Masih ada rindu

Tiba-tiba, airmata dia berderai. Jatuh gugur. Lama dah tak nangis tiba-tiba... 

Sakit rindu tu lagi pedih dari sakit kena chemo. 

Sakit rindu tu merobek-robek dada tak terungkap dengan bahasa. 

Sakit rindu tu takkan habis sampai bila-bila. 

...

My determined Aivey

Copy paste my status in FB to this more limited space for memory sake - it wasn't good memory and I know, even Aivey would remember this when she grow up..

The day she got so strong when her best friend told her she's not good enough for the team.

...

Mama pos gambar Aivey sini
…
Subhanallah, this small-built girl is one strong lady whom I am still clueless where she get the strength from!!!

Dia membesar dok tengok mama nangis, mama baring terjelepok, mama tak larat, mama tido.. (i slept at 8 semalam, tu yg terjaga tengah malam ni, alhamdulillah)

She has always been my ‘adult’ comforting me (and aboh too lah kan)..when I was sad, break down and burst out.

Yesterday, I cried again - and this time it was for her.
…
I picked her up lambat from school semalam. She said she wanted to practice her recorder. She’s been trying her very best to gain the skill the day bila teacher made the announcement about the TalentShow (which I have ‘issues’ with).

Ingat lagi masa dia balik lepas the announcement day.
‘Ma, I have no talent! Saya nak join xxx main recorder, and she asked me, ”do you have the talent!” I want to start learning ma!’
As mama Zur’ain, I convinced her that she could have it if she tried. And so, she did!
She bought the recorder from her pocket money.. beli kat DIY RM12. She watched the YouTube and wrote the notes and learned from her friends too.. I was impressed that she could self-taught herself within two weeks. Memanglah tak expert…

Last two days, she was telling me how much she looked forward for the sunday training with the girls.. Tapi, mama rasa lebih nak gi lepak and mandi pool je kot… 🤭

And petang semalam, when I picked her up at school, sayup-sayup dari jauh dengar bunyi recorder.. but this time dah tak baper off tune macam sebelum2 ni.. It was her!

Masuk kete, she told me, “Ma, saya tak main recorder lah. xxx kata dah penuh!”
I know something was not right, and so I asked!
“Saya tak pandai main. Tak sedap. So, tadi masa going home time, xxx cakap she had to kick me off, sebab dah penuh. It’s ok lah Ma!”
Terus my defensive mama mode switched on..

I’m not into commenting about the talent show and the school despite I do feel there’s a lot of missing goodness elements in it…
I ust want to share the strength Aivey reflected that evening when I picked her up and she told me she got kicked up by her friend…

She didn’t shed a tears!
“Awak tak sedih ke Vy?”
‘Why should I?’
“You’ve been practicing hard. You don’t even know how to tiup and now you could tell which is G notes, A notes and all. You’ve been planning for this Sunday practice. Out of sudden, you are out! I’d be sad if I were you!”
‘I don’t see why I must be sad, ma. I am mad. Saya marah sebab suddenly they have enough team, but before this they were ok. Saya marah sikit. But I don’t see why must I be sad and cry and all.. it’s not the end of the world! I can still live on.’

wow!!! Budak kecik ni tak pernah fail ajar mana nak hidup macam mana..
I was speechless listening to her khutbah. I was crying masa tu.. Rasa frustrated bila orang buat anak saya, and I couldn’t be at much help! We hugged and we are ok.

“You can always do other talent Vy! Teacher Fad cakap you are good at arithmetic!”
‘No need lah Mama.. I don’t like to be on stage alone by myself!’
…

Agghhh…
it’s human nature to be inclusive!
I know I would still feel sad when I saw those postings by my close relatives attending weddings, tunang, kenduri and makan2 and I was not in the pictures.
It wasn’t easy to stay strong and say ‘i’m ok!’

I was insisting for aivey to tell me that she’s not ok. I told her she shouldn’t hide her feelings.
‘it’s ok lah mama… i don’t cry, so, you should not cry too! we should just be good je, kan mama?’

