Aidan wanted to write a blog.
I was elated.
I told him, just start one and write whatever.
He shared with me his first write-up.
And that's the reason I'm putting this blog into private mode.
It kills!
....
Aidan,
I'm sorry for what I've done and wrote.
I didn't see the mess until the mess was told.
I know you know I meant well.
About the JDM, the word and all...
I have my side of story..
so that you will read and understand when the time comes.
Wednesday, November 13, 2019
BARUA
(I'm posting it here, before Aidan got his own blog established)
BARUA
Muhammad Afieq Aidan bin Mohd Ashraf
“Babi kau dahla pendek aku bantai kau barua”-beyl
Actually I don’t know what did i do receive this stigma. Of course, i am not the ideal height for a 14-year old probably healthy male; but what about “barua”? What defines “barua”? Am i a “barua”? Are you “barua”? What are the effects of “barua”? Should we “barua”?
BARUA ORIGINS
The actual definition of barua is turned 180° to the “barua” known to students, specifically boarding school students.
“Barua”
1.(v.) Reporting to higher authority any wrong-doings done by a specific party e.g. smoking
2.(n.) People who “barua”
Well, I have to admit that original group of people who started this trend of labelling others as “barua” did a great job of spreading the message. The effect of their actions are just so strong, it is still present until now.
“Barua” is now also known to take other forms like “makpot” and “taipot”.
MY STORY
From the first day of boarding school, I have always struggled to make friends. I was casted as an outsider to locals. In fact, I wasn’t the only one. Klang Valley citizens were definitely the minority. Pekan roads were not exactly like the busy nights of Kuala Lumpur.
I was mentally bullied. I did not know what to do. As a 13-year old boy who was homesick, mentally bullied and hundred of kilometres from home, I cried a lot. I tried to tell my parents about how people treated me, they shrugged it off saying I was just homesick. I wasn’t going to let people smudge my face with a welcome mat every night. I had to do something.
When they realised what I was going through. My parents were sad and mad; and alhamdulillah my parents were very vocal and protective of their children. My mother urged the school to investigate. The school did nothing. We were sad and quite shocked. My parents lost all hope on still studying there with all the stupid reasons the management gave to avoid investigation.
Alhamdulillah, transferred to a different school on 9 April 2018 in Alor Gajah, Melaka. Nobody knew why I transferred schools. Had fun there probably until they found out about my mother’s blog.
My mother runs a blog. A lot of readers. Quite well known. And if you search in my current school’s name, scroll down and you find a bunch of blogs about my experience back in Pekan.
The stories about my mother’s blog spread fast. ”Kau tahu tak mak Aidan ade blog…macam2 ada”
People started to tease me about the blogs. “Alahh…jangan koyak dan, nanti mak kau buat blog kang,” was what I usually heard when I get upset about something. The joke about the blogs stopped around October 2018.
Fast forward to early 2019, people started to rediscover the blogs. I usually tell them to get away from me. Bla bla bla. JDM and everything else happened.
August, they started calling “barua” for something they even know the truth to. “Barua” became a label to me to the point when you think of me, you think of “barua”
BARUA
Muhammad Afieq Aidan bin Mohd Ashraf
“Babi kau dahla pendek aku bantai kau barua”-beyl
Actually I don’t know what did i do receive this stigma. Of course, i am not the ideal height for a 14-year old probably healthy male; but what about “barua”? What defines “barua”? Am i a “barua”? Are you “barua”? What are the effects of “barua”? Should we “barua”?
BARUA ORIGINS
The actual definition of barua is turned 180° to the “barua” known to students, specifically boarding school students.
“Barua”
1.(v.) Reporting to higher authority any wrong-doings done by a specific party e.g. smoking
2.(n.) People who “barua”
Well, I have to admit that original group of people who started this trend of labelling others as “barua” did a great job of spreading the message. The effect of their actions are just so strong, it is still present until now.
“Barua” is now also known to take other forms like “makpot” and “taipot”.
MY STORY
From the first day of boarding school, I have always struggled to make friends. I was casted as an outsider to locals. In fact, I wasn’t the only one. Klang Valley citizens were definitely the minority. Pekan roads were not exactly like the busy nights of Kuala Lumpur.
I was mentally bullied. I did not know what to do. As a 13-year old boy who was homesick, mentally bullied and hundred of kilometres from home, I cried a lot. I tried to tell my parents about how people treated me, they shrugged it off saying I was just homesick. I wasn’t going to let people smudge my face with a welcome mat every night. I had to do something.
When they realised what I was going through. My parents were sad and mad; and alhamdulillah my parents were very vocal and protective of their children. My mother urged the school to investigate. The school did nothing. We were sad and quite shocked. My parents lost all hope on still studying there with all the stupid reasons the management gave to avoid investigation.
Alhamdulillah, transferred to a different school on 9 April 2018 in Alor Gajah, Melaka. Nobody knew why I transferred schools. Had fun there probably until they found out about my mother’s blog.
My mother runs a blog. A lot of readers. Quite well known. And if you search in my current school’s name, scroll down and you find a bunch of blogs about my experience back in Pekan.
The stories about my mother’s blog spread fast. ”Kau tahu tak mak Aidan ade blog…macam2 ada”
People started to tease me about the blogs. “Alahh…jangan koyak dan, nanti mak kau buat blog kang,” was what I usually heard when I get upset about something. The joke about the blogs stopped around October 2018.
Fast forward to early 2019, people started to rediscover the blogs. I usually tell them to get away from me. Bla bla bla. JDM and everything else happened.
August, they started calling “barua” for something they even know the truth to. “Barua” became a label to me to the point when you think of me, you think of “barua”
Monday, October 21, 2019
Part 3 - Birthday Aivey
Aivey turned 8 on September 14th.
'Traditionally', as much as I (mama) wished Aivey would be able to have big birthdays every year, aboh is sticking to his rules 'celebrate besar-besaran sekali je dalam hidup, when you turn 8.'
Aidan had his 8th bday at the lavish Sports Planet Ampang, a day before my chemotherapy started. It was all fun and big bday celebration with his classmates from St John and the neigbours and families and friends.
Aimar had his 8th bday at the laser tag in Wangsa Walk. He had his friends and the families joined in. It was memorable and definitely fun!
On Aivey's turning had, I was a bit 'worried'.
I was worried if she wishes on something that we couldn't fulfil and I felt a bit of betrayal from our side.
I asked her what and how she wanted for her birthday.
'I want to play roller skates with my friends.'
and I knew there's a place in Avenue K that she could have that materialized.
Next, I was worried about the invitees..how many are we expecting? and how can i invite if i were to limit the numbers?
'How many can I invite, mama?' she asked.
"I don't know, I'm still looking for a suitable place and I can only tell you the numbers once I know how much the cost would be."
'It's ok, I just need SM and Hanan.. they are my buddies.' and for a girl who was sooo looking forward for her big bday celebration, 2 bffs was enough, and I felt .... mmmm.. I just don't know how to describe it!
It took months. But at the end, I decided to just text Hanan's and SM's mom to book the date. Venue, unknown. It was two weeks before the birthday that I got a phone call from SUperpark saying they are offering me a 20% off for the bday celebration if I wish to have it at their place.
Alhamdulillah... itu rezeki Aivey.
I told her and she was so dilated. And she told me rightaway, "mama, boleh tak kalau saya nak ajak kawan lain lagi?"
I went silent. Risau pun ada, berapa banyak lagi kawan she had in mind.
'depends! berapa ramai lagi Aivey nak ajak?'
"saya nak ajak Aysha. boleh tak?"
'lagi?'
"Aysha je. No need so many, I know it's expensive to get there."
Alhamdulillah... itu rezeki mama, Allah mudahkan dapat anak umur 8 tahun yang tak banyak hal.
On the other hand, I was reminded of how baik Allah has been with me.
Allah bagi anak-anak yang memang tak pandai nak throw tantrums...
I remember Aidan and how memahami he could be when mama said no on things that he wanted.
He just obliged and shut the idea.
That was it.
I did not have to explain further.
Bila dia dah 2 1/2 thn, he learned to 'negotiate'.. nak toys tak dapat, but he asked me to bring to the toy shop, nak 'window shopping' je.
I would allow him to stroll down the aisle.
Bila ada satu toy yang nampak dia mcam minat, I would asked him and told him he would get it when he behaved. I would come again bila cukup bulan and bought it for his patience.
The same goes to Aimar and Aivey.
It wasn't easy for Aimar and Aivey sebab tu ada kekawan and cousin-cousin yang could just get anything when they asked their parents.
Aimar pernah tanya, kenapa diorang senang nak dapat tapi Aimar tak dapat?
Aivey pernah tanya, kenapa I cannot buy toysrus and just get the toy from JM je?
Sebab mama aboh is your parents, fullstop :)
Ok, back to Aivey's bday.
I ageed to add Aysha in the list dengan syarat they have to be very discreet. I told Aivey, kalau kawan-kawan lain tahu, mesti diorang berasa hati..but you should understand our situation sekarang.
And she said 'it's ok mama, I understand and we will keep it as a big secret.'
Terharu mama dengan her determination.
I remember asking her if she would want to have any birthdays kat sekolah. She said no need, that would cost money. But I told her it won't be expensive if you don't mind not to have any specific theme.. I can just get a cheap cuppies.
'That would be great! Sure semua orang happy!'
She wanted a ana solehah theme... but i told her we keep that for future and she was ok.
We had small birthday kat Superpark, Avenue K.
I told her she can invite one more friend if she wanted to. She invited our neighbour daughter. It was so thoughtful of her.
The girls love the time spent there.
There were only SM and her brothers, Hanan and her brother, Aysha and her brother (and mom, lovely!), Qaisara and her brother, Zara, Airil and us. Cukup! Alhamdulillah!!
It was fun fun fun!!!
Aivey, when you read this, I need to tell you one thing, thank you sayang.. you have always been easy with us and always as pleasing as we could always ask for.
Jaga diri sayang.
Girls are not easy, so be difficult the way Islam ask us to.
Mama doa Aivey besar jadi anak dan isteri solehah, the way you are meant to be!
Amiiiiinnn...
'Traditionally', as much as I (mama) wished Aivey would be able to have big birthdays every year, aboh is sticking to his rules 'celebrate besar-besaran sekali je dalam hidup, when you turn 8.'
Aidan had his 8th bday at the lavish Sports Planet Ampang, a day before my chemotherapy started. It was all fun and big bday celebration with his classmates from St John and the neigbours and families and friends.
Aimar had his 8th bday at the laser tag in Wangsa Walk. He had his friends and the families joined in. It was memorable and definitely fun!
On Aivey's turning had, I was a bit 'worried'.
I was worried if she wishes on something that we couldn't fulfil and I felt a bit of betrayal from our side.
I asked her what and how she wanted for her birthday.
'I want to play roller skates with my friends.'
and I knew there's a place in Avenue K that she could have that materialized.
Next, I was worried about the invitees..how many are we expecting? and how can i invite if i were to limit the numbers?
'How many can I invite, mama?' she asked.
"I don't know, I'm still looking for a suitable place and I can only tell you the numbers once I know how much the cost would be."
'It's ok, I just need SM and Hanan.. they are my buddies.' and for a girl who was sooo looking forward for her big bday celebration, 2 bffs was enough, and I felt .... mmmm.. I just don't know how to describe it!
It took months. But at the end, I decided to just text Hanan's and SM's mom to book the date. Venue, unknown. It was two weeks before the birthday that I got a phone call from SUperpark saying they are offering me a 20% off for the bday celebration if I wish to have it at their place.
Alhamdulillah... itu rezeki Aivey.
I told her and she was so dilated. And she told me rightaway, "mama, boleh tak kalau saya nak ajak kawan lain lagi?"
I went silent. Risau pun ada, berapa banyak lagi kawan she had in mind.
'depends! berapa ramai lagi Aivey nak ajak?'
"saya nak ajak Aysha. boleh tak?"
'lagi?'
"Aysha je. No need so many, I know it's expensive to get there."
Alhamdulillah... itu rezeki mama, Allah mudahkan dapat anak umur 8 tahun yang tak banyak hal.
On the other hand, I was reminded of how baik Allah has been with me.
Allah bagi anak-anak yang memang tak pandai nak throw tantrums...
I remember Aidan and how memahami he could be when mama said no on things that he wanted.
He just obliged and shut the idea.
That was it.
I did not have to explain further.
Bila dia dah 2 1/2 thn, he learned to 'negotiate'.. nak toys tak dapat, but he asked me to bring to the toy shop, nak 'window shopping' je.
I would allow him to stroll down the aisle.
Bila ada satu toy yang nampak dia mcam minat, I would asked him and told him he would get it when he behaved. I would come again bila cukup bulan and bought it for his patience.
The same goes to Aimar and Aivey.
It wasn't easy for Aimar and Aivey sebab tu ada kekawan and cousin-cousin yang could just get anything when they asked their parents.
Aimar pernah tanya, kenapa diorang senang nak dapat tapi Aimar tak dapat?
Aivey pernah tanya, kenapa I cannot buy toysrus and just get the toy from JM je?
Sebab mama aboh is your parents, fullstop :)
Ok, back to Aivey's bday.
I ageed to add Aysha in the list dengan syarat they have to be very discreet. I told Aivey, kalau kawan-kawan lain tahu, mesti diorang berasa hati..but you should understand our situation sekarang.
And she said 'it's ok mama, I understand and we will keep it as a big secret.'
Terharu mama dengan her determination.
