Uncle Bird

I missed Unc Bird ~ knowing I will never had the chance to talk to him ever, until we meet again in Jannah, inshaallah, allahumma ameen.. 
I miss him. 
I'm just lost for words. 
It has been  11 days today .. 
I am still lost in words

Allahumaghfirlahu warhamhu wa'afihi wa'fuanhu

Peri-menopause

I'm wondering if men would have the same pre-menopause symptoms like we women have. 
It's unbelievably out-of-this-world symptoms I would say. 
I am struggling ~ and not sure when it will end. 
Rozi told me, it might took a year two... o mai!

...

The menses are unpredictable. Kadang datang cepat, kadang senyap tetibe. Kadang banyak, kadang malu-malu. Gosh.. I'm not complaining. 

And the headache and backache would accompany them. 

Lepas tu, the new symptons I'm getting now is tak boleh tido.. melampau-lampau takleh tido, and also kepanasan bagai nak rak.. 

Hot flash or hot flush, whatever they would call it, is real!

Subhanallah... I would blame the hot weather for me feeling hot.. yet, during the cold days, the feeling of sangat panas, burning, is there to stay.. so, proven, it's not the weather! it's me!!!

huhuhuhuh

...

I had my menses quite late as compared as my other friends. I was 15, if I wasn't mistaken. 

So, I'm not surprised if Aivey still not getting it at the age of 13 while many of her friends had had their menses. 

Due to that, I'm not expecting the symptom of perimenopause at the early age of 47yo! Yo!!!.. not until I'm 50. At least, that's what I thought it 'should' be.. 

wallahu'alam ~ Allah knows best. 

Subhanallah.. the sign that we don't belong to ourselves.. even the blood circulating in our body is not within our control. 

Subhanallah... 

Indeed, to Him we belong. 

So, what makes us disobey Him?

No more "because I say so"

A friend did asked me if I would allow Aivey to wear nail polish, if she felt like it. Aivey was only 6 at that time.. I couldn't give an answer to her immediately, which then I said, "maybe not."
And she asked me more, "why don't you? you could wear it, why couldn't she?"

.

.

.

agghh... it's not fair!

...

Parenting is never easy. As time passes by, we as parents who had gone so much, did so many mistakes, and witnessed the wisdom of being wiser from the foolishness of our past, we just want to prepare the best life hack, life short-cuts to our children... 

So, yes, I did wear nail polish when I was young.. why must I allow Aivey to wear it, and she'll get comfortable with it, and would think she need it rather just for the fun of it... then, she would learn to make her prayers, and would spend time cleaning out the nail polish and in times, as she gets too comfortable with the nail polish, she might even opt not to pray for that would be a easier (rather than better) option... O no!! Of course I would not want Aivey to go up to that hell... it's devastating!!

...

What I'm telling is that, I have done so many mistakes in my past. If I could, I wouldn't want to make such mistakes. But we all know it's impossible. 

Now that I have children of my own, I just don't want them to walk that mistakes path of mine... I couldn't bear it! Na'udzubillah.... 

When Aidan, Aimar, Aivey were just babies, toddlers, tweens and pre-teens, it's easier for me to be authoritative over them. 'Because U said so.' 'Because I'm your mom..' and all those no-negotiations mumsy orders... 

And time passes.. the boys and Aivey are growing up, venturing their own lives and wanting to have their own options of experiences... 
I wish I could say No ~ but the choice is all up to them. 
They could even hide it from me, if they knew I would not approved it. And I don't want them to hide it. I want them to be frank, open up and tell no lies but truth. So, I won't deny their choice, be it a bad choice in my view and opinions (and experience)... but as long as the choice they picked don't deviate from what Islam is teaching and rulings... I would need to learn to respect it. 

I guess, when our kids are growing bigger, and older, our reliance in Allah Al-Hafidz, As-Somad is soo much much much more greater and stronger than we could have imagine. 

Fallahu khayran hafidzan, wa hua arham ar-rahimiin. 

Ya Allah, keep them close to You, Ya Allah. and let them be put You closest in them. Ameen. 

For now, I'd say the same ~ observe your salah, don't miss it at all... leave what is haram, and do what is pleasing to Allah. 

May Aidan Aimar Aivey always be in His guidance, Allahumma ameen. 

For He is The Most Merciful.

I need to change the tonation of my blog. 
I definitely need to! It's do or die. 
...

I was sick for the past three days. It was 'weird' sick, I would say. I thought it was my vertigo.. then, my buzzing ears were not coorperating, and the buzzing got louder and louder to some extent I felt pain and it was hurting my ears, my left ears in particular. 

My husband and Aivey tried to talked me down. But I was losing my patience. Not that I could hear myself back. That was normal. But what made it worse was that I could here me echoing myself, and I could here the echo of the echo back at me. It was like three layers of hearing repeating stuff that I'd uttered out of my mouth and it was so hurtful. It was literally hurt my hearing. I just don't know how to describe it. 

In the last few months, I had another symptoms (maybe because of my lack of thyroxine), that my jaw would locked by itself, especially when it was cold surrounding me, and when I was so tired.. yup, tired from doing things, and to some extent, tired from talking. 

It seems funny to some, but I remember crying for it is no matter of laughing business. It is surreal. 

And so, with my vertigo on, my hear buzzed like nobody's business that it hurts my ears, my jaw locked, no surprise that my blood pressure increased significantly... 130/90, 140/100.. and so on and so on.. It just, I don't know what to do. I was so weak, and I was all by myself, alone. I don't want to let my parents worried over me, so, I was trying to act I was ok when Abah dropped by to send me some food, twice. Other time, I told them I had grabbed my food. Honestly, I didn't. I didn't even have the energy to eat. 

What worries me is that I couldn't concentrate in my prayers. It broke me to tears. 

I remembered one of the salah, I was trying hard to stand firm despite of the vertigo, and wanting to recite the Al-Fatihah, of which I failed. My jaw was locked, my ears were buzzing and all I can do was breath and cried. I cried. I cried. and I cried. I didn't stop my salah immediately. I was saying in my prayers, O Allah, help me for I don't know anything bigger than Your help. Allow me to worship you till my last breath, Ya Allah. I've been sinning, I've been abandoning my ibadah all this while. Just let me worship you in any ways before I leave this world. 

Subhanallah, in a split second, I heard silence in my ears, and I could recite the makhraj in al-Fatihah as it is. Subhanallah. That wasn't me. It wasn't me being pious or whatsoever. It was Allah's miracles. It was Allah's mercy. Allhamdulillahi rabb al-alamiin. 

In a split second, there gone my locked jaw, my vertigo, my buzzing ears.. at least for the good 10 minutes, when I had that fard prayer. Alhamdulillah. 

The moment I said my salam, it goes back to the sick me. Alhamdulillah. It was tiring and weakening, but, alhamdulillah.. it was such a blessing to know I am not all alone. 

Oh Allah, forgives all my sins, Ya Allah. 

Excluded

 In times, I learn that being inclusive does not matter ~ what matter is who would want to include you and who won't. Alhamdulillah. 