Allahuakbar.. mana datang darah pahlawan dia ni?

It’s a harsh world out there, and mama always want the best of you.. Indeed you are the best for us! Alhamdulillah.

Ya Allah, jaga dia molek untuk yang baik-baik, Allahumma ameen.
…

Apparently.. I did asked her the details.. and this is more heartbroken, 

"Ma, Ayra knew that the Talentshow is postponed to February - which should be long enough to practice my skill...."

and so I asked her what did Ayra said on that day?

"She said they were so many people, so she asked me if I have other instruments that I can play? so I told her i can plan keyboard, but Ayra said she will be playing keyboard. And then, I told her I could play the xylophone, and she said no and she said I cannot join them!"

Aivey is one strong girl that not in me. 

I am still shedding tears when I remember how hard she's been practicing her recorded, so hard. 

I can vividly hear that recorded sound (or maybe noise) and how much she has improved so that she can join the talentshow... she just wanted to be inclusive.. and I can never stop feeling sad when I felt people that matters stayed away from me and stop including me in their life. 

and that was why I cried. and still crying..

As I asked Aivey, why are you not crying... she said, "I'm not sad. So I don't have to cry. But yes, I am mad!"

May Allah bless you for your patience, dear. 

It is possible

I brokedown, again, as I’m writing this.

I wanted to share my feelings in the FB, but I guess it is best suited to be keep here..

So that, when Aidan, Aimar, Aivey read this blog as I am no longer valid, they knew as mama was waiting in the car for Aivey to complete her kumon and Aboh was working offshore, I just brokedown.

I cried.

An-Nahl 16:90

إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِٱلْعَدْلِ وَٱلْإِحْسَٰنِ وَإِيتَآئِ ذِى ٱلْقُرْبَىٰ وَيَنْهَىٰ عَنِ ٱلْفَحْشَآءِ وَٱلْمُنكَرِ وَٱلْبَغْىِۚ يَعِظُكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ

Sesungguhnya Allah menyuruh berlaku adil, dan berbuat kebaikan, serta memberi bantuan kepada kaum kerabat; dan melarang daripada melakukan perbuatan-perbuatan yang keji dan mungkar serta kezaliman. Ia mengajar kamu (dengan suruhan dan laranganNya ini), supaya kamu mengambil peringatan mematuhiNya.

Indeed, Allah orders justice and good conduct and giving [help] to relatives and forbids immorality and bad conduct and oppression. He admonishes you that perhaps you will be reminded.

...

I had my blood test done with Rozi two months ago - my TSH was so high, which means my thyroid hormone is low. I had our weekly tadabbur at Taman Tugu and it was during the walkabout, I went all black, and fainted. Shasha was there, and she was fasting - the park was nothing for any normal person.. obviously, not me. Shasha said I was having 'fit' back then. 

Anyway, to cut it short, Rozi asked me to see an endocrinologist. And so, I went and set my appointment with Dr Shamin. 

Dia bagi thyroxin to makan everyday for a month... so, after one month, I went and visited her last Tuesday. 

Not much of an improvement - sebab iron sangat2 takde perubahan, hemoglobin masih bawah average... maka, dia nak setelkan hal darah dulu... 

Lepas tu, Dr Shamin pelik... 'why is your prolactin so high ye?'..

"what's prolactin, doc?"

'it's hormone for breastfeeding mom to produce milk'

a-ha! spot on!!

"well, since the chemo & radio, I do have milk coming out from my body - it was quite a lot last time, but it has reduced. nowadays, if i were to squeeze and force it out, there'll be some drops"...

Maka, di situ mulalah Dr Shamin faham - so, she's putting me for MRI scan in ten days time. 

The thing about MRI is that, I do have traumatic experiences with it - coming from where I had been before, it's all about cancer... 

The machine is so 'annoyingly' difficult to handle.. you can't move, you have to stay still and it is so noisy and take ages! 

Alhamdulillah for I'm the type of those who could simply fell asleep despite the noise. 

So, it was only the first time that I didn't sleep, and the 2nd, 3rd and 4th times, I did fell asleep. 

