Sunday, August 21, 2016

the garments

again, i've been typing and backspacing things i wrote. not that i've ran out of ideas, but i was too overwhelmed and i had so many things in my head...

so, hopefully i could post this, the least.


it's our 12th wedding anniversary this weekend. there he was, in the middle of the south china sea, working his ass off for us, and here i am, at the leisure of our cosy home that he prepared for the comfort of his family. a very responsible man, indeed. 

and so, where do i start? my girlfriends were agreeing what a lucky girl i am to be blessed with my husband's jodoh. but then, i was wondering... i must have bragging too much about my man that they could conclude such things without even knowing him up close and personnel. 

fact is, he may not be as perfect as i pictured it in the FB posting, in my blogs or even when i speak about him to my friends. 

fact is, he's not perfect!
that man, was such a romantic chap. full-stop! no one can deny that. he brought his girlfriend to the fanciest restaurant even he was just on the student scholarship. he bought bouquets and hid it everywhere,in the closet, in the room downstairs and such. he asked strangers to talk on the phone just to proof his points. he could come up with all those sweet words without making any efforts. 
last year, he forgot our anniversary and he texted me "the florist gave the flowers to the wrong address. it was supposed to be sent to you".. he still wanted to take the credit while i was the one who sent the bouquet to his office. hmmmmmm and he bought the largest card in the memory lane shop for my birthday just to make amend, and yet, until today, nearing my birthday again in next two month, the card was nowhere to be seen. i saw the card, it was unwritten, and he still couldn't find the time to write it.. even using big marker shouting HAPPY BIRTHDAY.   
but, i know for sure, he perfected me and that's perfect enough!
it is expected in most men, they promised you the world when he was courting you. in time, he tends to forget to tell us, he didn't mean it literally and he thought we would just accept the fact them being typical men. and we women, get so frustrated. i got upset most of the time. i miss him writing cards and emails. i miss the flowers. i miss the gifts. but then, him being imperfect, made me realize, his is my jodoh. Allah didn't simply dump me with any man, He gives me the best for me. My husband, he is so good to his wife. He does the laundry, he does the dishes, he DIYs every single things, he cleans the toilet... mashaallah... he even make sure our children do the house chores before mama does it. That is romantic. 
And it was last week, when we had our breakfast at our normal place, he told me, "you are beautiful. before this, it was you who keep telling me how thankful you are for our jodoh, and to me, kita memang dah jodoh. but today, i'm telling you, abang bersyukur to have you as my wife."oo ladies, please envy me. yup, he may not stayed up all night to do that handmade card like he did sixteen years ago.. he even forgot where he put the card he bought for me last year, and he still the romantic guy i knew and i married too. alhamdullillah. 

that man, twelve years ago, was supposed to be at the mosque for the akad nikah and was supposed to be there before his bride. he was supposed to wait for his future wife and not the other way round. 
that man failed!
he was late, fashionably late, and we were waiting for him instead.
and two days ago, he was supposed to board for his boat to the offshore platform and was supposed to be there at 3pm. the deck was three hours away, and we left the house exactly three hours before the given time, and not earlier but could be later. luckily there were no major incident or anything or else, he would really spoilt the company's reputation to one of their major clients. 
you see, even after twelve years, he is still late. 
on the other hand, being the daughter of a very strict army officer, i have always been compliance to time. be early or on time! 
but, i know for sure, he perfected me and that's perfect enough!
trust me, the time management has always been and issue to him and me. we would argues and fights, and it was ugly! it has always been our conflict, one with don't give a darn about time and one that takes a single second delay is a matter of life or death. and we've been putting up with each other for the past twelve years.. i would blame him disrespecting my plan and he would blame me for small things that doesn't matter as he surely made it just in time!
and we are still struggling with this! yup, still are! 
however, that weakness teach me the meaning of sabar. i am still learning. i pray hard. i believe, Allah will help us when we pray and ask for His help. insyallah, He will help us. all i have to do is never to lose faith, tawakal and sabar. I saw the changes. He did improve a lot trying to adhere to the time though he could have done that sooner..but better now than never. all i have to do is to have faith and sabar. insyaallah. I remember him telling me, "i will make sure i deliver on time, and won't deter other schedule" far, so good. alhamdullillah. 

