Saturday, November 12, 2016

and He is all you need

everybody is entitled to their own opinions.
but they most of us forget how to respect others' opinion.
we are our own bigot, a hypocrite.
we wanted people to respect us, but we never care to respect others.
what the heck?
...
Wallahi
i have been at my lowest point and i can never stop feeling thankful to Allah for allowing me to change and follow His path.
i am nobody to talk about Islam.
i am not a scholar and i know nothing.
but, i guess, i just have to keep on sharing my views, so that people i love know, i was them and i found out the hard way they were not right. i just want them not to do the mistakes i did, i just want them to know i love them too much that i want to see them in Jannah.

someone of my clan said something to my children.
the words uttered made me uneasy.
she was voicing out her opinion, for the good.
i didn't and won't agree with her.
but, as i've known her my entire life, i knew that arguing won't bring any good.
and my mind were disturbed since that conversation we had.
a brief conversation.
i'm not blaming her.
she didn't know.
i knew, if i was not given the 'second chance' to life, and Allah did not guided my heart to get to know Islam better, i would be in the same opinion as she was.

she told my daughter to buckle up and get ready for the future.
she asked her to start learning mandarin. 'that is what is wanted in the future'
i was okay with that.
and what she uttered next made hurt my ears and made my heart ache.
'you need mandarin, not arabic. knowing arabic won't help. it will only help you reading the quran and that's it. mandarin is the language to survive in future'
Astagfirullahalazim, I seek the forgiveness of Allah, the Mighty.
Allah please forgive us. Please forgive her. Please forgive me.
I knew her. She meant it the good way. But she put it all wrong. She wanted to be sarcastic. We were talking about the PM and his new ties with the China chinese and how the chinese are dominating nowadays. But she put it all in a wrong perceptions. She put it wrongly, and I pray that Allah do forgive her for her ignorance and I pray that she didn't meant the exact words she say.
Takut jadi syirik, takut hilang kebergantungan dan keyakinan pada Allah. Nauzubillahuminzalik.

it was only two days back I was listening to Mufti Menk's clip and he recited the ayat 3 from surah Fussillat,"a Book whose verses have been detailed, an Arabic Qur'an for people who know" (Quran 41:3)
Quran is all ours.
Rasullullah sallalahu alaihi assalam's very own mukjizat.
the Book who will be there for us in kubur and akhirat.
the Book who is a miracle.
and if you are an avid reader, read Quran and don't tell me you are not fascinated with its contents, its languange and everything in it.
the beauty of Quran is, it is the ayat of Allah. read it. and don't tell me you don't feel like your own Maker is talking to you one to one in His own way.
Every ayat, every verse, every surah, though it bears the same meaning and never had been changed since 1400 years ago, it will surely tells you 'different' story depending on who is reading it, the situation, emotion, and mind state of the readers.
to me, this is the only Book ever existed that talked back to you in so many ways.

and it is so heartbreaking to hear someone would say such thing to my daughter.
Al Quran is everything.
anak2, if you are reading this post, please keep in mind, Quran is everything.
nak jadi orang pandai, nak jadi orang berjaya, nak jadi jutawan, nak jadi genius, nak jadi superhero, nak jadi pemuda terhandsome dan pemudi tercantik, nak jadi manusia termulia, baca, faham, hafal, amalkan Quran.
never leave Quran. keep it by your side. keep it in you.
takpe sayang. kalau sebab nak belajar Quran, kalau sebab nak hafal Quran, you might lose time learning maths and science, lose it. belajarlah Quran. mama aboh redho.

i was her before.
i went for English language class for i knew the need in mastering English.
i went for Engineering for i learned that would be the most needed skill for my future.
i went for expensive Computer courses for i thought that would be an added advantage.
i outperformed myself.
my English was superb.
i was that engineer lady who climbed the compressor plant just to check on the 24" control valve and i was the only lady in the plant during the shutdown at 4 o'clock in the morning.
i was so successful.

but i put Quran on hold.
i couldn't find time to read it. not a page, not even an ayat.
of all my entire life, my memory reading Quran was when i was twelve, that was when nenek forced us to go the surau and learn the Quran. i completed the whole Quran once and that was it. i left it, just like that. i read Yaseen when there were death. i recited AlIkhlas and AlKafiroon in my prayers and that was it. and trust me, i didn't pray much pun.

i never knew what i want in life.
i got a good husband but i always thought he didn't understand me.
i always thought he didn't love me much.
i was good in my work, but it has always been not enough.

and i got cancer.

it was my husband who insisted us to change.
it was my husband who realized we were so drifted away from the path of Islam.
it was my husband who discovered i knew so little about the religion i live by every breath.