I have so many weaknesses and I doubt that I have any good deeds left if I don't repent. What scares me is if I have no good deeds to present during The Day and there were loads of sins on my back, waiyyazubillah. 

And that thoughts give me help to just let go. 

...

There post of people bidding farewell the their 'significant' figures, and I know I shouldn't have watched it. Alhamdulillah, I did and of course I was teary, feeling being excluded, as usual.. It has been years.. gonna be 7 years and counting. 

I don't care about them. Honestly, I don't. 

I was more worried of I really thought I'm in the right, but apparently I will be presented of how wrong I was. Na'udzubillah. 

WIth that thoughts in mind, I seek Your Forgiveness Ya Allah. And I seek forgiveness for those who have the rights on me, so that they may forgive me as much as I forgive those whom I have rights upon. 

Ya Allah, all that I want is to be free sin. 

Astagfirullah Ya Allah. 

...

So, it's ok if they want to include me. If it was my faults, I hope Allah forgives all their sins and may they don't claim any redemptions from me Ya Allah. And should it be their faults, I forgive them, Ya Allah.. I forgive them so that people who I have sinned would forgive me too. 

Ya Allah, one prayer that I wish would be fulfilled, guide them Ya Allah. 

Susahnya nak bersangka baik

"Ma, kenapa diorang masih ingat kita miskin Ma?"
"Dosa ke jadi miskin, Ma?"
"Masa hulur duit tadi, cepat-cepat diorang pesan, 'simpan jangan kasi Mama nampak. nanti Mama nampak, dia tak kasik amik."
...

Korang, berhentilah sangka buruk kat kami, especially kat diri saya dan suami saya. 

Kami anak-beranak okay-okay, Alhamdulillah. 

Kami tak mahu duit korang, bukan sebab kami tolak rezeki. 

Subhanallah, rezeki kami tak pernah putus. 

Cukup! 

Kalaulah korang tau, rezeki cukup itulah yang terpaling kaya. Alhamdulillah. 

Takpe lah kami takde dua tiga rumah

Takpe lah kami takde dua tiga kereta

Takpe lah kami pakai kereta Jepun, bukan kereta Continental

Takpelah.. 

Kami cukup dah. 

Kami takmo lebih. 

Ada lebih, kami nak bagi orang susah. 

Kalau korang ada duit lebih, jangan cari kami. 

Kami tak susah. 

Tolong bagi pada yang hak. 

Ada anak orang susah nak sambung belajar, berkira-kira wang muka nak masuk belajar. 

Ada anak yatim, ibu tunggal dok berkira-kira catu barang dapur. 

Ada sedara korang, darah daging korang, kais pagi makan pagi demi mencukupkan rezeki. 

Bantulah orang yang memerlukan tu. 

Hampir 7 tahun kami tak kebulur dek tak de rezeki korang kongsi dengan kami. 

Alhamdulillah. 

Kami takkan ungkit. 

Kami sungguh tak berharap. 

Tapi, tolong saya. 

Tolonglah jangan buat anak-anak saya rasa macam mana korang buat mama diorang rasa. 

Tolong. 

Saya mohon. 

Tolong

Mana kamu?

How did Yusuf A.S. do it? How could he utter 'laa tasrib' to those who dumped him in that well, left him alone in the dessert and they even sold him at low price to the Bedouin as if he has no values at all? How did he do it?

I wish I have the strength. I pray Allah gives me strength. I used to be strong and I am still strong ~ yet, when being confronted with this feelings, I just lose it all. 

How could I act as if everything ok when everything is not ok? How can I fake it? How can I forgive and forget what had happened to me and my family. When I said family, I meant MY family, me myself, my dear husband, my beloved children Aidan, Aimar and Aivey. 

We were struggling when my husband lost his job. We literally has no income, and all we know we have is Allah SWT. Alhamdulillah. 

Of course, I am all grateful for my brother-in-law, Wan and his wife, CT... we owed it to them. And my sis-in-law, Kak Ani. They were our source of income back then. Satu sen pun tak berkira. They give and give and give. 4 years without a job. It's not easy! We had to make big decisions for the kids. Aidan was struggling adapting hostel life, and so did Aimar. Aivey sacrificed and had to opt for homeschooling, like it or not. Alhamdulillah.... They were so many beautiful people supporting us. Au, Rozi, K Has, Shaz, Khairani... and even Eman... those are among the few that never stop extending financial aids and du'a to us. We can never repay them. Ya Allah, please grant them a place in Jannah for they have help a struggle family. 

But, my other sibling never came to rescue. Yes, she bought nearly half a million condo, she bought a comfy Volvo SUV, but she didn't bother asking for our wellbeing. I wasn't blaming her. I was at wrong myself. Might be my ego tor hers that broke us apart. I was angry at her and so did she. It was nobody's fault. It was shaytan. We were two losers who listened to the devil's whisperers and lost it. 

Alhamdulillah, things getting better and better. I'm happy for her and her children. I'm truly am. She never seek forgiveness from her, and I knew I did via text and email, but I never get any reply from her where she has forgiven me or not. Yet, things are getting better, though a bit awkward. 

I don't want to hate her. I regret thinking back of what I did wrong. I didn't blame her 100%.. I was partly to be blame. 

But today, I'm just as hurtful as I felt few years ago. Those years when Aidan was in Alor Gajah, and she was in the area for her in-laws are there, and she never care to visit Aidan. Aidan did asked me when he was in Form 1, "why didn't they come by and say hi? Aren't they are around the area?" I shut Aidan off. I don't have an answer... but it's so difficult for me to forget that question. 

This morning, my parents were telling me, she wanted to buy a pair of shoes for Aidan so that Aidan could wear it when he depart for Marseille. I am not comfortable with that idea. Definitely not!! 

I know, I shouldn't feel such way. Shame on me! I failed me!!! 

But why? why now? where were they when we really need the support? where were they when I have RM0 literally in my account and has nowhere to go but stay at home, inventing activities with my kids, hoping they would be as happy as others for their holidays would just be on the car porsh, the toilet and the balcony. Where were they????
Astaghfirullah al-azeem. 

Ya Allah, forgive us, Ya Allah. Forgive me Ya Allah

Bila datang rindu..

Lama tak hantar postings dalam blog ni.. 

Nak kurang-kurang melagha sebenarnya... leka bila login kat blogpost yang satu ni. 

Been updating my other blog lately, sharing knowledge I learned online.. moga menjadi sedekah jari'ah.. istiqomah ikhlas lillahita'ala. 

Allahumma ameen.

...

Diam tak diam, banyak benda jadi. 

Alhamdulillah. 

Kalau takde aral melintang, Inshaallah, Aidan will be leaving for France hujung August ni. 

Mama macam caya tak caya je.. 

Honestly, I am more worried than I thought I would be. 

Ya Allah, sesungguhnya Engkau sebaik-baik Penjaga.. 

Moga Aidan Istiqomah jaga Allah, sebab bila jaga Allah, akan terjaga semuanya. InsyaAllah. 

Aimar dah nak SPM .. Bulan 10 ni, kalut nak trial. 