fact is, he's not perfect!
that man, twelve years ago, never stop telling his wife to dress decently when he was not around. he didn't want other guys ogling at his wife but that doesn't stop him from looking at other girls.  
today, even after i have try my very best dressing up decently, he still makes the remarks if need be. 
it has always been our conflict when sometimes i find that he is just exaggerating.
but, i know for sure, he perfected me and that's perfect enough!
i can called him such a chauvinist or even an hypocrites. but, because of him, i am so much closer to Allah and just by adhering to his request to take care of my dressing, he makes me feel how important i am to him. that is enough! he just want me, all of me, to him. and that is what marriage is all about. i was that girl who wore short skirts and i was that girl who wore the tight shirts. and today, when we saw a passerby and he just speak his mind out loud 'sexy kan?', i understood why he asked me to cover up. i don't think i want to hear it out loud from any stranger giving that remarks to me. yup, he should lower his gaze too. and he agreed to that. but we are so comfortable with each other, and he would just share his opinions with me. to some extent, i am thankful he share it with me rather than keep it to himself or sharing it with his buddies. at least, i could know what he wants and likes in a lady. it's not bad, ladies. just don't take it personally when you hubby started giving such remarks. it's a motivation, you know. at least to us, alhamdullillah.  

fact is, he's not perfect!
that man, who way before we got married, already having issue with his sleeps arrangement and get worst when his wife fell sick. he just couldn't sleep much, or perhaps, refused to sleep. sadly, even after i completed my treatment and alhamdullillah in remission for two years now, he still having struggles sleeping. it's a mixed feeling you'd feel when you woke up in the middle of the sleep, to see he was not in bed and nope, he wasn't away from home but downstairs with his DIY tools mending the broken lamps, the wife's brooches, the daughter's toys, the son's glasses and all others. he just couldn't sleep and he just wanted to stay awake. i knew his body is tired. 
but, i know for sure, he perfected me and that's perfect enough!
mashaallah... i couldn't describe how i felt when i wrote this paragraph. i got well two years ago, and he is still struggling and not getting any better. but then, when i woke up and saw him on the sejadah, performing his solat.. definitely made me head over feet over this man. there were times, he woke me up when i was fast asleep so that i don't miss my prayers too. you see, we could complains all the way, but surely, everything that Allah has given to us is just perfect to us. He is The Planner and the best at it. mashaallah. it was difficult when he could not sleep, but i can never be thankful enough on what comes with it..alhamdullillah. 

we've been married for twelve years, we've known each other for sixteen years... there's so many things i could talk about him. and i will never stop talking about him. the beauty of everything is when i believe this love we have, kerana Allah SWT. i used to be the wife that cry in my prayers for my husband ignore my soft womanly needs.. all i need was for him to 'understand' what i want, to pujuk me, to manjekan me, to puji me. i cried when he said harsh words to me, and i talked in my prayer 'ya allah, berikanlah aku kesabaran,' and i still cried. 
what the heck was i thinking? 
i love him not because he is my jodoh.. i love him because of Him. mashaallah... sebab dia lelaki. we may not be perfect and we might have took the wrong paths during our younger years. but we realized we only have each other to perfect ourselves to Allah SWT. The love of Allah is what made us love this love we have and we plan to keep annoying each other as long as that could perfect us to become the better Muslim. 
i still cry in my prayers. i cry for i just couldn't be thankful enough to Allah on how kind He has been to us. Mashaallah. He gave a man, not just a man. A responsible man, a great father, a bestest friend, a wonderful gossiper, a loving charmer and all a lady can ask for. 

and this lady is not perfect at all. 

and so, today, abang, i know  have said it enough and i still want to say it, alhamdullillah for our jodoh.. kita doa sama2, kita nak hidup forever and ever... sampai firdausi.. saya KENA jadi ketua bidadari awak! 

p/s: cakaplah manje gila, tapi, manje tak putus doa, dan doa, dan doa, dan doa..manje nak senang kat padang mahsyar nanti..manje nak abang dekat manje, takut sorang2 nanti.. allahuakbar, azab akhirat.. jangan putus doa..  

