Exam is over!

Alhamdulillah.. habis all six subjects for this semester dan mengharapkan dapat sambung biasiswa untuk habis belajar lagi tiga tahun, Insyaallah. 

This sem is quite tough - shorter than previous semester plus one extra subject... Tak keruan gaklah nak perabiskan all the classes and session tests.. Alhamdulillah, all is set and done. Tunggu result je... hoping of continuance, InsyaAllah, ameen. 

Lain bila belajar time dah tua ni dengan belajar masa muda remaja dulu... 

The importance of the right intention!

...

The right intention, would drive to the right guidance, and would force the right efforts for the best result, bi 'iznillah. 

So, untuk anak-anak, pesan Mama, starts with the right and best intention, which is please Allah, Insyaallah, ameen. 

...

We have six subjects this second semester: the aqeedah, fiqh, authority of sunnah, seerah and tajweed. 

I have various opinions in each of the subjects. Aqeedah definitely something that fear me the most in term of its contents. Definitely an awakening. Fiqh is like chemistry ~ interesting, yet intriguing on how the rulings come about. Arabic and Tajweed would always be the add math: tiring while trying to solve and figure out the solutions. But I definitely appreciate the Tajweed live classes the most, despite of the odd hours waking up at 2am every week. It was so fulfilling. The Authority of Sunnah is like physic ~ complicated yet it is what we should be applying in life. Seerah, nope - nothing like history.. I love Dr Muhammad Salah delivering the class in his best possible ways... I laughed hearing about Umar mocking Abu Jahal, I cried when listening to torturous of Rasulullah SAW and the sahabah and many more... gosh, just couldn't get enough of it.

Alhamdulillah..

I wanted to write more.. perhaps in my next post...

I have a love-hate relation with the degree...yet, who could resist the knowledge gained?

... when you think you knew it, yet, there were so much things that you don't know!

Before the New Year - A glimpse to yesterdays

wuuhuu..

So, it's a new year, and as usual, a 'new' refreshed resolution - while many among my friends would wanted to have a healthier lifestyle, keep fit and stay in good diet and all sort things ~ mine, as expected... keep on consistently writing... hahaha.. tell me something new!

But i guess, worth a try in this new day of the new year, insyaallah. 

May Allah eases my path, ameen. 

...

Where do I start? 

hahaha... same 'ol question, again and again. 

I guess, the same cliche answer would be, "we'll see how it works, just go as it flow"

...

2022 has been nice to us, Alhamdulillah. 

I successfully accepted to be student of knowledge as I got the scholarship of USD950 per semester to pursuit an online degree, BA in Islamic Studies. 

Alhamdulillah.

a-ha!

Let's start from there!

...

I maybe not now - maybe in my next post.. 

hahaha..

here I go again...

...

As for the kids, 2022 has surely been good to them. 

Aidan did well in his MRSMSPM which was the SPM trial paper with 7As and 2Bs. Alhamdulillah.... He has always been so consistent in thriving good results, and really hope that he wish to further up his studies oversea right after SPM would be materialized, ameen. 

Despite of being excellence in taking care this BWP assignment, and president of the hockey club; he was selected to join the states qualification hockey player, but wasn't his rezeki to be selected as one of the states player. Alhamdulillah. 

Aimar hasn't deliver as much on paper exam results ~ still owing us good result.. hahahaha.. the kiasu me! Alhamdulillah, he's on par with his hafazan, and we make du'a that he would put the knowledge in the most beneficial ways in everyone's life, ameen. In sports department, he did great although didn't win any medals in any competition. The sportsman he is, I'm sure he'd do great in any sport especially in bola tampar that he has passion on. 

Aivey had a good experience playing netball for the school despite the big big lose the team faced during the competition. As usual, the khalifah team might not be the favourite to win any games, but they would always win to charm everyone with their adab and courtesy, Alhamdulillah. Aivey started her online tuition learning BM with Ustaz Syidi and I noticed her BM vocabulary as increased as much, Alhamdulillah... Still picking up with her Quran recitation - that is one major thing we should put more intention in 2023, insyaAllah. 

...

As for me and abang, Alhamdulillah... time and age and health is catching up with us. 

Abang being the wiser one, still had to 'tahan telinga' when all three of his kids demanding him to stop smoking.. hahaha..

