allah, Dia akan jaga aivey. letak Dia dulu - lepas tu Nabi kita SAW... mama aboh akan terletak di tempat sepatutnya bila aivey ingat pesan ini.

....
baca Quran - Allah ada pesan, perempuan baik dengan lelaki yang baik.
jadi lelaki baik.
jadi perempuan baik,
yang baiklah yang akan menanti kalian.

itu doa mama.
ameen ya rabbal alameen.




Wednesday, December 20, 2017

jerit

hari-hari sedih, rajin lah pulak update blog kan...
....
today was bad.
i had been holding up my car loan settlement since october. i decided, today is the day. actually, i tried calling the bank, asking for the total full settlement and was told 'sorry, but we can't disclose your full settlement via phone. you need to go to the branch you took the loan (nine years ago!!).
i really didn't see the logic of not disclosing the information, especially when they expect me to make my full settlement via cash through the counter and not via IBG transfer or even their cash deposit machine!
anyway, as it has been on my to-do list for quite a while, i went to the bank alone - alhamdullillah. i expected that parking would be a hassle as it was noon. Tuhan mudahkan saya dengan good rezeki of great parking spot right in front of the bank..wham! bam!
as i went to the bank, i was told that the car-loan settlement was on 2nd floor, and there were no escalator! it was a struggle... trust me..for a person like me, walking 25 steps were a struggle.
on a side note, we went to the skytrex adventure park yesterday - the boys were enjoying the activities while me and aivey just hang around..and it was such a tiring experience for me, just hanging around... i slept as early as i done my isya' prayers, in my telekung, only to be wake by aimar asking if i wanted to go for dinner which i said no... so, i slept till subuh.
ok, back to the bank, i went up just to realize i left my MyKad in the car. so, another going down and climbing up the stairs and my energy bar for the day has surely reduced. they didn't allow somebody else to come and do the settlement, or else my hubby could help me on that.
and as i've waited, i was told that the amount and was told that i need to make the payment at the counter below which required me to take another number and another waiting time... i was tired. i need to go back and so i told the staff that i would need to make payment at the branch nearby my area as i was just tired and need to rest for one to two hours.
she said i could do that and all i need to do was to pass the receipt and the branch nearby would do the rest.
and so, i went back, zohor and took my lunch.
we went to the branch nearby, and my husband had to wait in the car as there were no parking spot to be seen anywhere.
so, i took my number and waited..only to be told at the counter (of course after i waited for a while) that 'puan kena masuk kat dalam, nak verify thumbprint dan settlement amount'...
she was not courteous and i was tired.
frankly, it was too much - my energy was dozing off and i was just so tired. i asked so many questions at the other branch ealier, for verifications and so forth so that i do not have to go through the verifications bla bla.... all i wanted to do is to give them their goddamn last payment and that was it...
and i broke down.
i screamed at the top of my lung.
and i cried.
i was just tired.
tired of being tired.
and it wasn't nice when a person who used to be so active, so hyper and always on the go five years ago, was all tired and sick and tired and deaf and couldn't hear and tired and alll.... and that has been with me for the past four years, continuously.. and it has yet to stop.
why must the system be so hostile?
why couldn't human be considerate?
at that point.. i broke down.i wonder if i was disabled with no leg or with just one arm, it would be easier... people could just identify me as a disabled person and they could understand my struggles... if only they could see the non-stop fluid that has been coming out from my ears since morning, and not getting better after lunch... if only they could see my blocked ears that i could hardly hear anything and all i could do is smile ans asked politely 'sorry, i couldn't hear you. boleh repeat balik tak?'....if only...
i broke down at the bank.
and i apologized to all of them.
they said it's okay, we understand.
and i trust them, they don't understand.
and i'm sorry
i really am.
...
aimar was scheduled for his circumcision today. it has been delayed for quite a while.
we kept postponing it due to no doctors and some other activities. to the extent, i was thinking that perhaps we need postpone it to march next year. but he has set his mind 'cuti ni aimar sunat'.. and so, we found a clinic and he said yes.
so, we went after asar.
he was all cool and macho all this while, only when we reached the clinic, he need to pee and get all nervous.
i didn't went in, i couldn't bear it.
even when aidan had his, it was just him and aboh.
and so did aimar, him and aboh.
but this time, i heard him screaming, at the top of his lung. 'sakit! sakitnya! ya allah! sakitnya!'
and i cried.
i knew he 's level of tolerance has always been lower than abang dan or even aivey.
he might just exaggerated things. 
drama lebih sikit.
and yes, my hubby confirmed that he had it easier than abang dan's. it was minor, very minor. the cries and the screams did not constitutes with the pain.
but i guess, it's aimar.
i kept on telling him bila sampai rumah... la yukallifullahu nafsan illa wus'aha....
and so, he tried to soothe himself and fell into deep sleep.
alhamdulillah..
another new page to turn.
abang aimar dah sunat!
...
i has always been a 'screamer'.
i guess most people so dear to me know me better - my mama byk kali pesan 'jaga mulut tu, tak payah lantang sangat bila bercakap'.
trust me, i tried..and trust me, i still hasn't give up on trying.
itulah doa yang tak pernah putus, lepas tahjud lepas taubat lepas hajat... antara yang dalam list nak mintak 'ya allah, bersihkan hatiku, jauhkan aku dari sifat2 jahat yang mengotori hatiku..jauhkan aku dari sikap takbur, sombong, ujub, riak dan semua penyakit hati. tinggikan sabarku, kuatkan imanku, jadikan orang bertakwa. ya allah, aku tak mampu nak tanggung azab nerakaMu atas kezaliman aku pada diriku.. ampunkan aku Ya Aziz Ya Ghafur.'
and to people that i've screamed at, i'm sorry.

but i guess, the beauty of Allah, is jodoh yang 'sekufu'.
dulu, ingat sekufu tu lebih kepada nasab dan keturunan.
but then, my husband's family is not so much of sekufu with mine.
i just hope, one day, people will realize, dia mungkin tak sekufu dengan kamu, tapi kami sekufu.
when what i did may seems wrong, to him, that was my beautiful strength, standing by what i believe is right..sampaikan kalau orang masih rasa tak betul, i need to know why.
dan sekufunya kami, sebab he is exactly that.
mungkin cara, gaya, bahasa tak kena...but all he wanted is just an explanation so that things could be understood and future mistakes could be avoided.
i totally can relate to that, but i guess, most people don't.

sebab orang tak nampak, orang tak tahu.
yang orang nampak sebaris dua ayat, itu lah kesimpulannya.
yang orang dengar sepatah dua kata, itu lah kebenarannya.
sebab dia tak ikut sistem, macam kat bank, i insisted not to give more id verification inside the office just because i was tired but the system had to (though they can just do it over the counter) and i screamed and broke down.. orang nampak, ada perempuan refused to bekerjasama.
orang tak tahu perempuan tu sakit dan penat dan penat sebab sakit dan telinga blocked teruk dan telinga keluar cecair yang dah melampau banyak! orang tak nampak tu.
so,if perempuan itu mintak maaf or not, orang dah ada conclusion sendiri.

the question is: should i tell them, i am on remission and today is my sick day! should they know the truth so that they don't judge? or should i just let them be..let them judge and tell others 'hari ni ada orang gila kat bank'...

i don't know.


...
someone so dear to me told me '..kagum dengan ketabahan menjaga syurgamu..'
and it made me wonder.

belum tinggi sabar ku
belum kuat iman ku
belum bertakwa lagi diri ku

tapi, aku nak syurga yang Allah janjikan
aku nak
aku nak
aku nak
dan aku tau, kalau kita kat syurga nanti, kita boleh ajak semua orang yang kita sayang join kita kat syurga.
Ya Allah, bagi aku sedikit kekuatan untuk menjaga tempat syurgaku.

but for now, all i care is to jaga diri ini, jangan sikit bahang neraka pun sampai di aura ku.
nauzubillah.
aku tau, aku tak mampu.
aku tau, neraka itu pedih, siksa kubur itu membunuh, azab2 yang Allah janji itu benar.
ya allah, jauhkan aku dari segala itu.

ya allah, jaga aku dan orang2 yang aku sayang, ya allah.
ya muhaimin
ya muhaimin
ya muhaimin
ya muhaimin








Monday, December 18, 2017

blither, it is.

few days back, i posted a blog and shared it with my FB friends.
i was touched by a 'stranger' whom i didn't even know where she resides (but of course i know the tip of who she is, where she come from and the basics) told me how soaked she was in reading this blog of mine.
the blog never meant for anybody but me.
not for my friends, not for families and not even for my kids.
i wrote it for me.
this is one of the channel that i could ramble and mumble in peace, in a one way communications (basically), just so to remind me how's life.
life is cruel but good.
life is bad but sweet.
life is sad but great.
alhamdullilah - life is live and i am nothing but thankful and grateful for this live. alhamdullillah.
but i sometimes shared the post on my FB.
just because, i wanted people not to judge before seeking explanation or even before knowing why i did something that i did or why i said something that i said.
i didn't update it 24-7 or jot every single thing and occassions that happened.
and i am ashamed to admit that i write in this blog, when i feel at my low most of the times.
i wish i could write more great and happy posts, but somehow,i realized the happiness were sometimes too good for words.
tapi, teringat lak ayat allah,
ad-dhuha, verses 11: waamma binigmati robbika fahaddis; and do proclaim the bounty of your Lord.
aiyyoo... setan sangat kuat... memang Allah suruh sebut segala nikmat yang Dia dah bagi.
tapi, manusia ni, rata2, bende2 sedihlah yang kita nak tulis dulu... (dush!!!! amik ko sebijik!!!)

kalau baca asbabun surah ad-dhuha diturunkan, baca tafsir2 dalam internet ni, kita tahu surah tu surah memujuk...seronok baca - boleh rasa dalam dan kuatnya hubungan Pencipta dengan hambaNya yang mulia... betapa tinggi darjat Nabi SAW... dalam die berduka bersedih, Allah janji demi siang dan malam, Dia tak pernah lupa dan benci pada Nabi SAW. Dia janji yang akhir lebih baik dari mula, sebab sabarnya Nabi SAW. Dia janji, Dia balas denga kepuasan dan keredhaan hati Nabi SAW... mashaallah.. dapat syurga, apa ko nak, mintaklah apa2 pun, bling! ada je depan mata.... boleh imagine tak? Lepas tu, Allah ingatkan segala nikmat pemberian Allah... Nabi SAW yatim, Allah jaga, Nabi SAW bingung, Allah tunjuk jalan, Nabi SAW miskin, Allah cukupkan rezekinya. Allah pesan, buat baik kat orang. Allah pesan, sebutlah semua yang Allah dah bagi, bersyukurlah.

and so, i guess, when i'm sad, and i write this blog, i can see and read myself, apalah yang nak sedih sangat... nikmat Allah banyak lagi dari rintihan yang tak ke mana tu.
isshh...malu lah kat diri sendiri...

alhamdulillah.
fabiayyialairobbikumatukazziban?
...
and so, i'm sorry.. this post is just meant to blither - a new word i learn;which means talk in a long-winded way without making very much sense... hahaha that is soooo me... and those who knew me know that is sooooo me!!!!

i just hope, nanti, bila aidan aimar aivey dah mula ada minat nak baca blog, and found out, eh mama ada blog? they would read and realized, mama diorang ni just a human, nothing special, nothing great, nothing super-mama but they knew.. yee..ini mama kami and she is indeed, our mama....
...