Mashaallah...
I am ashamed, to myself, to the Maker.
He knew i wasn't good.
He knew i was sinning.
He knew i was horrible.
He knew i abandoned Him.
and yet, He gave me this feeling, opened up my heart, and all I wanted is to learn how to be close to Him.

...
i'm teary.
i always thought life is all about success.
success is when you earned the most, you can just own anything you want, you have that grande lamborghini and that bungalow with two indoor pools in it.

how wrong i was.

success is peace.
success is firdausi.
success is when  rasullullah happy to meet you in akhirah.
success is when Allah bless you with His rahmah.

itu dah cukup.

takpe, kalau tak tau Mandarin sebab kau masih bersusah-payah belajar Arab, belajarlah Arab itu.
takpe, kalau tak cukup duit nak beli Beemer sebab kau nak wakafkan sikit tanah untuk buat surau, infaqkanlah duitmu itu.
takpe, kalau tak banyak kawan sebab kau tak mahu pergi ke kelab malam menikmati usia muda mu, biarlah hilang kawanmu itu.
takpe, kalau tak tentu masa kau nak habiskan tugasan sedang jemaah di surau menunggu, luangkan sepuluh minit pergi berjemaah sebab itu yang akan tolong kau hidup.

itu hidup.

you may not see it now.
you may think it's not worth it.

just remember, we don't live for the world, we live for akhirah. that is our final destination.
if you have to be poor to be rich akhirat nanti, be it.
if you have to be sick to be healthy akhirat nanti, be it.
if you have to be sad to be happy akhirat nanti, be it.

jangan risau rezeki orang cina kawal.
jangan runsing kalau bukan kau kesukaan bos sebab kau tak mahu makan rahsuah.
jangan sedih, janagan buruk sangka, bila kau, perempuan, belajar sampai ke menara gading, dan suami mu yang tahu tanggungjawabnya dan mampu menyara kamu sekeluarga menyuruh kamu tidak bekerja...
jangan buruk sangka
jangan buruk sangka
jangan buruk sangka

ingat satu
Allah ada...
He'll come to you if you look for Him.
He'll be there for you if you call upon Him.      
and if you decided to pick someone form China to be your guide, just pray hard that China man will guide you to the right path...
for if you go astray from Allah, He would go away from you... Nauzubillahuminzalik.


...

Ya Allah, bantu kami Ya Allah.
Kami jahil dengan segala kata yang kami ungkapkan
Kami buta bila dilalaikan dengan harta dan pangkat
Kami bisu dan tak dapat berkata apa-apa bila ayatMu dipertikaikan
Kami pekak bila ada yang hendak menasihati untuk berada di jalan yang Kau redhoi
Ya Allah, bantu kami Ya Allah
Terangkan dada kami, tinggikan iman kami, bersihkan hati kami
Rahmati kami, berkati kami, redhokan kami, Ya Allah.















Tuesday, November 8, 2016

they grow, non-stop

well, 
let's see if i could try to keep this blog updated as often as i wish..

hahahaha
everytime!
every single time, whenever i started to log in and click on this blog, and tried typing something, i would have that ambition somehow.

we'll see
and, well, i guess i would have known what the outcome would be.
...

and so, 
it's been a while since i keep updating about the children. 
it's year end..
they have all done their exams. 
haven't got any results yet. 

i still couldn't help myself from being a nazi mom during the exam weeks. an hour of one subject to another with 15 minutes break in between. i did empathized the boys. they must be very tired, but then again, they always seems to be clueless whenever we started new chapters or whatsoever. anyway, those phase were gone now that the exam was over. 
but, this time, i have a different mindset. i must ashamedly admit, for the past years, i was expecting excellent results, them being the highest of one and many subjects they could. i remembered picking up Aivey from her kindi and she told me, "Mama, today I did get scolded from the teacher. I was clever". I smiled and praised her. but she wasn't finished, "I was never clever girl. I was just a 'clever klogg' (her class's name) but today I was a clever girl. always Ayra was a clever girl, but today I was." my 5 years-old daughter was so cheerful but I felt like a pang on my cheek. what have I made Aivey into? She has always been the clever girl. She tucked me in my blanket when I was sick. she kissed and hugged me when I cried. She reminded my husband and I not to argue at all because married couple don't argue. O my.. and it was heartbreaking hearing what she have just said. and so, I settled! I wanted to raise them, to educate them, they way I should! to work as hard as they could, without pushing limits; to credits on their efforts and great results would just be a bonus. to keep telling them, they are smart and great kids. 