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

the story we share

call it coincidence, but i believe it's faith and rezeki.
i just completed my lunch and thinking of window shopping while buying times to pickup the boys.
and i bumped into this 'stranger'. 
she looked at me and i looked at her. she smiled and i got confused.
I apologized to her,'sorry, you looked familiar but i could hardly recall where have we met!'
and she agreed, she might have mistook me with someone else.
i insisted,'nama apa ek?'
and suddenly triggered to her,' kak ain kan? ni noreen'
in an instance, we were hugging in the middle of the crowd.
and there was i, walking with her accompanying her for her lunch.
we were strangers, total strangers. the first time i met her, she was nothing like in the picture. she had more flesh, chubbier but she was worried. 
it was a quick meet up and she was curious. she had list of questions to find our.
the venue: Daycare Oncology Clinic, Level 3, Prince Court Medical Centre.
she's young, just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and was worried about her job at that time.
I remembered the second time i met her at her home. She just in the early stage of the radiotherapy session. She looked fine and was working on her laptop replying work-related emails!
what a strong hardworking lady!!
that was the only two times we met. 
she called last year, 'kak, i am so happy that i need to call you immediately.' i could hear tears in her voice. happiness tears. alhamdullillah, 'all cleared!'
we texted each other once a while and that was it.

it was nearing two years after our first, and met we bumped into each other yesterday.
it was like looking in the mirror.
skinny, pale body.
"ya allah, kurusnya! i could hardly recognize you!!"
ehem...look who's talking.

and so here's the thing, people will hate us. 
these two skinny bones just sitting at the foodcourt, taking a small portion of food in their plate and they should be banned from the food court!
and yes, they talked in a loud tone!

less that the passersby knew that we both lost our weight for not being able to swallow our own saliva for three months, which ended up us not eating at all. she lost nearly 30 kgs, and i lost my 20kgs. 
yes, envy us. 
but we both agree, we will never pray for any of you to be as skinny as us if should anyone need to go through the same process! the 33 times of radiotherapy burnt our throat, our tongues, our skins, our blood capillaries in the mouth, our saliva gland and many more. it took me six months to be able to eat a plain sweet and sour candy and still jumpy for the taste was too strong and it took me a year and more to be able to cry when i tasted the asam pedas which was not pedas at all and i could taste with with jumping and crying for water. 
we both are still struggling after two years. the buzzed in our ears, they invaded our ears and privacy. i hate it, and i just wish i could face them just to shoo them off. they are coward enough just to stay there, making so much noise that i finally make peace and decided to ignore they are there. but once a while, i broke down. i just miss the time where i could not here myself chewing. i just miss the time when i do not have to ask people to repeat themselves. i cried two nights ago. aimar was asking me why i was speaking in a low voice, super-low voice that he could hardly hear what i was saying. i didn't respond to his queries. his dad did. 'mama kan memang cakap perlahan. perempuan memang kena cakap perlahan.' my husband, he's an angel that God has sent from the above to take care of me while i'm here breathing. he knew i was struggling with the noise in my head, and he came to the rescue. he took care of everything and he didn't say a word when he saw me being super-silent. he just knew the language we speak. 
me and noreen are still struggling with feeling fatigues and once a while we broke down. we tend to break lose and ticked off easily. demn you chemo! you should make us healthy but you didn't tell us that you would stay for a while. we got tired easily. we blame the hormone. or maybe it was the hormone. but then, it wasn't fair, give us 72 hours of normal average woman, and in the next 48 hours there we were, on the bed, not being able to do anything but sleep and rest! it feels so helpless when our husbands were still woke up at the wee hours after his long day at work, just so the laundry were done, the dishes were cleaned the children were tucked in bed. ya allah, i never could stop counting my blessing of that 'edgy' 'grumpy' man i am married to. he is there letting his wife sleeps while other husbands are ready for bed themselves.