I remember asking her if she would want to have any birthdays kat sekolah. She said no need, that would cost money. But I told her it won't be expensive if you don't mind not to have any specific theme.. I can just get a cheap cuppies.
'That would be great! Sure semua orang happy!'
She wanted a ana solehah theme... but i told her we keep that for future and she was ok.
We had small birthday kat Superpark, Avenue K.
I told her she can invite one more friend if she wanted to. She invited our neighbour daughter. It was so thoughtful of her.
The girls love the time spent there.
There were only SM and her brothers, Hanan and her brother, Aysha and her brother (and mom, lovely!), Qaisara and her brother, Zara, Airil and us. Cukup! Alhamdulillah!!
It was fun fun fun!!!
Aivey, when you read this, I need to tell you one thing, thank you sayang.. you have always been easy with us and always as pleasing as we could always ask for.
Jaga diri sayang.
Girls are not easy, so be difficult the way Islam ask us to.
Mama doa Aivey besar jadi anak dan isteri solehah, the way you are meant to be!
Amiiiiinnn...
Sunday, October 20, 2019
Part 2 - Citer semalam di kenduri kahwin Nana
Aidan,
You weren't there last night.
It was just us, minus you plus nenek.
I have so many to tell about the wedding,
let's see if I could put each feelings into words, correctly, truthfully, calmly and politely.
...
You might not know who is 'nana' unless the only 'nana' we used to know - the so-called 'mama nana'.
Nope, I don't know what happened to that 'mama nana'.
I used to remember how dearly I loved her.
I was so proud of her.
and I wished I could inspire her in a positive way.
Of course, that was then!'
I remember how small she was.
I was already in the UK when she was born if I wasn't mistaken.
That was why I could spend more time with her during my summer holidays.
I would put her on my chest, and slept with her in front of the fan.
Having that small body on mine was so calming.
For as long as I remembered, she grew up fine, turned up to be someone I'm proud of.
Only when she decided to text me, to mock me, to warn me and to make me feel i was never part of them and never part of her and i should go and die.
I don't want to talk about her,
I don't want to talk about them,
but yesterday was all about them and me.
...
The wedding was nana, anak pak ngah's wedding.
Pak Ngah tu, adik nenek yang no 2.
Dia memang lama kena buang keluarga dan membuang kan diri dia..
and I don't feel to talk about him.
Just that, sebab dia lama bawak diri, anak-anak dia Nana, Kimi & Izzati tak begitu rapat dan mesra as compared to me and others.
Semalam wedding Nana, Auntie Nana for you and adik-beradik!
...
Mama always wanted to contribute when it comes to cousins' wedding.
Be it in terms of money or tenaga or anything.
The last cousin's wedding was horrible.
The glitch was bad.
It was Tasha's wedding.
Mama thought I've been 'creative' enough, to take up all initiative, belajar online nak buat bunga stokin, pergilah ke semua house tu dok beli stokin navy biru nak ikut tema.
Masa tu, aboh dah tak kerja dah.
Tapi, aboh tak pernah bising nak perabis duit nak bagi Mama Tasha hadiah bunga telur.
But then, to the last minute, Sanizah dan Yazreen cakap bunga telur tu tak cantik, tak kellas.
Diorang nak beli lain.
Yang mahal, yang lagi layak nak bagi to represent them.
Mama kecik hati.
If only they knew the afford I put on that bunga telur!
Tasha's wedding was bad.
For me, it was!
Mama pergi akad nikah dia and I was like strangers, makan dekat meja ntah sesapa ntah.
Mama pergi dengan aboh to her wedding lepas tu, the day, if you could remember, Yazreen jerit dan marah Aidan sebab tolak kerusi (arwah) tok nek padahal tok nek seronok masa tu.
The day yang Yazreen rasa dia bagus dan ada hak nak jerit kat anak orang walaupun mak bapak Aidan ada kat situ, nak tunjuk yang kitorang tak tahu nak ajar anak dan biar dia yang ajar anak kitorang.
Demn!
I had reminding it myself!
and I'm not going to continue citer mereka.
there's always two sides of a story - I wish I knew theirs, just as much as I tried to understand.
I tried texting Yazreen, which turned out she blocked my number and my FB and all.. She didn't want to have anything connected and related with me.
Dia lupa asal usul kita!
I tried asking Sanizah to be the mediator, which my SMS was left unresponded and unreplied, and I so I should get the sign.
I tried texting Zafifi, and he himself decided not to respond to my message.
Those didn't happened in a blink of eyes.
It has been 3 years and more.
They might hate me for writing this out.
But I guess, I need them to know, if they ever care, the damaged has been done and as much I know, I've did my part.
Allah warning big time bab putus silaturrahim ni.
Nabi SAW dok tarbiah tak habis pasal silaturrahim.
I don't want to be stop for not being able to enter Jannah for I was the one yang memutuskan.
I want to be in Jannah.
I want to be with Nabi SAW.
And so, as much as I hate it when I texted Sanizah & Zafifi, I knew I wasn't doing it for them, neither for me... Lillahitaala, I did it for Allah. I asked Allah for guidance, I asked Allah for easiness.
Alhamdullullah, as much as I wish they both replied to me, or even Yazreen contacted me, and neither one of them did, I knew, I've got my test questions an answer, Insyaalah, the answer that as a muslim should give to ensure Jahanam is not her place, not once, not at all.
Aidan, Aimar, Aivey,
Neraka itu azab siksa!
Mama pernah dengan ada ustaz cakap..jangan kata panas api dia, asap bahang dia yang jauh tak tersangka pun kita tak mampu nak tanggung!
Macam mana kalau kita kena humban dalam dia?
Minum air panas, makan makanan berduri, hanyir-danir, busuk bangkai, di carik-carik, di sula dan sebagainya.
Nauzubillah
...
Masa Nana jemput for her wedding on the 19th Oct, I knew that I had to get her something for the wedding. I could just come for the kenduri, masuk cash RM50 dalam sampul and pass to her. But, I guess, I won't be fair for doing so. I crafted a bunga cokelat ferrero rocher.. Dapatlah 48pcs. Okaylah..kalau dia gi tempah kat luar bunga cokelat tu, boleh harga dalam RM7 to RM10 per pc! Alhamdulillah, somehow, rezeki ilmu Allah bagi, cukup dengan tengok Youtube and ilham pepandai sendiri. It was good, all praise to Allah.
I passed the bunga telur to her on Friday night.
I felt a bit guilty to her.
Masa pass bunga telur tu, I passed dekat homestay yang dia sewa, purposely for the wedding. It was only her and her mom, while her youngest adik, Izzati was out to grab some food for dinner.
It was 10pm.
Kalau wedding mama punya cousin sebelum-sebelum ni, the night before the wedding memang tak menang tangan nak tidur... macam-macam nak buat.
As for her, it was the simplest I've witnessed but it was a shame bila ada ramai yang claim sedara and her cousin but none visited her that night.
The morning after, dia akad nikah. I told her the night before that I couldn't attend the akad nikah.
Aimar Aivey ada sports'carnival kat sports planet.
Aivey main tenning, 2 game kalah 2 game menang.
Aimar main hockey, though he scored for his team, tapi diorang kalah all 3 games.
Petang tu, nenek telefon, suruh amik dia kalau nak gi wedding Nana... Atuk tak nak pergi sebab tak dapat official invitation dari Pak Ngah. Yang Pak Ngah pun satu hal, dah kenal sangat atuk and his protocol, masih nak main selit-selit je kad jemputan, tak datang ngadap one-to-one.. Bolayan lah jawabnya.
And so, malam tu, lepas maghrib we went for the wedding.
Orang tak ramai lagi masa tu. It was great to see how happy nenek was to meet all her sedara.
Only after Isya', people start rushing in.
That was when Pak Itam came with Mak Itam. Mak Itam tegur mama, 'lamanyer tak nampak ain. hilang senyap je.'
"Ain kena halau Mak Itam! Pergi! Pergi! Pergi dari rumah aku!Itu yang Mamiton cakap malam tu."..
Of course I didn't said that to Mak Itam, as much as I wish.
I couldn't help myself to stop repeating her last word, ordering me to leave the house, rumah yang mama dibesarkan dari kecik... rumah nenek ajar mama solat.. rumah mama makan sedap-sedap semua lauk mamiton... rumah kg baru. rumah yang sampai hari ni, mama tekad takkan jejak sebab mama kena halau dari rumah tu.
Sebab apa?
Sebab Sanizah cakap sebelum tu kat Aidan dan Aimar, jangan jadi kurang ajar mcm mak bapak ko. Dan sebab mama pergi nak jumpa Sanizah nak tanya kenapa cakap macam tu dekat Aidan Aimar.
Dan sebab Sanizah yang konon berani dan hebat tu tutup pintu bilik tak nak dengar mama nak tanya elok-elok.
Dan sebab mama bercakap dengan Mum kenapa Sanizah cakap camtu dekat anak-anak mama.
Dan sebab Sanizah jerit maki-maki cakap buruk pasal husband mama.
Dan sebab mama jerit balik nak bagitau Sanizah salah.
Dan sebab tu, semua orang, Uncle Bird, Mamiton, dan even Abah Mama malam tu marah kat mama, sebab mama bertegas sorang-sorang!
Aidan, Aimar, Aivey,
Quran ada cakap, stay true!
Kalau kita betul, benar, kita jangan jadi lalang semata-mata ramai nampak kita salah.
Ada 73 jalan, yang betul hanya 1 jalan!
Moga jalan yang 1 itulah jalan yang kita guna dan tuju sekarang ini.
Back to Nana's wedding...
Mama tengok ramai cousin-cousin dia ada masa dia akad nikah.
Masa wedding pun, ramai gak lah.
Cuma mama teringat the night before, dekat homestay dia sewa and there was only her and her mother.
Mama rasa guilty for not staying long, but Aivey was having fever that night and I couldn't stay.
Masa kat wedding, mama nampak semua datang. Aunti Norijah ada satu meja dengan mama.
Selalunya, diorang ni rapat dan akan datang salam tangan.
Tapi, malam tu, lepas Pak Itam Mak Itam, ada Mum, Miton dan semua-semua ekor-ekor. Mama salam Mum, Mama salam Miton.
Mama takleh nak kata apa-apa and mama yang banyak cakap ni left speechless, literally.
Mama malu gak. But I guess, I did my best.
Mama respect them as orang tua and I didn't ignore them.
Mama nak terkilan bila ada orang yang muda-muda tak mai salam tanya khabar kat mama?
No lah! Alhamdulillah... Mama baca ayat 9 Yassin bebanyak nak nampak invisible and I guess that ayat works :)
Uncle Bird & Auntie sampai and salam pun, mama takleh nak cakap banyak.
Aidan, Aimar, Aivey,
Selama-selama mama hidup, I have never ran out of words... No doubt!
Semalam, I was left unspoken and it hurts!
...
Ok, dah azan zohor and a sign for me to stop.
Of course I have more to write.. but I guess that azan is enough to tell me, dah lah..
berlapang dadalah!
though mama and aboh still figuring out what and how belapang dada is!
You weren't there last night.
It was just us, minus you plus nenek.
I have so many to tell about the wedding,
let's see if I could put each feelings into words, correctly, truthfully, calmly and politely.
...
You might not know who is 'nana' unless the only 'nana' we used to know - the so-called 'mama nana'.
Nope, I don't know what happened to that 'mama nana'.
I used to remember how dearly I loved her.
I was so proud of her.
and I wished I could inspire her in a positive way.
Of course, that was then!'
I remember how small she was.
I was already in the UK when she was born if I wasn't mistaken.
That was why I could spend more time with her during my summer holidays.
I would put her on my chest, and slept with her in front of the fan.
Having that small body on mine was so calming.
For as long as I remembered, she grew up fine, turned up to be someone I'm proud of.
Only when she decided to text me, to mock me, to warn me and to make me feel i was never part of them and never part of her and i should go and die.
I don't want to talk about her,
I don't want to talk about them,
but yesterday was all about them and me.
...
The wedding was nana, anak pak ngah's wedding.
Pak Ngah tu, adik nenek yang no 2.
Dia memang lama kena buang keluarga dan membuang kan diri dia..
and I don't feel to talk about him.
Just that, sebab dia lama bawak diri, anak-anak dia Nana, Kimi & Izzati tak begitu rapat dan mesra as compared to me and others.
Semalam wedding Nana, Auntie Nana for you and adik-beradik!
...
Mama always wanted to contribute when it comes to cousins' wedding.
Be it in terms of money or tenaga or anything.
The last cousin's wedding was horrible.
The glitch was bad.
It was Tasha's wedding.
Mama thought I've been 'creative' enough, to take up all initiative, belajar online nak buat bunga stokin, pergilah ke semua house tu dok beli stokin navy biru nak ikut tema.
Masa tu, aboh dah tak kerja dah.
Tapi, aboh tak pernah bising nak perabis duit nak bagi Mama Tasha hadiah bunga telur.
But then, to the last minute, Sanizah dan Yazreen cakap bunga telur tu tak cantik, tak kellas.
Diorang nak beli lain.
Yang mahal, yang lagi layak nak bagi to represent them.
Mama kecik hati.
If only they knew the afford I put on that bunga telur!
Tasha's wedding was bad.
For me, it was!
Mama pergi akad nikah dia and I was like strangers, makan dekat meja ntah sesapa ntah.
Mama pergi dengan aboh to her wedding lepas tu, the day, if you could remember, Yazreen jerit dan marah Aidan sebab tolak kerusi (arwah) tok nek padahal tok nek seronok masa tu.