Aimar made me sad yesterday. he did something he shouldn't do, and I didn't scold him right away as his friends were all around. but I warned him that what he did was wrong and he cried before I punished him. he went to car and slammed the door. I wasn't mad. I was sad. very sad. I mummed and couldn't uttered any word though he was apologizing. Aimar is going to be 10 next year. He has always been the adik to Aidan and he hasn't 'grow up' that much in a sense. Yup, he is physically bigger as compared to Aidan, but he has been depending too much to Aidan and just don't bother about anything. When he got into trouble, he would cried, and we would scolded him. I wished he could change, or maybe we should, instead. but one thing for sure, I will never stop praying. he has always been the good son, and he will be fine. he will grow up and i know i will miss him. 

Just like I'm missing Aidan nowadays. I do. that sweet obedient cute litle budak pejabat. he is going to be 12 next year. he will be leaving for the boarding school and I know he is so looking forward for that. he did the aptitude test that i asked and one of the question was about boarding school. it asked if you were to go to boarding school, where would you want to be?
A. nearby the house
B. far far away
C. not going
and he picked B. I do not have to explain further. I truly don't have much to talk about Aidan, just as we don't talk as much neither. but, when he cried on the day of the cross country the school organized because he was winning and fell down and couldn't finish the game, he cried really hard on my shoulder. at that time, I knew, he will still come running, looking for mama, whenever he needed me and mama will always be there for you.

...
Okay, now cry. 
I could hardly write as emotional as I feel right now.  
I would be selfish if I were to ask them to stop growing. 
but I know how it exactly it feels... just like my mama is feeling now. 

:(


Thursday, October 13, 2016

making peace

i wrote this few weeks back.
i hope this would give me some peace.
...

it has been bugging me all days and weeks.
i feel frustrated.
i've been preaching sabar and the sweetness of forgiving and how Merciful Allah SWT is, and yet, i find it a struggle for me to walk the talk.
being a libra, i thought i could forgive easily.
apparently, i was wrong!
i misunderstood myself.
at times me writing this, i'm just mad.
i'm mad at myself,
i'm mad at fakers,
i'm mad at people who pretend to care,
i'm mad at people who is arrogant,
i'm just mad.

this is bad.
i wanted the best life, dunia akhirat.
and being mad at people is definitely not the way to close the gap between me and Allah.
for whatever, it will surely make it worst.

astagfirullahalazim.

i read how sabar rasullah saw and all his sahabat were.
mashaallah.
i couldn't compute how human being could have so much sabar.
but then, we know Maha Besar Allah... they were so close to Allah and the Deen, and of course Allah is close to them too...
that is all i wanted.
to be close to Him.

i read of how to be close to Him.
all i have to do is istighfar, always have Him in whatever, do what he ask to do, sabar and syukur.
be good to people.
all those common sense that we can do if we want to.
and i just realized, those natural common sense things we should be doing is hard enough when you have an unhealthy heart.
astagfirullahalazim.
ya Allah, i seek forgiveness from You ar-Rahman ar-Rahim..
please let me have a clean heart.
...
as i'm writing this,
i'm mad. very mad.

one of the thing being a good muslim is to give forgiveness. afterall, as abang reminded me, don't we want Allah to forgive us?

if only is that easy.

subhanaallah.
Allah, please give me strength.
...
i'm an easy person. i adapt well with people and people loves me (some may not la). i don't take matters seriously and don't take things personally. i'm so forgetful that i sometimes forget that i have to be rude to some people who were harsh to me but i didn't. i thought i have forgave and forgotten. i thought i forgive easily.
i thought!
apparently, i'm not.

as i'm writing this, i was reminded how horrible a person has been treating me nine years ago.
to that person, who might be reading this as i'm sure she would and she would know i meant her, yes, i mean you. i'm sorry for all that i would be writing. i thought i have forgiven you and i thought i have forgotten what have done to me.
but sadly, i don't.
i really want to.
i want to be that winner who forgiveno  matter whose fault it is.
but i can't.
it's heartbreaking to know how weak i am.
i always knew deep inside, i am strong.
i get what i want.
and this time, i just want to forgive you.
but it seems so impossible.
...
i was in the labour room, my hubby was still offshore and my parents are 800km away from me. my son was only one year and nine month. all i need was someone who called upon herself a sister to be near me. it wasn't easy. my baby was premat and the hospital was not convenient. and i was there for three nights and not even once that she came and visited me. perhaps, that's how she treats all her friends who seems like a sister to her, i guess.