Aivey is still adapting kat MRSM. Dok kalut mengantuk.. Allahu musta'an. 

Ya Allah, fallahu khayran hafidzan... jaga Aidan, Aimar, Aivey Ya Allah. 

Jujur, I really thought I'd be fine for they are all grown up and they'll manage to be away from home. 

Bila orang tanya, "akak ok ke anak2 takde ni?"

I told them, "alhamdulillah.. ok je. banyak benda lain dok perisi masa."

Tapi, bila time gelap-gelap, seseorang kat rumah, mula jiwa kacau, mula risau apa khabar anak-anak di merata ceruk rantau. 

Fallahu khayran hafidzan. 

Lama sungguh Nabi Yaakob tahan rindu kat Nabi Yusuf waktu hilangnya anak dia tu. 

Fallahu khayran hafidzan, wa hua arhama rahimiin.. Itu doa dia. 

Sungguh. Allah sebaik-baik Penjaga, Maha Pengasih, Maha Penyayang. 

Aidan, Aimar, Aivey.. 

Mama tak ok bila syaitan cucuk jarum, "anak-anak ko ni Ain boleh ke jaga iman diorang jejauh dari ko tu? tertutup ke aurat dia? betul khusyuk ke solat dia? sungguh ke dia jaga mulut dan hati dia?"

Allahu Akbar.. time tu lah paling kuat nak cari tepon nak tanya sorang2..."solat dah? ngaji tak? tak yah ngata orang lah... takde paedahnya."

Alhamdulillah... rasa macam nak, tapi tak buat... cumanya, time tu lah paling cepat telefon talian hayat.. doa doa doa.. 

I guess, the doctrin saying bila jauh, masing2 lupa dah tak applicable lagi..

Alhamdulillah, bila dah jauh, makin kuat bergantungnya kita pada Allah As-Somad.. 

Moga anak-anak juga tak putus bergantung pada Allah As-Somad. 

Allahu musta'an

xx

mama rindu anak3

Preserving One's Tongue

 

Don't lie! I'm sure that in life, there are moments where you'd think, "I wish I could take back my words!"

Words have such a great impact in our action: we might say a single word or phrase that might ruins our life and destroys our prospects for success. Nevertheless, we might also say a single word or phrase which is so meaningful in a positive sense that touches a person's heart for good. 

How many times in life that we've come across the "I wish I didn't say those words!"

Yet, we did

...

Please don't justify ourselves by saying, "Mulut aku ni memang puaka, tapi hati aku baik. I meant well!". Please don't blame the tongue when we are the one who should take the blame for not being mindful of the words we say.

Do know that the tongue is the interpreter of one's heart. When one assigns responsibility to the tongue, speaking figuratively, is in fact assigning responsibility to the heart that would triggers one's actions on the external side of one's body. 

Al-Maidanee said, "A man's worth is know by two very small of his body: his heart and his tongue."

...

Allah says in surah Qaaf, verses 16 till 18  [QS 50:16-18] , 

وَلَقَدۡ خَلَقۡنَا ٱلۡإِنسَٰنَ وَنَعۡلَمُ مَا تُوَسۡوِسُ بِهِۦ نَفۡسُهُۥۖ وَنَحۡنُ أَقۡرَبُ إِلَيۡهِ مِنۡ حَبۡلِ ٱلۡوَرِيدِ (16) إِذۡ يَتَلَقَّى ٱلۡمُتَلَقِّيَانِ عَنِ ٱلۡيَمِينِ وَعَنِ ٱلشِّمَالِ قَعِيدٞ (17) مَّا يَلۡفِظُ مِن قَوۡلٍ إِلَّا لَدَيۡهِ رَقِيبٌ عَتِيدٞ (18)

We have created man and know what his soul whispers within him, for We are closer to him than his jugular vein. When the two angel scribes, constantly accompanying him, one on the right, and the other on the left. Not a single word he utters but there is with him a vigilant watcher, ready (to record it) [QS 50:16-18]

...

Let us be mindful with our words. 

Let us be reminded how ruin our life could be with just ONE word that we've used without contemplating. 

Just ONE word that might ruin and destroy our life and our prospect for success, be it in this world, moreover, the Hereafter. 

Be caution with our words.  

The wounds of a sword may heal one day ; The wounds of the tongue, they never may.

...

Think twice, thrice and more if you have to before you regret sayings words you shouldn't say.  

If we were to utter anything, let it be a meaningful and beneficial word that would give a positive sense so that we be among the slaves of Allah who He raises by many degrees, amiin.

...

'Adala

 While studying my fiqh subject for tomorrow's final, I read upon this

".. 

..."

And wanted to keep this post here for reminder untuk anak-anak bujang mama yang bakal jadi suami nanti. Be just! Berdosa kalau tak do just to your wife.. and to be just is not easy! It's just being fair or just fulfilling obligations... it's more than one can think of! 

Get it prepared before you are thinking of getting married. Will be able to be just to my wife? Will I even able to be just myself? 
...
Nah sharing direct verses in the Quran about marriage

The Quran discusses marriage in several verses, providing guidance and principles for marital relationships. Here are some of the key verses that directly address marriage:

Surah An-Nisa (4:1): This verse emphasizes the importance of family ties and the creation of spouses from a single soul.

"O mankind, fear your Lord, who created you from one soul and created from it its mate and dispersed from both of them many men and women. And fear Allah, through whom you ask one another, and the wombs. Indeed, Allah is ever, over you, an Observer."

Surah An-Nisa (4:3): This verse discusses the permissibility and conditions of polygamy.

"And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice]."

Surah Ar-Rum (30:21): This verse highlights the purpose and beauty of marriage.

"And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought."

Surah An-Nur (24:32): This verse encourages marriage and assures that Allah will provide for those who marry.

"And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty. And Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing."

Surah Al-Baqarah (2:221): This verse advises against marrying polytheists.

"And do not marry polytheistic women until they believe. And a believing slave woman is better than a polytheist, even though she might please you. And do not marry polytheistic men [to your women] until they believe. And a believing slave is better than a polytheist, even though he might please you. Those invite [you] to the Fire, but Allah invites to Paradise and to forgiveness, by His permission. And He makes clear His verses to the people that perhaps they may remember."

Surah Al-Baqarah (2:232): This verse addresses the issue of divorced women and their rights to remarry.

"And when you divorce women and they have [nearly] fulfilled their term, do not prevent them from remarrying their [former] husbands if they agree among themselves on an acceptable basis. That is instructed to whoever of you believes in Allah and the Last Day. That is better for you and purer, and Allah knows and you know not."

These verses provide a framework for understanding the Islamic perspective on marriage, emphasizing the importance of justice, mercy, affection, and the mutual rights and responsibilities of spouses.

Qana'ah, to be content

This sem, KIU put tazkiyah an-nafs as part of sem 5 syllabus. 

Banyak benda tazkiyah an-nafs ni yang kita rasa kita tahu, tapi sebenarnya banyak lagi yang kita tak tahu. 

Kita tahu kita kena rasa content (cukup), kita kena sabar dan jangan bersedih. 