The day yang Yazreen rasa dia bagus dan ada hak nak jerit kat anak orang walaupun mak bapak Aidan ada kat situ, nak tunjuk yang kitorang tak tahu nak ajar anak dan biar dia yang ajar anak kitorang.
Demn!
I had reminding it myself!
and I'm not going to continue citer mereka.
there's always two sides of a story - I wish I knew theirs, just as much as I tried to understand.
I tried texting Yazreen, which turned out she blocked my number and my FB and all.. She didn't want to have anything connected and related with me.
Dia lupa asal usul kita!
I tried asking Sanizah to be the mediator, which my SMS was left unresponded and unreplied, and I so I should get the sign.
I tried texting Zafifi, and he himself decided not to respond to my message.
Those didn't happened in a blink of eyes.
It has been 3 years and more.
They might hate me for writing this out.
But I guess, I need them to know, if they ever care, the damaged has been done and as much I know, I've did my part.
Allah warning big time bab putus silaturrahim ni.
Nabi SAW dok tarbiah tak habis pasal silaturrahim.
I don't want to be stop for not being able to enter Jannah for I was the one yang memutuskan.
I want to be in Jannah.
I want to be with Nabi SAW.
And so, as much as I hate it when I texted Sanizah & Zafifi, I knew I wasn't doing it for them, neither for me... Lillahitaala, I did it for Allah. I asked Allah for guidance, I asked Allah for easiness.
Alhamdullullah, as much as I wish they both replied to me, or even Yazreen contacted me, and neither one of them did, I knew, I've got my test questions an answer, Insyaalah, the answer that as a muslim should give to ensure Jahanam is not her place, not once, not at all.
Aidan, Aimar, Aivey,
Neraka itu azab siksa!
Mama pernah dengan ada ustaz cakap..jangan kata panas api dia, asap bahang dia yang jauh tak tersangka pun kita tak mampu nak tanggung!
Macam mana kalau kita kena humban dalam dia?
Minum air panas, makan makanan berduri, hanyir-danir, busuk bangkai, di carik-carik, di sula dan sebagainya.
Nauzubillah
...
Masa Nana jemput for her wedding on the 19th Oct, I knew that I had to get her something for the wedding. I could just come for the kenduri, masuk cash RM50 dalam sampul and pass to her. But, I guess, I won't be fair for doing so. I crafted a bunga cokelat ferrero rocher.. Dapatlah 48pcs. Okaylah..kalau dia gi tempah kat luar bunga cokelat tu, boleh harga dalam RM7 to RM10 per pc! Alhamdulillah, somehow, rezeki ilmu Allah bagi, cukup dengan tengok Youtube and ilham pepandai sendiri. It was good, all praise to Allah.
I passed the bunga telur to her on Friday night.
I felt a bit guilty to her.
Masa pass bunga telur tu, I passed dekat homestay yang dia sewa, purposely for the wedding. It was only her and her mom, while her youngest adik, Izzati was out to grab some food for dinner.
It was 10pm.
Kalau wedding mama punya cousin sebelum-sebelum ni, the night before the wedding memang tak menang tangan nak tidur... macam-macam nak buat.
As for her, it was the simplest I've witnessed but it was a shame bila ada ramai yang claim sedara and her cousin but none visited her that night.
The morning after, dia akad nikah. I told her the night before that I couldn't attend the akad nikah.
Aimar Aivey ada sports'carnival kat sports planet.
Aivey main tenning, 2 game kalah 2 game menang.
Aimar main hockey, though he scored for his team, tapi diorang kalah all 3 games.
Petang tu, nenek telefon, suruh amik dia kalau nak gi wedding Nana... Atuk tak nak pergi sebab tak dapat official invitation dari Pak Ngah. Yang Pak Ngah pun satu hal, dah kenal sangat atuk and his protocol, masih nak main selit-selit je kad jemputan, tak datang ngadap one-to-one.. Bolayan lah jawabnya.
And so, malam tu, lepas maghrib we went for the wedding.
Orang tak ramai lagi masa tu. It was great to see how happy nenek was to meet all her sedara.
Only after Isya', people start rushing in.
That was when Pak Itam came with Mak Itam. Mak Itam tegur mama, 'lamanyer tak nampak ain. hilang senyap je.'
"Ain kena halau Mak Itam! Pergi! Pergi! Pergi dari rumah aku!Itu yang Mamiton cakap malam tu."..
Of course I didn't said that to Mak Itam, as much as I wish.
I couldn't help myself to stop repeating her last word, ordering me to leave the house, rumah yang mama dibesarkan dari kecik... rumah nenek ajar mama solat.. rumah mama makan sedap-sedap semua lauk mamiton... rumah kg baru. rumah yang sampai hari ni, mama tekad takkan jejak sebab mama kena halau dari rumah tu.
Sebab apa?
Sebab Sanizah cakap sebelum tu kat Aidan dan Aimar, jangan jadi kurang ajar mcm mak bapak ko. Dan sebab mama pergi nak jumpa Sanizah nak tanya kenapa cakap macam tu dekat Aidan Aimar.
Dan sebab Sanizah yang konon berani dan hebat tu tutup pintu bilik tak nak dengar mama nak tanya elok-elok.
Dan sebab mama bercakap dengan Mum kenapa Sanizah cakap camtu dekat anak-anak mama.
Dan sebab Sanizah jerit maki-maki cakap buruk pasal husband mama.
Dan sebab mama jerit balik nak bagitau Sanizah salah.
Dan sebab tu, semua orang, Uncle Bird, Mamiton, dan even Abah Mama malam tu marah kat mama, sebab mama bertegas sorang-sorang!
Aidan, Aimar, Aivey,
Quran ada cakap, stay true!
Kalau kita betul, benar, kita jangan jadi lalang semata-mata ramai nampak kita salah.
Ada 73 jalan, yang betul hanya 1 jalan!
Moga jalan yang 1 itulah jalan yang kita guna dan tuju sekarang ini.
Back to Nana's wedding...
Mama tengok ramai cousin-cousin dia ada masa dia akad nikah.
Masa wedding pun, ramai gak lah.
Cuma mama teringat the night before, dekat homestay dia sewa and there was only her and her mother.
Mama rasa guilty for not staying long, but Aivey was having fever that night and I couldn't stay.
Masa kat wedding, mama nampak semua datang. Aunti Norijah ada satu meja dengan mama.
Selalunya, diorang ni rapat dan akan datang salam tangan.
Tapi, malam tu, lepas Pak Itam Mak Itam, ada Mum, Miton dan semua-semua ekor-ekor. Mama salam Mum, Mama salam Miton.
Mama takleh nak kata apa-apa and mama yang banyak cakap ni left speechless, literally.
Mama malu gak. But I guess, I did my best.
Mama respect them as orang tua and I didn't ignore them.
Mama nak terkilan bila ada orang yang muda-muda tak mai salam tanya khabar kat mama?
No lah! Alhamdulillah... Mama baca ayat 9 Yassin bebanyak nak nampak invisible and I guess that ayat works :)
Uncle Bird & Auntie sampai and salam pun, mama takleh nak cakap banyak.
Aidan, Aimar, Aivey,
Selama-selama mama hidup, I have never ran out of words... No doubt!
Semalam, I was left unspoken and it hurts!
...
Ok, dah azan zohor and a sign for me to stop.
Of course I have more to write.. but I guess that azan is enough to tell me, dah lah..
berlapang dadalah!
though mama and aboh still figuring out what and how belapang dada is!
Part 1 - A disclaimer, maybe
Dulu, masa mula-mula start blog ni, memang tak heran mende2 pun.. gambar nak add lah, font tebal tak tebal lah, isi ke laut sokmo...
Lepas tu start jadi extra conscious..
Perasan ala-ala writer pro...
End up, makin kurang, makin kurang nak menulis dan pos anything in here.
I guess, I need to back to square one.
...
I've started an official blog writing, guna wordpress..
And I realized, mcm tak jauh beza lah yang official dengan yang ini.
And so, i started to realize, nope, this is for my anak-anak reading pleasure...
I shouldn't make it sound official at all.
And so here I am.
...
I missed the stories about Aivey and her 8th.
And so I did I missed the stories about Aimar turned 12.
And worst I did badly that I don't deserve anything to remind me of my 42nd bday :(
It was horrible horrible horrible me.
I also wanted to write about Aidan kena gantung maktab.
And not forgetting about Amar and the list his so-we-thought his friends wrote about him.
And I guess, I need to write something about my own kind of story!
...
Alhamdulillah, I've started writing for part-time freelancing off late.
It wasn't much, but it was a good eye opener.
An opener for me, reminding how easily people got conned with words.
I myself got conned by my own words.
And therefore, for those who are reading my blog, for my dear Aidan, Aimar, Aivey,
as you read all the post I've shared in this blogs, you might have read it differently, with a harsher or might be a kinder tone than I meant it to be.
Just keep in my mind,
don't trust 100% of the words you read,
don't get overwhelmed and soak in to the world that only me could feel,
don't shut everything on small things I've said.
And never to forget, I meant well when I wrote what I wrote.
Friday, October 4, 2019
An update
Lama tak menulis.
Melampau sangat... benda ini dok dalam Draft mode pun dari bulan 8.
It's October today!
Bukan sebab takde benda nak menulis.
Sebenarnya, bila lama tak menulis ni lah banyak sangat benda nak tulis.
Lepas tu, bila dah ngadap komputer ni, terus tak tahu mana nak mula, cammana nak citer, mana nak habis.
End up, pening kepala, terus stop.
...
I have been actively doing some freelance writing these days.
Alhamdulillah.
Started with a friendly neighbour who was asking for favours and willing to pay and the rest was history.
Alhamdulillah...don't ask about payment or what i get.
I wanted to write i got this much at the early stage and now earning this much today ... but then, I realized the sentences I've constructed didn't seems right!
I wanted to to write, 'though it wasn't much'... which to me, is sooo not right.
It is subjective.
For real.
Judging to the rezeki that Allah SWT has given upon me, particularly, I shouldn't and never deserve to use the word 'though' because it is more and more than 'though'.
Mashaallah.
Subhanallah.
Alhamdulillah.
To those of you who is reading this post know what my current situation is.
Or maybe not.
And if not, let's say, 'kami diuji, Alhamdulillah'.
What sort of ujian?
...
It's 4th October 2019.
Aimar 12 tahun hari ini.
Banyak sangat dia lalui for his age.
I should write a post, just dedicating it to him.
And of course, need to write about Aivey's 8 too...
Aiyyoooo mama! why? why? why?
Melampau sangat... benda ini dok dalam Draft mode pun dari bulan 8.
It's October today!
Bukan sebab takde benda nak menulis.
Sebenarnya, bila lama tak menulis ni lah banyak sangat benda nak tulis.
Lepas tu, bila dah ngadap komputer ni, terus tak tahu mana nak mula, cammana nak citer, mana nak habis.
End up, pening kepala, terus stop.
...
I have been actively doing some freelance writing these days.
Alhamdulillah.
Started with a friendly neighbour who was asking for favours and willing to pay and the rest was history.
Alhamdulillah...don't ask about payment or what i get.
I wanted to write i got this much at the early stage and now earning this much today ... but then, I realized the sentences I've constructed didn't seems right!
I wanted to to write, 'though it wasn't much'... which to me, is sooo not right.
It is subjective.
For real.
Judging to the rezeki that Allah SWT has given upon me, particularly, I shouldn't and never deserve to use the word 'though' because it is more and more than 'though'.
Mashaallah.
Subhanallah.
Alhamdulillah.
To those of you who is reading this post know what my current situation is.
Or maybe not.
And if not, let's say, 'kami diuji, Alhamdulillah'.
What sort of ujian?
...
It's 4th October 2019.
Aimar 12 tahun hari ini.
Banyak sangat dia lalui for his age.
I should write a post, just dedicating it to him.
And of course, need to write about Aivey's 8 too...
Aiyyoooo mama! why? why? why?
Wednesday, July 17, 2019
SAINS dan MATEMATIK dalam English tanpa MELAYU
KPM keluarkan memo.
KPM sedang mempertimbangkan cadangan PM untuk pembelajaran subjek Sains dalam English Language.
Demi meningkatkan tahap penguasaan subjek Sains dan Matematik.
Saya bukan cikgu.
Saya seorang ibu.
Saya seorang ibu.
Alhamdulillah.
Anak2 takde masalah bila belajar sains dan matematik dalam bahasa inggeris.
Tapi, saya tak setuju dengan Kementerian Pendidikan nak buat subjek sains dalam bahasa penjajah tu!
Anak2 takde masalah bila belajar sains dan matematik dalam bahasa inggeris.
Tapi, saya tak setuju dengan Kementerian Pendidikan nak buat subjek sains dalam bahasa penjajah tu!
Saya tak setuju bukannya sebab saya kiasu (biar anak saya je belajar sains bahasa omputeh).
Saya tak setuju bukannya sebab tak mahu anak-anak orang lain ‘maju’ sama.
Saya tak setuju bukannya sebab tak mahu anak-anak orang lain ‘maju’ sama.
Saya dulu pun, happy sangat bila anak belajar sains dalam bahasa omputeh.
Anak sulung saya nak amik UPSR dulu, memang akan baca soalan dalam bahasa omputeh sebab lagi senang nak faham.
Anak no 2 ni pun, memang saya bagi tips yang sama, tak paham soalan, verify dalam bahasa inggeris.
Anak no 3 lagi advance, 'what do you learn at school today?' dan dia jawab 'i learn about germicide'...
Pegghh.. terpaku mama dengan anak umur 8 tahun guna term 'germicide'(mama spell entah betul entah idak).