...

Me and health?

We still haven't manage to be in good term..huhuhu..

I had an incident where I fainted for few seconds (perhaps minutes) in Taman Tugu when I had a walk through the park with Shasha and Rozi. It was a day after I found out about my hypothyroid. 

And the hypothyroid is not helping much! I'm still struggling from it - been on prescribed Thyroxin sodium tablets, and nor a loyal visitor of Dr Shamin, the endocrologist in PCMC. 

And early December, I had a vertigo attack, slept for three lonely nights in PCMC and that was it ~ visiting the ENT this month.. so... I guess, 2023 will demand more hospital visit as compared to previous years, Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal. 

...

Well, I definitely have more to write... but I guess, I'll keep it for later, insyaallah. 

And so, here me bidding farewell 2022, and hell0 2023!

ASSALAMUALAIKUM WARAHMATULLAHI WABARAKATUH

Kg Baru

 Semalam, ada kereta MyVi hitam depan kereta kami, WNX5xxx .. soo familiar.. 

Terus Abg bunyi, "mak Daniel depan ni"...

And, as I was laughing ~ my chest felt so heavy literally ~ I just wanted to cry, and breath, all at once... so, all I could resort for was asking for the inhaler - one puff and the heaviness and tightness of the chest are all gone. 

Yup, I'm soo in need of the inhaler ~ pelik gak, sebab lelah dah lama gone when I was twelve. But the tiredness in my body (perhaps because of the hypothroid) is not helping much with my breathing. 

I don't miss Daniel, but I miss the memory - I miss Zarif and his kind family too.. 

Yup, those memories when Mamiton was nursing and babysitting them, and I was freely and always available in Kg Baru watching over them. 

Indeed, I miss Kg Baru. 

I really do. 

It have been years, and that much, I never stop making du'a that Allah gives me courage to have those moments back where I am freely be around in Kg Baru. 

But, it has never been easy with me. 

Every time the mentions about Kg Baru and everything related to it would make it difficult for me to breath. 

We passed Kg Baru several times, and my eyes would be teary ~ I would stare at the pink house, and wondering how is everyone doing. 

Earlier this month, Aidan and his friends were in Kg Baru, and they did went to Kedai Nasi Lemak Kak Sham for breakfast - I knew that deep inside, my son missed that beautiful place too. 

Can't Speak, Can't Eat

It was an experience!

Definitely something that I need to jot it down ~ 

...

It was lunch at Simpang 5.

My hypothyroid is not getting any better in time, yet, over lunch just now, I didn't had it easy.

I was struggling. 

I was trying to swallow the food, and needed me to chew more than I could. 

Honestly, it was tiring!

Yes, I was tired from eating ~ not because of too much food, but it was hard for my jaw to chew.

It must have been the cold weather, not as cold as anyone could imagine. 

But, it was hard, it was an experience. 

My jaw was soaring; and just like I had it before, when I found it hard to recite during my al-layl prayers... things not getting better .. not it becoming hard even when I wanted to swallow my food. 

The kids were on the same table, yet they could hardly understand.

My hubby did!

"Sabarlah, manje. Makan slow-slow, makan mana mampu"

and yes, I knew, he saw my tears ... 

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal..

May Allah accepted my tawbah and forgive me for all my sins. 

Ameen

Masih ada rindu

Tiba-tiba, airmata dia berderai. Jatuh gugur. Lama dah tak nangis tiba-tiba... 

Sakit rindu tu lagi pedih dari sakit kena chemo. 

Sakit rindu tu merobek-robek dada tak terungkap dengan bahasa. 

Sakit rindu tu takkan habis sampai bila-bila. 

...

My determined Aivey

Copy paste my status in FB to this more limited space for memory sake - it wasn't good memory and I know, even Aivey would remember this when she grow up..

The day she got so strong when her best friend told her she's not good enough for the team.

...

Mama pos gambar Aivey sini
…
Subhanallah, this small-built girl is one strong lady whom I am still clueless where she get the strength from!!!

Dia membesar dok tengok mama nangis, mama baring terjelepok, mama tak larat, mama tido.. (i slept at 8 semalam, tu yg terjaga tengah malam ni, alhamdulillah)

She has always been my ‘adult’ comforting me (and aboh too lah kan)..when I was sad, break down and burst out.