what i could conclude, after two years of chemo and radiotherapy, we are still the 'patients' we were. but i would never complaints. 

i got my ideal sixteen years figure (with some fat here and there la kan) back. 
i got to heal not just that physical cancer which resides behind my nose, but it surely heal my spiritual awareness.
i got to have a buzzing ears and my children would just hug me and tell me 'don't worry mama, this won't be long and we are always nearby to be your ears'
i got have a flawless skin and i would say the radio wave cleaned up all pores and ronasutra definitely good in maintaining it and it is sls-free and surely halallun toiyyiban!
i got to have time for what actually matters for i am no longer that 'energetic' enough to work and i guess that's the best gift i could give my ever-patience husband who has been insisted of me not to work for the past decade. 
yes, i woke in the middle for  the mouth are too dry. the saliva gland has to start fresh as it took 36yrs to develop and the radio burnt them all.. envy me for that... i got to wake up in the middle of the night, just to appreciate things that i never knew God has given us FOC and yet i kept forgetting to thank Him and i guess, waking up in the middle, berwudhu, bersolat, berdoa is the best He could give me for the cancer! sayang sungguh Allah pada hambaNya. aku ni, banyak sangat dosa, hina sangat tak pernah beringat bila berkata. and yet, i don't need an alarm to wake me in the middle of the night just for a sip of water and for talking to him one-to-one. masyaallah.
and of course, i got to feel love all around... masa sakit sampai lah sekarang, tak putus kawan-kawan, sedara-mara berkirim doa bersolat hajat for our well-being, insyaallah, those definitely help!

ok, if you asked how i felt.. despites all the 'sickness', 'tiredness', 'deafness' i've been describing, i'm happy that i was sick and healed. 

the treatment was traumatized. 
the remission is on-going and sometime it is a bit frustrating to know the effect would lasted up to ten fifteen years. 
but the sweetness i found now, i could never thank Allah enough. 
His love is ABUNDANCE. 
and the unplanned 'reunion' was such a sweet coincidence. listening to our conversations and people might think we were complaining, trust us, we are not! 
we were just happy!
and we agree, no one should ever go through what we went through and still going through. 

just let us be. 

and so you people, stay healthy! physically and mentally!!

oo.. and yes, appreciate your body; 
you do need your saliva to keep on producing saliva as you could get chocked just by eating roti canai at the age of 30!
do not complain the food is too sour or too spicy for you won't know how it feels eating tomyam and tasted exactly like eating a cardboard, literally!
appreciate your ear wax and nose deposit.. you won't know how weird it feels to have a runny nose day and night  24-7 for the past two years and counting and you won't know how happy you could be when you got to have 'some' nose deposit or ear wax after two years and it's just not watery!

trust me, the little things that we take for granted. take good care of it! while you can!

Thursday, July 28, 2016


we are dead bored. it's aidan day 3 warded in PHKL and he was supposed to be discharged today and yet we have been waiting since morning and still waiting for the paperworks and documentations.

aidan asked me, have you ever been warded because of other reasons than cancer?

yup, for delivering you, aimar and aivey.
i never liked the thoughts of me being warded because of my cancer. it wasn't easy, for sure. and thinking and talking about it wasn't easy as well. 

my chemo and radio didn't require me to be warded. it was then i was introduced and got familiar with the terms 'daycare', 'homeleave' and 'day surgery'. 

however, during the treatment, there were times that i needed to be warded as i was infected with bacteria, i was too weak, i wasn't eating, i needed more blood.

it was tiring. for me and for the loved ones. everybody lost their patience at some breaking points. i was mad at my hubby and dad for leaving me all alone at the hospital while they were running here and there taking care of my children and the day-to-day routines. my hubby was angry for i refused to eat and i cried for i was sad when he was being insensitive while i forgot how uncomfortable for him to be sleeping at the make-do sofa turn bed for nights. i was mad when the nurses put in the tube from my nose down to my throat as they were trying to feed me. i was pissed as they told me it won't hurt but it was horrible horrible pain that i wouldn't mind being in labour for the fourth time! i was mad when i missed the children when I was warded and i screamed and asked them to go back home when they were making the hospital room too comfortable for them to play.