Anak sulung saya nak amik UPSR dulu, memang akan baca soalan dalam bahasa omputeh sebab lagi senang nak faham.
Anak no 2 ni pun, memang saya bagi tips yang sama, tak paham soalan, verify dalam bahasa inggeris.
Anak no 3 lagi advance, 'what do you learn at school today?' dan dia jawab 'i learn about germicide'...
Pegghh.. terpaku mama dengan anak umur 8 tahun guna term 'germicide'(mama spell entah betul entah idak).
Ya, resource Sains banyak dalam bahasa Inggeris.
Rugi kalau anak-anak tak faham Inggeris.
Susah nak paham Google Wilkipedia dan semua maklumat yang ada.
Buku ilmiah apatah lagi.
Rugi kalau anak-anak tak faham Inggeris.
Susah nak paham Google Wilkipedia dan semua maklumat yang ada.
Buku ilmiah apatah lagi.
Tapi, saya tetap tak setuju kalau suruh anak-anak Malaysia, Melayu belajar sains dalam bahasa omputeh.
Ada banyak risiko nak kena study and telusi sedalam-dalamnya sebelum betul-betul KPM nak komited teruskan:
1. Training untuk cikgu, bahan-bahan untuk murid... Haiii.....
Change management memang fail.. kang tukar style, lepas lima tahun, tukar balik...... plan ke mana, execution ke mana, duit banyak perabis, result: ke laut!
Nak main tukar-tukar plan mengajar belajar ni dibuat macam tukar baju je.
Mangsa: anak-anak yang memang nak belajar, tapi tak dapat belajar sebab polisi kerajaan tak sempat nak apply fully!
2. Bahasa dan budaya bangsa
Memang ramai akan fikir, ala.... english ke malay ke, masih subject science.. if only it is that easy!
Kami tanya anak no 2 kami..
kalau sebut makanan berasid, what came into your mind?
"lemon" jawabnya.
kalau sebut makanan berasid, what came into your mind?
"lemon" jawabnya.
nampak tak? kalau guna terms dalam bahasa inggeris, mungkin lemon akan jadi pilihan daripada lime atau limau. sedangkan, duduk kat Malaysia ni, teh o ais limau jauh lebih murah daripada ice lemon tea.
sains yang diajar dalam bahasa inggeris akan lebih cenderung menggunakan terma-terma yang Queen British guna, terma bahasa penjajah.. sampai bila kita nak bagi contoh lemon over limau?
3. Bahasa ibunda
Indah sudah nama 'bahasa ibunda'.... makin lama makin jauh dan makin asing.
Saya rasa kesannya.
Anak saya no 3, walaupun takde periksa, tapi cikgu buat pentaksiran bilik darjah... subject lain dapatlah Band 4... tang subjeck BM, Band 2.
Selalu, bila bagi arahan bahasa melayu, dia tak paham.
Kekadang, bila kita buat lawak bahasa melayu, dia tak respond.
Saya amik tanggungjawab sepenuhnya. Salah saya. Saya terlalu biasakan berbahasa omputeh dari bahasa sendiri, lupa diri!
4. Anak Jepun, anak Finland belajar sains bahasa Jepun, bahasa Finnish.
Saya cakap bukan sekadar kita tengok dalam FB ke atau sebagainya.
Alhamdulillah, saya sempat belajar kat kolej antarabangsa (70+ countries) masa buat IB kat Wales dulu.
MARA hantar suruh jadi engineer, so terpaksa amik subject Physics and Maths yang hardcore - yang orang British memang takkan amik..
Yang ada pelajar dari China, Singapore, Spain, Jepun, Finland dan sorang mamat sesat dari Texas, USA.
Semua excellent, kecuali saya.
Yang pastinya, kawan yang Finland dan Jepun yang paling hebat dalam kelas... asal cikgu suruh bagi input, memang diorang yang jawab dulu.. Asal cikgu tanya, diorang je yang jawab...
Betul je semua jawapan..
Cuma cikgu je yang paham sebab cikgu dah di train untuk paham.. kitorang memang tak paham sebab diorang cakap macam cakap omputeh, tapi bunyi macam bahasa japanese or finnish...
Sebab diorang dah dari kecik belajar dalam bahasa diorang. Sampai buku revision sains pun, tak gunan buku cikgu bagi... guna buku yang bahasa diorang.
Kita yang memang lagi terer english ni.. result... hmmmmmm
5. Peluang untuk semua anak-anak
Alhamdulillah. Anak-anak saya ada rezeki nikmat Allah bagi, bolehlah kami ajar anak2 bila diorang tak paham sains.
Kalau masih tak paham, boleh tengok youtube.
Kalau tak paham gak, kita boleh try pergi amik extra class.
Tu.... anak-anak lain.. yang memang tak baper tahu, yang memang slow, yang memang tak mampu, yang memang nak belajar tapi susah, dan semua-semua yang lagi ramai.
Yang memperjuangkan bahasa inggeris untuk sains dan math ni sebab majoritinya mampu. mampu dari semua aspect.
Tapi, kenapa kene deprived hak anak-anak lain?
Sebab ada art stream?
Adooii... science in life!
Macam mana anak nak hidup kalau tak tahu kenapa vape tu takde kurangnya dengan rokok?
Macam mana anak survive kalau tak tahu macam mana buang plastik kat longkang boleh buat satu bumi ni merana?
Macam mana anak tahu kalau lepak memalam, tidur tak cukup, pergi sekolah ngantuk, otak tak berfungsi akan buat diorang rugi?
Diorang kene belajar ilmu sains!
Peegghhh....
Panjang lebar saya bercerita.
Inilah padahnya bila mama dapat keyboard computer, bukan keyboard phone!
Tapi seriously,
Studylah risk yang ada... Jangan main committed sebab dia boss!
Berdosa kalau kita aniaya hak anak-anak.
Sunday, May 19, 2019
A note to drop by
Well, same mistake again - not posting things!
As usual, same reason again - I was occupied..
plus my writing freelancing has started kicking in, alhamdulillah.
It was beautiful that it started with just a casual neighbour request to do some copywriting, then I landed on transcription job, next the translation and speech writing and the big one (i thought, at the time) was writing product review listicles for productnation.com.
I just signed a freelance writing contract with inreallife.my and that is definitely something that i've unexpectedly thought I wont'get it. It took quite a while for the chief editor to contact me , all in all Alhamdulillah.
....
Enough about me, I wanted to write about the kids.
Aidan - he had it tough for the past few weeks. It was horrible when we heard the news that he was called for the Jemaah Disiplin Maktab JDM session for bullying in a group.
Well, I'm not sharing the details here, now.
Apparently, he the ruling was dubious and we are fighting for the case. He has got the higher board (Jemaah Disiplin dan Rajuan Maktab JDRM) and we are yet to find out about the decision. For now, I'll keep the suspense but I knew I would should share my story about it once I got the official decision made.
...
I read somewhere, the bullies are usually those who were being bullied.
Is it true?
I wanted to agree with the facts.
But somehow, I strongly belief, when we sow the the right seed with strong faith, Insyaallah, the root would be strong enough to withstand all the sickness surrounding.
and so, that's what we believe.
...
hmmm
As usual, same reason again - I was occupied..
plus my writing freelancing has started kicking in, alhamdulillah.
It was beautiful that it started with just a casual neighbour request to do some copywriting, then I landed on transcription job, next the translation and speech writing and the big one (i thought, at the time) was writing product review listicles for productnation.com.
I just signed a freelance writing contract with inreallife.my and that is definitely something that i've unexpectedly thought I wont'get it. It took quite a while for the chief editor to contact me , all in all Alhamdulillah.
....
Enough about me, I wanted to write about the kids.
Aidan - he had it tough for the past few weeks. It was horrible when we heard the news that he was called for the Jemaah Disiplin Maktab JDM session for bullying in a group.
Well, I'm not sharing the details here, now.
Apparently, he the ruling was dubious and we are fighting for the case. He has got the higher board (Jemaah Disiplin dan Rajuan Maktab JDRM) and we are yet to find out about the decision. For now, I'll keep the suspense but I knew I would should share my story about it once I got the official decision made.
...
I read somewhere, the bullies are usually those who were being bullied.
Is it true?
I wanted to agree with the facts.
But somehow, I strongly belief, when we sow the the right seed with strong faith, Insyaallah, the root would be strong enough to withstand all the sickness surrounding.
and so, that's what we believe.
...
hmmm
Thursday, April 18, 2019
Pak Ngah - the mistaken one
This worth a post.
...
We accidentally met Pak Ngah this morning.
It was horrible.
It was bad that after all these years, I have been wronged all about him.
I sinned.
I assumed and I was so very wrong.
It is so bad that it just spoiled my whole day.
So, let me list it a bit, and I'll provide the details little later (maybe)
He didn't run away from the family.
He was just not happy to be with the family who abused him mentally.
It wasn't nenek and atuk.
It was the Ibrahim's.
And all this while, I was told he ran away from home because he was ashamed of the wedlock child born in the family...
Which I found out that it has got nothing to do with it.
I also find out how he cared about his children's education.
He was proud of his eldest.
He was sad about his only son who seems to be in trouble all the time.
He was worried for his youngest who had been so cheeky even until today.
I regretted it my whole life for I never care to care about them.
I regretted that I never asked how they were doing and how can I help.
I regretted that I assumed they were just bunch of losers whereas it was me that was losing.
Today, I found out, he did has a problem with his marriage, but I don't think they were divorced like what others claimed.
And I also found out how mistaken people who has put him aside and ignored him because he was a piece of shit and trouble, while he was struggling.
This morning,
at Rasyid,
with him having breakfast with us as we bumped into him,
I cried in front of him,
I seek for his forgiveness.
It was just sad that I had to find out these dark family hidden secret THIS way,
the horrible way,
the too late to do anything way,
the way when I was now like him, being ignored and shooed away.
Subhanallah..
Please forgve me, Ya Allah.
...
We accidentally met Pak Ngah this morning.
It was horrible.
It was bad that after all these years, I have been wronged all about him.
I sinned.
I assumed and I was so very wrong.
It is so bad that it just spoiled my whole day.
So, let me list it a bit, and I'll provide the details little later (maybe)
He didn't run away from the family.
He was just not happy to be with the family who abused him mentally.
It wasn't nenek and atuk.
It was the Ibrahim's.
And all this while, I was told he ran away from home because he was ashamed of the wedlock child born in the family...
Which I found out that it has got nothing to do with it.
I also find out how he cared about his children's education.
He was proud of his eldest.
He was sad about his only son who seems to be in trouble all the time.
He was worried for his youngest who had been so cheeky even until today.
I regretted it my whole life for I never care to care about them.
I regretted that I never asked how they were doing and how can I help.
I regretted that I assumed they were just bunch of losers whereas it was me that was losing.
Today, I found out, he did has a problem with his marriage, but I don't think they were divorced like what others claimed.
And I also found out how mistaken people who has put him aside and ignored him because he was a piece of shit and trouble, while he was struggling.
This morning,
at Rasyid,
with him having breakfast with us as we bumped into him,
I cried in front of him,
I seek for his forgiveness.
It was just sad that I had to find out these dark family hidden secret THIS way,
the horrible way,
the too late to do anything way,
the way when I was now like him, being ignored and shooed away.
Subhanallah..
Please forgve me, Ya Allah.
Tuesday, March 19, 2019
Aib semua
I write because it's right.
I don't write to please, so I don't write if it's wrong.
Yet, even when I have nothing to offer but my writing, people still find their way to use it as a weapon to kill myself.
If only they knew, the moment before we were created, everything about us has been written.
Woo to you who talks bad and won't be able to husnuzon.
...
A 25-year old matured adult, who claimed herself an adult texted me yesterday.