Tapi kita pun tahu benda tu tak mudah.. 

Nak rasa cukup.. peghh... kita dok nak lebih nak lebih nak lebih, tak pernah rasa cukup. 

Tak mudah nak rasa cukup. 

Qana'ah, قناعة, being content, strongly rooted from the pillars of eeman, believing in qadaa' and qadr Allah.

It revolves around few aspects: 

1. Gratitude and Appreciation: recognizing and being thankful for the blessings one already possesses. 

 وَإِذْ تَأَذَّنَ رَبُّكُمْ لَئِن شَكَرْتُمْ لَأَزِيدَنَّكُمْ وَلَئِن كَفَرْتُمْ إِنَّ عَذَابِي لَشَدِيدٌ

"And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, 'If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.'"[Ibrahim14:7]

2. Moderation and Simplicity: Embracing a simple lifestyle and avoiding excessive desires and materialism 

وَالَّذِينَ إِذَا أَنفَقُوا لَمْ يُسْرِفُوا وَلَمْ يَقْتُرُوا وَكَانَ بَيْنَ ذَٰلِكَ قَوَامًا

"And [they are] those who, when they spend, do so not excessively or sparingly but are ever, between that, [justly] moderate." [Al-Furqan 25:67]

3. Inner Peace: reducing anxiety and stress related to material pursuits and comparisons with others.

Rasulullah SAW said, "He has succeeded who has accepted Islam, who has been provided with sufficient for his wants, and whom Allah has made content with what He has given him." [ Sahih Muslim]

4. Trust in Divine Provision: connected with Tawakkul (trust in God). 

قُل لَّن يُصِيبَنَا إِلَّا مَا كَتَبَ اللَّهُ لَنَا هُوَ مَوْلَانَا وَعَلَى اللَّهِ فَلْيَتَوَكَّلِ الْمُؤْمِنُونَ

"Say, 'Never will we be struck except by what Allah has decreed for us; He is our protector.' And upon Allah let the believers rely." [At-Tawbah 9:51]

5. Self-Control and Discipline: requires self-discipline to control desires and avoid being swayed by societal pressures or consumerism.

فَمَا أُوتِيتُم مِّن شَيْءٍ فَمَتَاعُ الْحَيَاةِ الدُّنْيَا ۖ وَمَا عِندَ اللَّهِ خَيْرٌ وَأَبْقَىٰ لِلَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَلَىٰ رَبِّهِمْ يَتَوَكَّلُونَ

"So whatever thing you have been given - it is [but] for enjoyment of the worldly life. But what is with Allah is better and more lasting for those who have believed and upon their Lord rely." [Ash-Shura 42:36]

...

Nak rasa cukup ni tak mudah ~ especially untuk anak muda yang masih belum puas nak hidup.. rasa semua tak dapat lagi... rasa semua belum ada lagi... 

Untuk anak-anak mama, mama pesan, kita pernah takde benda, 4 tahun apa takde income, yet, we survived. If you guys forgotten about that time, let me remind you again and again.. it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy. Alhamdulillah, nasib baik adik-beradik aboh ada, nasib baik kekawan mama cakna. Mashaallah, tak pernah kita rasa tak cukup waktu. 

Rasa cukup ni, bukan lah bermakna kita tinggal dunia, tak perlu usaha untuk rezeki. Usaha itu masih kena usaha. Cita-cita itu mesti mau ada. Ikatkan balik cita-cita dan harapan itu pada Allah. Bukan pada dunia.... as simple as ko nak gi cari ilmu... 'ya allah, aku nak gi belajar, nak dapat good income, good life, untuk Engkau Ya Allah, untuk hidup beribadah mengabdikan diri padaMu, untuk bantu ummah, untuk Islam. cukupkanlah aku, Ya Allah.'

Niat, usaha, eeman, yakin, tawakkal. 

Cukup. 

Rasulullah SAW said, "Richness is not having many possessions, but richness is being content with oneself."

Sakit putus cinta

Sambung citer pasal cinta.. 
...

Puppy love, cinta monyet and all sorts.. labellah apa pun nak label. 

At this age, somehow I am still 'blushing' thinking about it. 

Cinta tu best! Masa courting time waktu bercinta tu lagi-lagi best... 

Dulu, memang tak paham konsep halal haram syaitan sunnah semua ni... Tahu, tapi tak mahu faham. Main terjah je ikut nafsu. 

Aidan pernah jatuh cinta... Mama tahu pun secara tak sengaja. Rasa nak dekat SPM kot baru bercinta... bila naik form 5. Tapi, lepas tu, masa amik result SPM, keadaan not as per planned.. Ada konflik, ada disagreement yang masing-masing hard-headed, takleh nak resolved  and it came to its end. 

Mama takmo komen panjang, takmo citer panjang... mama pick-up mana yang mama nampak dan 'rasa'. Kalau salah nampak and rasa mama, salah lah. 

Mama tak tahu citer belah pompuan ~ tapi Mama tengok bila Aidan sedih, mama jadi sedih. Perit bila putus cinta. Tambah-tambah bila ko rasa memang ko betul-betul sayang kat org tu.. bila ko rasa takde orang lain dah boleh bagi ko rasa cinta macam yang dia bagi.. Bila putus cinta, tak kisahlah for whatever reason, ko yang putuskan ke, dia yang mintak putus ke... tapi confirm ko sedih sebab ko sayang. 

Yup, ko akan move on. Ko mungkin akan balik semula pada dia. Atau kau mungkin akan jumpa lain... yang kau akan jumpa, mungkin itu jodoh kekal ko.. atau mungkin juga kau akan disakiti dan terus mencari cinta. 

Nak citer pasa putus cinter, not in this post. 

This time, Mama nak citer wearing my Mama's hat. Honestly, I just wished I could hug Aidan knowing that he is in pain sebab sakit putus cinta. Dengar lagi listing spotify dia.. "Jika kau bercinta lagi...." alahai... terus Mama cakap dalam hati, "AbgDan, mama know you are strong. But Mama also wants you to know, sometimes, all you have to do is cry it out loud!"

Dulu, masa kat primary, waktu Daniel and Siddiq lebih rapat dengan Aisar sampai tak baper nak geng ngan Aidan, Aidan sedih, Aidan nangis tepi longkang waktu sampai kat kete.. Mama tanya, "naper, bang?"... Aidan cakap, "Aidan sendiri tak tahu. Aidan sedih je sebab orang ignore Aidan."

Waktu tu, mama cakap, "nangis lah bang. lepas ni, you'll do good. takpe lah diorang ignore Aidan ke or not. ada kawan lain boleh kawan aidan gak. nanti-nanti diorang kawan gak ngan Aidan. just keep on being good to everyone."

And so, now, though it involves girl, a special girl that you were smitten by.. Mama nak pesan yang sama... nangis lah bang. lepas ni, AbgDan will do good. AbgDan mungkin akan jumpa balik dia, baik balik dengan dia, sambing balik cinta yang terputus. Atau AbgDan memang mungkin tak terus contact dia, tak tahu apa citer dia... masa tu, biarkan lah dia. tak yah kejar dah bang. Takmo nanti, AbgDan sendiri yang terluka sampai bila-bila. Hati yang dah luka tu, cepat-cepat sembuhkan. AbgDan nak jaan jauh lagi, nak jumpa ramai lagi orang, Inshaallah.. kalau tak masa kat university nanti, masa kerja pun akan jumpa ramai lagi manusia. 

