Turned back and ran away

I don't understand how people can just pretend things are ok when things are not. 

It's horrible ~ it's true, it is best to be kind rather... but that shouldn't be the reason for one to conceal the truth, as much as how hurtful the truth would be!

It's horrible to smile when you know how pretentious one could be. 

Worst still when the one who is pretending is yourself. 

Don't you hate it?

It's even worst when you heard that because of your pretense, people think you are okay. As a matter of fact, people think you are happier than ever. While you, struggling to put up a straight stable hands, so that the shivering could disappear and every muscle in your body not pushing yourself as hard as you felt when you were being pretentious. 

People hate faker, yet, people are being a faker themselves. 

Boo-hoo!

It's horrible when one could just shook and kissed you hand, hugged you with big smile and all gone when the moment you turned back... all gone because she was pretending when she shook you hand, kissed it and hugged you and smiled. she wasn't being truthful. 

Even worst when she told your mom it was you who turned away when all you did was turning back to pick up your stuff so that you could sit nearer to them. 

It's not bad - i chose the wrong word. 

It's just sad. 

and I'm still crying. 

Go away, depression. Please!

 I learn something about the depressed people

…

selalu tertanya org yang bunuh diri sebab depressed ni, diorang takde iman ke? diorang ingat bunuh diri tu jalan keluar ke? 

selalu tertanya org yang duk kurung diri sebab depressed ni, diorang tak bukak Quran ke? diorang tak zikir bebanyak ke?

…

Listen to me - Quran and zikir itulah peneman orang yang betul2 tengah depressed. 

Bila rasa takde sapa nak ngadu, rasa kosong… Allah benar2 rasa dekat, tempat nak sembang… kadang2, urat2 dah tak larat, terjelepok terbaring je, perut berbunyi lapar tapi nak makan nak mengunyah tak larat, muka dah sembab nangis, air mata non-stop keluar dalam solat luar solat… tak tahu dah nak doa apa.. diri sendiri tak tahu apa yang kita nak, apa yang kita rasa, apa yang kita perlu.

Kalau syaitan mampu cucuk jarum, kau mula persoal kenapa Allah turun ujian ni kat ko. Kau mula nak start compare kenapa orang buat ko hepi je. Kenapa ko try jadi baik tapi masih ada orang khianat.

Paling teruk bila ko start self-blaming yourself, rasa tak syukur, rasa zalim, lupa diri, kalah takmo bersabar, sombong… sume rasa yang buat orang lain tak salah but you.

Dan tak terkejut, ada gak ko rasa, ‘Ya Allah, aku nak jumpa ko, Ya Allah. Aku nak ko amik nyawa aku, Ya Allah’

Allahuakbar 

Astaghfirullah.

Masa tu, kau kena kuat. Kau betul2 kena istighfar.Kau kena sungguh2 ingatkan diri kau yang rasa sakit yang ntah kenapa tu kejap je ~ Allah nak suruh kau sabar sabar sabar… Allah nak kau sembang ngan Dia sebab Dia bukan tak tahu apa kau rasa, Dia nak kau sendiri tahu yang Dia ada… simpan Dia rapat2, jaga Dia…Kau kena ulang2 mintak Allah tolong kau

Istighfar… istighfar .. istighfar.. itu yang paling tenang… magic istighfar ni, especially bila kau betul2 mengharap sandaranNya, kau baca 4,5 kali je pun, insyaallah… akan datang rasa tenang..

Bukanlah lepas tu kau rasa ok. Tapi bisik perlahan2 kat dalam hati kau, ‘kejap je rasa ni.. Allah nak kau sabar kejap je… ‘.. ikut tips Rasulullah SAW… tengok orang yang diuji teruk dari kau… apalah sangat ngan ujian ko.. sedara sendiri boikot ko tak ajak gi mkn2, ada orang mati anak mak ayah tak leh nak jumpe gi makan pun sampai kiamat - itu pun kalau kau dapat masuk syurga cam diorg.. itu contoh ujian…takde kait mengait yang hidup atau mati..

Hei you, depression is real, and being mentally defeated is soooooooo horribly sakit as compared to physically pain masa chemo and radio… cuma keep reminding yourself, Allah kan ada. Alhamdulillah 

Depression is real

I'm the generation that is build to shut off emotion, and that depression, grief and sadness are not mental sickness. 

Does that make me a 'bad' person with no 'empathy'?