Takde salam takde apa.. after at least a year or two of no direct communication... texted me and asked me 'asal?'... and that is where it's all started...
as a matter of fact, that's not how it started.
and things are so ugly that i could hardly blog it here.
but they talked about me.
they talked about my family.
as if i am no family.
when i was the one who held them on the buai in front of nenek's house serenading buai laju-laju...
when i was the one who had them on my chest when it was hot and they couldn't sleep in the humid afternoons.
and i have a list of the things i would want to say.
i was the one who cried for them, being proud and happy.
i was the one who cheered for them, being right or wrong (bodoh me!).
i was the one who laughed for them even when there were not funny.
today, it all got back to me.
antara nak jadi jahat dan kasik syaitan menang.
and that was my intention when i start the sentence 'I write because it's right.'
hari ni,
ada insan hina kami.
kata kami gila dan jahat.
kata anak-anak kami dah ada ciri-ciri gila dan jahat.
hari ni,
ada insan keji kami.
kata kami writer inverted comma.
hari ni,
ada insan tuduh kami.
sebok redha suami, biar hilang redha mak sendiri.
allahuakakbar.
insan yang umurnya baru nak masuk 25 tahun.
yang pada usia remajanya, bangga menjadi model majalah, tanpa kebenaran ayahnya (hingga ayah menjadi arwah tidak ketahuan perihalnya).
insan yang yang terpampar gambar Allah perlihatkan di mata kami, berposing di bilik hotel bersama teman lelakinya dulu dan masih mengaku mulia.
tak,
aku tak baik.
tak perlu buka aib aku.
bila aku menaip ini pun, aku dah hina diri aku, bukak aib aku.
ye, aku bukak aib aku, bukan aib insan itu, bukan aib sesiapa.
sebab insan itu memang takde kait-mengait dengan aku.
cuma tanggungjawab aku sesama islam, aku benar-benar mahu semua orang rasa, azab Allah itu benar dan kita tak mampu menanggungnya.
baca balik apa yang sudah kau hantarkan.
ye, aku berdosa tuduh 'pondan tua' itu lesbian.
tapi, itu bukan memfitnah.
fitnah dalam qur'an maknanya dugaan.
kalau duit perhabis dekat perempuan.
bila perempuan tinggalkan terus meroyan.
kalau mak yang sorang berasa hati sebab kau sanggup perabis duit kat perempuan, dengan mak kau, kau tengking bagai nak rak.
kalau bangga pergi pos 'immigration yang perempuan jangan lah segan kalau saya hulur badan saya untuk check, sebab saya ni perempuan... nampak je macam lelaki.'....
itu semua, fitnah buat orang sekeliling.
dugaan nak berhusnudzon.
kau dah bagi jalan orang berburuk sangka, dan kau maki orang kata orang tabur fitnah.
umur dah nak masuk 50 tahun.
aku doa kau nampak jalan benar, kau sempat bertaubat.
aku doa, aku sempat bertaubat dan allah terima taubat aku.
tapi ni aku nak pesan, kalau tak nak orang panggil kau lesbian atau pondan tua, jangan tunjuk diri tu macam tu.
biarlah tak cantik dan buruk pun, pakai tudung tu.
tutup aurat.
dok heboh satu insta, cakap semua blessing dari allah.
kesian kat kau makcik, rambut masih merah menyala, pendek mengalahkan jantan, dan bangga itu blessing allah.
ya, aku tahu, aku ada anak untuk aku jaga.
aku tak boleh jamin hidup perangai diorang.
itu sebab aku pegang doa nabi ibrahim kuat-kuat.
aku yakin allah jaga anak-anak aku.
aku yakin quran dan sunnah.
antara betul dengan jaga hati, kena dahulukan betul dulu.
dah budak umur 25 tahun yang matured yang nak sekolahkan aku ni lak satu hal.
dia bangga mengaku, pondan tua itu sponsor semua anak-beranak.
alhamdulillah.
pernah aku tanya kenapa sambut birthday tak ajak, dan jawab diorang, sebab pondan tua yang sponsor. lepas tu load dalam insta cakap keluarga kena bersatu. sedap kau putuskan silaturrahim lepas tu kau tuduh aku yang tak ikut cakap allah dan nabi saw.
yang buat tahlil, siap berkhemah bagai, up status bagai...
pun tak jemput.
sebab pondan tua sponsor, tak halal bagi aku anak beranak makan, kot.... ye, itu yang aku fikirkan dan aku bukan tuhan.
dalam wasap semalam, satu-satu ayat orang takde agama keluar.
'diorang semua datang balik kepada kami.'
sama dengan kata allah suruh cakap 'innalillahiwainnailaihirrojiun'... sesungguhnya semua datang dari allah dan kembali kepadaNya. cuma dalam konteks wasap budak matured 25 thn tu, datang kepada kami tu bukan tuhan tapi mereka, keluarga yang satu itu.
lepas tu, sedap cakap.. dah lama kami perati....
aku cakap korang takde life, korang marah...
dah jadi tukang perati, tak pernah bunyi apa-apa, tiba-tiba meletup, apa kes?
meletup sebab nak defend sis idola lak tu.
lepas tu korang claim korang melihat,mendengar dan korang tahu.
seriously, aku kagum ngan korang....
sebijik ayat Allah dalam Quran... Aku Al-Basir, As-Sami', Al-'Alim.
takut aku ngan korang ni...
Korang pernah tak baca Quran?
Kalau tak tahu baca, pergilah belajar.
Baca tafsir terjemahan tu.
Kalau sis idola takmo sponsor, meh aku belanja. Nanti aku pos kat korang.
Cuma nak bagitau je, nak kasik mudah kat korang.
Dalam Quran, ada perkataan 'aduu .. maksud dia musuh.
kalau kau baca satu-satu, Allah cakap syaitan 'aduu to human being. musuh manusia. musuh kamu.
Dalam Quran jugak, Allah mention 'aduu to one particular makhluk.. and it's not syaitan.
Allah arah kat Nabi Musa AS, pergilah jumpa musuh Aku dan musuh kamu... Allah cakap Firaun musuh Allah, sebab Firaun saja makhluk Allah yang mengaku dia tuhan.
Sekarang, aku nasihat korang istighfar banyak-banyak, sementara sempat.
Aku serious.
Azab Allah tu tak tertanggung seksanya.
Cuba imagine, kau mati, dengan ayat-ayat yang kau bagi kat aku dalam wasap... "mereka balik kepada kami, bukan kau. kami lama perhati. kami melihat, mendengar dan tahu..'... itu semua ayat-ayat Allah woi... takut korang rasa diri korang Tuhan, dah sama taraf ngan Firaun, jadi musuh Allah direct woi.
Baca balik ayat aku sebelum nak meroyan... aku cakap 'TAKUT KORANG RASA'... kalau aku salah, alhamdulillah.
Tak, aku tak baik.
Aku tahu. Hari-hari aku tengok FB insta aku, gambar aku bukak aurat semua aku delete.
Aku harap dan doa sesiapa pun yang ada gambar aku bukak aurat pun delete. Tapi kalau memang korang rasa itu hak korang nak delete tak delete, aku takleh cakap apa.
Kalau kau baca ayat-ayat aku kat atas ni macam bagus, macam aku takde dosa, padamkan dulu apa korang fikir.
Korang kene admit, matured-matured korang pun, korang memang bodoh.
Terer-terer korang pun jadi pegawai dekat Petronas, score deans'list tiap2 semester, korang masih bodoh.
Itu korang admit.
Aku lagi pandai dari korang, dan sebab aku pandailah aku tahu aku paling jahat.
Aku tahu aku jahat.
Aku menangis airmata darah dalam setiap taubat aku, aku rasa aku tak deserve pengampunan atas segala dosa aku.
Tapi, aku membaca. Nabi marah kalau cakap macam tu. Orang takde tauhid je nak dispute kasih dan sayang Allah.
Aku dah kena dah sekarang.
Aku dapat sakit, bukan sebarang sakit... cancer kot! ko ada?
Aku tak keje, ikhlas sebab aku memang tak nak keje, korang jaki cakap laki aku memang control freak. Tapi meh nak sekolahkan korang, keje laki, selagi tak langgar apa Allah dan Nabi suruh, selagi tu kene control anak bini dia. Nabi siap pesan, kalau Dajjal datang, ikat anak bini perempuan-perempuan kamu. Tapi, korang ni, memang kena hadam lelama lah nak faham.
Aku takmo ngadu dalam ni... tapi, aku nak tahu korang tahu yang aku tahu aku tak alim, dan jangan salahkan setiap hujah Quran yang aku gunakan sebab datang nye dari aku. kalau benda falsafah itu memang dari aku, ye, caci aku. tapi, kalau apa yang aku kongsi tu Firman Allah, Sabda Nabi, jangan perkecilkan.... check balik..kalau betul apa aku sampaikan tu salah, wajib korang perbetulkan.
Dah 2 tahun aku solat bertahjud, tak pernah sekali aku tak mintak doa kat Allah, ampunkan dosa aku, ampunkan dosa mama abah, ampun dosa aku ngan laki aku, dan mesti gak aku selitkan ampunkan dosa orang yang benci kami. Betul. Aku tak tipu. Hati orang jadi bersih bila Allah ampunkan dosa.
Bila banyak sangat dosa, bintik-bintik hitam terlalu banyak, sampai keras apa yang ada di as-sudhur, istighfar bebanyak..mintak Allah kasik kekuatan bila malaikat tukar kulit kau yang terbakar dengan kulit baru lepas tu bakar lagi berulang-ulang. Sakit woi. Aku kene radioterapi 33 kali pun sakit kena bakar tu sampai sekarang terkesan... telinga berdarah, air liur takde... dah aku kene camtu, korang ingat memang aku nak buat balik ke benda2 yang akan buat aku lagi seksa macam kat neraka tu?
Korang bangga. Korang rasa korang betul korang menang.
Tahniah.
Aku bukan serendah korang, nak main game matured korang.
I'm a writer and I write.
Korang punya bodoh, to some extent, korang kene bersyukur that you don't need a brain to learn how to breath..for if breathing is something that brain need to work on, i doubt you would live longer... baper tahun? 25 thn? hmmm and sis idola dah nak masuk 50 thn lagi 5 thn. and sis idola no 2 pun nak masuk 40 thn lagi 3 thn. hebat matematik... kalau ikut umur Nabi wafat umur 63thn, insyaallah, boleh runner lagi nak tobat.
Betul, aku doa korang sempat bertaubat.
Aku doa aku sempat bertaubat.
Seronok syaitan layan perasaan aku hari ni dan semalam.
Nak marah syaitan pun, aku punya bodoh sendiri.
Tapi, at least, aku tak jadi syaitan.. tak buat kerja syaitan...
Lagi hina, ada orang tu, bukan buat kerja syaitan... siap mensyirikkan tuhan lagi.
Kalau kau bersyahadah 'lailahaillallah' dan kau yakin kau tak syirik, aku betul-betul suruh kau bukak balik buku pendidikan islam korang.
faham balik maksud syirik.
mudah cara, meh aku quote balik ayat dalam wasap ko semalam, dengan apa yang possibility dosa ko kene bertaubat.
1. 'Lama perhati' - Bukak Quran, surah al-hujrat.. Allah cakap, jangan stalk orang! Kerja memerhati ni, Allahnya kerja. Dia ada assitant dok tulis semua amalan hamba Dia.. bukan ko.
2. kami 'sekeluarga'tenang je. alhamdulillah masih bersatu and kuat. - kau bangga stay together 'sekeluarga'putus kan silaturrahim lepas tu tuduh aku putuskan sebab aku berdrama menjerit, padahal masa first time jerit, aku takde... pondan tua tu, bila laki aku confront dia kata takde issue, lepas tu dia turun dia jerit depan makcik-makcik malukan laki aku... tanya orang yang ada kat situ, ada laki aku jerit balik? yang kali kedua aku jerit sebab korang tuduh anak-anak aku kurang ajar, padahal anak aku bercakap sama diorang, si dean list yang ngadu kat pondan tua, pondan tua yang takde anak nak nasihat anak aku jgn kurang ajar macam bapak korang (sedap cop bapak orang depan anak orang!), aku duduk cakap ngan mak si pondan tua tu (sebab dia penakut tak nak cakap elok-elok dengan aku kat luar bilik dia).. elok tetiba dia nak jerit... lepas tu, aku jerit balik, semua nak tuduh aku yang mula jerit... hina siut game pondan tua tu!
3. 'tapi semua balik datang kepada kami. ada pergi kepada kau?'- ini memang ayat syirik. lagi hina, rasa diri tuhan.
4. ' kalau dah rasa diri paling betul di dunia buatlah cara sendiri. jangan sampai redha suami dapat redha ibu tak dapat. ' - ini ayat orang jahil. good luck lah laki korang. doakan laki aku umur panjang dan jodoh kami berpanjangan... sebab kalau laki aku mati dulu, atau jodoh kami tak panjang, laki siapa lah nak jadi calon untuk dibenci oleh korang...jangan terkejut kalau tetiba bakal laki kau pun jadi hatelist orang. nauzubillahuminzalik.. takkan jadi kan.. ko tahu takkan jadi sebab ko tuhan kan?
5. 'at least aku tak buat something that makes my parents sad.'- sebab engkau bermuka-muka. mcm aku cakap, dari hidup bapak kau, kau dok tapis citer, pergi dating pergi beromantika semua ko rahsia, duduk kat kg baru sebab bapak ko tak tahu.. kalau umur belasan tahun dah jadi model majalah, habis satu malaysia, dan masih rahsia dari bapak.... memanglah kau tak make your parents sad. hipokrit. dan lagi satu, ko confirm ke aku make my parent sad? just because sis idola kedua kau tu kekonon jaga nak buat mak bapak dia happy?
'aik dah jadi tuhan pulak fikir salah betul orang.'.. itu respond kau bila aku cakap 'kau salah. bukak quran.'- bodoh, guna ayat aku,. aku cakap kau salah sebab bila aku suruh pikir pasal arwah bapak ko, ko cakap itu kerja kau dan kau tahu...kalau tak habis2 kau buat dosa, buat maksiat (dan maksiat disini tidak hanya bermaksud zina, pi belajar lah apa maksud maksiat dan fitnah!), itu maknanya kau rela bapak kau kena libas sebab dosa ko. nauzubillahuminzalik. bapak kau manusia paling sayang setiap insan... kesian kat dia. allahummaghfirlahu warhamhu wa'afihi wa'fuanhu.
6. 'memanglah idola. tak lupa jugak kakak kami lagi sorang kak yeen.idola kami semua.'- nah... ni ayat syirik. aku tulis balik apa ko tulis je. tak ubah sikit pun. again, go baca quran. baca apa sembahan kafir quraysh before islam.
7. 'kau dan laki kau semua orang pandang dah bawah tapak kaki je.'- ini pun ayat ko. alhamdulillah. no ill-feelings. seriously..ini lah sakit korang... apa orang pandang! aku betul2 tak heran apa orang pandang. kalau aku heran, dah lama aku pakai niqab tutup kelubung semua, dengan anak-anak2 aku aku kelubungkan! orang nak pandang macam mana pun, pandanglah. aku tak heran. aku risau Allah yang taknak pandang aku. Aku risau, nanti, salamun qaulam mir robbi rohim itu aku tak dapat. masa tu, mati meroyan menggila macam mana pun, dah no mercy. syukur aku orang tak pandang aku... tapi, mcm point aku yang no 1.. 'lama perati'... ko yang ngaku ko pandang aku.. belit lah kau minah!