that was nine years ago. i knew i've confronted her and told her i didn't understand why she didn't bother visiting me. she couldn't give me any answer. i forgave you. and so i thought.

shame on me!
after nearly a decade, the memory of her 'abandoning' me; flashed back in my memory land. 

i won't be reminded of such horrible even if she didn't  remind it of late. she did, not directly and intentionally, but she did and she sucked!

when she texted me teling me that had a fight with her hub, the usual complained had; i treated it normal. but it all went wrong when; with no guilt and respect; she had gut to told me upfront thant they were fighting because of me & my hubby!!

what were you thinking?
what do you expect me to say?
how do you think i should react??

i should have known  you nine years ago!!! i should have known you are just that faker who wore that smile just so you could escaped confrontation. 

yesterday, you and your hubby drove all the way up to our place for the good 3 hours drive, just to pay us a visit. please accept my apology for i wasn't a good host. i needed you to know, i plan to be a good one but your insincerity was too transparent and i was just not good a faker as you are.

what you did was wrong and i was mad. at least, that's what i felt. 

you should have know better la. for the good ten years, at least, i was the one you consulted whenever you have issues with yourself and your marriage. your marriage was always seems to be at the brinks because of others; because your in-laws, your hubby and all; but never you! and now, all that you were complaining was about me! how could anyone digest that? if you don't have any heart, could you at least endowed your brain? 

is that how you treat a so-called sister cum friend?
is that how you treat a human?

o, stop your act. 
you might meant well when you came and visited us for that few hours, 
but i still couldn't compute how your brain works.
I'm sorry for i suck in handling my emotions.
I'm sorry for i was being such a horrible host.
and i'm sorry for i just couldn't find the means to forgive and forget!
it's just unacceptable!





Sunday, August 21, 2016

the garments

again, i've been typing and backspacing things i wrote. not that i've ran out of ideas, but i was too overwhelmed and i had so many things in my head...

so, hopefully i could post this, the least.

bismillahhirrohmanirrohim

it's our 12th wedding anniversary this weekend. there he was, in the middle of the south china sea, working his ass off for us, and here i am, at the leisure of our cosy home that he prepared for the comfort of his family. a very responsible man, indeed. 


and so, where do i start? my girlfriends were agreeing what a lucky girl i am to be blessed with my husband's jodoh. but then, i was wondering... i must have bragging too much about my man that they could conclude such things without even knowing him up close and personnel. 

fact is, he may not be as perfect as i pictured it in the FB posting, in my blogs or even when i speak about him to my friends. 

fact is, he's not perfect!
that man, was such a romantic chap. full-stop! no one can deny that. he brought his girlfriend to the fanciest restaurant even he was just on the student scholarship. he bought bouquets and hid it everywhere,in the closet, in the room downstairs and such. he asked strangers to talk on the phone just to proof his points. he could come up with all those sweet words without making any efforts. 
last year, he forgot our anniversary and he texted me "the florist gave the flowers to the wrong address. it was supposed to be sent to you".. he still wanted to take the credit while i was the one who sent the bouquet to his office. hmmmmmm and he bought the largest card in the memory lane shop for my birthday just to make amend, and yet, until today, nearing my birthday again in next two month, the card was nowhere to be seen. i saw the card, it was unwritten, and he still couldn't find the time to write it.. even using big marker shouting HAPPY BIRTHDAY.   
but, i know for sure, he perfected me and that's perfect enough!
it is expected in most men, they promised you the world when he was courting you. in time, he tends to forget to tell us, he didn't mean it literally and he thought we would just accept the fact them being typical men. and we women, get so frustrated. i got upset most of the time. i miss him writing cards and emails. i miss the flowers. i miss the gifts. but then, him being imperfect, made me realize, his is my jodoh. Allah didn't simply dump me with any man, He gives me the best for me. My husband, he is so good to his wife. He does the laundry, he does the dishes, he DIYs every single things, he cleans the toilet... mashaallah... he even make sure our children do the house chores before mama does it. That is romantic. 
And it was last week, when we had our breakfast at our normal place, he told me, "you are beautiful. before this, it was you who keep telling me how thankful you are for our jodoh, and to me, kita memang dah jodoh. but today, i'm telling you, abang bersyukur to have you as my wife."oo ladies, please envy me. yup, he may not stayed up all night to do that handmade card like he did sixteen years ago.. he even forgot where he put the card he bought for me last year, and he still the romantic guy i knew and i married too. alhamdullillah. 