The before-me-now might want to justify from the tip of my hair to my toes that I wasn't a bad person, I did have empathy and still do and those are depressed, grieving and being sad are those who are 'weak'..

But that was the before-me-now. 

Today, as I looked on the Whatsapp status of my cousins whom I still in touch with, and saw them ( everyone but me) were comfortably seated on the VIP stand to watch the Merdeka Parade, I cried ~ for no reason... 

That wasn't the first time!

Now that Abang has his own onshore-offshore shift, things hasn't been as 'easy' for me ~ I cried a lot, alone, in my room, just feeling sad and depressed. I was grieving... over things that out of my control.. over things that beyond my reach. 

I felt bad to myself. 

I cried and cried and cried until I refused to eat and got tired. 

I slept and let Aivey be all by herself, in hope that she would sleep when her time for sleep reached the limit. 

I felt so weak and it lasted until the next morning ..

No doubt, tahjud really soothed me out!

It gave comfort. 

Talking to Him, all the time, always the best medicine. 

Yet, I still cried when things get rough... 

When I felt isolated and feeling being ignored.. 

And I would talk to Him over and over again.. 

Not asking Him why I felt that way..but 'bitching' about those heartless people who never care.

I don't have the heart to do that to others. 

I don't like it because I don't like people to do it on me. 

Yet, I still find people keep doing to me. 

And I wonder why?

.... and I actually know why ~ because Allah wants me to talk to Him. 

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal.. 

What is JOY?

 I've been thinking about what brings me joy?

Is it when my children got good scores at school? Is it when my hubby bring big bonus from work? Is it when I am all filled up and had good me-time rest??

Alhamdulillah bini'matihi tatimus solihaati... All the rizq that Allah has given me is countless. Fullstop..

I would always define joy as the time when we will be call upon to enter Jannah

[Al-Fajr 28-30]

يَٰٓأَيَّتُهَا ٱلنَّفۡسُ ٱلۡمُطۡمَئِنَّةُ (27) ٱرۡجِعِيٓ إِلَىٰ رَبِّكِ رَاضِيَةٗ مَّرۡضِيَّةٗ (28) فَٱدۡخُلِي فِي عِبَٰدِي (29) وَٱدۡخُلِي جَنَّتِي (30)

“O the tranquil soul!Return to your Lord, well pleased and pleasing [to Him].Join My [righteous] slaves,and enter My Paradise.” Indeed, this is the ultimate joy ~ when Allah is pleased with us, and when we get the invites to be in the Paradise, joining the others, Ameen. 
Therefore, my work here is to find joy, to please Allah and be His righteous slaves for His Jannah. 

May Allah gives me and all of us the strength to find the enternity joy, Allahumma Ameen

Fokus!

 Masih belum ada disiplin nak tulis macam dulu-dulu lagi...

...

Masih rasa perlu untuk menulis sebab teralu banyak cerita yang lepas yang tak mungkin terulang dan akan luput dalam ingatan... 

Ada sebabnya turun 5 ayat pertama surah Al-'Alaq sebagai wahyu pertama yang diterima Rasulullah SAW dari Allah SWT dengan pengantaranya Jibril RA, untuk diri ini mentadaburri nikmat membaca dan menulis.... 

[Al-'Alaq 3-5]

ٱقۡرَأۡ وَرَبُّكَ ٱلۡأَكۡرَمُ (3) ٱلَّذِي عَلَّمَ بِٱلۡقَلَمِ (4) عَلَّمَ ٱلۡإِنسَٰنَ مَا لَمۡ يَعۡلَمۡ (5)

Bacalah, dan Tuhanmu Yang Maha Pemurah, -Yang mengajar manusia melalui pena dan tulisan, -Ia mengajarkan manusia apa yang tidak diketahuinya.

...

Alhamduillah, we went to Aivey's PTC last Saturday.. 
Aivey never had a formal exam / test ever... Zaman dia, diorang mansuhkan test untuk Darjah 1..lepas tu Covid and PKP and all sorts ... now, masih belum ada ura-ura nak hidupkan balik UPSR... sampai ke sudah, debar exam tu tak hadir2 dalam hidup dia.. huhuhu....

Of course I am worried for her.. 
Saya masih the old-school mom yang nak tengok level anak through test and exams.. Tapi, with the new system, nak paksa sekolah buat exam pun, payah gak..kalau sekolah buatkan, ada lak parents lain yang cakap Kementerian cakap tak payah...huhuhuhu

Huhuhuhuhu.. dilema the millineal generation!