Yesterday, I cried again - and this time it was for her.
…
I picked her up lambat from school semalam. She said she wanted to practice her recorder. She’s been trying her very best to gain the skill the day bila teacher made the announcement about the TalentShow (which I have ‘issues’ with).

Ingat lagi masa dia balik lepas the announcement day.
‘Ma, I have no talent! Saya nak join xxx main recorder, and she asked me, ”do you have the talent!” I want to start learning ma!’
As mama Zur’ain, I convinced her that she could have it if she tried. And so, she did!
She bought the recorder from her pocket money.. beli kat DIY RM12. She watched the YouTube and wrote the notes and learned from her friends too.. I was impressed that she could self-taught herself within two weeks. Memanglah tak expert…

Last two days, she was telling me how much she looked forward for the sunday training with the girls.. Tapi, mama rasa lebih nak gi lepak and mandi pool je kot… 🤭

And petang semalam, when I picked her up at school, sayup-sayup dari jauh dengar bunyi recorder.. but this time dah tak baper off tune macam sebelum2 ni.. It was her!

Masuk kete, she told me, “Ma, saya tak main recorder lah. xxx kata dah penuh!”
I know something was not right, and so I asked!
“Saya tak pandai main. Tak sedap. So, tadi masa going home time, xxx cakap she had to kick me off, sebab dah penuh. It’s ok lah Ma!”
Terus my defensive mama mode switched on..

I’m not into commenting about the talent show and the school despite I do feel there’s a lot of missing goodness elements in it…
I ust want to share the strength Aivey reflected that evening when I picked her up and she told me she got kicked up by her friend…

She didn’t shed a tears!
“Awak tak sedih ke Vy?”
‘Why should I?’
“You’ve been practicing hard. You don’t even know how to tiup and now you could tell which is G notes, A notes and all. You’ve been planning for this Sunday practice. Out of sudden, you are out! I’d be sad if I were you!”
‘I don’t see why I must be sad, ma. I am mad. Saya marah sebab suddenly they have enough team, but before this they were ok. Saya marah sikit. But I don’t see why must I be sad and cry and all.. it’s not the end of the world! I can still live on.’

wow!!! Budak kecik ni tak pernah fail ajar mana nak hidup macam mana..
I was speechless listening to her khutbah. I was crying masa tu.. Rasa frustrated bila orang buat anak saya, and I couldn’t be at much help! We hugged and we are ok.

“You can always do other talent Vy! Teacher Fad cakap you are good at arithmetic!”
‘No need lah Mama.. I don’t like to be on stage alone by myself!’
…

Agghhh…
it’s human nature to be inclusive!
I know I would still feel sad when I saw those postings by my close relatives attending weddings, tunang, kenduri and makan2 and I was not in the pictures.
It wasn’t easy to stay strong and say ‘i’m ok!’

I was insisting for aivey to tell me that she’s not ok. I told her she shouldn’t hide her feelings.
‘it’s ok lah mama… i don’t cry, so, you should not cry too! we should just be good je, kan mama?’

Allahuakbar.. mana datang darah pahlawan dia ni?

It’s a harsh world out there, and mama always want the best of you.. Indeed you are the best for us! Alhamdulillah.

Ya Allah, jaga dia molek untuk yang baik-baik, Allahumma ameen.
…

Apparently.. I did asked her the details.. and this is more heartbroken, 

"Ma, Ayra knew that the Talentshow is postponed to February - which should be long enough to practice my skill...."

and so I asked her what did Ayra said on that day?

"She said they were so many people, so she asked me if I have other instruments that I can play? so I told her i can plan keyboard, but Ayra said she will be playing keyboard. And then, I told her I could play the xylophone, and she said no and she said I cannot join them!"

Aivey is one strong girl that not in me. 

I am still shedding tears when I remember how hard she's been practicing her recorded, so hard. 

I can vividly hear that recorded sound (or maybe noise) and how much she has improved so that she can join the talentshow... she just wanted to be inclusive.. and I can never stop feeling sad when I felt people that matters stayed away from me and stop including me in their life. 

and that was why I cried. and still crying..

As I asked Aivey, why are you not crying... she said, "I'm not sad. So I don't have to cry. But yes, I am mad!"

May Allah bless you for your patience, dear. 

It is possible

I brokedown, again, as I’m writing this.

I wanted to share my feelings in the FB, but I guess it is best suited to be keep here..

So that, when Aidan, Aimar, Aivey read this blog as I am no longer valid, they knew as mama was waiting in the car for Aivey to complete her kumon and Aboh was working offshore, I just brokedown.

I cried.

An-Nahl 16:90

إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِٱلْعَدْلِ وَٱلْإِحْسَٰنِ وَإِيتَآئِ ذِى ٱلْقُرْبَىٰ وَيَنْهَىٰ عَنِ ٱلْفَحْشَآءِ وَٱلْمُنكَرِ وَٱلْبَغْىِۚ يَعِظُكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ

Sesungguhnya Allah menyuruh berlaku adil, dan berbuat kebaikan, serta memberi bantuan kepada kaum kerabat; dan melarang daripada melakukan perbuatan-perbuatan yang keji dan mungkar serta kezaliman. Ia mengajar kamu (dengan suruhan dan laranganNya ini), supaya kamu mengambil peringatan mematuhiNya.

Indeed, Allah orders justice and good conduct and giving [help] to relatives and forbids immorality and bad conduct and oppression. He admonishes you that perhaps you will be reminded.

...

I had my blood test done with Rozi two months ago - my TSH was so high, which means my thyroid hormone is low. I had our weekly tadabbur at Taman Tugu and it was during the walkabout, I went all black, and fainted. Shasha was there, and she was fasting - the park was nothing for any normal person.. obviously, not me. Shasha said I was having 'fit' back then. 

Anyway, to cut it short, Rozi asked me to see an endocrinologist. And so, I went and set my appointment with Dr Shamin. 

Dia bagi thyroxin to makan everyday for a month... so, after one month, I went and visited her last Tuesday. 

Not much of an improvement - sebab iron sangat2 takde perubahan, hemoglobin masih bawah average... maka, dia nak setelkan hal darah dulu... 

Lepas tu, Dr Shamin pelik... 'why is your prolactin so high ye?'..

"what's prolactin, doc?"

'it's hormone for breastfeeding mom to produce milk'

a-ha! spot on!!

"well, since the chemo & radio, I do have milk coming out from my body - it was quite a lot last time, but it has reduced. nowadays, if i were to squeeze and force it out, there'll be some drops"...

Maka, di situ mulalah Dr Shamin faham - so, she's putting me for MRI scan in ten days time. 

The thing about MRI is that, I do have traumatic experiences with it - coming from where I had been before, it's all about cancer... 

The machine is so 'annoyingly' difficult to handle.. you can't move, you have to stay still and it is so noisy and take ages! 

Alhamdulillah for I'm the type of those who could simply fell asleep despite the noise. 

So, it was only the first time that I didn't sleep, and the 2nd, 3rd and 4th times, I did fell asleep. 

After 8 years, Dr Shamin mentioned it, and I just have mixed feeling about it. 

I can smell the chill of the room, the coolest place in the ground floor of the hospital, the me alone while the technician watching the scanning process, and my hubby outside the changing room, waiting for me to come out in no time.... 

I never like MRI. And that was why I set the date when my husband is back onshore. Even he couldn't do much and will just roam around when I'm doing my MRI, the idea of seeing him before I enter the room and coming out to look for him and he'll be there is soothing enough, Alhamdulillah..

I hope the result won't be anything serious. 

...

It just that at this late hour, I just feel like crying. I just miss the thought of me missing to be around my only nephew that I never met! I knew him, but he never had the chance to know his Mama Ain (yet, insyaallah).. I really wanted to spoiled him. I really wanted to tell him how he could be great like his cousins Abang Aidan and Abang Aimar. I really wanted to him to know how much I pray for his wellbeing when I knew the news he is in her mom's womb. 

We won't know what will happen in the future. 

No matter how great the machines were built to predict health, it is still being built by men. 

The Creator that built men is The Greatest - He knows!

...

If I never had the chance to talk and play and see how Iean grow, I hope that my children could tell him in person, "Iean, Mama Ain do loves you! Be a good soleh son to your parents, and you'll be just fine, Allahumma ameen"

It's funny how one could miss someone they never met, but it's possible!