that man, twelve years ago, was supposed to be at the mosque for the akad nikah and was supposed to be there before his bride. he was supposed to wait for his future wife and not the other way round. 
that man failed!
he was late, fashionably late, and we were waiting for him instead.
and two days ago, he was supposed to board for his boat to the offshore platform and was supposed to be there at 3pm. the deck was three hours away, and we left the house exactly three hours before the given time, and not earlier but could be later. luckily there were no major incident or anything or else, he would really spoilt the company's reputation to one of their major clients. 
you see, even after twelve years, he is still late. 
on the other hand, being the daughter of a very strict army officer, i have always been compliance to time. be early or on time! 
but, i know for sure, he perfected me and that's perfect enough!
trust me, the time management has always been and issue to him and me. we would argues and fights, and it was ugly! it has always been our conflict, one with don't give a darn about time and one that takes a single second delay is a matter of life or death. and we've been putting up with each other for the past twelve years.. i would blame him disrespecting my plan and he would blame me for small things that doesn't matter as he surely made it just in time!
and we are still struggling with this! yup, still are! 
however, that weakness teach me the meaning of sabar. i am still learning. i pray hard. i believe, Allah will help us when we pray and ask for His help. insyallah, He will help us. all i have to do is never to lose faith, tawakal and sabar. I saw the changes. He did improve a lot trying to adhere to the time though he could have done that sooner..but better now than never. all i have to do is to have faith and sabar. insyaallah. I remember him telling me, "i will make sure i deliver on time, and won't deter other schedule"..so far, so good. alhamdullillah. 


fact is, he's not perfect!
that man, twelve years ago, never stop telling his wife to dress decently when he was not around. he didn't want other guys ogling at his wife but that doesn't stop him from looking at other girls.  
today, even after i have try my very best dressing up decently, he still makes the remarks if need be. 
it has always been our conflict when sometimes i find that he is just exaggerating.
but, i know for sure, he perfected me and that's perfect enough!
i can called him such a chauvinist or even an hypocrites. but, because of him, i am so much closer to Allah and just by adhering to his request to take care of my dressing, he makes me feel how important i am to him. that is enough! he just want me, all of me, to him. and that is what marriage is all about. i was that girl who wore short skirts and i was that girl who wore the tight shirts. and today, when we saw a passerby and he just speak his mind out loud 'sexy kan?', i understood why he asked me to cover up. i don't think i want to hear it out loud from any stranger giving that remarks to me. yup, he should lower his gaze too. and he agreed to that. but we are so comfortable with each other, and he would just share his opinions with me. to some extent, i am thankful he share it with me rather than keep it to himself or sharing it with his buddies. at least, i could know what he wants and likes in a lady. it's not bad, ladies. just don't take it personally when you hubby started giving such remarks. it's a motivation, you know. at least to us, alhamdullillah.  

fact is, he's not perfect!
that man, who way before we got married, already having issue with his sleeps arrangement and get worst when his wife fell sick. he just couldn't sleep much, or perhaps, refused to sleep. sadly, even after i completed my treatment and alhamdullillah in remission for two years now, he still having struggles sleeping. it's a mixed feeling you'd feel when you woke up in the middle of the sleep, to see he was not in bed and nope, he wasn't away from home but downstairs with his DIY tools mending the broken lamps, the wife's brooches, the daughter's toys, the son's glasses and all others. he just couldn't sleep and he just wanted to stay awake. i knew his body is tired. 
but, i know for sure, he perfected me and that's perfect enough!
mashaallah... i couldn't describe how i felt when i wrote this paragraph. i got well two years ago, and he is still struggling and not getting any better. but then, when i woke up and saw him on the sejadah, performing his solat.. definitely made me head over feet over this man. there were times, he woke me up when i was fast asleep so that i don't miss my prayers too. you see, we could complains all the way, but surely, everything that Allah has given to us is just perfect to us. He is The Planner and the best at it. mashaallah. it was difficult when he could not sleep, but i can never be thankful enough on what comes with it..alhamdullillah. 