Jodoh tu AbgDan, bukan kita tentukan. Semua dah Allah qadrkan. Kita kena selalu doa.. semoga dapat jodoh yang baik-baik.. dapat orang yang betul-betul cinta kita, kerana Allah Ta'ala. Cinta adanya kita atas segala apa yang Allah bagi kat kita, takdirkan untuk kita. Cintalah dia yang cinta Allah lebih dari segalanya. 

Mama takkan putus doa untuk anak-anak... semoga kalian bertemu cinta bahagia yang akan bawak kalian kumpul ramai-ramai di Jannah. Allahumma ameen. 

Tudung terbakar

Aivey baru lepas call kejap ni ~ menangis. 

Dia sedih... 

She said she tripped and hurt her kaki, and she was limping as she was on her way to iron her tudung. 
"Saya nak pakai tudung baru untuk celebration raya esok. Saya on iron. Saya dah check dah iron tu tak panas sangat. Lepas tu, saya betul-betulkan sikit tudung tu, and amik iron and press down the tudung. Tetiba, iron tu panas sangat and tudung tu koyak. Saya sedih Ma. Tudung tu tudung baru. Saya mintak kawan belikan sewing kit, saya jahit tudung tu nak kasik fit-fit, saya tak pernah pakai lagi.. ingat nak rasmikan esok... tapi, langsung tak boleh pakai. dahlah mahal. Saya sedih mama..."

And so, panjang lebarlah mama bersembang dengan dia. 

...

As I told her, this is your first test, and trust me, they will be 'more tudung that will be burnt in the process of you growing up!'

Vy, it's life!

No point crying over the burnt tudung. 

There will be more to come. 

But, things are not getting better if you don't learn from the lesson you are getting the first time. 

As for now, you know, you did you best, yet, there sure are something missing. 

Istighfar ~ remove the dark spots. 

Perhaps you forgot to recite Bismillah before you start ironing. 

Remember that. Remember Him in everything you do. 

And trust me, things will get smooth if you really ask Him to guide you. 

Vy, we never ask Him to teach us to breathe.. but it is His will that we are breathing without being taught by anybody and even by ourselves. It is His blessings that we are breathing, and another abundance blessings that we get to know Him in this life. 

Just don't leave Him. 

Allahu musta'an. 

Vy, masa awak call mama, cakap ngan mama and you are all teary... out of sudden, ada kakak lalu dekat public phone, and she must have seen you crying that she passed a pack of Corntoz to you ~ Vy, that is the hikmah of you tripping off, limping, iron tudung baru and terkoyak, and you called mama and cried... out of blue, ada kakak of you don't know who pass you some food to console you... did you ask for it? 
No sayang ~ it was Him. Allah taqdirkan kakak tu nampak awak nangis, lembutkan hati dia nak buat baik dengan awak, out of blue, even she can choose to ignore you. 

May Allah reward the kakak. 

Vy, Allah tu baik. 

Takde satu ujian yang Dia hantar kat kita, yang kita tak mampu nak atasi... Semuanya ikut kemampuan kita, Vy. 

And trust me Vy, tak pernah takde hikmah atas segala ujian.. 
Like today ~ awak sedih, tudung terbakar.. dan ada insan buat baik kat awak. 

Vy, nanti, bila awak jadi kakak senior, remember to be nice bila nampak ada adik Form 1 sakan menangis sedih sebab stress tudung dia terbakar sebab dia tak tahu nak iron... 
Smile, teach her and make du'a for her. 
Sebab, you were here tonight. 

Vy, Mama tahu you will pass more 'tests' lepas ni ~ you are all good.. 
All you have to do is to have Him, all the time, 24-7. 
Ingat, inshaallah. 

The strong-headed me

I have always considered myself as 'strong-headed' by default!

Trust me ~ it's a hard process... 

Not being strong-head, but to mellow down, to reflect the softer side of mine, to show wisdom (though I might have none)... just because.

Again and again, every time I wish I could be 'less' strong-head, that would be the most difficult part!

I was wandering - why do I behave such way?

Was I been raised in a 'strong-head's family that it just run in my blood?

Was I being 'tortured' and abused in the past that I just don't know the softer part of the world?

Was it just me, being the eldest, and that was it?

Allahu musta'an...

For whatever reasons, I know I don't need to know just to justify on my actions. 

I know that I have to cool down and mellow down ~ so that I won't annoy people and I won't feel hurt when people are not responsive to me. 

My dear husband was telling me ~ " that was one of the character that make me fell in love with you, and still do "

He said, I would stick to what I say, my aims and goals and I would strive my best to thrive it. 

Wow! Did I? 

I always thought I am all but a thriver! hahaha

But then again ~ I guess, people behave differently, depending on how he or she been treated. We can be the most manje person to our spouse, and yet such a hard-headed among our buddies. We can be the most tolerant employee and yet such a strict mom at home. 

I just wish I wasn't as 'harsher' as I used to be ~ at least I thought I was harsh, and I am currently not to be harsh in times. 

I wanted anything but to hurt people. 

I used to not care about how people feels as I always wanted the world to rotate around me. 

I know, I was wrong. 

I just want how miserable I am now to everyone that I've wronged, for I know I was wronged and I shouldn't. I really hope that Allah SWT put His Mercy and forgive all those that I've wronged before the Day of Judgement. 
I have no other justifications, excuses and reasons of why I did what I did. 

As much as I seek Allah's guide to forgive me, to have mercy on me, and to guide me to be softer than I used to be ~ I will consistently pray that Allah forgives everyone that I have wronged for being strong-headed and made their life difficult because of me. 
If you happen to be one of those, please forgive me. 

Kibr

How can anyone shut someone so dear to you, should it not be due to pure hatred? 
Or was it just because of ego? 

How can someone be deceived with the word 'ego'? Isn't that means arrogance? Isn't only Allah entitled to have the names and attributes of al-kibr? How could anyone forget how arrogant Iblis have been? WHy would anyone want to follow his footsteps? 

To make it worst, the person being arrogance is also the same person making du'a to Allah, asking for His blessing and His mercy. How is that possible? How could one having the character of human's clear enemy and asking for Allah's mercy? Who is the person deceiving? Themselves or the Owner of Mercy? 

Astaghfirullah al-'azeem. 

I still can't compute. 

I tried Ya Allah. 

May I not be one of those who has the character of Iblis. Wa na'udzubillah. 

Some people

Kekadangkan, ada je setubuh manusia yang ntah datang dari mana-mana, hadir dalam hidup kau, dengan cara paling menyakitkan hati.... rasa mcm nak tampar-tampar je muka dia!
...