After 8 years, Dr Shamin mentioned it, and I just have mixed feeling about it. 

I can smell the chill of the room, the coolest place in the ground floor of the hospital, the me alone while the technician watching the scanning process, and my hubby outside the changing room, waiting for me to come out in no time.... 

I never like MRI. And that was why I set the date when my husband is back onshore. Even he couldn't do much and will just roam around when I'm doing my MRI, the idea of seeing him before I enter the room and coming out to look for him and he'll be there is soothing enough, Alhamdulillah..

I hope the result won't be anything serious. 

...

It just that at this late hour, I just feel like crying. I just miss the thought of me missing to be around my only nephew that I never met! I knew him, but he never had the chance to know his Mama Ain (yet, insyaallah).. I really wanted to spoiled him. I really wanted to tell him how he could be great like his cousins Abang Aidan and Abang Aimar. I really wanted to him to know how much I pray for his wellbeing when I knew the news he is in her mom's womb. 

We won't know what will happen in the future. 

No matter how great the machines were built to predict health, it is still being built by men. 

The Creator that built men is The Greatest - He knows!

...

If I never had the chance to talk and play and see how Iean grow, I hope that my children could tell him in person, "Iean, Mama Ain do loves you! Be a good soleh son to your parents, and you'll be just fine, Allahumma ameen"

It's funny how one could miss someone they never met, but it's possible!

45 years, Alhamdulillah

I started typing in the title of the blog on my birthday... and had 'dump' it in silent since. 

Alhamdulillah, I was 45 years last week.

Alhamdulillah, I was celebrating my birthday, just as long as I've remembered it - not celebrating it. It was a beautiful gesture when mama called me up as early as 9am, invited me for the morning coffee with abah - usually, they would be out for coffee at 10am - that day, they made it one hour early, remembering my birthday. 

...

As for my kids - Aivey wished me the night before, Aidan called early in the morning, Aimar called later in the evening, and my hubby was back in one piece from KK on my birthday - asking if the kids had greeted me. 

And that was it. 

I wasn't expecting for anything - but, it would be great if......

it would be great if, if, if... so, I'll just reserved the if. 

...

How was my birthday?

Alhamdulillah ... 'ala kulli haal 

Turned back and ran away

I don't understand how people can just pretend things are ok when things are not. 

It's horrible ~ it's true, it is best to be kind rather... but that shouldn't be the reason for one to conceal the truth, as much as how hurtful the truth would be!

It's horrible to smile when you know how pretentious one could be. 

Worst still when the one who is pretending is yourself. 

Don't you hate it?

It's even worst when you heard that because of your pretense, people think you are okay. As a matter of fact, people think you are happier than ever. While you, struggling to put up a straight stable hands, so that the shivering could disappear and every muscle in your body not pushing yourself as hard as you felt when you were being pretentious. 

People hate faker, yet, people are being a faker themselves. 

Boo-hoo!

It's horrible when one could just shook and kissed you hand, hugged you with big smile and all gone when the moment you turned back... all gone because she was pretending when she shook you hand, kissed it and hugged you and smiled. she wasn't being truthful. 

Even worst when she told your mom it was you who turned away when all you did was turning back to pick up your stuff so that you could sit nearer to them. 

It's not bad - i chose the wrong word. 

It's just sad. 

and I'm still crying. 

Go away, depression. Please!

 I learn something about the depressed people

…

selalu tertanya org yang bunuh diri sebab depressed ni, diorang takde iman ke? diorang ingat bunuh diri tu jalan keluar ke? 

selalu tertanya org yang duk kurung diri sebab depressed ni, diorang tak bukak Quran ke? diorang tak zikir bebanyak ke?

…

Listen to me - Quran and zikir itulah peneman orang yang betul2 tengah depressed. 