we've been married for twelve years, we've known each other for sixteen years... there's so many things i could talk about him. and i will never stop talking about him. the beauty of everything is when i believe this love we have, kerana Allah SWT. i used to be the wife that cry in my prayers for my husband ignore my soft womanly needs.. all i need was for him to 'understand' what i want, to pujuk me, to manjekan me, to puji me. i cried when he said harsh words to me, and i talked in my prayer 'ya allah, berikanlah aku kesabaran,' and i still cried. 
what the heck was i thinking? 
i love him not because he is my jodoh.. i love him because of Him. mashaallah... sebab dia lelaki. we may not be perfect and we might have took the wrong paths during our younger years. but we realized we only have each other to perfect ourselves to Allah SWT. The love of Allah is what made us love this love we have and we plan to keep annoying each other as long as that could perfect us to become the better Muslim. 
i still cry in my prayers. i cry for i just couldn't be thankful enough to Allah on how kind He has been to us. Mashaallah. He gave a man, not just a man. A responsible man, a great father, a bestest friend, a wonderful gossiper, a loving charmer and all a lady can ask for. 

and this lady is not perfect at all. 

and so, today, abang, i know  have said it enough and i still want to say it, alhamdullillah for our jodoh.. kita doa sama2, kita nak hidup forever and ever... sampai firdausi.. saya KENA jadi ketua bidadari awak! 

p/s: cakaplah manje gila, tapi, manje tak putus doa, dan doa, dan doa, dan doa..manje nak senang kat padang mahsyar nanti..manje nak abang dekat manje, takut sorang2 nanti.. allahuakbar, azab akhirat.. jangan putus doa..  










Tuesday, August 9, 2016

the story we share

call it coincidence, but i believe it's faith and rezeki.
...
i just completed my lunch and thinking of window shopping while buying times to pickup the boys.
and i bumped into this 'stranger'. 
she looked at me and i looked at her. she smiled and i got confused.
I apologized to her,'sorry, you looked familiar but i could hardly recall where have we met!'
and she agreed, she might have mistook me with someone else.
i insisted,'nama apa ek?'
and suddenly triggered to her,' kak ain kan? ni noreen'
masyaallah
in an instance, we were hugging in the middle of the crowd.
and there was i, walking with her accompanying her for her lunch.
...
we were strangers, total strangers. the first time i met her, she was nothing like in the picture. she had more flesh, chubbier but she was worried. 
it was a quick meet up and she was curious. she had list of questions to find our.
the venue: Daycare Oncology Clinic, Level 3, Prince Court Medical Centre.
she's young, just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and was worried about her job at that time.
I remembered the second time i met her at her home. She just in the early stage of the radiotherapy session. She looked fine and was working on her laptop replying work-related emails!
what a strong hardworking lady!!
that was the only two times we met. 
she called last year, 'kak, i am so happy that i need to call you immediately.' i could hear tears in her voice. happiness tears. alhamdullillah, 'all cleared!'
we texted each other once a while and that was it.

it was nearing two years after our first, and met we bumped into each other yesterday.
...
it was like looking in the mirror.
skinny, pale body.
"ya allah, kurusnya! i could hardly recognize you!!"
ehem...look who's talking.

and so here's the thing, people will hate us. 
these two skinny bones just sitting at the foodcourt, taking a small portion of food in their plate and they should be banned from the food court!
and yes, they talked in a loud tone!