it has never been pleasant though people tried hard to accommodate me.

now that i'm reflecting back of what had happened, i just couldn't thank Allah enough for the abundance love He gave thru these beautiful people who matters!

thank you Allah 
thank you all and all.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016


talking about consistency!
it has never been easy!!

but i still feel obligated to post things in this blog.
it's like a multivit to boost up my energy level..
and so it is the 7th syawal... already???
time flies.

much to be said, it went ok.
we wore orange in the first day of syawal.
aimar did the whole month of fasting, and missed two or three nights of tarawikh at the surau.
of course, we always make sure that the boys never to miss their solat fardhu, before any other things,

i caught up with my quran readings, but not much for the boys.
guess would need to do more this month.
gosh, she get smarter and smarter in her own way.
the latest was being the great counsellor, conciliating her parents arguments.
it wasn't great, but we both (the adults) were being so hard headed and childish.
aivey was so sweet and gentle, telling us 'orang kawin mana boleh fight-fight! tak baik, Allah tak suka'

malu pada diri sendiri bila budak lima tahun boleh nasihat begitu!

but, i'm still worried (not really la) of her not being able to read.
both of her abang managed to read phonics when they were five, but aivey is still struggling.

i have always been a strict and ambitious mama to the boys.
somehow, i spoiled aivey when it comes to school!
i'm not sure it was the aging effect me not bothering about those reading counting and everything as long as her 'life' skills are not worrying, or i just have to spoil her for she's so sweet every day.

but i guess, one got to do what one got to do.
she's in extra reading class today. and this will take up three days in a week, until she can read.
the least i can do.
so, it has been two years of me resigning from the corporate world.
i'm not sure if i miss that life or not.
i love what i'm  doing now; of not doing anything.
i wonder where my time has gone.
but then, i seems to be occupied on every waking hours.
i still 'care' subconsciously when people ask 'what do you do?'
to me, answering 'not working' got it all wrong.
if i'm not working, why do i have so many things in my list?
yup, i do, read the quran, taddabbur, read books, teach kids, pick them up, send them off, please the husband, be beautiful, buy nice baju, wear nice tudung... and so on and so on...
so, is that 'not working' to you?
it is work, to me.
so, telling that i have to help with something because i am not working, and you are, i guess is not right at all!
do i sound envious to that?
am i envy of those 'working' mother?
do i feel 'inferior' for being label 'non-working mom'?
well, i guess a nigger will surely be pissed when the white stranger call them 'nigger', but they surely wouldn't mind calling themselves niggers..
same situation i'm having!

to think of it, i never can't thank Allah enough for having a 'strict' supportive husband and always believe what i'm doing is what i should be doing.
while some of the working mom wish they could spend some times reading few ayat from the quran, i was rushing to finish mine for the fifth time. and i haven't been working for two years, only. can you imagine how much i've wasted for the 14 years of working and no quran reading at all?

and so, i would feel 'stupid' for not 'thinking' once a while.. and then, came aidan showing me his science book talking about energy. 'sifat-sifat cahaya'... gosh, give it to mama.... i guess i did well explaining to him, and i'm sure he could take the PMR science paper at his level of understanding after my explanation. so, alhamdullillah for the ilmu that i have and thank you abah mama for making sure i was well educated.

ok, i've said enough for now.

how's you day?

Saturday, June 11, 2016

ramadhan 1437h

been a while... 

it is the 6th Ramdhan.. alhamdullillah. 2014 & 2015 ramadhan were tuff for me. though i slept most of the time and that was all i could remember, i could still recalled my struggles fasting during the first two years on remission were stressful. 

it wasn't easy as much on my third year of remission and fasting. but then again, it is only nearing a week, and i am very sure it would be a different one. insyallah. and i've been praying days and nights for allah to grant me health and so i could make it up for this year's ramadhan. infact, i hope to make it up for the past years ramadhans that i've wasted. it was a sad scenario to think how i've wasted them, the month of thousands barakah.