I really can't empathise on how some people think ~ I used to call these people stupid... then, I upgrade their label to no common sense... now that I've made promised to myself to watch my words, my thinking and my action... I just couldn't find any label to name these type of people.. I would make du'a so that Allah would guide them... 

instead, as today, I realised it is me who need guidance!!!

I have wronged so many people from the past. 

Being an elder and very bold in my thinking and words, my principle would be "tell the truth or you shall forever lie!" 

I am a bad liar, so I won't lie! I can't lie! I just don't lie for I'm sure, sooner or later, the truth will show itself and by then I would be doomed! So, I don't lie ... (hahaha, yaarrr rigghtt... bohong sunat tu sekali sekala ada gak lah terlepas). 

But my point is, I would speak my mind out if I deem it's true. During my younger years, I would accompanied the so-called truth with sacarsm, smirking and twirling my eyeslids. Astaghfirullah.. I hated my past self. I am no saint today, but I was soooo mean previously. If only people knew how I never stop seeking forgiveness for myself and for those who I've wronged.... For any of you who I have wronged... please forgive me! I know, I was mean and I should have not!!!

Well, yesterday - I was tested, not once but twice. I really don't think how some people think. They would asked you genuine questions, show interest on what they think you have knowledge of, asking for your opinions.. but when you blurt all out, being honest in giving your own personal opinion that they asked for, they started responding to you like ~ oooo..no, I'm not taking your option.. I have better option, i wasn't even considering your option at the very beginning...... and so... WHY DID YOU ASK ME AT THE FIRST PLACE???? 

Yup, I know - to test my patience.. Alhamdulillah.. I failed, but not miserably.. It was near missed.. I was about to share in my social media.. but I ended up having a good chat with chatgpt.. hahaha

...

So, did I every fully described Aivey got into MRSM? 

Alhamdulillah.. she completed Ramadan in Pengkalan Hulu... it wasn't easy, but she did it! Unlike all her ex-KMS friends, she didn't opt for MRSM IGCSE... after seeing the struggle Aidan has gone thru and not much benefit gained from it, except that he got a year headstart for his SPM revision... I don't see it is best to enrol Aivey to IGCSE... though she wished she could... I told her, "thank me later. I know I have choose the best for you, Insyaallah.. "

So, she got thru the MRSM Premier... 

Before there were IGCSE, Ulul Albab or whatever, don't people know that there were only Premier MRSM???? So, why is that people sounding like "naa... Premier is not for the scorer!"

I beg to differ.. 

I always believe, the school, though might have its impact on the result of their students, but the major role would still be the students themselve... 

campaklah kat mana pun, kalau menjadi, menjadi gak... 

Ok, now I'm 'cooler'. I guess, I have to stop here, before I spilled out more details on why I was mad at some people... kang satu-satu aib aku list down kang..bukan boleh percaya waswisu fi suduuri an-naas... sedap je kang mengata.. 

Astaghfirullah

Kejadian shaitan

 Macam nak kena share lak - sambil-sambil tadabbur tafsir surah al-kahf. 

...

The miracle; the beauty of Al-Quran, Subhanallah. 

Al-Kahf ayat 50: 

وَإِذۡ قُلۡنَا لِلۡمَلَٰٓئِكَةِ ٱسۡجُدُواْ لِأٓدَمَ فَسَجَدُوٓاْ إِلَّآ إِبۡلِيسَ كَانَ مِنَ ٱلۡجِنِّ فَفَسَقَ عَنۡ أَمۡرِ رَبِّهِۦٓۗ أَفَتَتَّخِذُونَهُۥ وَذُرِّيَّتَهُۥٓ أَوۡلِيَآءَ مِن دُونِي وَهُمۡ لَكُمۡ عَدُوُّۢۚ بِئۡسَ لِلظَّٰلِمِينَ بَدَلٗا

[Malay] Dan (ingatkanlah peristiwa) ketika Kami berfirman kepada malaikat: “Sujudlah kamu kepada Adam”; lalu mereka sujud melainkan iblis; ia adalah berasal dari golongan jin, lalu ia menderhaka terhadap perintah Tuhannya. Oleh itu, patutkah kamu hendak menjadikan iblis dan keturunannya sebagai sahabat-sahabat karib yang menjadi pemimpin selain daripadaku? Sedang mereka itu ialah musuh bagi kamu. Amatlah buruknya bagi orang-orang yang zalim: pengganti yang mereka pilih itu.

[English Sahih] And [mention] when We said to the angels, "Prostrate to Adam," and they prostrated, except for Iblees. He was of the jinn and departed from [i.e., disobeyed] the command of his Lord. Then will you take him and his descendants as allies other than Me while they are enemies to you? Wretched it is for the wrongdoers as an exchange

Panjang gak explanation'brief' Sheikh Assim on this ayat. Tapi, I got 'stucked', interested on the part إِبۡلِيسَ كَانَ مِنَ ٱلۡجِنِّ iblis daripada golongan jin. 

Masa baca surah Al-Baqarah, ada ayat yang bagitau, malaikat dan shaitan.. 

Al-Baqarah 2:34

وَإِذۡ قُلۡنَا لِلۡمَلَٰٓئِكَةِ ٱسۡجُدُواْ لِأٓدَمَ فَسَجَدُوٓاْ إِلَّآ إِبۡلِيسَ أَبَىٰ وَٱسۡتَكۡبَرَ وَكَانَ مِنَ ٱلۡكَٰفِرِينَ

[Malay] Dan (ingatlah) ketika kami berfirman kepada malaikat: “Tunduklah (beri hormat) kepada Nabi Adam”. Lalu mereka sekaliannya tunduk memberi hormat melainkan Iblis; ia enggan dan takbur, dan menjadilah ia dari golongan yang kafir.

[English Sahih] And [mention] when We said to the angels, "Prostrate before Adam"; so they prostrated, except for Iblees. He refused and was arrogant and became of the disbelievers

Kalau kita level baca satu ayat ni, terus cakap "shaitan dulu salah satu dari malaikat".. nampak sangat kita belum khatam berguru lagi... a reminder to myself.. jangan nak memandai je nak kekonon cakap shaitan tu dulu malaikat... tapi berlagak.. 

Ayat dalam surah Al-Kahf tu, clearly stated Iblis tu dari jin, yang mana malaikat daripada cahaya, jin datangnya dari api. 

Al-Dahhak, as stated dalam tafsirIbn Katsir, bagitau, "As for the Jinn, they were created from a blade of fire (mārij min nār), which is the tongue of the flame that is at its edge when it blazes"

Terus stuck dekat phrase tongue of the flame at its edge.. pegghhh... kalau orang sains yang study bab combustion ni mesti boleh faham level panas bila flame at its edge ni.. di mana segala proses pembakaran berlaku hingga menyebabkan flame.. di mana ada semuanya konteks yang nak menyebabkan wujudnya api terbakar ... cukup gas, cukup suhu, cukup pressure.. which bila guna perkataan 'cukup' tu, boleh imagine dah bukan kaleng-kaleng... 