less that the passersby knew that we both lost our weight for not being able to swallow our own saliva for three months, which ended up us not eating at all. she lost nearly 30 kgs, and i lost my 20kgs. 
yes, envy us. 
but we both agree, we will never pray for any of you to be as skinny as us if should anyone need to go through the same process! the 33 times of radiotherapy burnt our throat, our tongues, our skins, our blood capillaries in the mouth, our saliva gland and many more. it took me six months to be able to eat a plain sweet and sour candy and still jumpy for the taste was too strong and it took me a year and more to be able to cry when i tasted the asam pedas which was not pedas at all and i could taste with with jumping and crying for water. 
we both are still struggling after two years. the buzzed in our ears, they invaded our ears and privacy. i hate it, and i just wish i could face them just to shoo them off. they are coward enough just to stay there, making so much noise that i finally make peace and decided to ignore they are there. but once a while, i broke down. i just miss the time where i could not here myself chewing. i just miss the time when i do not have to ask people to repeat themselves. i cried two nights ago. aimar was asking me why i was speaking in a low voice, super-low voice that he could hardly hear what i was saying. i didn't respond to his queries. his dad did. 'mama kan memang cakap perlahan. perempuan memang kena cakap perlahan.' my husband, he's an angel that God has sent from the above to take care of me while i'm here breathing. he knew i was struggling with the noise in my head, and he came to the rescue. he took care of everything and he didn't say a word when he saw me being super-silent. he just knew the language we speak. 
me and noreen are still struggling with feeling fatigues and once a while we broke down. we tend to break lose and ticked off easily. demn you chemo! you should make us healthy but you didn't tell us that you would stay for a while. we got tired easily. we blame the hormone. or maybe it was the hormone. but then, it wasn't fair, give us 72 hours of normal average woman, and in the next 48 hours there we were, on the bed, not being able to do anything but sleep and rest! it feels so helpless when our husbands were still woke up at the wee hours after his long day at work, just so the laundry were done, the dishes were cleaned the children were tucked in bed. ya allah, i never could stop counting my blessing of that 'edgy' 'grumpy' man i am married to. he is there letting his wife sleeps while other husbands are ready for bed themselves.

what i could conclude, after two years of chemo and radiotherapy, we are still the 'patients' we were. but i would never complaints. 

i got my ideal sixteen years figure (with some fat here and there la kan) back. 
i got to heal not just that physical cancer which resides behind my nose, but it surely heal my spiritual awareness.
i got to have a buzzing ears and my children would just hug me and tell me 'don't worry mama, this won't be long and we are always nearby to be your ears'
i got have a flawless skin and i would say the radio wave cleaned up all pores and ronasutra definitely good in maintaining it and it is sls-free and surely halallun toiyyiban!
i got to have time for what actually matters for i am no longer that 'energetic' enough to work and i guess that's the best gift i could give my ever-patience husband who has been insisted of me not to work for the past decade. 
yes, i woke in the middle for  the mouth are too dry. the saliva gland has to start fresh as it took 36yrs to develop and the radio burnt them all.. envy me for that... i got to wake up in the middle of the night, just to appreciate things that i never knew God has given us FOC and yet i kept forgetting to thank Him and i guess, waking up in the middle, berwudhu, bersolat, berdoa is the best He could give me for the cancer! sayang sungguh Allah pada hambaNya. aku ni, banyak sangat dosa, hina sangat tak pernah beringat bila berkata. and yet, i don't need an alarm to wake me in the middle of the night just for a sip of water and for talking to him one-to-one. masyaallah.
and of course, i got to feel love all around... masa sakit sampai lah sekarang, tak putus kawan-kawan, sedara-mara berkirim doa bersolat hajat for our well-being, insyaallah, those definitely help!

ok, if you asked how i felt.. despites all the 'sickness', 'tiredness', 'deafness' i've been describing, i'm happy that i was sick and healed. 

alhamdullillah. 
the treatment was traumatized. 
the remission is on-going and sometime it is a bit frustrating to know the effect would lasted up to ten fifteen years. 
but the sweetness i found now, i could never thank Allah enough. 
His love is ABUNDANCE. 
alhamdullillah.
   
...
and the unplanned 'reunion' was such a sweet coincidence. listening to our conversations and people might think we were complaining, trust us, we are not! 
we were just happy!
and we agree, no one should ever go through what we went through and still going through. 

just let us be. 

and so you people, stay healthy! physically and mentally!!

oo.. and yes, appreciate your body; 
you do need your saliva to keep on producing saliva as you could get chocked just by eating roti canai at the age of 30!
do not complain the food is too sour or too spicy for you won't know how it feels eating tomyam and tasted exactly like eating a cardboard, literally!
appreciate your ear wax and nose deposit.. you won't know how weird it feels to have a runny nose day and night  24-7 for the past two years and counting and you won't know how happy you could be when you got to have 'some' nose deposit or ear wax after two years and it's just not watery!

trust me, the little things that we take for granted. take good care of it! while you can!