was the girl who took up my gastric issue as a convenience during fasting month.
I was the girl who gave excuses for overslept during sahur and could die if i were to starve myself the whole day.
I was the girl who fasted but didn't pray because i were too tired to pray.
I was the girl who stopped reading quran for nearly 25 yrs, and if you didn't count yassin as part of reading quran.
I was the girl who thought sedeqah would just promote cons.
was the girl who never knew tahjud is possible for 'normal' people and sinner like me and only reserves for the alims.
I was the girl who thought dhuha was only for the self-employed business owners.
was the girl who only knew about solat  rawatib yang muakad months ago when my hubby told me and i was clueless back then.
I was the girl who refused to do 8 rakaat tarawikh at home and only to be done in the surau and having toddler around is not something you would want to bring to surau. 
I was the girl who didn't know you could separate withir from tarawikh.
I was that girl!!!
ok, cry now!!!!!!!!!!!

It was horrible. i might say i was 'young' and wild and free. but i cried rivers hoping allah would accept my regrets. i really wanted to have the best of me for ramadhan this year. i have no choice. it's either i make it or break it. i must treat this ramadhan like my last one and i pray hard there'll be more ramadhan for me to make up for the loss previously. insyaallah.

it is indeed a beautiful journey. i have never stopped amazed myself of how Allah made it easy for those who really want to have a great change in life routine.

no intention of bragging or being riak or whatsoever, but trust me, if you have the niat, you set your mind, you pray for Allah's  help, insyaallah, you are nearer to Him than you think you are. Do it for Him, not you. It never as impossible as you might think it is. He is there with you. Insyaallah. 

He made it easier, so much easier for you. 
He gave you husband who supports you all the way and never bored to share precious knowledge because he cares.
He gave you children and parents who understands your constraints.
He gave you friends who join your struggles and visually coaching you in any ways.
He gave you rezeki for time, love and all others.

Just consistent! Istiqamah.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Book review: I am muslim by Dina Zaman

Saw this book in Kinokuniya.. Dina Zaman? I know this writer. I've read her column in the local newspaper and knowing she is quite 'liberal', I'm surprised that she published a book with such title....

Well, I was sceptical when I first saw this. I didn't intend to waste my cash on it. But, i was intrigued. I turned the page and was shaking my head and eyes wide opened, unbelievable. I must say, the title of the book is very deceiving. Generalization on how a malaysian muslim acts and our way of life from this book would surely be deceiving especially to the non-muslim.  The title was not supposed to be "I am muslim" but it should be "I am a 'liberal' malay muslim".... and that says it all. 

As much as I wanted to 'kill' Dina Zaman in her writings as I was thinking like a 'real' muslim, sadly, she spoke the truth about the majority of the 'liberal malay' muslim, And sadly, most of her description were like 'been there done that' to me and yes, i could not deny her. 

I was filled with mixed emotion reading the book. Was she for real? Was she exaggerating? Some points can be taken as beneficial, and some are doubtful. But all in all, I would say it's a 'fresh' reading and for a person like me, i would say it's an eye-opening to me to make sure I don't get confuse with culture and religions and know the line. 

To the writer, I pray you well and moga diberi hidayah berterusan dan kuat-sekuatnya, You can be a good pendakwah if you want to.

And to my malays people, please never get confused yang mana adat, yang mana firman allah, yang mana hadis dan sunnah. Please learn! Please read the Quran! Please please please!

the nursing nurse

it's the nurse day, today!
happy day, kind people.

i have a hate and love relationship with the nurses.
it was once hate and forever love!