8.'pondan tua yang kau cerita tulah anak buah kesayangan bapak aku sampai akhir hayat dia. '- ini pun ayat syirik. heran apa aku sapa anak buah kesayangan bapak kau. bapak kau tuhan ke? aku heran nak jadi kesayangan tuhan je.kau kene tukar mindset, jadi kesayangan tuhan gak..bukan kesayangan sesiapa.
9. 'aku doakan anak2 kau tak ikut gila dan jahat kau n suami (harapnyalah. tapi ciri-ciri dah nampak dah dari kecik)' - alhamdulillah,, doa yang sama untuk bakal anak-anak kau.. dan ayat yang sama kau guna kat aku, aku bagi balik 'TAPI ciri-ciri dah nampak dah (walau belum lahir lagi)'
10. 'yelah kau kan 'writer' konon'- jangan perkecilkan sumber rezeki aku. unless kau betul2 rasa diri kau tuhan. kalau betul kau tuhan, betullah apa aku claim yang kau syirik... aku guna perkataan KALAU..jangan sentap over!
banyak kau hina aku.. kau bangsat kan aku. kau tuduh aku gila. korang boikot aku.
ye, bahasa aku pun tak terkawal mana.. tapi, yang aku ulang-ulang guna kau bodoh, gemuk, kakaktua, murah harga diri, bodoh, bodoh,.bodoh, bangang, bodoh..aku quote ayat pedih budak umur 25 tahun yang dah matured, dah tahu hidup di alam perkahwinan, yang dah pernah rasa sakit lebih dari sakit ubat kimo dan bakaran radioterapi, yang dah rasa siksa kena hina dengan orang yang sejak lahir dibesarkan bersama lepas tu tabur andaian palsu yang diyakini benar tohmah kat aku..ni ayat dia
"ZUR AIN INGAT SIKIT KAU MASIH ADA ANAK ANAK KECIK. MULUT JANGAN TERLALU BANGSAT SANGAT JAHAT NAK MAMPUS."
Iya, itu ayat aku ingat sampai mati! ayat yang aku dapat atas aku dok ulang-ulang cakap kau bodoh.
Hebat kakak matured!
................
a reminder to aidan, aimar and aivey...
mama tried writing this in full sanity and logical thinking as possible.
apparently i failed.
just as much i cried reading my post abour irfan's departure, or suzana's entering the ITM and all... this would be one of the post that i would cry over and over again reading it.
you guys know how i tried and i cried.
you guys are my witnesses bersaksi pada Tuhan on me trying hard to just want everybody to be in the right path.
pegang pesan mama sampai bila-bila... sampaikan kat anak-anak kalian.
jaga agama, ikut sunnah.
we are just hamba Allah and I can't guarantee how kalian would grow and be.
but i believe in doa and i believe in Allah.
bila ada tergerak hati korang nak buat dosa, ingatlah, kalau mama aboh takde, dosa kalian, mama aboh tanggung... infact, dosa kalian, aboh tanggung.
korang nanti akan jadi suami, jadi isteri, jadi bapa, jadi mak... semua tanggungan amanah kalian, kalian kena pantau.
it is ugly of what had happened.
it is sad bila duit dan pandangan manusia jadi priority dan lupa rezeki Allah itu pelbagai bentuk.
kita kene doa yang baik-baik..
sebab doa tu, datang balik kat kita.
I don't write to please, so I don't write if it's wrong.
Yet, even when I have nothing to offer but my writing, people still find their way to use it as a weapon to kill myself.
If only they knew, the moment before we were created, everything about us has been written.
Woo to you who talks bad and won't be able to husnuzon.
...
A 25-year old matured adult, who claimed herself an adult texted me yesterday.
Takde salam takde apa.. after at least a year or two of no direct communication... texted me and asked me 'asal?'... and that is where it's all started...
as a matter of fact, that's not how it started.
and things are so ugly that i could hardly blog it here.
but they talked about me.
they talked about my family.
as if i am no family.
when i was the one who held them on the buai in front of nenek's house serenading buai laju-laju...
when i was the one who had them on my chest when it was hot and they couldn't sleep in the humid afternoons.
and i have a list of the things i would want to say.
i was the one who cried for them, being proud and happy.
i was the one who cheered for them, being right or wrong (bodoh me!).
i was the one who laughed for them even when there were not funny.
today, it all got back to me.
antara nak jadi jahat dan kasik syaitan menang.
and that was my intention when i start the sentence 'I write because it's right.'
hari ni,
ada insan hina kami.
kata kami gila dan jahat.
kata anak-anak kami dah ada ciri-ciri gila dan jahat.
hari ni,
ada insan keji kami.
kata kami writer inverted comma.
hari ni,
ada insan tuduh kami.
sebok redha suami, biar hilang redha mak sendiri.
allahuakakbar.
insan yang umurnya baru nak masuk 25 tahun.
yang pada usia remajanya, bangga menjadi model majalah, tanpa kebenaran ayahnya (hingga ayah menjadi arwah tidak ketahuan perihalnya).
insan yang yang terpampar gambar Allah perlihatkan di mata kami, berposing di bilik hotel bersama teman lelakinya dulu dan masih mengaku mulia.
tak,
aku tak baik.
tak perlu buka aib aku.
bila aku menaip ini pun, aku dah hina diri aku, bukak aib aku.
ye, aku bukak aib aku, bukan aib insan itu, bukan aib sesiapa.
sebab insan itu memang takde kait-mengait dengan aku.
cuma tanggungjawab aku sesama islam, aku benar-benar mahu semua orang rasa, azab Allah itu benar dan kita tak mampu menanggungnya.
baca balik apa yang sudah kau hantarkan.
ye, aku berdosa tuduh 'pondan tua' itu lesbian.
tapi, itu bukan memfitnah.
fitnah dalam qur'an maknanya dugaan.
kalau duit perhabis dekat perempuan.
bila perempuan tinggalkan terus meroyan.
kalau mak yang sorang berasa hati sebab kau sanggup perabis duit kat perempuan, dengan mak kau, kau tengking bagai nak rak.
kalau bangga pergi pos 'immigration yang perempuan jangan lah segan kalau saya hulur badan saya untuk check, sebab saya ni perempuan... nampak je macam lelaki.'....
itu semua, fitnah buat orang sekeliling.
dugaan nak berhusnudzon.
kau dah bagi jalan orang berburuk sangka, dan kau maki orang kata orang tabur fitnah.
umur dah nak masuk 50 tahun.
aku doa kau nampak jalan benar, kau sempat bertaubat.
aku doa, aku sempat bertaubat dan allah terima taubat aku.
tapi ni aku nak pesan, kalau tak nak orang panggil kau lesbian atau pondan tua, jangan tunjuk diri tu macam tu.
biarlah tak cantik dan buruk pun, pakai tudung tu.
tutup aurat.
dok heboh satu insta, cakap semua blessing dari allah.
kesian kat kau makcik, rambut masih merah menyala, pendek mengalahkan jantan, dan bangga itu blessing allah.
ya, aku tahu, aku ada anak untuk aku jaga.
aku tak boleh jamin hidup perangai diorang.
itu sebab aku pegang doa nabi ibrahim kuat-kuat.
aku yakin allah jaga anak-anak aku.
aku yakin quran dan sunnah.
antara betul dengan jaga hati, kena dahulukan betul dulu.
dah budak umur 25 tahun yang matured yang nak sekolahkan aku ni lak satu hal.
dia bangga mengaku, pondan tua itu sponsor semua anak-beranak.
alhamdulillah.
pernah aku tanya kenapa sambut birthday tak ajak, dan jawab diorang, sebab pondan tua yang sponsor. lepas tu load dalam insta cakap keluarga kena bersatu. sedap kau putuskan silaturrahim lepas tu kau tuduh aku yang tak ikut cakap allah dan nabi saw.
yang buat tahlil, siap berkhemah bagai, up status bagai...
pun tak jemput.
sebab pondan tua sponsor, tak halal bagi aku anak beranak makan, kot.... ye, itu yang aku fikirkan dan aku bukan tuhan.
dalam wasap semalam, satu-satu ayat orang takde agama keluar.
'diorang semua datang balik kepada kami.'
sama dengan kata allah suruh cakap 'innalillahiwainnailaihirrojiun'... sesungguhnya semua datang dari allah dan kembali kepadaNya. cuma dalam konteks wasap budak matured 25 thn tu, datang kepada kami tu bukan tuhan tapi mereka, keluarga yang satu itu.
lepas tu, sedap cakap.. dah lama kami perati....
aku cakap korang takde life, korang marah...
dah jadi tukang perati, tak pernah bunyi apa-apa, tiba-tiba meletup, apa kes?
meletup sebab nak defend sis idola lak tu.
lepas tu korang claim korang melihat,mendengar dan korang tahu.
seriously, aku kagum ngan korang....
sebijik ayat Allah dalam Quran... Aku Al-Basir, As-Sami', Al-'Alim.
takut aku ngan korang ni...
Korang pernah tak baca Quran?
Kalau tak tahu baca, pergilah belajar.
Baca tafsir terjemahan tu.
Kalau sis idola takmo sponsor, meh aku belanja. Nanti aku pos kat korang.
Cuma nak bagitau je, nak kasik mudah kat korang.
Dalam Quran, ada perkataan 'aduu .. maksud dia musuh.
kalau kau baca satu-satu, Allah cakap syaitan 'aduu to human being. musuh manusia. musuh kamu.
Dalam Quran jugak, Allah mention 'aduu to one particular makhluk.. and it's not syaitan.
Allah arah kat Nabi Musa AS, pergilah jumpa musuh Aku dan musuh kamu... Allah cakap Firaun musuh Allah, sebab Firaun saja makhluk Allah yang mengaku dia tuhan.
Sekarang, aku nasihat korang istighfar banyak-banyak, sementara sempat.
Aku serious.
Azab Allah tu tak tertanggung seksanya.
Cuba imagine, kau mati, dengan ayat-ayat yang kau bagi kat aku dalam wasap... "mereka balik kepada kami, bukan kau. kami lama perhati. kami melihat, mendengar dan tahu..'... itu semua ayat-ayat Allah woi... takut korang rasa diri korang Tuhan, dah sama taraf ngan Firaun, jadi musuh Allah direct woi.
Baca balik ayat aku sebelum nak meroyan... aku cakap 'TAKUT KORANG RASA'... kalau aku salah, alhamdulillah.
Tak, aku tak baik.
Aku tahu. Hari-hari aku tengok FB insta aku, gambar aku bukak aurat semua aku delete.
Aku harap dan doa sesiapa pun yang ada gambar aku bukak aurat pun delete. Tapi kalau memang korang rasa itu hak korang nak delete tak delete, aku takleh cakap apa.
Kalau kau baca ayat-ayat aku kat atas ni macam bagus, macam aku takde dosa, padamkan dulu apa korang fikir.
Korang kene admit, matured-matured korang pun, korang memang bodoh.
Terer-terer korang pun jadi pegawai dekat Petronas, score deans'list tiap2 semester, korang masih bodoh.
Itu korang admit.
Aku lagi pandai dari korang, dan sebab aku pandailah aku tahu aku paling jahat.
Aku tahu aku jahat.
Aku menangis airmata darah dalam setiap taubat aku, aku rasa aku tak deserve pengampunan atas segala dosa aku.
Tapi, aku membaca. Nabi marah kalau cakap macam tu. Orang takde tauhid je nak dispute kasih dan sayang Allah.
Aku dah kena dah sekarang.
Aku dapat sakit, bukan sebarang sakit... cancer kot! ko ada?
Aku tak keje, ikhlas sebab aku memang tak nak keje, korang jaki cakap laki aku memang control freak. Tapi meh nak sekolahkan korang, keje laki, selagi tak langgar apa Allah dan Nabi suruh, selagi tu kene control anak bini dia. Nabi siap pesan, kalau Dajjal datang, ikat anak bini perempuan-perempuan kamu. Tapi, korang ni, memang kena hadam lelama lah nak faham.
Aku takmo ngadu dalam ni... tapi, aku nak tahu korang tahu yang aku tahu aku tak alim, dan jangan salahkan setiap hujah Quran yang aku gunakan sebab datang nye dari aku. kalau benda falsafah itu memang dari aku, ye, caci aku. tapi, kalau apa yang aku kongsi tu Firman Allah, Sabda Nabi, jangan perkecilkan.... check balik..kalau betul apa aku sampaikan tu salah, wajib korang perbetulkan.
Dah 2 tahun aku solat bertahjud, tak pernah sekali aku tak mintak doa kat Allah, ampunkan dosa aku, ampunkan dosa mama abah, ampun dosa aku ngan laki aku, dan mesti gak aku selitkan ampunkan dosa orang yang benci kami. Betul. Aku tak tipu. Hati orang jadi bersih bila Allah ampunkan dosa.
Bila banyak sangat dosa, bintik-bintik hitam terlalu banyak, sampai keras apa yang ada di as-sudhur, istighfar bebanyak..mintak Allah kasik kekuatan bila malaikat tukar kulit kau yang terbakar dengan kulit baru lepas tu bakar lagi berulang-ulang. Sakit woi. Aku kene radioterapi 33 kali pun sakit kena bakar tu sampai sekarang terkesan... telinga berdarah, air liur takde... dah aku kene camtu, korang ingat memang aku nak buat balik ke benda2 yang akan buat aku lagi seksa macam kat neraka tu?