Thursday, July 28, 2016

warded



we are dead bored. it's aidan day 3 warded in PHKL and he was supposed to be discharged today and yet we have been waiting since morning and still waiting for the paperworks and documentations.

sigh.
...
aidan asked me, have you ever been warded because of other reasons than cancer?

yup, for delivering you, aimar and aivey.
...
i never liked the thoughts of me being warded because of my cancer. it wasn't easy, for sure. and thinking and talking about it wasn't easy as well. 

my chemo and radio didn't require me to be warded. it was then i was introduced and got familiar with the terms 'daycare', 'homeleave' and 'day surgery'. 

however, during the treatment, there were times that i needed to be warded as i was infected with bacteria, i was too weak, i wasn't eating, i needed more blood.

it was tiring. for me and for the loved ones. everybody lost their patience at some breaking points. i was mad at my hubby and dad for leaving me all alone at the hospital while they were running here and there taking care of my children and the day-to-day routines. my hubby was angry for i refused to eat and i cried for i was sad when he was being insensitive while i forgot how uncomfortable for him to be sleeping at the make-do sofa turn bed for nights. i was mad when the nurses put in the tube from my nose down to my throat as they were trying to feed me. i was pissed as they told me it won't hurt but it was horrible horrible pain that i wouldn't mind being in labour for the fourth time! i was mad when i missed the children when I was warded and i screamed and asked them to go back home when they were making the hospital room too comfortable for them to play.

it has never been pleasant though people tried hard to accommodate me.
...

now that i'm reflecting back of what had happened, i just couldn't thank Allah enough for the abundance love He gave thru these beautiful people who matters!

thank you Allah 
thank you all and all.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

rambling

woow...
talking about consistency!
it has never been easy!!

but i still feel obligated to post things in this blog.
it's like a multivit to boost up my energy level..
...
and so it is the 7th syawal... already???
gosh..
time flies.

much to be said, it went ok.
we wore orange in the first day of syawal.
aimar did the whole month of fasting, and missed two or three nights of tarawikh at the surau.
of course, we always make sure that the boys never to miss their solat fardhu, before any other things,

i caught up with my quran readings, but not much for the boys.
guess would need to do more this month.
...
aivey,
gosh, she get smarter and smarter in her own way.
the latest was being the great counsellor, conciliating her parents arguments.
it wasn't great, but we both (the adults) were being so hard headed and childish.
aivey was so sweet and gentle, telling us 'orang kawin mana boleh fight-fight! tak baik, Allah tak suka'

mashaallah
malu pada diri sendiri bila budak lima tahun boleh nasihat begitu!
pang!

but, i'm still worried (not really la) of her not being able to read.
both of her abang managed to read phonics when they were five, but aivey is still struggling.

i have always been a strict and ambitious mama to the boys.
somehow, i spoiled aivey when it comes to school!
i'm not sure it was the aging effect me not bothering about those reading counting and everything as long as her 'life' skills are not worrying, or i just have to spoil her for she's so sweet every day.

but i guess, one got to do what one got to do.
she's in extra reading class today. and this will take up three days in a week, until she can read.
the least i can do.
...
so, it has been two years of me resigning from the corporate world.
i'm not sure if i miss that life or not.
i love what i'm  doing now; of not doing anything.
i wonder where my time has gone.
but then, i seems to be occupied on every waking hours.
hmmm
i still 'care' subconsciously when people ask 'what do you do?'
to me, answering 'not working' got it all wrong.
if i'm not working, why do i have so many things in my list?
yup, i do, read the quran, taddabbur, read books, teach kids, pick them up, send them off, please the husband, be beautiful, buy nice baju, wear nice tudung... and so on and so on...
so, is that 'not working' to you?
it is work, to me.
so, telling that i have to help with something because i am not working, and you are, i guess is not right at all!
do i sound envious to that?
am i envy of those 'working' mother?
do i feel 'inferior' for being label 'non-working mom'?
well, i guess a nigger will surely be pissed when the white stranger call them 'nigger', but they surely wouldn't mind calling themselves niggers..
same situation i'm having!

to think of it, i never can't thank Allah enough for having a 'strict' supportive husband and always believe what i'm doing is what i should be doing.
while some of the working mom wish they could spend some times reading few ayat from the quran, i was rushing to finish mine for the fifth time. and i haven't been working for two years, only. can you imagine how much i've wasted for the 14 years of working and no quran reading at all?

and so, i would feel 'stupid' for not 'thinking' once a while.. and then, came aidan showing me his science book talking about energy. 'sifat-sifat cahaya'... gosh, give it to mama.... i guess i did well explaining to him, and i'm sure he could take the PMR science paper at his level of understanding after my explanation. so, alhamdullillah for the ilmu that i have and thank you abah mama for making sure i was well educated.
...

ok, i've said enough for now.

how's you day?