Mashaallah.. Allah yang Maha penuh hikmah dan ilmuNya. Siapa kita??? Siapa kata kalau masih tak nak mengaku kita hambaNya, tak ikut pada perintahNya? Lagi hina, kita ikut apa shaytan dan anak-beranak dia dok dakyah kat kita... kalau kita rasa kejadian shaytan tu dah 'power'... boleh ke kita imagine Pencipta Shaytan yang diderhakinya tu? boleh ke kita imagine powernya azab yang dah standby utk shaitan dan pengikut-pengikut dia??? 

Wa iyya dzubillah... moga Allah jauhkan kita dari pengaruh shaytan dan moga Allah lindungi kita dari azab api neraka... 

...

Ok, done dakwah. 

something to ponder upon

 Something deep

...

'Umar ibn 'Uthman al-Makki said, "Knowledge leads, fear drives and the soul lies between that in a display of stubbornness, defiance, deception and deviousness so be cautious of it and tend to it with the tactics of knowledge and make it fearful. You shall then accomplish what you desire." 

Knowledge is an Imam and good deeds ('amal) are the congregation. It is a leader and deeds are the followers. It is a companion when in estrangement, someone to converse with in seclusion and a friend when lonely. It is the clarifier of doubts, the wealth in which there is no poverty if a person were to triumph with its treasures and it is the shelter which brings no loss for the one who seeks its safety. 

Imam Ahmad (may Allah be pleased with him) said, "People are in more need of knowledge than they are of food and drink because a person requires food and drink only once or twice in the day whilst he is in need of knowledge for as long as he is breathing (i.e. alive)." 

“Bringing an end to anxiety”is to bring an end to the heart’s agitation which results from its attachment to the worldly life, its hopes and fears, its love and hate, and its striving for this life.

Sa’ad ibn Waqas to his son, “if you seek to be enriched, seek it through contentment for it’s a wealth that never runs out. And beware of greed, for it is immediate poverty. And be keen on becoming despaired over the worldly life for you will never despair of something except that Allah makes you no longer need it. 

Sebab sayang

 I, finally, loss it! Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli hal

…

It’s not fair. I just want Ramadan to come back, The month where the devils are all locked up. The month of the gates of heavens are wide open. I want it back. I want it for the rest of my living life.

The least, I found peace in it.

I lost it yesteday, and still not winning at times me writing this post.

I was all teary when Aimar was leading the Maghrib prayer. I broke down. As I tried to stay compose when I be the imam for Aivey during Isya’, I was still crying. And I am still teary as I am typing this post.

This is waaaayyyy toooooo much! C’mon! I have been so peaceful during Ramadan, not missing anybody or anything. I went thru Ramadan in peace. I was committed with the nawafils and other sunnah prayers. I was commited in spreading knowledge, as much as gaining it. I was commited in giving sadaqa & charity. I was commited in not sharing too much in the social

media. I was committed. Alhamdulillah 

Yesterday, on the third raya, I lost it! 

…

My raya greetings wasn’t been replied. She didn’t ask how I was. And there was my mom, telling how much ‘baraka’ her youngest daughter earned from her career, as if implying how useless I was.

I lost it there. I lost it when I ‘implied’ when I shouldn’t have!

…

I wasn’t mad at my mom. 

I wasn’t mad at my sister and the clan. 

I just miss them.

At my best, I have done what I deem is right. 

But I guess, I was nobody significant that they could have care less. 

I just hate the way shaytan put it in my heart.

I lost it.

I cried when Abang asked ‘naper, mje?’

“setan tu jahat kan, bang? i miss them! i miss my childhood”

and that was it. I was crying like a small child, while all three of my children witnessed the fragility in their mama.

I lost it!

Abang was empathetic. So did my children.

Yet, after seven years, I guess they’ve run out of consoling words.

“Mje ingat mje dah okay dah. Mje dah stop nangis. Mje dah stop pikir. Sebulan  puasa kali ni, sikit pun mje

tak doa for things to get back to where it used to be. Things won’t. Mje ingat mje dah redha, dah terima apa yang Allah dah takdirkan.”

Tapi, semalam dan hari ni, I lost it for nothing! 

‘Yup, setan memang setan! Tapi, Mje masih ada Allah. mengadulah dekat Dia, mcm yang Mje biasa buat, istiqomah lepas 7 tahun. Buatlah, walau mungkin mkn belasan atau puluhan tahun.’

…

And here I am. Still crying.

Malam Layl Qadr

 I don’t understand human.

malay muslim human, especially.

hari ni dah 28 Ramadan.

dalam sibuk asyik kebanyakan umat menanti 10 malam terakhir Ramadan, masih ramai yang mahu berteka-teki.

‘Semalam malam layl qadr kan? Boleh rasa bangun pagi aura sejuk‘

‘Dua malam lepas malam layl qadr kan? Hujan levat malam tu!’

‘Hadis cakap malam 27 lah mlm layl qadr!!’

Allahu akbar ~ sahabat nabi SAW bukan sorang dua.  Banyak hadis bagitau mlm 21, mlm 23, mlm 27 dan sebagainya. Yang confirmnya, hadis Nabi SAW datang pada sahabah, dan ada dua orang sedang bertelingkah mempersoalkan bila datangnya malam layl qadr. Lepas tu Rasulullah SAW cakap, ‘aku datang kat korang ni sebab nak bagitau lah bila. cumanya, bila korang dah bertegang urat kejap ni, aku terus dilupakan bila malamnya! at least, ianya di 10 malam terakhir Ramadan!’

puff!! camtu je Allah nak setelkan sifat manusia  yang suka nak percaya apa yang dia teka… last2, semua tak mendapat. Alhamdulillah, ada hikmahnya dari ArRahiim.

Yang confirmnya, Nabi SAW banyak beramal in the last 10 days.

Sayyidatina Ayshah RAh ada menyampaikan, Rasulullah SAW bersungguh-sungguh (dalam beribadah) pada sepuluh yang terakhir (dari bulan Ramadhan) melebihi ibadah Baginda pada (hari-hari) selainnya.”

Tips pun Rasulullah SAW dah kabo ~ all out je lah the last 10 Ramadan tu! Tak rugi mana pun… confirm dalam 10, 1 mengena!!! Yang korang sibuk nak berteka-teki mlm semalam, mlm tadi, mlm lusa dah kenapa????? Korang ingat malam lain, malaikat catit amal tu cuti MC sokmo ke????

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Maaflah.. acik bebel sebab cinta gak ni!

Cinta kat semua dan cinta nak tarbiah semua ~ cuma masih belum berkesempatan sebab tingat Rasulullah SAW pesan, kalau takleh nak cakap bebaik, senyap! 

dush!

Far far away from home

Sometimes, I wonder if the decision to allow Aivey to go to MRSM allllll the way in Pengkalan Hulu is a right decision. 

...

After nearing a month, Aivey came back from the hostel yesterday. 

She has been asking if we are sending her off or will she take the bus back to hostel. 

We have paid the bus, it's more valid, for now. 

But then again, deep down, I knew I wanted to send her off. 

For I know, that is what she wanted. 

...

She is a good daughter. 

Being away from home is one. 

Being away far far away from home, is another. 

Being away in a 'foreign' place and putting so much effort to adapt is another thing on top of everything. 

Things aren't easy. 

I knew it. 

I was there. 

I was away from home at the age of 16 ~ all the way in Perlis. 

Somehow, I took up the challenge. 

I was informed that was among the best school at that time. 

I was told I could excel if I were to go there. 

I was inspired to be what my dear abah & mama wanted me to be, a doctor or an engineer or a lawyer, and so I have to go there! It was supposed to be a stepping stone for me to excel. 

Indeed, I went away from home. 

And I went further after that. 

At the age of 18, less that I knew, I was million miles away from home. 

From Perlis to Wales. 

Loooongggg way to go. 

...

So, I have some reservation for Aivey being away from home. 

She's only 13.

and I still pray that she got the nearby SBPs. 

who knows, I would keep on asking Allah for I believe in Him. 

When He says kun, fayakun!

...

I'll talk about the homesickness in my next post, Inshaallah

Recap sebulan lebih...

yada yada

life goes on

...

it has been busy, it has been ups and downs. 

Aivey went to MRSM ~ tak dapat SBP first intake, and Mama is still hopeful, ameen. 

will talk about it nanti, Inshaallah. 

...

Aimar is in panic mode ~ SPM tak sampai baper bulan je lagi. 

Still catching up with his not so strong subjects ~ bio, sejarah, bm and PAI. 

PAI???????

seriously???? 

Alhamdulillah ~ he shared the list of top students in Kemaman. 

He was the 30th. Alhamdulillah. 

Tapi, sebab ada kawan dia jauh tinggal dia, Mama doa jadi motivation dia nak kejar kekawan dia tu. 

Mana tau, ada rezeki, dpt student ulul albab IKEM, ameen. 

...

Aidan is busy with visa application. 

Mashaallah... dah nak ready gi France dah dia, ameen. 

Mama lak in panic mode. 

Tahun depan, takde rezeki Aidan nak bukak posa sama kat Mesia ni, inshaallah. 

...

Subhanallah

Alhamdulillah

Allahuakbar

Banyaknya rezeki baik-baik Allah bagi kat kami semua. 

Hinanya mama kalau masih lupa nak bersujud lama, bersyukur atas cinta yang Allah dah bagi kat kita anak-beranak. 

Semoga bermanfaat adanya. 

Cinta berpada-pada

Terasa nak sambung baca buku Destination Jannah. compilation of talks from The Straight Path Convention series 1. 

Terbaca satu hadis..

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Love whom you love mildly, perhaps he will become hateful to you someday. Hate whom you hate mildly, perhaps he will become your beloved someday.”

Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 1997

...

Menarik ~ kalau untuk orang Melayu, kita dah biasa dengan pepatah, 'nak bercinta, berpada-pada; membenci, jangan sekali'

Kalau masa 'jahil' dulu, bercakap tengan cinta ni, mesti relate cinta lelaki-perempuan, pakwe-makwe... memang takdelah terfikir cinta 'halal' suami-isteri, atau cinta pada sesama bangsa, kaum dan jantina, cinta pada negara, cinta pada segalanya. 

So, kita fokus pasal cinta pada manusia dalam konteks posting ni ~ to be specific, pasal cinta pakwe-makwe. 

...

Mama tak suka cerita benda yang tak patut dikenang dan diceritakan. But I guess, at some point, it would be of good use to share with others what I've experience so that you would take admonition and benefit the lesson learned from it. 

I was once young, and soaked in what I thought ' true love'. Not once, not twice..yup, thrice. To some extent, I got overboard. I would say I was then fool ~ but as I reflected back, I am taking my blame for not sticking to my five days prayers obediently. And, I got drowned away with lust!

The people around me encouraged me in some ways. Not blaming them, neither. Yet, it would help if I would have sticked to the right circle. 

Allah knows. 

Of course, if I could turned back time, I would want to erase that 'evil' part of me. But I guess, that's how I grew up, and grew out of it ~ understand myself better, and appreciate the love I have today, Alhamdulillah, Definitely the mercy of Allah, Alhamdulillah. 

So, kids, I'm not stoping you for being in love. Love is always beautiful, especially when it is for the sake of Allah. Just do remember, we are human, and we keep 'forgetting' to remind ourselves, for the sake of Allah. In returns, we got steered away. 

If I would want to share my fair share, I would have not say, bercintalah berpada... I would tell you to learn to love Allah and do everything for the sake of Allah. He will guide you. Should you still struggle with getting closer to Allah, hold it first.. hold the love that your heart rush in to! It's ok, it shall wait.. love (for the creation) waits! Put you priority... Yourself!

Cinta diri

Lepas satu-satu ni'mat Allah bagi.. 
Subhanallah... rasa bercamput-baur... Patutlah hadis Rasulullah SAW ajar, kalau Allah bagi nikmat, alhamdulillah.. kalau dapat musibah pun, Alhamdulillah. 

Tadi, jumpa Rozi, dia share UNAK cakap... bersyukur.. we can only be patience when we are thankful & grateful. 

...

Melimpah-limpah ni'mat Allah bagi kat kami.. especially minggu akhir January baru ni.. 

Dengan Aivey dapat masuk MRSM.. and trying her best to prove to Mama and Aboh yang dia memang dah ready nak masuk asram .. semangat pakai her savings to buy a rug and an alarm clock from Kaison. I am definitely proud of her, Alhamdulillah. 

Lepas tu, 25hb baru ni, Aimar lak share video dia khatam 30 juz... Alhamdulillah... Mama rebah, sujud syukur terus bila dapat perkhabaran. Allahu Akbar.. 

Baiknya Allah.

Lepas tu, Aidan pulak, dalam Mama risau French DELF dia tak lepas ~ Alhamdulillah, he scored 93% and I am impressed. Alhamdulillah... 

Yup, banyak mama nak sembang, berpesan-pesan kat anak-anak untuk jangan berhenti dalam bersyukur... tapi, nak tulis sekarang ni ~ mcm tak logik.. banyak pending belajar KIU dengan Steps To Jannah punya module.. banyak ketinggalan.. kena fokus tu dulu. 

Cumanya, masa Mama bukak blog post ni, jiwa tengah serabut.. tengah 'marah' sebab orang dok blame orang lain for one's lacking... anak tak perform, salahkan sekolah... result tak cemerlang, salahkan kawan... 

Fact is, semua ada hikmah. Kalau sungguh kena cari salah, faham konsep cari salah tu ~ dalam Quran, bila Allah tuju label 'orang-orang yang zalim'.. jangan sedap nak pinpoint kat orang lain... banyak label orang yang zalim tu untuk kita sendiri ~ kita yang zalim pada diri sendiri... kita tahu benda tak betul, kita biarkan sebab nak jaga hati.. kita tahu benda salah, kita buat-buat senyap sebab takde kait-mengait ngan kita... kita tahu benda maksiat, kita masih teruskan bermaksiat sebab 'tugas dan tanggungjawab'.. tugas apa? tanggungjawab pada sapa????? 

Lesson learned is not finding other's fault. An effective lesson learned is to recognize our own fault, be mindful not to repeat it again. Stop blaming others for our own lackings.