Bila rasa takde sapa nak ngadu, rasa kosong… Allah benar2 rasa dekat, tempat nak sembang… kadang2, urat2 dah tak larat, terjelepok terbaring je, perut berbunyi lapar tapi nak makan nak mengunyah tak larat, muka dah sembab nangis, air mata non-stop keluar dalam solat luar solat… tak tahu dah nak doa apa.. diri sendiri tak tahu apa yang kita nak, apa yang kita rasa, apa yang kita perlu.

Kalau syaitan mampu cucuk jarum, kau mula persoal kenapa Allah turun ujian ni kat ko. Kau mula nak start compare kenapa orang buat ko hepi je. Kenapa ko try jadi baik tapi masih ada orang khianat.

Paling teruk bila ko start self-blaming yourself, rasa tak syukur, rasa zalim, lupa diri, kalah takmo bersabar, sombong… sume rasa yang buat orang lain tak salah but you.

Dan tak terkejut, ada gak ko rasa, ‘Ya Allah, aku nak jumpa ko, Ya Allah. Aku nak ko amik nyawa aku, Ya Allah’

Allahuakbar 

Astaghfirullah.

Masa tu, kau kena kuat. Kau betul2 kena istighfar.Kau kena sungguh2 ingatkan diri kau yang rasa sakit yang ntah kenapa tu kejap je ~ Allah nak suruh kau sabar sabar sabar… Allah nak kau sembang ngan Dia sebab Dia bukan tak tahu apa kau rasa, Dia nak kau sendiri tahu yang Dia ada… simpan Dia rapat2, jaga Dia…Kau kena ulang2 mintak Allah tolong kau

Istighfar… istighfar .. istighfar.. itu yang paling tenang… magic istighfar ni, especially bila kau betul2 mengharap sandaranNya, kau baca 4,5 kali je pun, insyaallah… akan datang rasa tenang..

Bukanlah lepas tu kau rasa ok. Tapi bisik perlahan2 kat dalam hati kau, ‘kejap je rasa ni.. Allah nak kau sabar kejap je… ‘.. ikut tips Rasulullah SAW… tengok orang yang diuji teruk dari kau… apalah sangat ngan ujian ko.. sedara sendiri boikot ko tak ajak gi mkn2, ada orang mati anak mak ayah tak leh nak jumpe gi makan pun sampai kiamat - itu pun kalau kau dapat masuk syurga cam diorg.. itu contoh ujian…takde kait mengait yang hidup atau mati..

Hei you, depression is real, and being mentally defeated is soooooooo horribly sakit as compared to physically pain masa chemo and radio… cuma keep reminding yourself, Allah kan ada. Alhamdulillah 

Depression is real

I'm the generation that is build to shut off emotion, and that depression, grief and sadness are not mental sickness. 

Does that make me a 'bad' person with no 'empathy'?

The before-me-now might want to justify from the tip of my hair to my toes that I wasn't a bad person, I did have empathy and still do and those are depressed, grieving and being sad are those who are 'weak'..

But that was the before-me-now. 

Today, as I looked on the Whatsapp status of my cousins whom I still in touch with, and saw them ( everyone but me) were comfortably seated on the VIP stand to watch the Merdeka Parade, I cried ~ for no reason... 

That wasn't the first time!

Now that Abang has his own onshore-offshore shift, things hasn't been as 'easy' for me ~ I cried a lot, alone, in my room, just feeling sad and depressed. I was grieving... over things that out of my control.. over things that beyond my reach. 

I felt bad to myself. 

I cried and cried and cried until I refused to eat and got tired. 

I slept and let Aivey be all by herself, in hope that she would sleep when her time for sleep reached the limit. 

I felt so weak and it lasted until the next morning ..

No doubt, tahjud really soothed me out!

It gave comfort. 

Talking to Him, all the time, always the best medicine. 

Yet, I still cried when things get rough... 

When I felt isolated and feeling being ignored.. 

And I would talk to Him over and over again.. 

Not asking Him why I felt that way..but 'bitching' about those heartless people who never care.

I don't have the heart to do that to others. 

I don't like it because I don't like people to do it on me. 

Yet, I still find people keep doing to me. 

And I wonder why?

.... and I actually know why ~ because Allah wants me to talk to Him. 

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal..