I want to give you the world

I received a phone call from Aimar's Head Warden.. historically, when I saw the number, what cross in my mind is 'I hope he didn't get into horrible terrible trouble'..getting into trouble could be big possiblity, so, I pray it's not 'as bad'...

Gosh! I was wrong this time ~ padan muka! Baru dengar kelas Ust Muein, ayat Al-Hujurat 49:12:

يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ ٱجۡتَنِبُواْ كَثِيرٗا مِّنَ ٱلظَّنِّ إِنَّ بَعۡضَ ٱلظَّنِّ إِثۡمٞۖ وَلَا تَجَسَّسُواْ وَلَا يَغۡتَب بَّعۡضُكُم بَعۡضًاۚ أَيُحِبُّ أَحَدُكُمۡ أَن يَأۡكُلَ لَحۡمَ أَخِيهِ مَيۡتٗا فَكَرِهۡتُمُوهُۚ وَٱتَّقُواْ ٱللَّهَۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ تَوَّابٞ رَّحِيمٞ

O you who believe, avoid much of the suspicion, for some suspicions are sin. Do not spy on one another, nor backbite one another. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would surely abhor it. So fear Allah. Indeed, Allah is Accepting of Repentance, Most Merciful. 

I was told that Aimar was down with fever, and Co19 positive..huhuhuh..cry now!

...

I was lucky that nothing bad happened to Aimar.. kesian gak kat dia... honestly, I felt so bad throughout my 21/2 hours drive from KL to Kemaman. Sampai je asrama, tengok dia terjelepok atas lantai bilik quarantine, lagi rasa macam 'alahai anak mama!'

Aimar memang tak selalu sakit ~ tapi, antara tiga beradik, bila bab sakit, dia paling tak kuat.. Aidan salalunye stronger than anyone..tapi, Aivey lagi best ~ I could hardly remember dia sakit.. tetibe sakit, tetibe dah baik.. Alhamdulillah

Aimar, kalau demam, memang meracau.. Dia nampak parrot lah, nampak lanun lah... hahaha ~ banyak tengok Pirate the Carribean kot... 

...

I had to bring him home.. It was a long journey ~ I was tired and sleepy that I slept for good half hour in the car at the RnR Perasing before embarking to KL. Alhamdulillah ~ Aimar slept thru out the journey. I was told that he vomitted once back at school and hadn't had any food since the night before. (We went to McD Kerteh drive-thru before set up to KL)

I was thankful that there were rain here and there, but not as bad as I dreaded of.. alhamdulillah. 

It was only when we reached Karak, that the traffic started to build up and by then, it was nearly maghrib time. Aivey been calling me few times which didn't help my concentration.. A 45-mins (usually) journey extended to 2 hours due to bad traffic... and by the time we reached Tol Gombak, I was drained! 

Ye lah... dari kul 10pagi sampai 9mlm kot kat dlm kete.. it was soooo tiring.. masa tu lah baru nak rindu yang amat sangat dengan En Ashraf..huhuuhuh

Dah sampai rumah, I took my bath, and went to check out on Aimar which I was then told (and smelled and saw) he vomitted in front of the toilet door (sebab Aivey locked the access to toilet from the boys room and he couldn't get to the toilet)...Aimar was so weak then, and I knew I have no choice to clean up his mess.. huhuhuhu... Lama tak cuci muntah anak... hadam je kan lah kan..

He vomitted 4 times that night ~ and I was just tired! 

Of course I was worried for him. 

...

Anyway, all was good the day after. Made him mama's special salmon grilled and he took two pieces and all good.. at least, after nearly 36 hrs of no good food, he managed to makan without throwing out. 

...

But that is not what I want to write today ~ I want to write about how I felt as a mom ~

I am a very 'positive' person, as most people perceived it. And alhamdulillah, I am a good cheerleader & competitive too... I guess, that would be among the major motivations for both Aidan & Aimar to put their best in everything they want to do ~ Mama would love it and would support it. 

Aimar has been telling me he wanted to took part with the sports events which was due this week. Unfortunately, he was among the 6 students diagnosed for Co19 and we accepted it. 

So, no olahraga and bola tampar for him, despite of he'd been putting all time and effort trainings. Huhuhuhu.. I really don't mind him not joining, but I knew he wasn't.. He posted on insta the day he was diagnosed:

and that hurts me so much... though I knew he was ok. I guess, every mom's nature would have mixed feeling of I want you to be healthy and happy ~ it should come together.. but many so often, health are not in sync in happiness.. like these days, when all a mom could wish was her son to be able to run for the sports day for he had been working on it for the past days, been talking about it and all.... 

Kesian anak mama sorang tu.. Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal, we all know that Allah's plan is the best..so, maybe next year, insyaallah. 

...

Update: the writeup were writting a week ago, but I just realized that I haven't posted it out. 

 

Alhamdulillah, Aimar is all good and well ~ he's back in the hostel ~ it just that he was still recovering, low in antibody that he got the flu with 30 others from school but they were all ok, ameen. 

Reassurance

 Subhanallah

I was disturbed since last night ~ perhaps I was just so tired, being stuck in horrible traffic from Karak to Gombak for nearly two and half hours. Ealier today, I decided to write a post in this blog... an 'intimate' emotional blog, a blast from the past ~ I even published the post:

and honestly, I was sooo relieved after I posted it, without any guilt feelings hoarding over me (which usually would happen if I felt guilty being too honest in my blog and end up putting the post back to draft)...

Alhamdulillah ~ and so I thought! I've said it and I knew I've speak 'the truth', truly from my heart. 

Only to be getting a knock, a hard one, on my head, which touched my heart. Alhamdulillah...

...

As I was eating my lunch-or-dinner (could be both), I browsed the FB watch and stumble upon DrMaza clip. I didn;t really listen / watch DrMaza because his clip would normally take more than 5 minutes and if I were to watch more than 5 minutes clip, I need pen and paper!

But, I watched that clip. 

He was telling me about Moses's mom ~ how empty she felt when she let go of her son by the river, not knowing what was going to happen to him! DrMaza recite the verse from the Quran:

[Al-Qasas 28:10]

وَأَصۡبَحَ فُؤَادُ أُمِّ مُوسَىٰ فَٰرِغًاۖ إِن كَادَتۡ لَتُبۡدِي بِهِۦ لَوۡلَآ أَن رَّبَطۡنَا عَلَىٰ قَلۡبِهَا لِتَكُونَ مِنَ ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنِينَ

The heart of Moses’ mother became restless; she was about to disclose it, had We not reassured her heart so that she would maintain her faith [in Allah’s promise].

..which in return, touched my heart!

......

Subhanallah, I am no sane, not as near as pious as Moses's mom...but, by being triggered to listen to that 17 mins clip on FB watch for no reason, is something!

When I was so distressed last night, I asked Allah.. I wasn't asking why people do bad things for I myself did the same. What I don't understand, how could people pretend that nothing had happened after all the torments, the conflicts, the bad accusations and all? How could people thought that the duit raya that they wanted to give to my kids would made up all the time when we were abandoned when we got nothing but You? How could people, you own blood relatives able to give you a cheek-to-cheek hug when they met you because they thought time had heal and you were ok?

I'm not okay. 

I doubt I would ~ but I trust I have Allah to comfort me. 

As a matter of fact, I thank them for they drew me close to Allah. and I never stop praying that Allah brings them closer to Him just like He does to me. 

I am so comfortable with where I am now, that I am worry that I would be abandon for my own mistake taking Allah for granted, na'uzubillah. 

Ya Allah, never ever let me manage myself, not even a split second or in a blink of eyes ~ 

Hasbunallah wa ni'mal wakeel

...

Back to Moses's mom, Al-Qasas 10-13 were verses about a mom's feelings and loves... She was given an ilham to just 'sail' her baby off down the river Nile, and she did it for she was guided. But she's a human, and most importantly, she's a mom. She was worried the instant she did it. Her heart felt empty and she nearly wanted to tell everyone about it. 

Subhanallah, exactly how I felt when I was writing my post yesterday.. I wasn't sure how I felt ~ I was mad, I was tired, I was angry and all sorts... and my mind couldn't shut off from the incidence that happened years ago... I still feel bad, I still feel like an outcast and I know I will still feel it until I heard their explanation of why they did what they did ~ all I ever wanted is to talk, peacefully, and to know the truth from their side of stories.. 

But it seems far. That was why I resorted to just be kind and put it a pause. 

But what a liar I am if I told everyone, I'm ok, I'm fine, we're ok! We are not okay. 

What I've gone thru all by myself, alhamdulillah, my my husband and anak3, was not something ok! It was horrible what they did to me. 

And here I am, was invited to the walimah, something that is obligated on a muslim, their walimah, as if nothing ever happened between us. 

I was invited like I was a distance outsider rather than a girl who grew up with them. 

I was invited formally, kindly and that was it.

Nope, I'm not family ~ I do not have to buy those baby blue theme dress that they are going to where because I'm not part of them. 

I was invited to sit and eat and come with any colour of clothing and leave after I eat. 

I was invited at specific location and time. 

Alhamdulillah.

I am sad, I am mad.

and listening to the clip about Al-Qasas 10-13 is enough. Alhamdulillah. 

It's funny for I never made du'a and asked Allah about how should I reacted on the invite. 

But Allah knows! He knows what is outside, and moreover inside us. 

Allah knows the future just like when He asked Moses mom to do something unthinkable for He knew!

O Allah, help me, Ya Allah. Guide me to the path that You redha. Steer me to your tawfiq, Ya Alah. And never let me manage myself for I am such a fool and I am those who at lost if I was not guided by You, wa a'uzubillah. 

Ya Allah, my nafs still in doubts, lots of doubts, on what should I do ~ but I pray to You, Ya Allah, do reassure my heart just like you did to Moses's mom, so that I would maintain in faith and be Your obedience slave, Ya Allah. 

Ameen Allahumma Ameen.

Why do I need a 2nd degree?

Alhamdulillah, I completed all the five exams for the Semester, in hoping & praying hard that I would still got the chance to proceed to the next semester, on scholarship. 

...

What have I learned so far?

If I were to technically answer that question, I would say, I learned Aqeedah 101, Fiqh 101, Tajweed 101, Arabic 101 and Adaab 101. 

But, I know, I learned more than what those subjects were...indeed.

Alhamdulillah. 

...

As much as I could recall, I remembered each and every sights of the faces thrown to me by my three kids when I told them, "I got a scholarship to learn online."

Aimar asked me, "Doing Masters?"

And so I told him, "Nope. Mama sambung buat 2nd degree, a four year full-time online courses." 

So, Aidan asked me, "2nd degree in?"

"Islamic Studies."

Aivey asked, "and after that?"

"What after that?"

Aidan asked to clarify, "You gonna teach? or what's next?"

...

My kids were totally confused - and I don't blame them. I was them, before. Alhamdulillah. I am blessed with an extra intelligence as compared to my other siblings, and cousins that I got to boarding school and even went to oversea when the economic turned down most of my batchmate dreams and they could just further their degree studies locally instead of going abroad. 

I got a good result for my IB, that I got into one of the good engineering school in the UK, back in 1997.. alhamdulillah... I was offered a place in IC, which would be a dream of most engineering students, but I didn't get the course that I wanted to learn; so, I settled for UMIST.

(and at times me writing this, sadly, there's no more UMIST as it has merged under the University of Manchester wings... so, those who knew, knows!)

...

After finishing school, I got a job as an engineer.. though I was expecting for the bigger player in the industries, I was lucky enough to be employ by a small local company which I adored so much, Alhamdulillah..

In fact, that small local company was the reason I could 'boast' to my kids, "I was in Baghdad as a lady engineer when king Saddam Hussein was still alive and in power and I love Iraq!"

Alhamdulillah

...

Ok, to cut things short, after 14 years working, which i finally settled with working with my 'dream company'... I retired and became a not working mom at home... That was 8 years ago ~ and I still don't consider I'm a full time housewife for I didn't do much of a typical housewife thingy works.. Alhamdulillah... I have the coolest husband for me, Alhamdulillah.

...

So, why do I need to trouble myself to further up my studies when I had it all done back then? What more do I want? 

...

The final exam gave me a nudge! I realized, it wasn't as 'easy' as I thought it would be ~ not the classes, the modules or the lessons... but the learnings. 

I've been a Muslim for the entire 45 years of my life. 

I know my aqeedah is tawheedullah, belief in Allah and The One and Only God, Laailaha illallah. Yet, learning Aqeedah 101 made me realized I didn't have any knowledge of who I'm worshipping.. Astaghfirullah...Most of us got steer away with aqeedah, without know what aqeedah and tawheed are!

Ok, don't let me started with fiqh and the madhabs.. really, there were more than 4 madhabs in the Islamic world? And really, there were times where they were four camps of the major madhabs surrounding the Kaabah so that people can pray according to their madhabs? Really??????

Alhamdulillah.. Arabic is quite easy for me and I guess for most of the students..but wait, why would they even bother to segragate the moon and the sun letter????

I love Tajweed very much! Subhanallah... I always wanted to learn how to read the Quran appropriately. I remembered telling my hubby, I wanted to enrol to Quranic class with a one-to-one ustadhah.... And having Tajweed, at 2:30am on Friday, on weekly basis, with a group 10 under 1 sheikha from Egypt was not something that I could have imagines. Mashaallah. I felt so humbled when I felt the love and mercy of Allah, and still am feeling such humbleness for I don't think I deserve such kindness, Subhanallah. 

Adaab 101? I remembered Aidan tellingme, that must be the easiest subject to score on. Oppss!!!! To everyone surprise, adaab is the most difficult subject to score, for real!!! Don't ask me, but one thing I learned ~ as simple as adaab need more effort than other 'basic' I thought should be!

...

So, as I was doing the exam for the past weeks, I prayed hard. I knew I could not afford to continue the study if I didn't get to continue on the scholarship. And I knew that I wanted to score with flying colours as it was supposed to be 'only the first semester'.

Only to realized, it would be His Mercy if I were to pass and continue on the scholarship. All I need is pray hard after all the effort I've put ~ not for the scholarship, but for the opportunity to learn things that I should learn loong ago, before anything!

...

Yup, when the kids asked me, "why do you need a 2nd degree? why don't you do the MEng instead? are you going to be a lecturer or something? are you going to work again?"

I told them, "I missed the opportunity to know about the wajib stuff I should know when I was younger ~ this is the beauty, Allah gave me the chance now, so that I can share it with you guys, insyaallah. I want to further up my studies so that I know. I want it, for Allah, lillahi!"

May Allah helps me in this path for if not, I'll always be at the losing side. 

Ya Allah, guides me, Ya Allah. 

Amiin allahumma amiin

You on scholarship! wuuhuu!

Alhamdulillah.. 

It's exam week, today till the 14th, insyaallah

...

What exams?

...

Alhamdulillah, early this year, I saw a post in FB. I never saw it before.. but I remember googling for online part time degree for Islamic Studies. 

I was overwhelmed with the Usrah QMap3T online, despite of it opened up my eyes and my heart, giving me nudges on lots of things that I thought I knew but I never knew... It was superbly highly regards and Subhanallah as I'm posting this, I do miss the session!

On the other hand..

I realized that I know soo little about Islam, the religion that I bear witness as my true religion. To me, bearing witness is sufficient that admitting Allah is the One and Only Robb and only Him that I worshipped, and the Prophet SAW is His messenger. 

Yet, as I've been given the rizq, Alhamdulillah, to learn more about the Quranic verse from the QMap3T sessions, I realized that there's a lot more I need to know. The basic of the shahadah. 

I realized that, I may know the meaning for some words, some the grammar of the Quran, and how to tadabbur those verses... but I realized that my Quran reading is still not at par as I should have gained! I need to do more.. I need to be better for my own good... and I need to know Islam. It is not fair for myself to bear witness that Islam is my true religion when I myself don't know everything about Islam. 

May Allah permits me to have the knowledge of everything a muslim should have, amiiin. 

...

I was looking for teacher to teach me Quran, and I was googling for the basic Islamic Studies online as well... 

That was when I stumbled upon the Knowledge International Online University. They were offering scholarships  for 50 students globally to proceed with BA in Islamic Studies, a full-time 100% online degree of 4 years. 

The requirement is to sit for the assessment and excelled. 

...

I tried my luck. 

When they announced the result, I checked my email and didn't received anything, so I knew I wasn't the top 50 students. 

It was a week before they started their official semester 1 class that I was approached by Bro Noor asking if I would like to take up the scholarship offer or not. 

Subhanallah, less that I knew I was shortlisted and I overlooked in the email that came in two days after the result was announced. 

Alhamdulillah..

...

Now that I was offered a place, I was sceptical. 

The scholarship cost USD945 per semester, but I need to make USD25 as a registration fees. 

I don't mind with the payment, but looking at the KIU profile, being backed by the Imam of Mekah, having great scholars like Dr Bilal, Sy Sajjid and many more in their team, I was sceptical. 

It is an online university platform based in Riyadh. 

I'm not sure if this is real, I should take up the offer or let it be.

I even did istikharah to ensure that Allah made it easy for me to decide should I proceed or not. 

...

Alhamdulillah...

When we joined the WhatsApp group, I saw one number from Malaysia and I reconnect with her directly. Alhamdulillah... A girl from Damansara (and I'm so blessed that we crossed path!)

I'll talked about the others in my next posting, Insyaallah. 

...

As for now, 

I'll skipped everything as I need to start my revision on Tajweed. 

Completed the Aqidah paper earlier, Alhamdulillah...

Break jap!

What more do I need?

 Allahuakbar..

Allah has been so kind to me! Subhanallah.... 

Honestly, at writing this post, I've got so many things on my plates: I got the Teachers' Day thingy I should be doing, I got to study for the revision, and I haven't got time for Quran myself ~

Huhuhu.. That what I thought!

Subhanallah, less that I know how kind Allah has been to me all along. 

...

I was telling Laili how much I missed spending time with the Quran. I haven't got any after I took up the KIU offer...

Laili told me, "make doa, ask for Allah to bless your time in whatever you do!"

and that's how Allah has been kind to me. That's how Allah answered my worries and queries. Just a simple as that!

Alhamdulillah...

....

I wanted to share my KIU journey..but I guess it's too early to talk about it. Just know, it has been a struggle now that I'm in the first semester, learning online full time. 

Ya Allah, You didn't let me into this without purpose! 

رَبَّنَا مَا خَلَقۡتَ هَٰذَا بَٰطِلٗا سُبۡحَٰنَكَ فَقِنَا عَذَابَ ٱلنَّارِ

Our Lord, you have not created all this in vain. Glory be to You. Protect us from the punishment of the Fire. [Ali Imran 3:191]

While I'm overwhelmed with everything Allah has bestowed upon me, Alhamdulillah, I started asking myself... what more do I need when Allah gives me what I want?? 

Subhanallah... Allah never want any favour from us, yet, the favours is for us to use it wisely, for your end life ~ Subhanallah... 

Have we been His slave as we should?

For, even we haven't, He doesn't loss anything - it's our lost!

...

Alhamdulillah

Thank you Allah

Exclusively Excluded

When I put the intention to start writing again, I hope that I could put down wise words for my children to read when I am invalid and gone. 

I wish to write down about them - but then, I hardly have anything so strong that urge me to write down - perhaps I don't want to write things that I'm sure that it was unsure and if I were to write it down, i'd do more damaged that it has already done... like the story about Aimar, being denied from outings when all his friends were allowed to - it wasn't because the warden was being unfair, but it was his own mistake that the privilege had been taken away from him..... i don't have any intention to share it here or elsewhere about it - rest assured, things are back on feet, he's okay and he has always been in mama's prayer, insyaallah. 

Only today, during lunch with my parents, I felt a bit 'touched' and emotional. My mom wanted to go to the textile shop after the lunch. She would go there if there were event she is planning to go. 

'Nak cari kain nikah Ika.'

And that was it - that answer left me mute. 

It has been more than 5 years that we had the disagreement between the clan and myself. Actually, it might be less than or more than 5 years, honestly, I lost count of the days... as I always felt that it was just like yesterday and it still hurt, no matter how much I deny it. 

I know I did my part, my best part as what Allah said in the Quran, just like how the Prophet SAW been teaching - I did my part, alhamdulillah. 

It just that, it felt sad when things were not like it used to be. I'm sure I would be super busy if we were like we used to be. 

Alhamdulillah, I am super busy now. And I'm glad that I'm busy preparing my final semester assignments for the Islamic Studies degree I'm pursuing online.. I'll talk about it in my future posting, Insyaallah. 

I have no issue for not being invited to be part of them, wearing matching dresses and even invited to the wedding. Alhamdulillah. I really don't. 

But I'm not gonna lie, at time of writing this, I just feel like I'm missing something - and it just feel so horrible. 

...

My dear children, 

Don't ever do that to anybody! Nobody deserves to be excluded from anything. It wasn't the feeling of being forgotten that made you emotional; but the feeling of being forgotten by someone you can't forget for they were so closed to you that was horrifying. 

So, remember dear children of mine, 

Remember the feeling being excluded so that you'd remember to include everyone, no matter who they are. You never know, and you don't have to know, how significantly great that act could be to a person. 

If you'd forgotten, remember those days when out of blue, during our prayers, you'd see me crying and I'd just stay in the room... Those were the days I missed them the most... and I'm grateful that myd ear husband has always been supportive and understanding with my conditions. Alhamdulillah. 

Yup, once a while, I miss them, and I just want to cry. 

As Laili would say, Allah musta'an, amiin

I know this is what Allah has planned for us, and definitely the best, Alhamdulillah. 

When you just lose it

 I've been strong for so loooonnngggg

...

For the past two days, I've been at my best to be strong and stay strong - this fajr, I was defeated. It's not fair! It's pretty much not fair! 

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal, All praise to Allah over every single things that happened. 

What she did to me is 'unfair'... as much as I wanted to stand firm for my ego, I would felt guilty - honestly, it wasn't that I was missing her or any of them. Wallahi, it's what Allah's concern - everytime I felt like I didn't do much to mend the broken silaturrahim, would be that day I would go to the IG and FB and stalked her. I lose it when I started texted her, and trust me, I wasn't expecting any reply for alhamdulillah, I knew that I was just preparing on The Meeting Day when I will be asked what I did and know that I did what I did, alhamdulillah. 

Yet, syaitan will never fail to mock and tease me. That was when my messages were neither being replied nor with just an 'ok'... The feeling of being mad, being low, being angry would triggered right away. 

...

So, all this while, I would have Abang around for raya - I guess, that's why I wasn't worry much about the soalan, raya mana tahun ni? Home is where the heart is, and I have my heart with me. So, I was ok. 

But not this raya. I was with the kids minus Abang. Our morning raya, after the prayers - was to go to Atok's only to find out they were out to Kg Baru... 

Kg Baru used to be my playground, but the last time I went there, back in 2018 (maybe), I was told to leave and never to come there - "ko pergi, pergi dari rumah ni, jangan datang-datang!"... and it always feel awkward whenever I came around after that - it has become just like many other house, strangers house; not where I was raised by. 

Nenek, Ain rindu. Ain rindu sesangat... 

Nenek, doa Ain nak mati macam nenek, mati dalam rumah Allah, dalam solat, dengan aurat terjaga rapi. Amiin. 

Nenek, Ain nak jumpe nenek kat syurga nanti, Amiin..

So, Atok wasn't home and the kids were hungry, so, we decided to have breakfast at the Pavilion - with those early visitors who weren't celebrating raya... Yup, our ketupat rendangs that morning of the Raya 1443H was Dome Chicken Pie, Pancakes, Fish & Chips and Spicy Chicken Wings, alhamdulillah. 

...

I've been staying strong on the day of raya and yesterday - it just that, this morning, I broke down!