Korang bangga. Korang rasa korang betul korang menang.
Tahniah.
Aku bukan serendah korang, nak main game matured korang.
I'm a writer and I write.
Korang punya bodoh, to some extent, korang kene bersyukur that you don't need a brain to learn how to breath..for if breathing is something that brain need to work on, i doubt you would live longer... baper tahun? 25 thn? hmmm and sis idola dah nak masuk 50 thn lagi 5 thn. and sis idola no 2 pun nak masuk 40 thn lagi 3 thn. hebat matematik... kalau ikut umur Nabi wafat umur 63thn, insyaallah, boleh runner lagi nak tobat.
Betul, aku doa korang sempat bertaubat.
Aku doa aku sempat bertaubat.
Seronok syaitan layan perasaan aku hari ni dan semalam.
Nak marah syaitan pun, aku punya bodoh sendiri.
Tapi, at least, aku tak jadi syaitan.. tak buat kerja syaitan...
Lagi hina, ada orang tu, bukan buat kerja syaitan... siap mensyirikkan tuhan lagi.
Kalau kau bersyahadah 'lailahaillallah' dan kau yakin kau tak syirik, aku betul-betul suruh kau bukak balik buku pendidikan islam korang.
faham balik maksud syirik.
mudah cara, meh aku quote balik ayat dalam wasap ko semalam, dengan apa yang possibility dosa ko kene bertaubat.
1. 'Lama perhati' - Bukak Quran, surah al-hujrat.. Allah cakap, jangan stalk orang! Kerja memerhati ni, Allahnya kerja. Dia ada assitant dok tulis semua amalan hamba Dia.. bukan ko.
2. kami 'sekeluarga'tenang je. alhamdulillah masih bersatu and kuat. - kau bangga stay together 'sekeluarga'putus kan silaturrahim lepas tu tuduh aku putuskan sebab aku berdrama menjerit, padahal masa first time jerit, aku takde... pondan tua tu, bila laki aku confront dia kata takde issue, lepas tu dia turun dia jerit depan makcik-makcik malukan laki aku... tanya orang yang ada kat situ, ada laki aku jerit balik? yang kali kedua aku jerit sebab korang tuduh anak-anak aku kurang ajar, padahal anak aku bercakap sama diorang, si dean list yang ngadu kat pondan tua, pondan tua yang takde anak nak nasihat anak aku jgn kurang ajar macam bapak korang (sedap cop bapak orang depan anak orang!), aku duduk cakap ngan mak si pondan tua tu (sebab dia penakut tak nak cakap elok-elok dengan aku kat luar bilik dia).. elok tetiba dia nak jerit... lepas tu, aku jerit balik, semua nak tuduh aku yang mula jerit... hina siut game pondan tua tu!
3. 'tapi semua balik datang kepada kami. ada pergi kepada kau?'- ini memang ayat syirik. lagi hina, rasa diri tuhan.
4. ' kalau dah rasa diri paling betul di dunia buatlah cara sendiri. jangan sampai redha suami dapat redha ibu tak dapat. ' - ini ayat orang jahil. good luck lah laki korang. doakan laki aku umur panjang dan jodoh kami berpanjangan... sebab kalau laki aku mati dulu, atau jodoh kami tak panjang, laki siapa lah nak jadi calon untuk dibenci oleh korang...jangan terkejut kalau tetiba bakal laki kau pun jadi hatelist orang. nauzubillahuminzalik.. takkan jadi kan.. ko tahu takkan jadi sebab ko tuhan kan?
5. 'at least aku tak buat something that makes my parents sad.'- sebab engkau bermuka-muka. mcm aku cakap, dari hidup bapak kau, kau dok tapis citer, pergi dating pergi beromantika semua ko rahsia, duduk kat kg baru sebab bapak ko tak tahu.. kalau umur belasan tahun dah jadi model majalah, habis satu malaysia, dan masih rahsia dari bapak.... memanglah kau tak make your parents sad. hipokrit. dan lagi satu, ko confirm ke aku make my parent sad? just because sis idola kedua kau tu kekonon jaga nak buat mak bapak dia happy?
'aik dah jadi tuhan pulak fikir salah betul orang.'.. itu respond kau bila aku cakap 'kau salah. bukak quran.'- bodoh, guna ayat aku,. aku cakap kau salah sebab bila aku suruh pikir pasal arwah bapak ko, ko cakap itu kerja kau dan kau tahu...kalau tak habis2 kau buat dosa, buat maksiat (dan maksiat disini tidak hanya bermaksud zina, pi belajar lah apa maksud maksiat dan fitnah!), itu maknanya kau rela bapak kau kena libas sebab dosa ko. nauzubillahuminzalik. bapak kau manusia paling sayang setiap insan... kesian kat dia. allahummaghfirlahu warhamhu wa'afihi wa'fuanhu.
6. 'memanglah idola. tak lupa jugak kakak kami lagi sorang kak yeen.idola kami semua.'- nah... ni ayat syirik. aku tulis balik apa ko tulis je. tak ubah sikit pun. again, go baca quran. baca apa sembahan kafir quraysh before islam.
7. 'kau dan laki kau semua orang pandang dah bawah tapak kaki je.'- ini pun ayat ko. alhamdulillah. no ill-feelings. seriously..ini lah sakit korang... apa orang pandang! aku betul2 tak heran apa orang pandang. kalau aku heran, dah lama aku pakai niqab tutup kelubung semua, dengan anak-anak2 aku aku kelubungkan! orang nak pandang macam mana pun, pandanglah. aku tak heran. aku risau Allah yang taknak pandang aku. Aku risau, nanti, salamun qaulam mir robbi rohim itu aku tak dapat. masa tu, mati meroyan menggila macam mana pun, dah no mercy. syukur aku orang tak pandang aku... tapi, mcm point aku yang no 1.. 'lama perati'... ko yang ngaku ko pandang aku.. belit lah kau minah!
8.'pondan tua yang kau cerita tulah anak buah kesayangan bapak aku sampai akhir hayat dia. '- ini pun ayat syirik. heran apa aku sapa anak buah kesayangan bapak kau. bapak kau tuhan ke? aku heran nak jadi kesayangan tuhan je.kau kene tukar mindset, jadi kesayangan tuhan gak..bukan kesayangan sesiapa.
9. 'aku doakan anak2 kau tak ikut gila dan jahat kau n suami (harapnyalah. tapi ciri-ciri dah nampak dah dari kecik)' - alhamdulillah,, doa yang sama untuk bakal anak-anak kau.. dan ayat yang sama kau guna kat aku, aku bagi balik 'TAPI ciri-ciri dah nampak dah (walau belum lahir lagi)'
10. 'yelah kau kan 'writer' konon'- jangan perkecilkan sumber rezeki aku. unless kau betul2 rasa diri kau tuhan. kalau betul kau tuhan, betullah apa aku claim yang kau syirik... aku guna perkataan KALAU..jangan sentap over!
banyak kau hina aku.. kau bangsat kan aku. kau tuduh aku gila. korang boikot aku.
ye, bahasa aku pun tak terkawal mana.. tapi, yang aku ulang-ulang guna kau bodoh, gemuk, kakaktua, murah harga diri, bodoh, bodoh,.bodoh, bangang, bodoh..aku quote ayat pedih budak umur 25 tahun yang dah matured, dah tahu hidup di alam perkahwinan, yang dah pernah rasa sakit lebih dari sakit ubat kimo dan bakaran radioterapi, yang dah rasa siksa kena hina dengan orang yang sejak lahir dibesarkan bersama lepas tu tabur andaian palsu yang diyakini benar tohmah kat aku..ni ayat dia
"ZUR AIN INGAT SIKIT KAU MASIH ADA ANAK ANAK KECIK. MULUT JANGAN TERLALU BANGSAT SANGAT JAHAT NAK MAMPUS."
Iya, itu ayat aku ingat sampai mati! ayat yang aku dapat atas aku dok ulang-ulang cakap kau bodoh.
Hebat kakak matured!
................
a reminder to aidan, aimar and aivey...
mama tried writing this in full sanity and logical thinking as possible.
apparently i failed.
just as much i cried reading my post abour irfan's departure, or suzana's entering the ITM and all... this would be one of the post that i would cry over and over again reading it.
you guys know how i tried and i cried.
you guys are my witnesses bersaksi pada Tuhan on me trying hard to just want everybody to be in the right path.
pegang pesan mama sampai bila-bila... sampaikan kat anak-anak kalian.
jaga agama, ikut sunnah.
we are just hamba Allah and I can't guarantee how kalian would grow and be.
but i believe in doa and i believe in Allah.
bila ada tergerak hati korang nak buat dosa, ingatlah, kalau mama aboh takde, dosa kalian, mama aboh tanggung... infact, dosa kalian, aboh tanggung.
korang nanti akan jadi suami, jadi isteri, jadi bapa, jadi mak... semua tanggungan amanah kalian, kalian kena pantau.
it is ugly of what had happened.
it is sad bila duit dan pandangan manusia jadi priority dan lupa rezeki Allah itu pelbagai bentuk.
kita kene doa yang baik-baik..
sebab doa tu, datang balik kat kita.
Sunday, March 3, 2019
March the 30th
They called him Apek, Mayat and Acap.
I'm not used to Mayat, but I sometimes used the nick Apek when I talked to his friends who called him by that name.
Most of the others, he is so Acap.
I remembered the first time I heard his name.
Not the boy I really want to meet and get to know.
The geek from IC who slept all night and day.
The unfriendly friend of mine who knocked on my door didn't say much when he saw me and just waited for me to get ready.
Nope, not my kind of boy.
And he never showed much interest on me pun when we first met..so, kita kena lah maintain machokan..
After all, time tu, masing2 ada boyfren girlfren kat Mesia..and as for him, ada awek2 a few dok hantar kad2 posted to him... tak kira aweks2 dia dok melepak sesama...
Well, at least, that's what I thought, 19 years ago.
Wuuhuu!
It's March!
Somehow, we celebrated the day we met more than we celebrated our tunang day or akad nikah day.
Maybe it's because it came earlier than the engagement day or the wedding day.
Maybe it's the beautiful 300300 codes that we can easily remember and not forget.
Somehow, when it comes March, I get all mellow going down the memory lane.
Of course, perhaps the courting years was so much fun now that we are too comfortable with each other to some extent we tend to 'ignore' at some points.
But then again, it was neither him nor to be blame at.
We are okay with the rate.
We had a great dinner at KLCC last friday, just the two of us.
Truth was, I do feel a bit awkward.. some part of me was missing the kids.. hahaha...
But, as I was listening and admiring every words in the Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper song, Shallow, I just got drifted away. We can totally relate to every words in the song. The past few years wasn't easy for us. He may not have told me literally for he never did even 19 years ago.
I was the vocal one in the relationship of AA3003. He wrote a letter with a ticket to London, I replied with 5 pages of short stories of how fairy tales should started. He called up just to say hi and I ended up using up all his credits telling how insane his penfriend was for telling me (his new friend) was not pretty (ehem... masih dia ingat awek ni tak jeles time tu.. hati batu). I was asking how was the weather, and he grabbed a passer by just to verified that it was how and he was topless at that time (masa tu mana ada video call, pakai fon nokia 3310 je kot.. I up sikitlah, motorola startac tuh.)
After 19 years, despite of me telling my friends about him and his words (mostly not wasted much but just remarks made me think), he doesn't have to tell me how his life has been.
Truth is, it has never been easy for the past five years. It's hardest lately.
But there he is, standing strong.
I wish I could write more. But I'm too heartbroken thinking how bad people who is supposed to support us (or me) made things more difficult that they should. To those in readings, and know I meant you, I really need you girls to know,
He is my man.
Walallahi, I love him not because of himself.
He is Godsent.
He couldn't be the syurga for me, for he himself is working his best to gain Jannah.
But Alhamdulillah, Allah made it easy for me to gain Jannah thru him.
Subhanaallah.
He is the most responsible husband and aboh to us.
That is enough.
He knows what's wrong what's right what's best for us.
And I love Allah and Rasulullah SWT so much and with all my faith, I know, all I want is syurga, and that's what I'm chasing. Insyaalah.
Yes, to all of you out there,
get your priority right.
While you were complaining hating him, reflect back if you've done enough to secure your jannah?
Abang,
It's our 19th cinta-cinta sayang anniversary this March, and gonna be our 15th year of marriage in August, Alhamdullillah.
Enough with all the words, gestures and all...
We're far from the shallow now.
As long as I have you, I know we are okay.
Thank you for always be there as my bestmate, bedmate, bitemate, boomate and whatever we can think of.
Happy 3003 Acap & Ain!
Tell me somethin', girl
Are you happy in this modern world?
Or do you need more?
Is there somethin' else you're searchin' for?
Are you happy in this modern world?
Or do you need more?
Is there somethin' else you're searchin' for?
I'm falling
In all the good times I find myself
Longin' for change
And in the bad times I fear myself
In all the good times I find myself
Longin' for change
And in the bad times I fear myself
Tell me something, boy
Aren't you tired tryin' to fill that void?
Or do you need more?
Ain't it hard keeping it so hardcore?
Aren't you tired tryin' to fill that void?
Or do you need more?
Ain't it hard keeping it so hardcore?
I'm falling
In all the good times I find myself
Longing for change
And in the bad times I fear myself
In all the good times I find myself
Longing for change
And in the bad times I fear myself
I'm off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I'll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us
We're far from the shallow now
I'll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface, where they can't hurt us
We're far from the shallow now
In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
We're far from the shallow now
In the shallow, shallow
In the shallow, shallow
We're far from the shallow now
Monday, February 25, 2019
Pendakwah Berangan
When I was small, I always wanted to be someone who is an expert in language, be it Bahasa Melayu or English.