...

Anyway, back to Aivey's PTC.. first thing first, Teacher bagitau "dia tak fokus kak! semua teachers pun reported the same!"

and that was not new to her! Setiap kali PTC, it would be the same issue - tak focus. Yet, it didn't effect her understanding in learning... except for BM and those subjects in Bahasa..huhuhuhu

Aimar dulu pun (dan mungkin sampai hari ni) ada masalah tak boleh fokus dalam kelas ni. Cikgu dok pesan, bagi dia extra latihaan from home so that he would be occupied.. masalahnya, dah bagi latihan pun, dia cepat-cepat siap lepas tu lalalalalala..

Bila teacher cakap tak fokus ni, maknanya tak duduk diam... 

Teacher bagi kerja, dia siap cepat, pastu dia resah gelisah... 

As for Aivey, lagi tambah masalah, bila tak fokus, dia pi kacau kawan and disturb class..huhuhuh stress lak mama dengar!

To some extent, dah level bully (Alysa,especially) lak jadinya..huhuhuhu

And if she had to sit still, she would sleep..Level ngantuk dia, melampau gak lah..sampai teacher suruh berdiri pun, dia boleh sambung tido...

Mama, cry now!

...

Macam-macam peel anak ni. 

Orang kata budak tak duduk diam ni budak pandai... 

Alhamdulillah... 

Antara Aidan, Aimar, Aivey... level tak duduk diam ni, memula ingat Aimar yang win.. tapi, lepas PTC baru ni, I had to give it Aivey.. huhuhuh

Aidan is so mama, skema, fokus... sume on-point.. 

Aimar, Aivey - bukan mama, nak cakap aboh tu, tak boleh nak main tuduh sebab kami tak membesar sama.. tapi, i have big gut feeling the young ashraf was so like Aimar and Aivey..hahaha

Alhamdulillah

For whatever, I have one secret recipe... doa mintak Allah jaga depa semua. Ya Allah, jangan sedetik cuma pun Kau biarkan kami uruskan diri kami, Ya Allah.. Ameen Allahumma Ameen.

Indeed, mama yakin Allah jaga anak-anak mama... dan mama harap sangat-sangat, anak-anak jaga Allah..sebab bila kita jaga Allah, Allah jaga kita.. 

Check diri - solat on time tak?

Ada infaq sedekah tak?

Buat baik kat orang tak?

Spread salam and kindness tak?

Ada nyusahkan orang tak?

...

Aidan, Aimar, Aivey ... jaga Allah selagi nyawa dikandung badan. 

Nak fokus tak susah - put the right intention on what you want to do, put Allah as your intention, and all wil good, insyaallah. 

Forgive us, Ya Allah

 Without me realizing, I've written so many things about my life in this blog. 

The posts count reached 394, and of course, some of the posts had never been published at all... the good thing about having own blog - you could pick what to publish and what not.

And that make me wonder ~ since 2009 and 2022.. those are a few of thoughts that I've put in my blog. Being it been published or not, I still could read it and I have mixed feelings - most post before my Cancer Era, was 'horrifying' ~ my adab was waaaaaaaaaaaaay in the bin, my language was inappropriately vulgar and my head was haywired ~

I wanted to keep everything in draft - just for my own reading.. but some, I just couldn't ... not because I was proud of what I wrote ... but I hope, it could remind my kids, "how could mama said that?".. so that they knew how regretful mama was for being bad!

and so I could remind myself, if those things were said and done, at least I could redone it by deleting or putting them in draft mode ~ but the content was still there ~ and what happened during the hearing at the Hereafter. 

Astaghfirullullah... Ya Allah, forgive us Ya Allah..

Only from Your Mercy could we be save from the Hellfire. 

Forgive us, Ya Allah. 

Writers don't write

I can never write my own book ~ I doubt that many writers would manage to do that.. I always wonder why it is so difficult to write our own story when it was a direct first-hand experience from within us?

I guess, I know the answer. 

"If I were to write my own story, I doubt that the reader would agree with me that it is a real life story ~ just like many others, I would also think it would be too good to be real... "

and the follow suit remarks would be ~ a-ha, she's a writer!

And that's why writers don't write their own non-fiction real life story!

...