i remembered the last time i brought my grandma to the general hospital. i was young, ehem, and was on summer holidays. as everyone else were either working, schooling or too small to be the chaperon, i did. the least i can do for my beloved grandma. she was old, very old, and scared of doctors and nurses. she hated hospitals. and so, she always made sure that she excelled with the checkups so she won't be admitted. that morning, as we were waiting for our turn, and her name was called upon, i went in with her. the nurse would like to check her eyes. and so they did. but what went wrong when nenek, who supposed to open one eye, and shut another eye with the given card didn't do as instructed. she held the card, but not on the eye that was supposed to be shut, but just below the eye level so that she can see the shape shown and answered the nurse correctly. i didn't see the act as i was soaked reading the novel in my hand. but i was stunt when i heard the nurse yelling at my grandma, "tutup sebelah mata la orang tua! ishk!!"... ooppsss, stop there! it was still early in the morning, and no matter what your issue was, you could never treat any single human being like what you did, and not to my nenek!
"please don't be rude to her! she's 80 and she's scared of the test. and you have no right to said what you said, not in front of me! learn some manners, and it's a shame that you need to learn from a 20 year old girl!"
of course she gave me 'that look' and did not insist in responding back. perhaps i was talking in english with her... yup, just don't let me be pissed, i spoke great queen english when i'm furious, with the accent!

and then, it was another traumatized drama in hospital daerah kemaman when i had and 'early' sign of being in labour! way tooo early! five and half week early! though i insisted to be send to the private hospital which was one hour away, my mother-in-law insisted (as my hubby was offshore) of sending me to the five-minutes-away hospital, and thanks to her wise decision. it took only half and hour for me to give birth, and should i insisted, aimar would be the baby that was born in the car! the nurses were horrible! they were busy exchanging polyphonic raya ringtone, ignoring me who was in pain. i was only 8cm dilated and they thought i could have wait. i was so pissed that i just pushed  all my energy out and lucky me, he was such a small baby. the nurse was making so much noise as she told me i could have wait! WTF! and what made worst, she was too lazy to fill in the form etc, she decided to just 'sew' my injuries unanesthetic. 'sikit je luka ni'! blardy hell!!!!! more queen english came out from my mouth, i couldn't hold my tears as the pain was killing me!!! it was even demn painful as compared to giving birth!and all i wished for was that nurse was crashed and crippled for doing that to me!

those were the days.
and then, i fell sick.
it's weird that the oncology told me that i would only be on the day-care ward for chemo and could go back in the evening. the first time i checked in for the chemo, i was nervous. my hubby was with me all the time. the nurses greeted us, let us chose our own bed and showed us how to adjust the bed at my comfort.
next, they came with the syringe to take up my blood and set up the IV line.
after a while, we saw this bottle wrapped in aluminium foil with the radioactive sign on it. it was the chemo med.
we did that for 14 times, on weekly basis, by week 5, i guess, my veins had shrink and it was sooo difficult for them to get the IV thru. once used to be just a one time try, became two or three times tries. they kept on apologizing though it was never their faults. i was just so weak and skinny bone!

i remembered few times i was warded because of the chemo effects. the nurses in the wards were so patience checking up on me, cleaned all the vomits and made sure i am fed. i remembered how they struggled to put in the tube from my nose down to my throat as i could hardly eat anything and i need to be fed. i remembered the time when i pulled that tube off, in split seconds, while the nurse was trying to feed me with the protein milk and she was stunned to see my action.

i remembered the nurses in the radiotherapy who never gave up teaching me the right way to 'exercise' my mouth so that i won't get tired and cramped with the radio. i remembered how they were telling me what to consume and what not and i just didn't care. i remembered the look they gave me everytime they took my weight and it just kept on losing and losing bit by bit. i remembered them telling me 'it's ok, we'll wipe the vomit' when i could not hold any longer.

i remembered all their looks.
that sympathy look, but came with strong words 'you'll be ok. stay strong. you are strong'
i remembered all their looks.
that guilty look when they uttered, 'see you next week and do eat!'
i remembered all their looks.

and i also remember their looks.
that happy look, 'alhamdullillah, you are so much better now'
and i also remember their looks, after two years,
that cheerful look, 'ya allah ain, you look so much better and so awesome!'

these people were strangers!
and yet, in my sickness, they were the closest i could have. their look, their smile, their words, their touches, just enough to give me the push and thinking, everything gonna be alright. just buzz the button if you need any help from us'

oh thank you to all the nurses.
i know, it wasn't easy and never will.. it won't!