But then, my parents always wanted me to be a doctor or an engineer.
The sent me to the MRSM, and they encouraged me to go to the UK right after my SPM.
Alhamdulillah.
I had my fare shares.
Last Saturday, I was reflecting about myself.
Alhamdulillah.. started with a friend asking for help with copywriting, I found passion and rizq in writing.
Nope, me no expert, and no matter how others been telling me that I am good in writing, I still am not convinced.
Allah SWT was so kind that my weaknessess and aib was hid perfectly, I knew, He knew.
Truth is, I suck in writing.
I may good with words, but nope, my writing was bad.
Insyaallah, I hope it get better in time, and by that, hopefully I do pick up the phase fast enough.
Last Saturday, as I was thanking Allah on the 'talent' He bestowed upon me, I wish I could have a different ambition.
I wish I could be an ustazah, like my mentor, Ustazah Norhafizah Musa...
Lembutnya berkata-kata, penuh hikmah, penuh ketenangan.
Subhanallah...
I can never get enough of her words of wisdom and all...
Cemburu dengan dia.
I wish I could have the ilmu she have.
I wish I could understand Allah, Islam and all as deep as she did.
I wish I could be an expert in Arabic and can memorize all the words in the Quran.
Nope, not that I'm not thankful with I able to do now neither that I'm complaining of my lackings.
I'm jotting this down so that I would be able to remind myself that this is what I want, nope, what I NEED to do.
It may take forever.
Robbi yassir wala tuassir..
I want to be a pendakwah.
I want to start with my husband and my anak-anak.
I want to spread it to my dear parents and all.
I want everyone to really know that azab Allah itu sangat sangat sangat sangat (tulislah banyak mana sangat pun, memang takkan cukup kiraan sangatnya) berat!
Not that I won't be diazabkan, Nauzubillah, I don't want to, and I know syurga is not something that I'd be guarantee of.. tapi I have faith. I believe Allah ar-ghaffur, Allah ar-rahim, Allah as-sami', Allah al-'alim.
And I believe Allah al-mulk, Allah al-'aziz, Allah al-qahhar, Allah al-muzil, Allah al-khofidh.
Bahagia bila mendengar salam dari Allah.
Hina bila bayang aura Dia sikit pun kita tak layak tengok.
Seksa yang amat sangat kalau azab Dia yang kita dapat.
I want everyone to know, I am truly true when I said I want you to know the truth, be in the truth and do what's true.
Kalau kita rasa berdosa itu takpe sebab nanti Allah Maha Penerima Taubat, meh ingat balik, hebat mana kita yang kita tahu bila 'nanti' kita tu nak sampai? malam kang? esok? lusa? next month? dah, kalau lepas abis baca blog ni, terus Malaikat Maut sampai kat kita, cammana malam kang kita nak taubat tak sempat?
Tak logik eh lepas abis baca blog ni Malaikat Maut sampai? yelah.. takde pun tanda-tanda 100 hari nak mati, 30 hari nak mati bla bla bla..
kita!
sombong tak bertempat
bodoh tak terajar
perasan tak beringat
bangga tak tergambar
riak tak mengaku
takbur tak terkira
astaghfirullahhal'azim..
meh la semua.
kita ni, fitrahnya suci.
rezeki kita, celik mata dengar Allahuakbar.
mati kita biarlah berteman Lailahailallah
akhir doa kita biarlah Alhamdulillah.
Monday, February 18, 2019
Nota mama bila lama tak menulis
I haven't been posting anything in this blog as much as I wanted to.
I have a new kinda professional blog which I limit the content and my choice of work.
I have worked on the blog since January and was quite active updating it on weekly basis.
But that is totally not the same as this blog.
I have so many things to share.
I want to remind myself, I need to keep this blog alive till the day I depart. Insyaallah.
At least, till the day when my children mama's nag, or they just couldn't be around me as much as I wish they could be, I want to them to read this blog.
Line by line.
Words by words.
I realized that I couldn't write in a straight mind when I was very very sad and emotional.
As much as I shared a lot of posts that are definitely emotional, most of the posts are 'withheld'.. I would start a few lines and stop until I got 'sober'and continue writing.
I guess it's true.
One see me being so cheerful, talkative and all.
But I doubt that anyone, even my bestest friend, my soul, my life, won't be able to understand how I actually feel, regardless of I shared a lot of things with him.
Fact is, I trust Allah knows best for sometimes I wondered myself what was I thinking or feeling, actually.
I told everyone in many of my posts, I was so 'blessed' with a brain, beauty, loving family, parents who are so accommodating, great friends, promising careers, understanding and responsible husband, tolerable in-laws, obedient and smart children...mashallah. I should be ashamed with myself for what Allah has given me is waaaaaay tooooooo much.
Trust me. As a writer. The following paragraph would be
'Then, I got cancer.'
But I'm not going to write that.
I wanted my children to know, I got cancer and it was cancer that brought me to the life I never knew how much I yearned for. '
I had cancer in 2014. I completed the treatment, and trust me, the remission has brought me to one adventure after another since then. I couldn't eat spices for 12 months after the treatment. The fluid from my ears has been flowing out since then. Last year, there were traces of blood. And this month, I started having flu since 2014. I have fluid running down my nose since 2014 too, but it wasn't flu. But the flu is not a 'normal'flu. I started to get a little uncomfortable for I can 'smell'my flu, badly. And to be honest, I couldn't take it.
Agghh..me and my ramble.
What I wanted to write was, started from cancer, I (personally) have been tested from one occurrence after another. Macam-macam dugaan.
Duit, keluarga besar, anak, suami, kerja, kereta... name it, chances are I am still struggling with it.
I had it bad.
There were times I wish I got my cancer back and die.
There were times I just want to leave everything and that's it.
Anak-anak mama tahu what we've gone thru.
Nak tulis satu-persatu, mama sendiri rasa malu.
Tapi, mama nak anak-anak tahu.
Though life was so much 'merrier' before I had my cancer, I never ever want to go back to that life.
I was so blessed and yet I never care to fulfill my task being a hamba Allah.
Allah gave me so much, and I never care to thank Him.
I felt His love now.
The moment I wish to die, I was reminded with so many things.
The voice in my head was telling me, 'nak mati dilaknat Allah?' nauzubillahuminzalik.
The moment I wanteed to give up, asking why people do bad things.
I was reminded how all those things do no come from the people, but from the All-Mighty.
And I remember the verse la yukallifullahu nafsan illa wusaha, for Akllah will never burden us with something we couldn't bear.
I get stronger.
Allah knows best and Allah knows I can deal with it.
Aidan, Aimar, Aivey,
Kadang-kadang, I realized how unfair I was to all of you.
We were too frank with you guys that sometimes cerita-cerita yang tak pelu kalian tahu pun kami kongsikan.
Cerita adik yang benci kakak sebab suami kakaknya.
Cerita mereka yang tak jemput kita pergi kenduri sebab mereka takut rukang bayar makan diorang marah.
Aidan,
Masa mama tulis ni,
mama tak 'larat'dah.
Mama rindu semua orang.
Mama nak duduk jumpa berkumpul macam dulu-dulu.
Kalau dulu, sebelum tidur, mama doa mintak Allah ampunkan dosa mama dan dosa diorang.
Sekarang, setiap kali mama ingat, waktu solat, waktu dhoha, waktu makan, waktu dalam kete, waktu hujan... dalam setiap detik, mama doakan diorang.
Mama rindu.
Aidan,
We talked about this and you are well aware what we did and what they did.
Kita bukan Tuhan.
Tapi nanti, bila mama dah takde, tapi masih ada sisa kerabat mereka, Aidan tolong sampaikan rasa rindu mama yang amat sangat.
Ucap terima kasih dekat mereka.
Don't ever be rude.
Hormat mereka ikut syariat Islam.
and just tell them, mama has cried so many tears because of them.
Tell them, mama mintak ampun dekat diorang.
Tell them. mama tak pernah tak doa mintak Allah ampunkan diorang.
Mama puas cari ayaat Quran.. Allah suruh kita cakap benar. Allah suruh kita ampunkan orang. Tapi Mama belum jumpa lagi pesan Allah suruh kita lupakan.
Mama tak simpan dendam.
Mama cuma harap, satu hari diorang jumpa apa benar yang Mama cuba nak sampaikan selama ini.
Aidan,
masa mama tulis ni, Mama dok kira... dah nak masuk 2 tahun mama tak makan laksa mamiton.
Saturday, January 19, 2019
Rambling again
Three occassions in a row.
Mi passed away on Friday.
On Tuesday, Abang was warded, suspected heart attack.
Received the news that Mamu Nasir has also departed on Wednesday.
Subhanallah.. bak kata orang, dah jatuh di timpa tangga ,kepala pulak darah berlinangan bergenang.
...
Truthfully,
I couldn't describe the right emotions and the right state I am now.
I doubt that I'm in grief, but yes, I am sad.
Am I worried? I'm more worried that I'm not worried.
Rasanya, ada hikmah baca buku Qada Qadar yang I bought earlier this month at Nur Innai Bookstore.
Accepting the qadar that has been our qadha long before we were born.
...
I wanted to write about Mi's funeral.
How I wish to go in peace the way she did.
How I wanted to reflect the calmness, the beauty, the everything great on the day I leave for eternity.
I also wanted to talk about Abang's warded.
About how I brokedown for the stupid Waze was not working, and the ambulance was gone, and I was struggling to find my to the HSNZ.
I cried for I was worried, if anything happen to my dear Abang, I can never depend on Waze. I need him!
I also wanted to talk about Mamu Nasir and his people.
He has always be a person who loves others.
To some extent, he has given so much love to others that I couldn't see him loving himself.
Seorang yang sangat sayang silaturrahim.
I also wanted to write about the stranger that once was family.
We were not invited and I was not surprised.
In fact, I feel such a relief that it wasn't me who cut the ties off.
Alhamdullillah. Dekat akhirat nanti, masih mampu berharap syafaat Ya Habiballah Ya Rasulullah, masih layak lagi mencium bau syurga hendaknya, Ameen Ameen Ameen Ya Rabbal AlAmeen.
End up, all the summary I wrote above is too strong for me to put into words.
Too much of a heartache.
Just left me unspoken.
Mi passed away on Friday.
On Tuesday, Abang was warded, suspected heart attack.
Received the news that Mamu Nasir has also departed on Wednesday.
Subhanallah.. bak kata orang, dah jatuh di timpa tangga ,kepala pulak darah berlinangan bergenang.
...
Truthfully,
I couldn't describe the right emotions and the right state I am now.
I doubt that I'm in grief, but yes, I am sad.
Am I worried? I'm more worried that I'm not worried.
Rasanya, ada hikmah baca buku Qada Qadar yang I bought earlier this month at Nur Innai Bookstore.
Accepting the qadar that has been our qadha long before we were born.
...
I wanted to write about Mi's funeral.
How I wish to go in peace the way she did.
How I wanted to reflect the calmness, the beauty, the everything great on the day I leave for eternity.
I also wanted to talk about Abang's warded.
About how I brokedown for the stupid Waze was not working, and the ambulance was gone, and I was struggling to find my to the HSNZ.
I cried for I was worried, if anything happen to my dear Abang, I can never depend on Waze. I need him!
I also wanted to talk about Mamu Nasir and his people.
He has always be a person who loves others.
To some extent, he has given so much love to others that I couldn't see him loving himself.
Seorang yang sangat sayang silaturrahim.
I also wanted to write about the stranger that once was family.
We were not invited and I was not surprised.
In fact, I feel such a relief that it wasn't me who cut the ties off.
Alhamdullillah. Dekat akhirat nanti, masih mampu berharap syafaat Ya Habiballah Ya Rasulullah, masih layak lagi mencium bau syurga hendaknya, Ameen Ameen Ameen Ya Rabbal AlAmeen.
End up, all the summary I wrote above is too strong for me to put into words.
Too much of a heartache.
Just left me unspoken.
Saturday, January 12, 2019
Departed
I haven’t been writing for quite a while.
It was a bust start of the year.
Arugumentsband glitch with the col dad.
Sending Aidan off.
The wedding.
The quran reconnect class.
The freelancing attempts.
The transcript appen.
The still krik krik.
The sick uncle at IJN.
The nobody see me physically except my mom, ezuan, achik, cakya, pak itam, mak itam and mamiton.
The mama’s bday that i don’t prepare for anything.
Mi’s departure.
That was it.
A recap for the first 11 days.
Yup, Mi has left us.
It was Friday.
CT called me, I didn’t answer the phone.
K Ani has texted in th group, I put a mute to all groups notifications. So I didn’t saw.
I was up in the room. Both of us.
It was after one hour I read the message. ‘Abang, Mi dah meninggal. Read the message!’
He was calm! So calm!
To some extent, I sound insane and unreal!
Innalillahiwainnailaihirrojiun
It was mama’ 71st, Alhamdulillah.
Happy birthday Ma.
and It was the day Mi departed.
an easy departure.
everything went smoothly.
we missed the funeral.
we missed bathing her.
we missed laying her in that grave.
we missed kissing her the last time.
we were late.
few hours late.
and she can’t wait.
she departed.
Allahummaghfirlaha warhamha wa’afiha wa’fuanha.
May Allah forgives her.
May Allah bless Mama Abah Mi and Yah till end of time.
Ameen.
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